broken relationships

I realized today that I have a lot of broken relationships in my life. From childhood friends whom I've pushed away to cousins I never got to know, my life is just filled with them. A lot of the time I could have done more to care, but sometimes I made the move again and again and I got pushed away. Or maybe I'm just too easily discouraged.

I just can't read certain people. I don't know what they think about me, about our relationship. I don't understand those people who talk with me online but don't even look at me when we meet in person. I don't know if I still like my childhood friends. Usually people in church. I grew up with them, essentially, but we've nothing much in common now. Why is it so much harder to belong in church than at college? Shouldn't our common background and belief give us something to talk about and ground our relationship?

So many questions...no answers.

tying up loose ends

I just submitted my last assignment of the semester w00t! Which means I'm pretty much done done done with school for this year! I'm still hanging around because Zann has two more finals. And I'm working for 4 hours tomorrow and meeting with Dr. Horn so it's not like I'm totally free. But at least I don't have to study for stinkin' finals or write papers anymore.

I'll probably spend the days cleaning my room and packing and moving furniture. Maybe I should go downtown to shop on Thursday...hmm...

I went to care group for the first time in a while tonight. I always find it a very interesting mix of people...a bunch of underclass girls, working guys and a young married couple. We mix so nicely though that no one notices. I feel so comfortable with them already even though I've really only been there three times. It's probably the extreme intentionality with which we fellowship. Except it's not in-your-face intentionality but a very subtle type. We just talk and share and pray for each other. Sometimes we have a lot of fun too. Like today there were lots of goodies because it's Christmas, and we played Favorites for a good hour. And pretty much the best part of the evening- getting to hold the C's little baby, Judah. So precious! I love the smell of clean baby. He fell asleep in my arms and stayed that way for a good half hour. Ahhh I love babies. And I love care group. And I also love sleep so I shall go do that now...

my soul finds rest in God

We had a mini-review of the semester during family time. (Family time is when the whole floor, or whoever decides to show up, gets together and just chills and talks.) At the beginning of the sem, SD had us write letters to future selves to be read at the end of the sem. So we shared a bit about what we had learned, how we had grown.

I realized I'm a very goal-oriented person. Well, I didn't really realize that because I already knew that. But essentially my whole letter was a list of things I hoped to achieve. Actually, it was really discouraging to read the letter at first because I've failed in all but two or three of my goals. I mean, I guess I didn't fail fail, but I'm definitely not the person I want to be.

But then HS shared about how we never will be the person we want to be, but how we shouldn't be satisfied with where we are, but always strive for better. And that's so true. And also something I knew already. But it never helps to be reminded of these things.

But that's the way with so many things. I know them already. Like in piano. I know I should crescendo here, I know sforzandi are interpreted this way in Beethoven vs. Schumann, I know how I should practice productively. But instead of remembering and applying, I practice mindlessly and waste time and energy. And then Dr. Horn has to go over stuff that I already knew because I can't show that I already know them.

Applying what I absorb is so difficult.

Finals week is right around the corner yo. Fortunately I only have one test, but I have two papers and four juries to play for tomorrow. So it's not a walk in the park. And I signed up to work four hours on Wednesday yay.

Juries sucked on Saturday. Well not totally, but they were not enjoyable. I was definitely not in game mode, so my focus was off and I could have played so much better. I'm not so much worried about my grade as about disappointing Dr. Horn. I know I know, it's not about that either but I can't help but feel bad about it.

After that though I decided to go ice skating with my floor and our brother floor. I wasn't going to because it cost money and because I felt like I should work, but after flipflopping ten million times I decided to. Was it worth my time? Not entirely. I had fun, I mean, but I could have had just as much fun staying back and going up to T7. Ah, the choices I make.

Today Zann and I ended up not going to church because it was snowing pretty hard in the morning. Because our church is 40 minutes away we felt like it was a little bit more risky. So we did church in our room instead. Listened to Pastor Tim's sermon from last week (super-win!), sang a hymn, took an offering. Good stuff.

Last night I got an urge to decorate for Christmas, so I finally did. Put up some garlands and bells around the door frame. Today after "church" we made some snowflakes too, which was really fun.

Ugh this whole first sergeant and command chief business is frustrating me to no end. I feel like I'm in the middle being bounced around. I need to have a real opinion on this!

failure

gah has it really been nearly a week since I last posted? -_- Goes to show you how busy I've been. Haven't had time to do anything. nuffin I tell you, nuffin.

Combination of college + cadet commander duties = no time for fun.

Sigh. I'm not complaining, I guess. There just isn't enough time to do everything. First goes socialization, then, let's see, exercise, then sleep, then studying.

I don't even have time to stop and think about all the interesting thoughts I have during the day, much less write them down.

oh hey, I skipped a day...

Because Fridays are usually busy, and yesterday was unusually crammed! First of all I covered another girl's shift at CPO, which does mean more moolah though. So I went straight from BITH to theory (except in between I hightailed it back to Smith because I left my music in my room!), to chapel, where we sang Greening Branch, to work, to Writing class, to studio class, where I played Beethoven, and finally a break. I checked out the Christmas fair in lower beamer, where I got mommy and Stephen presents! Then a quick dinner, back to the dorm to change, and Christmas Fest #1!

Christmas has officially started! Yes yes yes, the campus is all decorated with wreaths and garlands and bows and now SNOW! You bet, it's snowed all day today, there's about 5 inches on the ground. Not too bad. And...it won't go away till April. yay. lol

Today was a chill day...ran and exercised in the morning, yummy brunch with the chai tea Stephen gave me, and a waffle. Did some encampment work, took a nap, did some homework, practiced 2.5 hours. Then I had to call Lt. Kleiman, whom I have sadly neglected. LOL Capt. Maver was like, have you talked to lt. Kleiman? And I had to say, not since review boards...but I'll call him today! So yeah, I realized I pretty much only talk to guys now on the phone, besides mommy.

One of the weirdest things I've experienced since coming to college is the unexpected freedom. Obviously I can't and don't want to go hogwild now that I'm not under my parents' direct influence, but in some ways it's very different from any situation I've ever lived in. The whole "I'll give you a ride to ____" thing is weird, for one. I'm sitting in the car of some random dude (well, he's on my bro floor) who's the same age as me and could be a terrible driver for all I know. Back home I would have never done that. I realized that recently and talked to M and D about it and I've decided to be a little more discerning for things like that. Like today someone mentioned going to Target and I sorta wanted to get some stuff, but it's been snowing so it's probably not the best idea.

But the weirdest thing, for me, especially coming essentially right out of encampment, is guy-girl stuff. It's so strange not to have a rule against a guy and a girl being in the same room alone.

oops, dinnertime! then Christmasfest #2!

it's times like these...

...when I feel disconnected from everyone. I pass by friends on campus and smile and wave. I'm not really happy to see them. I just paste on a grin because I don't want other people to think I'm a jerk. I say hi to the girls on 1S because if I didn't they'd think there was something wrong with me.

I put up a wall so people can't get close. I'm afraid of interference. I don't want their concern. Their meaningless words of fake comfort. "You'll be fine."

Yeah, right. If you took the time to understand my problems you'd see it's not that easy. It's much more complicated than you think.

I know I'm contradicting myself and I know I'm being a hypocrite. But this is why I have this blog. So I write down my frustrations here instead of loading them onto other people.

I realized partly why I'm feeling so weird though. It's that time of month, and I still haven't figured out how to balance being CC and being a college student. Along with all the other hats I wear.

balance. that's a whole 'nother thing. Balance schoolwork and encampment work. Balance exercise and practicing. Balance food intake and expenditure. Balance sleep and socializing.

I took a half hour nap today and it felt good. But now I'm being a bum because I'm still sleepy.

I hate how people just come into the room. No, let me amend that. I hate it when it's inconvenient to me. Yesterday I was writing an email to the C4 and people were chilling in my room talking and I just couldn't concentrate. So I asked them to leave. I felt like a total jerk. I am so not a people person. Whenever I'm just sitting hanging out, my brain is far away thinking about all the work that I should be doing that I'm not.

ennui

What a captivating word. I used to think it was pronounced "ehn-noo-ee". One of those awesome French words that got transferred to the English language. It rather describes how I'm feeling right now. A bit. Perhaps a better way to say it would be divided. I just feel like I'm split up. I don't know if I belong here or back home. I think it's being CC that intensified this feeling. I have so much more keeping me home now that I feel so un-whole when I'm on campus now. I hate this feeling, hate it hate it hate it.

I need to be whole and well. It's like that line Frodo says to Sam at the end of LOTR, something about being whole and well for his family. I wonder if he did return to "whole-ness."

I had a talk about this with JA today and our conclusion is that I need more sleep. :)

green tea makes my life better

Sitting here sipping mah tea makes me feel warm and fuzzy and happier than ever. yes, tea makes me so happy.

Tea also makes me forget all the work I have to do and should be doing...like theory homework and studying for my BITH test and revising my papers...I promise after I write this I'll go do it. In the lounge, without my laptop. :D

Encampment work is manageable so far. Thank goodness. Except Maver called me while I was practicing yesterday. I have a feeling I'll be talking to Maver more than I talk to my parents for the next couple months. hehe.

ugh. I hate this phenomenon of forgetting what I was going to write about when I actually get around to blogging. I need to keep my "things to blog about" notebook going.

I have so many notebooks for various things floating around now that I can't keep track of them all.

I realized I forgot to figure in the costs of getting to the airport in thinking about flying back every month...maybe I should ask around if some kind soul will drive me once or twice to save 50$...

freshmen presentations, pt. 3

C- Hymnology

Good reminders. If we have different genres in classical music and we perform each piece according to its historical background, why don't we do the same for hymns?

