facedesk

I just accidentally friended someone on Facebook. Say wha....? failz.  <--- what happens when I'm tired.  Time to get off Facebook and finish work...

on missing a friend

I thought of you today as I was walking back from practicing. I looked up in a moment of stillness and saw the glowing moon in a sumptuous everlasting sky. Puffs of deep grey cloud idled nearby. How I would love watching the stars with you. I missed you then. All the way back I thought of you. I passed a guy yakking away on his cell phone, shuffling along in socks and sandals, and I thought, you would never do that. I noticed the deep intrusive hum of the generators powering all the expensive new buildings and remembered a quiet summer evening.

 I think of you often. I catch myself at the oddest moments saying to myself, you would enjoy doing this. Or perhaps, I would enjoy doing this with you. Are those the same? I hope so.

 Perhaps it is a selfish wish, but my heart would be made so glad if you were here with me.

a day of infamy

I can't believe it's been 10 years since 9/11. I can't believe there is a generation of kids growing up who don't have a connection to that event at all. As I have no idea how the Vietnam War affected the past generations of Americans, or how other big events like the Watergate scandal changed people's lives.

 I remember I started this blog around this time last year, and wrote a whole long cathartic post on my 9/11 memories. It's late now, and I doubt I'll write anything nearly as long and coherent...but I can't help but feel unwhole if I don't finish this before I go to bed.

 I took a long time thinking of a good Facebook post to put up just now. I wanted to say something along the lines of "America forever" or "We will never forget" or something similarly popular and populist and patriotic. But I found myself getting stuck...was I really proud to be an American? What do I think about this long war we have fought? I got political about it. What a strange place to be. Normally I'm just solidly patriotic. I caught myself being cautious of what I said. And thinking about this never-ending conflict of the human race, whatever the particular difference may be. Do I condone war? I don't know. There are plenty of battles and wars in the Bible. Yeah, the non-God-sanctioned ones didn't alway end up too well, but what about when God told the Israelites to wipe out a particular race? Wow, that didn't make any sense. I mean, America doesn't fight wars based on what God tells us to do. So does that mean any war we're fighting is wrong?

 And the funny thing is I didn't mean to get political about it. I just want to honor the memory of those who unwittingly died in the initial attacks. I suppose the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars are so tied in with 9/11, for me, that I can't separate them. I am so immensely grateful and admire very much the men and women in the service who have served and continue to serve in those places and elsewhere. (And so glad Lt K is back safely!) Maybe they don't keep me safe here in IL...after all I could get mugged and they couldn't do anything about it, but I like to think they make America a slightly safer place by preventing the enemy from attacking American soil.

And so I think I'll commemorate the 10th anniversary of the September 11th attacks with prayer for the families still mourning loved ones, and for those still serving overseas...for God's will to be done and for his justice to rule. Amen.

whirlwind

Hi. I'd just like to let you know that I'm suffering from a lack of contact with certain friends back home right now. :( It's been so, so lovely reconnecting with all my Wheaton friends, but some people back home I just can't get off my mind. I read someone's cheesy Facebook status yesterday about how missing someone is when you're doing something and you wish they were there with you. Yeah, that's the way I feel about so much of this. Even simply walking through campus, or sitting in a restaurant, I wish it were with so-and-so. I. miss. people.

But really, it's been amazing how "whole" I've felt. It really is almost like coming home. The first night was the most lonely because it was SO quiet. I missed mommy and daddy and Stephen so much I almost cried then. But Kaitlyn came the day after, and more people, and now we've got a bunch of freshmen on the floor. I have started catching up with so many friends too...about our summers, life in general. Even people I didn't think I'd be so glad to see, and would be so glad to see me. I even talked with one of my senior conservie friends about the whole becoming a non-music-major thing...she's not sure she wants to continue with music either.

Work has been another actually good part of life. The work atmosphere at CPO has always been one of heavy sarcasm and indie music. It took me a little getting used to at first because I'm not always that quick-witted. But it's been great to be one of the experienced workers and to spend time, during work and meals, with a different set of people than I'd normally do.

I am off to write more essays yay...