K- Stage Fright

Very interesting. Writing out my fears is definitely something I want to apply to my encampment worries.

J- Glee

ummmkay. I think the show is plain inappropriate, especially this season.

S- Rock & Rol

Cool stuff, I didn't know that.

c-c-c-c-craaazaayyy

I know I've been awfully quiet, terribly so. But over Thanksgiving break I saw all the people who read my blog so I didn't feel the need to vent here as much. I will record what happened though, perhaps briefly, since I intend this to be a record of what occurred in my first year here.

Zanna and I flew back on Tuesday evening, flight was uneventful. Everyone came to pick me up and I'm sure I was super chattery on the way home. The next day I woke up around 9:30 (ah, bliss!) and ate bao for breakfast. Plus good lai cha with green tea tapioca, and real eggs with ketchup. Ah, food. After lunch of mein I drove Stevie, with mom, to piano. Gave Dr. Lin the CD Dr. Horn had passed on to me. Then to Mrs. Shippey's for voice. Got stuck in some horrible Thanksgiving traffic so only got half the lesson time. But I read some stuff with Stephen so that was good. Came home and made double chocolate oatmeal cookies yummm.

Thursday I made the pumpkin cheesecake I've been longing for! Real pumpkin yo. We were going to go have Vietnamese for lunch, but Pho Anh Dao was closed so we ended up going to dimsum. Which was a disappointment because we had to share a table and the food sorta sucked. But for Thanksgiving dinner we had hotpot, which was ah-may-zing. Ah tofu. Mommy's sending me some paper packaged tofu so I can eat here. MahMah and Julia yee-yee came over, of course. So good to see them! After dinner we started talking about N. and S. Korea and nuclear warfare. A lovely topic, indeed. And then we watched Ip Man, which was EPIC. It's a kung fu movie, sure, but it had really good acting and an actual plot. And it's in the context of a world event, which makes it all the more moving.

We didn't have much planned for Friday except dinner with Eric and MahMah and JYY. I don't even remember what I did anymore...some packing, some piano? hehe. Then afternoon we did a bit of shopping, got some running shoes and boots with good traction. Dinner was at a new Korean BBQ buffet place with the above mentioned people. Gotta love beef bulgogi. No dessert though, except for oranges, which upset Mommy. haha. Then best part of the day, went to pick CYu up for a chat. It was so good just to talk and talk.

Saturday was an early-ish wake up because of review boards for BE2011 C4. Mommy drove me and Park and Zeke, so I got to talk to them a bit about things at Jimmy Stewart and life in general. We got there on time, waited around for one cadet from NY. Then everyone had to take the Myers-Briggs test. I was a little cocky and thinking I knew that I was an ISTJ already. Then the review boards started, around 20 minutes for each person. Meanwhile Maver stayed outside with the rest of us and talked about encampment stuff. Improvements and all that. Pizza for lunch. Somehow or other I ended up being the last one to go. According to the people outside I was in there for the longest, 25 minutes. I think it was cuz they were grilling me about being in Illinois. It definitely didn't seem that long to me. and I think I'll have to write the details of the board in my personal journal as I wouldn't want this going public. Anyway, so I finished and came out and chatted with everyone. By this time we were all sort of restless and just talking about random things. The exec staff and Sav were conferencing in the office. Then I got summoned into the room. I thought they were going to do some private dismissal thing to tell me I hadn't made it. Instead Maver informed me they had chosen me as cadet commander, and asked me if I would accept the position. I was floored, absolutely shocked. I think I just sat there for a couple seconds with a half smile. They were open to me declining and asked me if I had any concerns about accepting. I mentioned my geographical location and not being in CAP that long and stuff but in the end I was convinced. I was still a bit hesitant, so Maver was like, "just say yes". When I said yes I thought about the weirdness of saying yes to a room of men and some vague thought of marriage. LOL. My brain was functioning funny, ok? They immediately had me choose my staff. Decisions decisions, oh my. It was plain crazy.

But, man, I'm cadet commander of BE2011! It's just crazy to think about it. That's the biggest thing that happened over break, for sure. That evening Stephen and I went to the Aus to hang out, which was wonderful, as always. It was so relaxing and beautiful to talk face to face with dear friends I haven't seen in too long. I really hope I'll have more time to hang out with them over Christmas.

So encampment has sort of taken over my life, and will for the next 8 months. Of course, as mom and dad keep reminding me, my studies come first, but I'm pretty much splitting even between school and CAP. I've renounced movies and most social activities in order to make sure I have enough time and sleep. I'm also starting a running program so I'll be good shape, better shape than I've ever been, by the time Encampment rolls around. Can't have me lagging behind my staff now, can I.

I still can't quite believe I'll be running the whole show. To think just a little more than two years ago I had just joined CAP. wowza. It really is crazy. I don't know if I can handle it! ahhhh. Can't let the stress get to me. Time to really rely on God. I'm wondering if this is the ministry opportunity God is giving me. I have a very powerful platform here and if I use it skillfully I can influence plenty of people.

I feel so out of my element sometimes though. I know zilch about the military, which I said as much in my board. I've ruled out being in the military myself. How am I going to interact with all those military personnel? boy oh boy. Already I've got a dozen encampment emails flooding my inbox in just two days. Am I in over my head?

Time to sleeeeep so I can get up to run tomorrow. More concerns to come...

Hi. It's me again.

Good thing I have more time to work with this paper. As usual, I feel like I'm just starting to get into the meat of the writing process, and of course it's the day before. I really need to develop better writing timeline processes. I guess I'll just stay up to work on this. And maybe bring it home for Thanksgiving to work on it.

New word of the day: belletristic. What a beautiful word to describe elegant writing!

I can keep silent no longer. But silence is still needed. I shall bide my time.

I don't think all typing is good for my wrists. But what can I do?

Am I deluding myself by saying that I can only focus on writing at night, or when I have a deadline to meet? Would I really produce better work if I wrote more organizedly, with more time?

Focus, girl, focus.

My mind be all over the place.

I will not.

Once again, I am stuck on a paper. T_T Why always am I stuck?

Facebook needs to fall in a pit and die.

I can't believe I ate ice cream on top of four cookies today. This is why I have gained weight. And I told myself I wouldn't eat sweets until I went home for Thanksgiving too. I have failed. I will really not eat sweets for the next three days.

Brahms was one sweet concert. M. Nelson signed my score but I didn't get a picture with him.

My brain is oozing out it's intelligence. I'm barely coherent. I think I will be better served going to bed.

Chopin is like a piece of dark chocolate

Chopin shall always forever be my favorite composer. Passion and virtuosity, depth, brilliance. Too bad he's such a pianistic composer...so other musicians don't appreciate him as much. I thought of my title randomly while practicing yesterday. And put it down in my little notebook so I don't forget it like I do half of my other blog post ideas. But yes, Chopin is like a piece of dark chocolate - always satisfying, hits the spot, good for you, scrumptious, and if you get 70% or more, full of flavorful depth. ;) I should rename my old blog "Chocolate and Chopin" instead of "coffee and clementines."

Why is there always so much guy-girl drama? Well the obvious answer is that God created men and women to be attracted to each other and so whenever the two are in proximity to each other, stuff happens. Sometimes...I almost wish I wasn't attracted to guys. They're so distracting sometimes. Like one little comment from a guy or something he does can throw my mood off for the rest of my day. Okay, that makes it sound extreme. It's not like my mood totally depends on guys, but I am affected by them. I hate it though. I wish I didn't care. Does this mean I'm insecure? That I'm not totally assured of my worth and identity in Christ? I always thought I was a pretty well-grounded person...

Yesterday and today I was feeling sorta weird. In a funky mood. hence the cryptic pointless post last night. I didn't feel like being sociable. In fact I felt like tearing someone to pieces. verbally, that is. It was terrible. Maybe I'm feeling the strain of always being polite and friendly here. I mean, the only person I can be remotely free with is Zanna. And even then, I can't lash out like I do to my family. Not like I should even do that. Are my actions a fake then? Do I not really act as I feel? But I shouldn't give into every impulse like that.

ah. I need time to stop and think. I'm always going going going.

mood swings [late night edition]

inhospitable

disengaged

unfriendly

unsociable

apathetic

removed

crabby

selfish

tired

Nelson fever

LOL I just got a missed call from some random number, so I called back and this lady picks up the phone and denies that she called me..."No, I didn't call you, my phone must've called you." okay lady...

So I've been really really super quiet on this blog lately...for the past...4, 5 days? The reason is, of course, that I've been super busy. Like, ridiculously. Last week most evenings 6-11 were taken up by Jukebox rehearsals and performances. This week is Brahms/John Nelson week, so 2 or 3 hour rehearsals everyday. Not nearly as long as Jukebox, so I still have time to practice, but it's extremely taxing on my voice. I can't imagine how all the voice majors do it...practicing voice on top of 3 hr choir rehearsals.

But we're singing with the Orchestra for the Brahms and the Band for the new commissioned work so I guess it's worth it. No, it definitely is worth it. I get goose bumps every time we sing the "Denn allles Fleisch..." part (All flesh is as the grass, etc.). And I've never sung with a band so that's new and exciting. A lot of people seem to not like the Kellogg piece, but I actually really enjoy it. It's a very unique text and there are some almost ethereal parts, despite the big band. I won't say much more than that since Saturday will after all be the world premiere. ;)

And whew, having Maestro Nelson conduct us is an experience in itself. He's simply amazing. One of my friends remarked that he didn't know M. Nelson was such a big deal. This was after the Q&A session we had with him for Wednesdays at 3:15. He has such a beautiful conducting style - precise yet passionate. I think he's going to be my conducting hero. I so so so enjoy it. And to know your conductor is a Christian who believes the text, yet immensely successful in the world. Wow. I'm in awe.

Back to the Q&A session - not only is he a phenomenal conductor & musician, he's also very personable. He answered questions about integrating his faith with his work, how he met his wife, how his time at Wheaton affected him. Then someone asked him to tell us about the pranks he pulled with Dr. Whitaker when they were students here. So he told us some really funny stories. His story about his wife was great too. I asked him if he could tell us about a piece of music that was especially meaningful to him. At first he went off on a tangent about how people in interviews always asked him about his favorite composer or favorite music and how he never could answer those questions because everything is so different and they bring unique aspects to music as a whole. I was afraid he was saying my question was silly and regular. But then he said, "But you're asking me about a piece of music that has special meaning. Well, if I could only conduct one more piece, my last work, it would have to be the St. Matthew Passion." Wowza. To think he would choose that just blows my min. In a good way.

After rehearsal yesterday, Zanna suggested we go up and thank him for the rehearsal. At first I was hesitant because he was busy and I was like...two measly freshmen going to say "hi"? But Zanna convinced me, so we went up and introduced ourselves. Boy, am I glad we did. He asked Suzanna about her heritage and talked about India. He tried out his Chinese on me, ni hao and xie xie. :D It was great. boy oh boy. I am so excited for Saturday right now.

Except have to start working on my paper. Well, Schumann, good friend of Brahms, you shall soon be my good friend as well. Nuthin' can put me down!

I went to the Career Services office today to talk to the Study Abroad lady. Looks like my best bet right now would be to wait until Spring of Junior year, so all my required music theory classes are done with. That way I could even focus on English that sem, taking private lessons on the side, which would give me options. I think I'm looking at the UK (England, Scotland, OR Ireland. Or maybe even Wales...after all I've never been there. Well I've never been to England either.), Italy, or China. We shall see and we shall see.

LESS THAN A WEEK TILL THANKSGIVING WOOT WOOT

ladeeda

Maestro Nelson is awesome! I'm so excited to work with him. His personality is really different from Doc's. Though he does look quite a bit like Doc, which is slightly weird. He makes you want to do well to please him and to better your singing, without being condescending or overly strict. We have another rehearsal with him tomorrow.

Second night of Jukebox today~ went more smoothly, though we did spill some liquid onstage. But a lot bigger audience and lots of reaction. Quite fun really.

Registered for spring classes today. Taking a full 18 credits -_- Hope I can handle it.

Have to get up early tomorrow for a work day so toodles!

Wow, I didn't know the Conserv was so busy at 2300. I mean, I know people do practice that late, but not so many. All the piano practice rooms were filled. And why was I there so late myself, you ask? [or not] Well, Wednesdays are always packed for me, regularly. Add a Jukebox dress rehearsal and you've got a piano performance major who hasn't touched a piano all day. >.< I ended up just leaving because I didn't want to wait around for a piano and only get in 45 minutes of practicing (before they close the building, you know.) Which is why I should go to sleep early, as in now, so I can practice tomorrow morning.

Anyway, the Jukebox play is getting quite enjoyable. They're bringing out the humor much better, lines are smoother, and we've almost worked in transitions. I'll be doing lights and the curtain for the performances. And keeping props in check. And making "wine." :D I feel okay endorsing it and recommending it to people now. I guess I shouldn't have been so hasty in condemning it to failure. There's still a lot to improve on, and like I told Zann, if they had another two weeks to perfect it, it would be a splendid production. As it is now, it's quite passable, especially for an entirely student-run production.

There are some interesting characters in Jukebox. I actually joined Jukebox partly because I wanted to get to know some people outside those I normally interact with. At first I thought it wasn't going to be that way and things were awkward and I was regretting it, but now it's much better. I mean, we're not going to be super good friends or anything, but they're chill people and I have more people to say hi to. heh. Well not just hi. Anyway. I'm rambling again.

This is why my essays are never as good and to-the-point as they can be. One, I have such a hard time developing a good thesis that can support my paper, and two, my flow is terrible.

I'm writing my research paper on Schumann...won't Dr. Horn be happy. :D I just found it fascinating how he combined his musical interests with his literary talent. I'd like to know if he truly enjoyed being a music critic, or if he did it at least partly out of necessity after his hand injury.

At least the draft is due on the 22nd. This week and next are crazy. Starting tomorrow, I have Jukebox performances to run, plus extra choir rehearsals. because MAESTRO NELSON IS HERE....DUN DUN DUN. hehe. Next week is the epic event, so we have three hour rehearsals on three week days. >.< I have to miss the cast party for a rehearsal. mannn... And of course there's all the regular school stuff and work. Not to mention practicing.

But I picked a concerto for next year, which is exciting! Mozart K. 595, one of his most lyrical. Dunno if I have a real chance, esp. against superhuman pianists like RM, but hey, it's gonna be a great experience. Dr. Horn wants me to learn the whole concerto yay!

decomposing

I mean, of course debriefing. But decomposing was the first word that popped into my head. so yeah.

Another busy weekend. A little crazy. And I wonder why I haven't gone out to Chicago more...I guess there's just too much to do on campus already.

Went to the talent show on Friday evening, the famed Parents' Weekend Wheaton Talent Show. Upperclassmen had told us that it was in such high demand that we had to buy our tickets the minute they came out, and we had to get in line early to get in, etc etc. So I ended up waiting outside in 30-degree weather for 1.5 hours with J and J. And our seats still weren't super duper, which was partly our own fault. But the talent show itself was worth it, I suppose. Lots of variety, and the emcees did quite an impressive job with the inter-act content.

Saturday was a Jukebox rehearsal marathon. 0900-1230, Acts I and II. Then I had to rush to the football field because Women's Chorale was singing the National Anthem at the football game. Dr. H asked me to give the pitch and I was like....uhm...oh hey, I have a mini-piano on my iTouch! She thought I had perfect pitch a couple weeks ago. xP I wonder why... After that I had to rush back to Jukebox rehearsal. Marathon day. Barely had time for lunch.

Then in the evening I had so many choices of what to do. I haven't been managing my time super-well lately. I ended up going to the soccer games for a total of an hour, in between which I managed to get in almost 2 hours of piano. Missed the band and choir concert though.

I got a text around 2130 from an unknown number asking whether I wanted to go to the Hamelin concert the next day. It turned out to be D. So I decided, quite last-minutely, to go out to Chicago on Sunday and see Hamelin in concert. Boy, was I glad I went. He's one of the best pianists in the world. More old-school, as in not performance-oriented. Such beautiful tone and control. I'm putting the Faure Nocturne on my wishlist. And of course getting to hear the Alkan performed live was a treat.

So since I was going to be in Chicago, I decided to text A and see if he wanted to get dinner. We ended up eating dinner and hanging around for two hours. He wanted to show me the fountain, but it was sadly closed and drained for the winter. We walked all the way to the Navy Pier and were silly and happy. Rode the train back by myself, gasp. I actually saw a bunch of Wheaties on the train though.

I should really go to sleep. Stayed up till 0300 yesterday to finish a BITH paper I had forgotten about. Had a marathon 5 hour Jukebox rehearsal today.

Oh, listening to Sons of Korah right now. They did chapel a couple days ago, it was amazing. Check them out! A band that specializes in the Psalms.

late night essay writing

So unfocused. My brain's all over the place. Thinking about how I didn't get to practice today because my stupid wrists started hurting. How I wasted the afternoon and am therefore trying to finish an essay due in 12 hours. The event Chorale sang at tonight. The yummy desserts. How I played "dinner music" after not having practiced. How I'll fit in practice time tomorrow. Whether I'll go to breakfast. If the talent show is really worth it...I mean, waiting in line for two hours? Of course I already bought my ticket.

Then people issues. Of course. Always. How I've been so awful in keeping up with my friends back home. I don't know what's going on in their lives. Wanting to stay in touch but not having the time to do it. Then all my friends here...living with people can get on my nerves. Some little habits, ways of viewing things. man. Sometimes they just irritate me. Maybe especially now because my hormones are out of whack. whatever.

Which reminds me of chapel this morning. I don't want to be a whatever person. I care. I really do. It's just so hard when I let school get in the way. And school wouldn't be in the way if facebook wasn't in the way.

Must. Focus. On. Task. and go to sleep. -_-

more exploring of cultural differences

Today was a rather chill Wednesday. Surprisingly I didn't feel stressed or overwhelmed. The only weird part was theory this morning. Our class is prone to go off on tangents, especially if K or P ask a random question. And we really were awful in terms of paying attention this morning. What followed hopefully shook some people up. But perhaps not...as I will show later.

So while trying to answer a really easy question, someone mentioned that K wasn't there and wasn't asking questions. So Prof G. mentions offhandedly that he wouldn't be with us any longer and that he had dropped out of the conserv. Which immediately caused a ruckus, everyone was like, "wait what, we thought he loved theory!" Prof G. tries to quiet us down and return to the question. Meanwhile some members of the class are still exclaiming over K, so it's definitely sort of chaotic still. Finally Prof G. loses it and leaves the room. Comes back and starts over. Asks some guy the same question. Guy hasn't been paying attention and so fails to answer the question. Prof G. gets really quietly angry and stops teaching. He puts up a class exercise and tells us we have the last 15 minutes of class to do it. By this time the tension is so thick you could feel it smothering everyone. so. awkward. Everyone is absolutely silent. He leaves the room as we start and comes back and just sits there. I felt soooo bad. Honestly, even though I hadn't done anything personally. After we finish he gives us a talking to. I agreed with most of what he said. Basically we had taken the joking too far, we were disrespectful by falling asleep and stuff.