PS...I suppose this is becoming more of a "time at Wheaton" blog than a "musings of a Wheaton freshman" blog, so it's time to change that blog description...

please don't leave, don't leave me

I am feeling sad and down and angsty tonight. I do not want to leave home again. I hate packing my life into two suitcases, a carry-on, and a backpack. Why does life turn out this way? Whoever thought up the idea of college, and leaving your home to study your butt off in a foreign place, clearly wasn't one of the ones being sent (/was an idiot). Whoever thought it was a good idea for me to go to college 800 miles away was...oh wait, that was me. Because no matter how much I complain about New Jersey, no matter how much I chafe under my parents' discipline, this will always be home. And I will always be homesick. Even when I am happy.

And this is why emotional stability is one of the tenets of good leadership. Because if I were writing this about encampment, I'd be in serious doo-doo right about now. Venting on FB? fuggedaboutit.

just for funzies

LOLOL so I just read an article on Tiger Woods firing his longtime caddie...and here's one of the readers' comments: "Tiger who? I wish he'd just retire and disappear. Why should I be interested in anything he does/did/may do? Like the Kardashians, and Real Housewives, Mike Tyson, Lady Gag-Gag, and Uriah Heep. Good bye, and good night."

URIAH HEEP?? major props to you, well-read commenter. HAHAHA

unless...he's referring to the English rock band, Uriah Heep. In which case I will give him less props, but props to the band for choosing that name. xD

just for funs (and lazies)

So I saw the piano template while I was working on another form...and decided it was now or never, or else I'd never have a chance to use the piano template for anything...so I made a form. Consider it the grown-up version of "Quiz about MEHHH!!?!! <3" hehe

un-friending...

I dreamt two nights ago that I un-friended two groups of people on Facebook. In those two groups were a couple people that I actually wanted to keep as friends.

I woke up and thought I'd really done that, checked Facebook, and realized it was a dream. Then I laughed at myself for being so ridiculously silly and petty.

But just now I was randomly stalking some of my peeps on Facebook, and remembered this one photo I wanted to look up. I remember that it's in my Deputy Commander's "Summer 2011" album, so I go to her page. And lo and behold, I see the little button that says "Add as friend."

Now, before you tell me this is getting trivial, let me just say that this is someone I've developed a good working relationship with, someone I would say I am good real life friends with. I've been on the phone with her more than any of my good girl friends for the past 8 months. We ESPN. We know how the other person works. We've just survived the most stressful 10 days of our lives together. And now we're not even Facebook friends?

I'm not really upset, just plain surprised. Yes, this is trivial, but really, is this an indicator of where our relationship has gone? At the end of encampment, we had an open discussion where we laid out how we thought we two had miscommunicated during the week and how we said some things we probably shouldn't have. But does she hate me?

Before we left she told me she "f---ing hates [my other deputy]." I took that as heated words in the moment and kinda brushed it off. But I checked, and she's unfriended him too.

I guess the question now is, do I care? Well, yes, I am personally offended that she doesn't think I'm even worth keeping on Facebook. And we need to have a good working relationship until at least the AAR...I can't have her hating my guts before we finish this thing up.

But I think back to that night before we had our little "serious talk." I was talking it over with some of my trusted advisors - CAP senior members and AF personnel and such. Lt. J asked about our personal relationship, whether that factored into the equation. And honestly, it didn't. I didn't see myself staying lifelong friends with her. We come from such radically different places, and we've never been able to be completely open with each other.

So no, in the long run, I don't care that she's being petty and leaving me out of her virtual life. I've got plenty of other people to stalk. ;)

And yes, I just wrote a whole blog post, my first in a while, about unfriending people on Facebook. Oh the travails of a 21st century teen. ::cheeky grin::

In the near future I may post about Encampment. I'm still in the process of writing my private account in my journal, and completing my official account in my continuity file, so it might take a while.

and this is why...

God surrounds me with good people. man, can I ever be stupid. I tell people not to vent on FB, and then I go and do the same. STOOPID

I never learn.

heart matters

Every Christian woman hears at some point that modesty is a matter of the heart, not simply dress. I've heard my fair share of that view, and I always thought I agreed with and adhered to it. But after talking with Hannah about modesty and all that goes with it the other night, I'm thinking...maybe I'm still not quite approaching this the right way.

I realized my standards are different depending on where I'll be/who I'll be seeing. For example, I'd never wear a strapless dress to Sunday service at RCCC, but, I'd wear a strapless dress in a church if I were playing piano in a recital. Or, if I'm going to be hanging out with my more conservative homeschool friends, I'll make sure my skirt's a bit longer and my shirt has no danger of showing anything, anywhere.