But. apparently some people didn't quite agree as much as I did. I talked with one kid later about it and he didn't feel bad at all. He thought it was Prof G.'s fault that the class always went off on tangents because Prof G. himself always makes funny/sarcastic comments. I was so surprised when he said that. I had never even considered the idea that it was the professor's fault. I think I'm so deeply imbedded with the idea of respect for authority/teachers that Chinese culture dictates that I've never considered that possibility. I just assume that they're right, that they're smarter than me. Well, no. Not always. I think I always respect them no matter whether they know a lot or not. Yeah. Even if I disagree with them, I still respect them. Americans can be so disrespectful. American teenagers especially. Texting during class, during chapel, falling asleep all over the place, cutting classes indiscriminately. And they wouldn't agree that they were being disrespectful. They have no concept of that.

Sigh.

oh, finally met one of the ROTC guys. Through church. engage guy radar, mmhmm. LOL did I just say that out loud? yep. It's true though. And he's a really sweet guy. Just keepin' my eye out for potentials. I promise I won't be silly about guys until forever.

creative title coming up juices have disappeared

yep. they're all "my weird day", and "what a crazy day." Can't seem to find any creativity nowadays. So...here's how my day went down yo.

I skipped breakfast because I stayed up really late homeworking last night. So that was abnormal. Then little things like forgetting my phone and my shoelaces coming untied kept annoying me in the morning. I felt so petty and unsettled. Just a very inexplicable feeling. My day did get better though. It was pretty regular in general until the evening.

With every mealtime comes the minor anxiety of "who am I going to eat with?" It is minor because I actually enjoy eating alone sometimes, though people don't always understand it. I guess I am concerned about what people will think though..."she's such a loner" or "she must be lonely." Normally I don't like it when people act like that, but today was different. I was sitting by myself in the middle of saga, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked up to see the T7 RA and JA smiling down at me. They asked me if I minded sitting alone. I was sort of confused, so I was like...um, not really...but you can join me if you like...? Turns out they were done already, but A said, "If you want someone to sit with, there's a table of T7 guys over there who would love to eat with their sister." And then I couldn't see the table, so JA pulled my chair out so I could see and pushed me back in. Too sweet. I love those guys.

Turned pages for Dr. Horn during the concerto competition tonight. I like turning pages, though it can be a little stressful. So many good pianists! I heard that R won, though I'm not absolutely sure.

Well I'm bone tired. g'night

to continue my poor choices

A loose syllogism:

College students are prone to do stupid things.

Serenity is a college student.

Therefore, Serenity does stupid things.

Shh, I know my logic doesn't hold water. It dun hold nothin', actually. Though I would like to say I was one of few who actually knew what my theory prof was talking about when he went off on a tangent about symbolic logic, all those sideways "U"s and tildas and whatnot. My logic studies have paid off! By allowing me to feel superior! ahem. yes. well.

So what stupid thing did you do, you ask? Well, I went trick-or-treating today. Trick-or-treating itself isn't stupid, per se, but the fact that I'm 18 and a college student and had a load of unfinished homework to do made it stupid. First time yo. I enjoy all the candy I got and hanging out with friends, but still, looking back (3 hours later ha) it was definitely one of the not-so-smart things I've done since coming to college. Hence the staying up and homeworking marathon right now. I just ate a cookie bar and drank some green tea, so I'm not super sleepy yet.

List of Not-So-Smart Things Serfy-the-College-Student Has Done:

1. Get an F in Music Theory on a homework assignment.

2. Unmentionable on this site. Involves a lake at night.

3. Go trick-or-treating instead of homeworking.

Hopefully this list won't get any longer.

I was also thinking that I should list all the performances I've attended so far, and start posting about all the recitals I attend from here on. Those are the things I want to look back on and remember, not the trivial things I did in my spare time.

Off to brainstorm and outline my paper...I've decided to change my topic to a more palatable subject. Hopefully it will work out. I have about 7 hours to make it work.

a very long Saturday

ahh I haven't been posting as often as I did or as I would like. I've had a lot busier schedule in general this quad - not so much free time in between things. The little time I have between classes and choir I try to snatch for practicing. So even when I think of things to write about I don't have time to do it right away and put if off till evening, by which time I'm usually so brain-fried that I can't write well about anything. Oh the dilemmas of life. xD

Anyway, about today - mainly it was just long. It was good but long. also, I should be asleep now. But I'm not, obviously. The fact that I just took the time to say that shows that I'm tired.

Wow, way to go in circles about nothing. I'll just dive right in...

0900-1215: Jukebox rehearsal. Went through Acts I and II laboriously. It was painful. That's all I have to say.

After lunch, got ready for the roulette. A roulette is apparently a Wheaton tradition. Basically, a bunch of girls, usually on the same floor, set up blind dates for their roommates and everyone "goes out" together and does something fun. Yeah, it sounds sorta weird, especially for a place like Wheaton. I thought it was really strange when I first heard about it. But I was told it was chill and just supposed to be a chance to get to know a guy you might not have really known, so I went along with it.

My floor had our roulette at a nearby park. We carved pumpkins, ate food, had a three-legged race, and played games like Signs. So it was good, wholesome fun, for the most part. And it was a lot less awkward than I had been anticipating. In fact, I had a lot of fun. My date was a really sweet freshman from our brother floor (Zanna you picked well :D). I did get to know him a little bit better so I guess it fulfilled its purpose. We beasted at Signs...only got in the center once. xD

After we got back and ate dinner, Zann and I and a couple other girls headed right over to Edman for the Bayanihan National Dance performance. Quite exciting. It reminded me of Chinese performances like that, but there was also a lot of Spanish influence. A really neat blend. Oh yeah, forgot to mention they're a Filipino company.

Then we rushed back to Smith-Traber to catch the tail end of bro sis worship. They were pretty much just chilling by that time, just jamming and singing. Finally got to see P and J's room, which is as epic as I've been told. Wide screen TV + L-shaped couch makes for some pretty crazy configs.

SLEEP

feminism, femininity?

I've chosen to write about American Girl dolls for my next essay on "the consumer gaze." I think I talked about it here already so I won't go into what I'm writing about. What I want to talk about and perhaps rant about is the sources I have to use. We have to use at least two sources, so I spent some time researching in the library and came up with some stuff. There's actually quite a bit out there about AG, how they're marketed, the effect they have had on girls, even stuff like the political ideologies embedded in them. I was a little surprised. But that's all good for my purposes, more sources to quote, right?

Well, the one book I interlibrary-loaned is called "Debutantes and Delinquents" and is basically a collection of essays by women on girlhood, girls, how they're portrayed, what types of media are aimed at them. What annoys me most is the emphasis on how all the depictions of girls are "traditional." Needless to say most of the authors in there are really liberal/progressive and want us to rise up against motherhood and all that good stuff.

I read one line that complained about the dearth of literature for girls, and I was like, really? Are you kidding me??? Because growing up I had no trouble finding plenty of interesting books with female protagonists - Little Women, P&P, Anne of Green Gables, Little House books, Betsy and Tacy. Seriously. When Stephen was looking for good books to read, I couldn't think of much because these were all "girly" books. Then I read a bit more and realised that the author was talking about how all these books still depicted girls "traditionally" and encouraged them to fall into conventional roles - mothers, demure, secondary to men.

[continued on the next day]

So I don't exactly know where I'm going with this. I haven't thought through gender roles and feminism and all that stuff well enough to discuss it intelligently. To be honest, it's always been one of those topics that I just dismiss because I find it too troubling. So maybe this paper will be good for me because it will force me to think more about some of these things.

I pray for discernment.

spiritual friendship

Chapel today was on "spiritual friendship." I'm still sorta "meh" about the whole thing because 1. the speaker didn't really say anything I hadn't heard before, 2. it wasn't even a good reminder because she didn't say anything fresh, and 3. she seemed a little too wannabe-hip. But I'm glad I decided not skip after all, since the music was really awesome. It was an improv by two Conserv profs - violin and clarinet. I thought about recording it but didn't end up doing it. Oh well. I really enjoyed it. It's amazing how they could improv on the spot like that, together, without discussion or rehearsal.

Interesting happening of the day - I got to writing class ten minutes early, which is usual for me and is also when the class before mine lets out. Except today the classroom was dark and no students were streaming out. I peeked in and my prof wasn't there either. So I stayed outside and waited for my classmates. No one knew what was up; we checked email and blackboard and Dr. S had sent nothing out. So we sat down and talked about how we could leave after 15 min. if she didn't show up. Around 2:05, another prof walked in and explained that Dr. S was sick and we were to watch a movie about advertisement instead. She started the movie and left the room, at which half the class promptly left. I stayed, half paying attention, half working on my music tech website. Like J said, I certainly got more work done there than if I had been in my room. Oh well. The movie itself wasn't bad, some interesting and weird points about advertising were made.

First BITH seminar today. My preceptor is pretty awesome. He's a pastor and PhD candidate, has a wicked sense of humor, and has red hair. :D I think I'm going to enjoy it.

Went to half an organ recital after that...so amazing! I never knew the organ could have so many levels of intensity and volume and diversity in sound.

Then had to go to a Jukebox cabinet meeting...even though I'm not on cabinet. Apparently the main crew person just quit so we have to take up the slack. Great. Lackadaisical. Oh well. Three more weeks. I can do this.

Work was not a major fail today. :D I've almost got the hang of mailing packages and flats.

Dilemma tomorrow oh noes...JY's senior recital or SGC care group??? JY's senior recital will only happen once...care group is twice a month...but I really want to get to know the people. I think I'll end up going to the recital though.

After researching claret cup for Jukebox, I really want to make/drink some. :D

HoneyRock reflections - A need to be alone

Not much to say about today, except that Zanna and I went to SGC and got invited over for lunch by a family. Next Sunday, homecooked meal woot woot! So I'll delve into some of the journal reflections [originally handwritten at HR...shocker, I know] on HR. This one was from right after a solitary night-time walk/stargazing session.

The moon creeps high, high above amidst the sparkling stars, stars that blanket the sky. I have never seen so many stars. Not altogether in one sky. And the moon, what a gorgeous moon! Not nearly full, it beams as the sun, a cold, brilliant white sun, casting shadows and illuminating darkness in a way I did not think possible. My path is lit by the moon, except where the tree shadows shield its weak, glaring beams. I can see thousands & thousands of stars and I understand mankind's forever fascination with the heavens. These dots of light filling up that great blue blanket, this web that is the same in Wisconsin and New Jersey. How far it extends & can I almost sense it is round? That one that burns so bright - it rivals the moon, nay, the sun in intensity. If it were the size of the moon how it should hurt my eyes! Why are some so much dimmer? I know it is distance and each star has its place. Are they all content, I wonder. Content with the place God has put them in, content to be less known and seen by humans on earth. They do not care, of course.

I see the black, spindly silhouette of the bare trees extending into my field of vision, highlighting the intense midnight blue of the sky. The bare, spidery limbs that I had not expected - red orange purple leaves belong on their branches so I may admire & photograph them, not in soggy, ugly, sticky piles of horrid brown. The trees, too, shadow & melt. I shiver as I lie there. The wind whistles, hums through the leafless trees. I listen for the sounds, the noise of Wisconsin I can bottle up & open in New Jersey to smell. Nothing. Then, the wind. After, the water. Lapping ever so gently the shore, sparkling and dancing in the moonlight as it did in the sun seven hours ago. Regular & light, it fills me. I try to push out the sounds of laughter & banter that travels from the bonfire 500 yds away. College kids. Be quiet, will you. They shout at the canoe that splashes past - who are you? Their voices fade back as I filter them. Then, faintly - can it be? - a howl. At first I do not believe my ears. Perhaps a siren? Then, again. Do wolves howl at a moon but three quarters pregnant? Wolves, or coyotes? Coyotes? No, wolves. A long wolf, far, far away. At least I hope. I thrill at the sound - me hearing wolves howl at the moon as I lie alone in the still of night.

I walk the path. Can I see without my flashlight? Oh moon, were that thy beams were stronger. I can see, but fear overtakes me & I turn it on, balancing my Styrofoam cup of water. The weak pool of light shows me the shadow that does not exist. What a different light this gives off out here than in a warm room! I stomp back, then tiptoe when I see my roommates asleep. I hunger for more insight & nature & mourn for a hunger for God that did not come. Yet I am in awe.

high standards or pride?

It's getting a little frustrating to work with J Theater. Except I don't know whether I'm annoyed because I'm simply too snobbish about theater or if they just aren't pursuing excellence. Probably a bit of both. As with many things. I can't help feeling that I could do quite a bit better than the current "director." I finally understand Mommy's frustration at people who simply don't know how to direct. It's one thing to do really well with the language and have a clear idea of the characters, and even to be a good actor yourself, but stage directing is a whole 'nother story. It's amazing how little sense some people have about interest and levels. You can't jolly well sit in one place through five pages of dialogue.

I was talking with Zanna about the whole thing today and she asked me why I didn't speak up more, if it was because I was a freshman. I guess that has a lot to do with it. I don't want to be seen as bossy or pushy or know-it-all. But truth is I have a lot of experience, and I've shadowed professionals so much that I do know what I'm doing. I just can't jump in now and tell people what to do though. I'll just stick it out meekly like I always do. It'll be over in two or three weeks. I'll definitely have to consider carefully about committing for the next show though.

The past few days I've been sort of loopy in my practice sessions. Just finding it really hard to concentrate...my mind is always wandering to so many other places. Sometimes it's empty stuff like planning out outfits to wear (no joke) or thinking about how much food I've consumed. Other times I'm worrying about the homework I need to do. Too often my mind is hundreds of miles away, back in NJ, thinking about my family, about my friends. And most recently I've been thinking about what my friends are doing while I'm slaving away in a practice room. Perhaps people weren't joking when they talk about how you can only have two of the three S's. I know technically if you have really good time management you can have a nice amount of all three. I just need to have the right balance.

Z asked me how my expectations of college measured up with the actual thing. Surprisingly I've never really considered that. I don't quite know what my expectations were...I think I came in balanced enough to know Wheaton wasn't a perfect place so I'm not totally disappointed by how sometimes community isn't totally awesome, or chapel isn't always exciting. I guess my expectations of the actual music parts are quite close to what I've experienced. I cannot stress enough how much I enjoy studying with Dr. Horn. He's definitely my main motivation for practicing more.

I feel like I've been consuming a lot of media at college. but at the same time, I'm writing a lot more than I have in the past year. I'm thinking quite seriously about adding an English minor to my major. I really enjoy it and I'm not half bad at it.

Why do I regret things as soon as I do them? When I know I shouldn't do them in the first place.

This is getting majorly boring...

those crazy days

practicing on a Friday night...never felt so lonesome. There were a lot fewer people today than usual, it seems. My mind was wandering to ten million other places and I just couldn't concentrate. Funny how I always devolve into Chopin concerto when my brain's not functioning.

So what was taking up my brain power, you ask? Well, MWF as usual are always crazy now, what with my insane schedule. And I'd just come from a 2 hr saga date with T. I sure wasn't expecting such a long dinner when he said we needed to catch up. It was surprisingly easy to talk to him though. We talked about how A quad had gone, what B quad looked like, American lit, English majors, good English profs, RCCC peeps. Funny how it wasn't until I got to Wheaton that I actually got to know him. Now I'm almost sad he's a senior...he won't be around next year.

Work went okay today. It was actually rolling along very well until I screwed up with international postage. There's just so much to remember and I always feel a bit dumb because I don't remember how to do things. Cash registers have too many buttons... But I really enjoy getting to see people through the CPO window.

I decided it was dress-up Friday today, so I wore a purple collared shirt, grey skirt, patterned black tights, and my slouchy boots. It felt good to not be sloppy. Not that I usually am. and it helps to get a couple compliments once in a while ;)

Studio finally got around to celebrating Dr. Horn's birthday. We'd been planning to two weeks ago on his actual birthday, but studio kept getting cancelled so it wasn't until today that we got a chance to do it. K made a scrumptious chocolate chip cake and we had apple cider. Too yum! Apparently it's a tradition. Fun fun.

Should really get working on my BE11 app. Hope I'll have time tomorrow. Got a jukebox rehearsal that might take a while, need to practice, probably gonna visit T7 in the evening. Homework should probably be in that equation also...

consumerism

I'm supposed to write an essay on "the consumer gaze"- how people view items and brands, how advertising encourages us to purchase, how advertising pulls the wool over our eyes and fools us into thinking we need a certain item, etc etc etc. But instead of writing I find myself on landsend.com simply itching to buy stuff. argh. My self-control has been in a very poor state. In regards to clothes, in regards to food. I've acquired so many items of clothing since coming to college. granted, half of them are from the co-op, so I didn't actually spend money for them. But I really don't need them. I need to control myself. I think I got a job partly out of guilt for spending that money on clothes. I was able to stop myself this time by thinking about how much I already have and what I could do for other people with the money I was about to spend.

And of course food we've already discussed. I think. Oh food. How much joy I derive from the taste sensations, yet how awful I feel when I eat too much dessert (like the brownies I had with lunch today) or look in the mirror and see my tummy bulge. oy vey. Who knew the freshmen 15 was really an issue. No, I haven't gained fifteen pounds...yet. I went running for 1/2 an hour today. It's just so hard to fit it in with my schedule...Wednesdays I'm going from 0800-2100, essentially.

Eat salad eat salad eat salad. No new clothes no new clothes no new clothes. I can do this I can do this I can do this.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I also need to get back into the habit of Scripture memory. Lord, help me.

and so it continues

I have returned! I forgot to blog before I left for HoneyRock for fall break, hence the silence. I just wrote an uber-long email to family about it so I don't feel like recapping it here. But I'll probably be posting journal entires I wrote while I was there, so hold on to that thought.

Right now is a perfect example of not seizing the moment (and throttling it...jkjk). I had quite a few splendiferous topics I wanted to write about throughout the day but I've forgotten them all now because I didn't write it down. Wait. I wrote a note to myself to blog about pathos, logos, and ethos. We talked about that today in writing. Except right now my brain is too fried to think about that properly. See what I mean?

Wednesdays are crazy right now. Three classes, Conserv recital, choir, and now work. I got a job at CPO! It's a bit more complicated than I expected but NUTHIN' I CAN'T HANDLE! :D Except it means I'm going nonstop from 0800-1800. Plus practice after that, which essentially means I go from 0800-2130. TIME TO SLEEP.

::edit::

Ah, I remember one more thing I wanted to blog about. A friend linked to this post about how men should respect women. I read it even though it's intended for guys to read, and I'm so glad I did. It was a very timely reminder of what I should be looking for in a guy- not to compromise because my "pool" of eligible guys sometimes seems so weak, but to hold out for that guy who will be the spiritual and physical leader of the household. And not to want a man when I clearly am not ready for marriage and therefore have no right to be toying with that type of relationship.

three by Amy Carmichael

We've been singing three beautiful texts by Amy Carmichael in Women's Chorale. I'm touched every time I sing them and wanted to share. This is a woman who gave up many dreams, albeit conventional ones, gave up comfort, to serve needy women in India. She suffered physically from disease, yet remained with her girls. She never married (who knows if she had the gift of celibacy?) and yet was content with her place in life. Would that I could aspire to be more like her. Meditate.