Double standard much? I'm letting people and places define what I wear, who I am, even. And I'm not loving all of my neighbors. Why do I feel like I need to serve my Christian brothers more than I need to serve my non-Christian guy friends? Somewhere in my mind the thought comes, "Psh, they're used to seeing much more skin, so if I wear this v-neck shirt, they're not even going to notice anything."

Wow. That sounds incredibly silly. And I've been living like this forever...when I'm picking my outfit, I always evaluate based on the particular event or day, not based on one high standard I believe God wants me to set.

And now it's time to examine how many other areas of my life fall under this deluded logic...

[un-relateds]:

1. I passed the prelims for the Princeton Festival Piano Comp today, so moving on to finals in two weeks! I'm so thankful that my hard work paid off...though this means I can't build my push up muscles for another two weeks...

2. Below issue is still...rather undecided. Well, I've been praying about it and...I just don't know. I think I need to pray more fervently.

3. I am so thankful for friends! Grace and love are so beautiful, I don't know how people can live without them!

jumbled thoughts of a discontent mind

[I like the form of poetry, but I kind of fail at finding poetical ways to put things. I should stick with prose.]

If I could live on a mountaintop, free from the pollution of human bickering and the hum of machinery, my mind would be clear as the fresh piney air.

At least, that is the delusion I cling to. I keep expecting outward changes to make me feel better. A change of scenery, a change of friend groups. College vs home.

But instead, when I'm here, I wish I was there. When I'm doing this, I wish I could be doing that.

I am never content. Lately, I've been even more so.

I've been considering, very seriously, applying for the AFA Class of 2016. I felt slightly pathetic not being able to do ROTC this past year, but I realize now it's one or the other. It's impossible to mix both of my passions at this point. If I stay in the Conserv, there's no way I could do crosstown AFROTC. If I drop out of the Conserv and stay at Wheaton, I could probably juggle AFROTC, but why would I make my parents pay tens of thousands of dollars for a normal education? OH WAIT. AFROTC includes scholarships if I commit. But still...why?

So the way I see it, it's AFA or bust! Or rather, AFA, or piano performance at Wheaton.

But here comes the long list of problems.

First of all, would I even get into the AFA? That's kinda a toss up. All my life I've been humanities/arts, and now to enter a school where the core curric is mostly sciences? I have the high school creds and the SAT scores, but would I die of the academic workload? Athletics/general physical fitness is another area I'm super iffy on. No team sport, no consistent sport at all, and yeah, I kinda fail at running a mile anywhere near 8:00.

Points in my favor - I'd knock the leadership and non-athletic ECs outta the park. Earhart award? Check. Cadet Commander of CAP Encampment? Check. 14 years of piano? Check. Drama and choir for all of high school? Check. Plenty of volunteer service too. Also, I can BS my way out of anything that involves writing.

Yeah, that's lookin' a little scrawny. But. I have heard that the AFA, like any college, looks for diversity, so maybe it'd be kinda cool that I'm a bit...different?

And like my mom said, I could probably handle the academics. I'm smart, just super lazy.

Oh yeah, that's another thing...parents. um, in multiple ways. Yeah, M and D are mostly okay with it. Basically, they're like, if you get in, go for it. I think deep down they're kinda shocked that they've raised a daughter who's so gungho about the military, but they're rollin' with it. They're cool like that. But they have been saying, make sure you're not acting on a whim (I'm not!) and do you really think you can handle it?

It'd be the greatest achievement of my life if I got in, and if I graduated in four years, commissioning as an AF Lieutenant.

But. What about the rest of my life goals? You know, the "marry the best man in the world" part, and the "have 6 kids and homeschool them" part. It's kinda hard to homeschool when you're in the active duty. And I don't want to get married at 35...I wanna have kids early! Except...getting married involves finding a spouse and that part's totally out of my control anyway.

How do you know whether a desire you have comes from God, or from your own wayward heart? Is it only because I'm not in the musically-steeped environment of the Conserv that I've lost my passion to work hard for music?

But, I'm not giving up my musical dreams for a life of ease or anything. No, I'd have to work ten times as hard if I went to the AFA.