Rock of My Heart

Rock of my heart and my Fortress Tow'r,
Dear are Thy thoughts to me.
Like the unfolding of leaf or flow'r,
Opening silently.

And on the edge of these Thy ways,
Standing in awe as heretofore,
Thee do I worship,
Thee do I praise,
And adore.

Rock of my heart and my Fortress Tow'r,
Dear is Thy love to me.
Search I the world for a word of pow'r,
Find it at Calvary.

O deeps of love that rise and flow
Round about me and all things mine,
Love of all loves,
In Thee I know,
Love Divine.


Love's Eternal Wonder

Lord, beloved, I would ponder
Breadth and length and depth and height
Of Thy love's eternal wonder,
All embracing, infinite

Never, never have I brought Thee
Gold and frankincense and myrrh,
In the hands that groping, sought Thee
Precious treasures never were

What was that to Thee?
The measure of Thy love was Calvary.
Stooping low, Love found a treasure
In the least of things that be.

O the Passion of Thy loving,
O the Flame of Thy desire,
Melt my heart with Thy great loving,
Set me all aglow, afire.


Before the Winds That Blow Do Cease

Before the winds that blow do cease,
Teach me to dwell within thy calm;
Before the pain has passed in peace,
Give me, my God, to sing a psalm.
Let me not lose the chance to prove the fulness of enabling love.

O Love of God, do this for me
Maintain a constant victory

Before I leave the desert land for meadows of immortal flow'rs,
Lead me where streams at Thy command flow by the borders of the hours,
That when the thirsty come,
I may show them the fountains in the way.

O Love of God, do this for me
Maintain a constant victory.
Amen.

so I have this addiction....

It's called "eating." It's pretty much true, yeah, because I've gained 4.5 pounds since coming to Wheaton. No joke. It's bad, man. those saga desserts are just so tempting. I really need to build up self control in so many areas, maybe food is a good place to start. Seriously, if I'm not careful I'm going to develop an eating disorder. I almost feel guilty sometimes when I eat too much. Almost being the key word here. And yes, I indulge in mindless eating. My mouth is itching for food but my stomach isn't really hungry. Like what I just did. Had beef jerky, pistachios and cheerios. ok ew that sounds gross. this was after the random cookies and snacks I consumed in various places today. You know what, maybe if I write everything I eat down, I'll eat less. Because when I typed it out like that I realized how much I actually ate and that sort of grossed me out.

Maybe that's my biggest struggle here. ha.

Anyway, today was a good day. Well let's start with last night. I really liked Sovereign Grace Church again, so I decided to check out the "Care Group" they have for young adults. Didn't quite know what to expect, I guess I thought it would be a Bible study type thing. It turned out to be more of a fellowship/sharing time based on a theme, which happened to be Time Management. How timely! haha, ha, ha... anyway. People shared about their struggles with time--using it wisely, temptations to waste time, etc. And then others asked questions to clarify and gave advice as they saw fit. But what pleased me was that a lot of the advice given wasn't just "I think you should..." but backed up by biblical references. Amazing. We also had a prayer time which was really good. Very refreshing. At first I felt a little weird about the whole thing because right now the group is four college girls and four guys who are all recent grads of Wheaton, but it turned out to be a real blessing. I'm definitely sticking with it.

When I got back to campus I went straight to homework, because we had been tipped off that T7 was gonna raid us that night ;) In a way I was a little disappointed that it wasn't a complete surprise, but it was still really awesome because I had no idea what to expect. The guys really put a lot of effort into it. The theme that tied the whole thing together was a little loose/confusing, but the individual stations were really fun. Especially the main terminal set up, complete with sound system and flashing lights and voice warper. Good stuff. Love those T7 guys.

Today was actually a really boring day, come to think of it. Theory was review in preparation for the midterm, Wellness got out early, also because of the midterm. Didn't have English because...wait for it...it's midterm time! So I bummed and I practiced and I debated getting coffee, oh yeah, I worked out. Skipped open recital and practiced instead. Went to ST's recital in the evening. A bummy day. Gah. I need to be less lazy.

A lot of people have told me recently that my smiling face makes them happy. That's one of those things I absolutely don't notice myself. I don't feel like I smile especially much, but apparently I do it a lot. And of course, being me, I proceed to analyze why I smile so much. Is it because I'm always happy? Certainly not. But I have to say a lot of the time my smile is genuine. Am I trying to get a response from people? Or am I trying to please people? Or maybe I'm trying to make myself feel good? I DON'T KNOW. I don't even know why there's a need to analyze this. Actually there is no need.

As you can see, I need to work on my logic.
ok BYE time to finish my homework -_-

being intentional

Today in my piano lesson, of all places, I had a conversation about being intentional. Granted, Dr. Horn and I were talking about playing notes and music in general intentionally, with a purpose, but it was just sort of interesting to have that big part of Wheaton community weave into my music too. We talk about having intentional relationships all the time, but I'd never thought about my piano playing being intentional. hmm...there's a connection there somewhere.

Apparently there's like this weird hole thing underneath the tissue holder things in our floor bathroom stalls...so you can essentially see into the other stall...highly awkward.

I also learned that the grammatically correct way to use an ellipsis is with spaces in between . . . like this. so much more complicated.

It's endearing when a guy notices you're wearing a long skirt and compliments you on it. :)

I now realize why my skirt today was at the co-op...the zipper's essentially done for. I've been wearing three safety pins to hold it together. :D oh well it's such a good day to wear a skirt.

writing

Writing. I used to have a love-hate relationship with it, for sure. Memories of crying over one paragraph book reports that took me 3 hours and staying up till 2am to finish CWG assignments. But at the same time there was the quest for the perfect word to fit in that spot, to put words down in a way that would speak to the reader. Of course that's only when I cared. Sometimes I was content to just let mediocre language appear in Times New Roman, usually when it was past 1am. And I didn't feel a need to try harder, because I still got high marks on my work. Bad habit, I know.

I have to say in general it's still the same way right now. I write better when I leave myself more time. I still get a good grade when I churn out the four page essay the night before. But now I enjoy it more. I enjoy the outcome of a paper I'm content with and know I put effort into. I even almost enjoy the process of producing the paper. Almost. And I still get good grades on them. I had a one-on-one conference with my writing prof today and she was surprised I wasn't planning to be an English major because I was a good writer. Well, it's definitely good to know my writing is worth something. I was planning to register for another writing class next sem anyway because it turned out to be much funner than I expected. And it's a good break from mooozik.

Jukebox rehearsal tonight, let's see how it goes.

busy? pt. 2

After I got back from the awesome shopping trip, loaded down by shopping bags and some fruit and yogurt J's mom had us take home, I headed straight for the practice room since it was already 4:00 by now and I had to usher in the evening. Oh, forgot to mention that we also went to the cutest little boutique, Francesca's Collections, and picked up some gifts for Suzanna. Girl is turning 18 this Thursday!

After dinner, headed straight over to Edman to usher the Artist Series concert, Paragon Ragtime. I'm a fan of ragtime, so I was excited, unlike a lot of people, it seemed. I mean, it can get a bit repetitive after a while, but this conductor was quite engaging and took time between pieces to explain and lead us on the musical "journey" we were taking. The special attraction was a silent film that they played with at the end, slapstick fun stuff with Buster Keaton. Great experience.

Sunday I went to Sovereign Grace Church again. Good sermon and worship. Finally met the "Tim" that people have been asking me if I knew...when I went to LWEC people kept asking me and I was like...there are so many freshmen, idk. But yeah like me he's always been to a Chinese church so wanted to try something new.

Afternoon I went on the SMM trip to Wyndemere. I was half-thinking about not going originally because I'd been out all Saturday and hadn't done any homework yet. But I'm glad I went. Played the Schumann I'd played in studio and messed up a lot, though I've apparently gotten really good at hiding it as one of the juniors complimented me on it. I was freaking out over the memory slip and the numerous finger slips and he was like, "don't be such a piano major!" hehe. but I think I do bring out the character pretty well, which makes people think I'm better than I am. lol. Had a good time talking with some of the residents and getting to know my SMM group more.

Got back to the dorm and half helped Suzanna make apple crisp and half tried to do homework. Sorta got a little bit done...we were making apple crisp to bring to her prof's house for a studio party.

That was pretty interesting. Apparently her prof has two of these gatherings every year at his house. His wife is a really good cook, I must say, lots of soups and chili. People brought dessert and we had ice cream, mmm it was good. After we ate, we started watching Princess Bride. Lots of people who could quote it word for word. I left early though because I wanted to try to get some work done. Ended up not doing much though.

As usual, I can't think of what to write about for my next essay. Always happens. But I have to come up with some sort of proposal by 2:15 today because I'm discussing with my teacher....think think think

busy?

What a full weekend. Barely had time to work on my homework. Of course a lot of it was my own doing.

For example...I spent half of Saturday shopping. xP One of the girls on my floor lives 25 min. away from Wheaton and she needed to go shopping and asked if anyone wanted to go. I've been looking for black flats, so I went with her. And yes, I did accomplish my black flats mission...in addition to some other things. :D Leggings (F21), purple button-up shirt (NY&Co), and jean shorts (Banana Republic). And on Thursday I picked up three skirts (H&M, long gypsy-ish, and BR), a brown vest thing, and a pair of J.Crew wool pants from the co-op (which = free). SCORE. I do feel like I'm acquiring too much clothing though. no more, Serfy.

Before we went shopping, we stopped by J's house for breakfast. Her house is the most amazing place EVER. It's an ivy-covered smallish house with a covered sunroom, facing a golf course. The interior is full of dark wood mixed with cream and pastel-colored walls. It's an older house so the rooms are on the small size, but decorated so beautifully that you don't notice it. J's mom has a very elegant taste in general. I felt like I had entered the ultimate American home. J's bedroom especially is like an American Girl Doll bedroom, complete with white metal bedframe. Wallpapered bathroom walls with a mini-dumbwaiter. I am in love with that house. Breakfast was super yummy too. Waffles and egg-potato-bacon casserole, fruit salad, yogurt. mm so good to have a home-cooked meal.

After shopping till we dropped, went to Potbelly's for a light lunch and then J's mom picked us all up for ice cream, Grammy's treat! Ahhh I loved it. J's family is just too sweet. Her brother's played with Midori. I had a great time even though part of the time my mind was thinking about the homework I should have been doing.

sleeptimeeee
to be continued...

my family

My daddy is the sweetest man ever and when I grow up I want a husband just like him. well, maybe minus the boring job. My mama is so lucky to have him. He made her a photobook of the past 21 years of marriage and it brought back so many memories I started tearing up. ahhh my family is so wonderful and I miss them so much.

brain dump

I'm having trouble deciding what to write my next paper on. The main theme/topic is travel, but I can't decided what place I want to write about. The easy choice would probably be Shanghai/Hong Kong, since that's what's freshest in my memory and I'm older and can process things better. But I feel almost like that would be a cop-out. And there's not any one instance that really stands out to me. Plus I've been thinking and writing sooo much about Asian-ness since coming here that it's almost sickening. I sound so awful right now but it's almost true.

I'm even more confused now about the whole identity thing. Am I Chinese or American or Chinese American? What do these labels mean? I'm Chinese, heritage-wise. I know that for sure. I am of Chinese descent, I have the yellow-toned olive skin of the Chinese, the black straight hair, the flat nose. So I look different. I speak Cantonese, a language clearly very different from English. I like to eat Chinese food. I miss Chinese food now that I've gone 1.5 months without real Chinese food. But are there some essential qualities that identify me as Chinese? Is it tradition? A way of viewing the world?

This extends to friendships too. Do I relate to Asians, Chinese in particular, better because we share that common racial bond? I used to think so. For example Jo and I got along very well but she didn't quite understand the Asian mindset. What is the Asian mindset? Grades money success? But then I never felt entirely comfortable with, say, church people either. Either they were too hung up on AP classes and SAT scores, or they were immersed in kpop and Taiwanese dramas, or they were so liberal it was nauseating, or they didn't get homeschoolers. So maybe it's not true. Since coming to Wheaton I haven't interacted much with Asians. My suitemate and Zanna, pretty much, a couple upperclassmen in my studio. I didn't join the Asian fellowship and I don't know why. I went to the OMD reception and at first I was happy to see all the culture there but I didn't feel comfortable/entirely welcomed. Oh, they weren't unfriendly, but I just didn't like it. Ugh. I don't know what's up with me.

Am I simply rebelling against that "Asian" label? Because lots of people have been telling me to join Koinonia but I just never did. The first time it was a time issue, and then later it was partly time and partly because I didn't want to.

My conversation with Serena rocked my world though. She totally understood where I was coming from and said she felt much the same way when she was here. Just trying to reconcile the two different parts, and she still doesn't have any answers.

At the same time I don't think of myself as entirely Americanized. Do I want to disassociate from American culture because of the trash that comes with it? Mainly the media and the morals. And yet, I feel an intense patriotism for my country that most Asian Americans don't feel. My patriotism stems from a deep appreciation for the freedom that we have in this country. Not so much the political system or the historical aspect, but a deep desire to preserve and spread the freedom of many things that we have in this country.

I suppose that's why I wanted ROTC so bad. So I could feel like I was contributing to preserving that freedom. But in that way I'd be serving my country, not all of which I agree with. I heard another absolutely different view about war/peace the other day that I had never quite heard though. And from someone I deeply respect too. Basically he's almost a Mennonite and believes in pacifism/non-violence. He believes that God calls us to lead peaceful lives and not fight through the example that Jesus set in the NT. Beyond that, he believes that Christians should not get involved with organized government...I forgot quite what his reasoning for that was. I think it was something along the lines of we are but strangers in this world, travelling through to heaven, so we should not build up earthly things like that. I wonder what he thinks about social justice. LIke the times when the only way to help the poor and hurting is through the government. Should you work with and for them then?

I've had so many questions running through my head lately. Just so many random things have happened and I haven't been quiet enough to process all of them properly.

Like the Dugle family. Even though I never knew them very well, I knew they were a great family and I am extraordinarily saddened by their loss. I know Mrs. Dugle had been struggling with her condition for a while, but still, I can't imagine how hard it is on Schuyler. All I can do is keep praying and praying for him.

Then last night's movie made me think about patriotism all over again. and unfulfilled love. Patriotism because obviously it was a war movie and full of heroes and non-heroes. Heroes who were willing to sacrifice their lives for their country. Unfulfilled love, such aching passion that could not be consummated, and again for country. Could I do that for my country? I almost feel like it would be harder to do that for God. Because I know he's in control and it's essentially his "fault" if I didn't get married.

But the chapel speaker a couple days ago reminded me that God does call certain people to singleness - whether for a lifetime or for a longer period of waiting time. And for many it's hard to be content in that place. I wonder how I will feel if I am 40 and unmarried and childless.

Ah brain dumps. I just spent half an hour writing instead of practicing. And there's still so much to mull over. Was it worth it? I really can't say. Anyway it's dinnertime.

emotionally wrecked

LOL because of a movie. Watched Hua Mulan with my floor today...it is legit the saddest movie ever. It's GUT-WRENCHING. I screamed during the uber-suspenseful parts and came thisclose to crying over the sad parts. Velma was all out bawling. Soooo many super sad parts...quite a violent movie too, in some respects. Lots of killing, because it's essentially a war movie with a love story intertwined. I did like how the main couple didn't do anymore than hug though. Yep, hug. Not even a kiss. I so enjoyed listening to the Mandarin and understanding most of it.

Had pizza and mooncake for dinner...good stuff. xD In the afternoon, I essentially studied/facebooked/bummed. Had a spontaneous jamming session with suitemates minus Zann.

Yeah I really didn't do much this Sunday. I did really like the church I attended this morning though. Sovereign Grace Church. One of the seniors in my studio goes there, and of course I've heard quite a bit of Sovereign Grace music, so I decided to check it out. And boy, I think I sensed God calling me there. I'm not entirely sure if it's just a feeling though...I mean, I enjoyed it there. I didn't really talk to any of the people there though. But I'm gonna go back again next week for sure. The sermon was really expository; preaching from the passage instead of using random Bible verses to support a point. And the music was good...musically and lyrically. They meet in a school, which gave it a bit more of a laidback feel. I feel like it was a bit more informal than I'm used to, e.g. the preacher was wearing jeans, but they certainly had a worshipful spirit, which is more important, I suppose. We'll see.

Yay for a new week!

a good Saturday

It's been a good day. So far. Except for the fact that the reason I'm blogging is because I'm waiting for a practice room. This concert tonight screws up my schedule...normally I practice Saturday evening because there are so fewer people. Okay. Let me just say that people who leave their stuff in a practice room and don't come back for like half an hour are really annoying. I'm gonna go take that room soon.

[continued afterwards]

Anyway, this morning we went apple-picking. It was supposed to be a bro-sis thing but only one guy showed up, not including the RA and our RA's bf. Still, it was a lot of fun just hanging out with the girls and the token boy. Because he's really chill and generally friendly, so it wasn't weird or awkward. The only thing that would have made it better was slightly warmer weather...it was really windy. But the apples were absolutely delish, and I bought half a dozen cider donuts! MMMMYUMMMM

Came back in time for lunch at saga. Then I met Serena for coffee. oh yeah, I didn't tell that story yet.

So yesterday I was practicing in 214 and decided to take a practice break. I walked out of the room and saw this lady who looked like someone I knew. I was almost sure but not 100%, but lately I've been working on acting on my impulses (the good ones...that I sometimes second guess) so I went up to her and said, "Ms. Chin?" She whipped around and had this shocked look on her face. She totally recognized me though. She wasn't sure of my name but she remembered me as Stephen's sister. She told me later that she had sort of thought I looked familiar too but wasn't sure, and that I had a funny look on my face as she walked past me, like I knew her too.

Boy, am I glad I acted on that impulse though. We had a nice long chat over coffee today, and we talked about everything from PGC to Wheaton in general to being Chinese on campus. It was so awesome to talk with someone who understands my struggles with my Asian identity here and isn't just like, "join koinonia and everything will be alright!" It was great. She reminisced a bit about her days, gave me some advice, and talked about some of the changes. It was such an awesome coincidence - well, I won't say coincidence because I know God planned it. But just getting to meet an alumna whom I had known before, however distantly, was great. So I have her contact info now should I ever need her help or advice.

Tonight we had our first orchestra concert. The choirs sang too for two movements of the Brahms. SO COOL. I love singing with the orchestra.

We got back and Zanna and I decided to have a mini food party and talk about our weeks. I really love being roommates with her. We really do get along very well, I think.

There were amazing chocolate truffles for dinner. YUM

This is getting boring and I need to sleep. Goodnight.

my crazy week

This has definitely been a week of crazy ups and downs. Every time something bad happened, something good would come up and counterbalance it. Just when I thought it was smooth again, my boat would tip and something stinky would happen.

I'm gonna go backwards because that's how I remember things. Jessina had a mini "Welcome October" party in her room today which was quite relaxing and fun. We just snacked and talked. She is absolutely wonderful. I think she felt like she had been away for too many weekends and wanted to connect with us all again.

In English today, Dr. Schreck had me read aloud my essay to the whole class. I totally wasn't expecting that. She had asked for a clean copy but I didn't know why and it didn't click. And I thought she would talk to me beforehand. Oh well. I guess I'm fine with it...it is weird reading your own work out loud to a group of people though. But I got some really good feedback. The most surprising thing was the flow. Quite a few people thought the flow of my essay was very good. I feel like my transitions were still really choppy but perhaps reading out loud, or speechifying, is different from just reading mentally.

We sang for Dr. Hopper's award ceremony today. Kaitlyn and I ended up wearing the same shade of salmon without planning it. And people actually noticed. We have a really cute picture together ^^ I'm so glad I got to be a part of that ceremony as a member of WC...maybe there are advantages to being in WC after all.

I skipped Wellness to finish writing for English. I'm glad I didn't skip Chapel though. It was a very good chapel today. Homecoming is this weekend, so lots of alumni are back. The speaker was an alumnus who is now a successful businessman, President of some company or something. He spoke on appreciating what we have here and making choices to capitalize on our time here. But it wasn't just another motivational speech; I think he was really speaking from the heart. He teared up several times while talking, like when he talked about still being single after so many years. Which is like the anti-poster boy of Wheaton grad- not a missionary, not married. But it was so good.

Finally got a better score on my theory hw. Got two Fs this week, which was the lowpoint of my week.

Another lowpoint was finding out about Mrs. Dugle. It was such a shocker. I think Schuyler is hanging in there...will just keep praying for him and Mr. Dugle.

And I found out right after our raid on our brother floor too. I was so excited and hyper after that, logged onto Facebook and found out. Could not concentrate on writing the paper.

The raid went well, I guess. I think I enjoyed it...maybe a little too intense. Good cookies.

I'm sleepy. Tomorrow we're hopefully going apple picking, if it doesn't rain.

what a day...

I thought it would end happy...but I just got news that Schuyler's mom passed away today. My heart breaks for Schuyler and his dad...it must be so hard on them. Lord, I pray, I pray and beg that you will lavish your love on them and fill them with your comfort, the comfort that only you can give. Let them not lose hope and let them cling to your goodness no matter how dark it gets. Lord, please.

Lord Jesus, I love thee

God is so amazing! Just the way he reveals himself to me.

My day started off really crappy. Worst morning so far. Got my theory homework back and what do I see? A big fat F. F for Failure. I was stunned. Yeah, first F I've ever gotten in my life. I was a little dumb through the whole class, you can ask Faith. Just so floored. I don't know what's worse...getting an F because you don't understand the material, or getting an F because you missed half the assignment due to carelessness. Obviously for me it was the latter. I didn't read the directions carefully and forgot to label the intervals. Stupid. Mommy's always right of course..."don't make careless mistakes!"

So I was all upset and posted an angry FB status about it and basically announced it to the world, stupidly, again. There's nothing I can do about it, talked with Dr. Gordon, but he said it was just one homework grade out of like 30 so it shouldn't affect my overall grade tooo much. Still, I better get all A+s and not just A's from now on if I want my overall grade to be an A. Grrr

Throughout the day it was still sorta simmering inside...angry at myself for being so stupid. Tonight there was something called Student Vigil, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. I wasn't in the mood, I thought. But it sounded a bit interesting so I decided to go check it out and maybe stay for half an hour. I ended up staying the whole time - 1.5 hrs. That's how amazing it was. It turned my whole mood upside down.

It's basically a really chill time of music for conservies and non alike. Everyone sits on blankets and pillows on Pierce stage and there's tea and cookies. People came up to play music and we listened and sang along as we liked. Someone played Heart of Worship...brought back good memories for me of learning to play that on the guitar and being able to worship with it...because it's the one song I could play fluently. Becky and Chris did House of God Forever and three other songs. Someone played an arrangement of Come Thou Fount, and Riley played a mvt. of a Haydn sonata. I don't know if it was the music, or just the overall mood, but by the end when it was prayer time I was so ready for it, I really wanted it. I usually struggle with prayer the most...a lot of the time when they're like, ok, split into small groups and pray for 10 minutes I start freaking as to what I'll say when it's my turn. But this time I just focused on God, not me, and said what was in my heart without thinking about how people would take it or respond to it. Overall it was just an amazing time and I feel so blessed that God slapped me upside the head (well...gently) and reminded me that one grade is not the end of the world.

And one guy's testimony really moved me in another way...he had been away from Wheaton for the past two years because his family couldn't afford it so he left after one semester. And it just reminded me how extremely blessed I am to be here. I take it for granted- the community, the fact that M and D can afford it. Of course it is always in the back of my mind that I should do something to relieve the financial burden on Daddy, but it is not near enough that I act on it. I really should get a job though. But even if I can't help out with money, the least I can do is really apply myself in my studies and make it worth it. meaning no more carelessness on easy homework.

In between the F and vigil, there was awkward Wellness class, as usual, short workout, awesome English class. Our next essay is a narrative on travel...I'm so excited! I love narratives!!! So much easier for me. And I love having a "forced" opportunity to write about my travels...I never write coherently about them. Now I just have to decide what to write on...

I met with the director of the play today. I didn't get cast for the play but I expressed interest in stage managing, so I met with Angelo to discuss that. It's gonna be fun, getting involved in theatre again. can't wait! Angelo's a pretty cool guy too...we got to talking about other stuff like siblings and stuff.

Yep so that was pretty much my day...with 3 hours of practice, of course. I hope I don't suck too badly at my lesson tomorrow. Oh yeah we have that photoshoot for Music Tech too...blech.

today was a crazy day

Not because I did anything crazy, really. It was just really interesting. I feel like recapping the whole day yay

Woke up early, for a Sunday, 8:30, because Zanna and I had a meeting with two other girls for music tech. We were supposed to shoot the videos for our mission statements, but turns out we couldn't get the cameras on weekends. So we decided to just discuss the content of our mission statements, and walk down to Adams Park to do a bit of location scouting. Since we were there already I suggested we go visit the French Farmers' Market. Such cool stuff there! Jewelry and scarves and old books....and best of all, FOOD. :D Lots of free samples. Ahhhh I wanted to buy all those pastries, they looked so good. Of course I shouldn't...no moola. I've been using too much >< No more buying silly things! Especially food when I already have so much of it.

After that we went to brunch, where I ate a peanut butter and chocolate chip waffle. ahhh soo good. I can't get over how delicious food is. I could not survive without all the wonderful tastes and yums and ahhhh.

Went back to my room and attempted to do homework but just sorta puttered around and cleaned my room. At 1:00 I went to the saga circle to meet the head crew girl from Jukebox to go do some inventorying at the storage place. There were supposed to be more people but it ended up being just me and Mara. It was cool though. Scripture Press, as it's called is a huge building owned by the college which houses several ministries and organizations, including Church of the Res. In the warehouse part there are many "cages" - wire and wood structures that are basically like see-through rooms.

We thought it would take longer but it ended up only taking an hour to go through everything. Costumes, random furniture, not too many props, actually. some set stuff. It'll be cool to work with the people on crew. Though deep down I really want to get cast, but I know it probably won't happen. But that's okay. I think I'll definitely be disappointed, but I'm pretty much guaranteed a spot on crew, and maybe even stage manager, so I'll still be involved.

After that I met up with Zanna to go downtown to La Spiaza to meet Kaitlyn. Love that place...so eclectic. Except when they play weird music and/or the place starts to smell like puke because of someone's garlic pizza. No joke. But, chai tea latte is good but pricey. shouldn't go there too often. Anyway, crazy part of the visit was the guy working there. So either because I was wearing a kooky hat or something, the guy decided to have a little fun with me. Z and I were discussing it afterwards and we couldn't decide if he was flirting, being weird, or just joking around cuz he was bored.

So I walked up and saw scones in the display case and I made a happy/surprised face. The dude looks at me and does the cover-his-mouth-omgosh thing back at me. So I laugh because he did look pretty funny. I ordered my chai latte and he asks me what size I want...except he uses his hands instead of words. So he's moving his hands up and down to mean small/medium/large and I'm like mimicking him to show him medium. man it was weird. I felt so awkward and laughy. ugh. I tell him which scone I want, he takes it out, grabs a plate, and sets it down, saying something like, "that's all I have for you right now". I really didn't catch it so I sorta smiled and waited. Then he takes a fork out and starts pretending to stab/poke me with it. I'm thinking...okay, this is sorta weird... But I don't know how to respond so I sorta laugh. LOL it was painfully funny. And then I was just like, "no...just...no" yeah. That was so random.

Came back, practiced some, then went to dinner, during which we had some interesting conversations...I forget now ahh. But there were curly fries so I felt really happy! :D Some guys at another table were playing a game where they threw an apple around and tried to catch it by skewering it on their fork. It was funny to watch the apple flying through the air with like six forks sticking out of it.

After that Z and I decided to go practice...we were on our way out of saga with a Josh and were talking about how cold it was, and he goes, "this is weird, but do you guys want to huddle for warmth?" Fortunately we had a good excuse because he was going back to the dorms and we were going to the conserv, but I was thinking, "um, easy way to get close to girls....or are you seriously that cold..." hmmm...

Around 8:30 Z and I left and went up to T7, where we played Contact in the lounge. That is one intense game. Hurt my voice playing it.

Man I can't wait to phone/vchat family tomorrow. I was missing them lots today. so much so that I randomly texted D. to remind him how lucky he is to be with his family.