But what about the whole "where I am right now is right where God wants me" thing? I was so sure Wheaton was where God wanted me to be, and now, I'm not so sure. I want this other dream so badly, and I reason that it's now or never...why get stuck in a rut at so early an age?

See, I could go to the AFA, serve my time, all the while staying involved with my music stuff. Whereas...the other way round doesn't really work. Get my BM in piano at Wheaton then...what? Enlist in the USAF? Officership all the way, man. Enter the AFA class of 2018? Goodness. That's a little bit too long.

GAHH I wish God would tell me what to do. This is like college decisions all over again.

If I could do my life over...I'd not do ballet, join CAP at 12, get my private pilot's license at 16, get ground team certified at 16, do a sport, do IACE and PJOC, and apply for AFA Class of 2014. THAT'S WHAT ALL OF MY SONS ARE DOING.

AHHHHHHHH

I'M GOING CRAZY HERE

HELP

I HATE FINALS

food for thought

Whew, I haven't been here in a while. Really, I've been so busy that I've barely had a chance to settle down and write anything. Oh, I've felt the need to, but I just didn't have time.

Just came back from Mennonite dinner. Every Thursday evening, Dr Coolidge and her husband host students from Wheaton, and a guest speaker, serving a hearty home-cooked meal and lots of good conversation. Sometimes the guest is a Wheaton prof, sometimes a chapel speaker that week. Today was my first time, and the speaker was Dr Keith Johnson in the BITH department. He had moderated the "Patriots, Pacifists, and Peacemakers" panel discussion the night before. I had to leave almost right after they started, because I was supposed to play for G's lesson, but I'd already been there long enough to know that I want to go back! This is the sort of thinking and learning I want to do, in an organic, unstructured environment, with no lesson plan or end-of-course goals to fill. This will fit in very well with my schedule next year, so I will definitely make an effort to go.

Speaking of last night's panel - that was one fascinating evening. A panel of four profs, ranging from ultra-pacifist to strong proponent of just war, discussed questions such as "Is there such a thing as just war?", "Can a Christian killing another Christian ever be justified?", and "What is the role of a Christian in the military?" I took lots of notes, but I feel like we barely scratched the surface! I encountered terms like "just war tradition" that I've never even heard before. Definitely gave me lots to mull over...these are things that affect me deeply, as now, because of CAP, I have a lot of good friends going into or planning to join the military. Plus I'm glad I didn't jump into ROTC at the beginning of the year now, because I realize I've never thought through these things clearly.

Being a student at Wheaton is about so much more than sitting in a practice room and slaving over homework and trying to stay awake in classes. Even more than late night debates and conversations over Saga meals. There are simply so many rich resources like these lectures and gatherings that I need to take advantage of. I won't have the opportunity to do this once I leave...

tea-time

A splendor lit through panes of purest glass
Gleams gold upon the worn, old kitchen floor.
Rich beams turn faded rags to cloth of brass
And stream, as though a fog, through open door.
A comfort brought by yeasty, fresh-baked bread
Sleeps quietly in each square inch of space.
The kettle steams and sings with heart and head
Promising tea, for care it will efface.
This is the amber shadow time that veils
The longing to express mere discontent.
This is the misted silvery time that sails
Through frantic minds rendering impotent.
Come, leave your load and rest you for a while–
Nought else but hope remains in heart’s exile.

stuck

Hi, it's me, procrastinating on a paper again. Sorta. I wanted to blog about weekend stuff anyway, so maybe I have an excuse?

I'm halfway into my Facebook fast for Lent. I'm really glad I had daddy change my password, otherwise I know I'd be weak and log on. It's awful, the first few days I gave it up, I almost had minor withdrawal symptoms. I felt mopey and just out of it and would spend time just looking at the FB login page. Yeah, I know, super lame. But doesn't that sound like I was addicted? Yep, it was definitely a good idea to get away from it, if only for 40 days.

Saturday was the Chorale concert. It went quite well, and our audience wasn't as small as I had worried it might be. There were apparently 500+ people at the Glee Club concert last week, but they were in Pierce so the house was packed. Edman, which seats ~2500, would look mostly empty with 500 people. Fortunately they roped off the two side sections and had everyone sitting in the middle so it looked better. :D

We sang quite well, I think. There were some spots where we were still unsure of ourselves, and as always, we could have had more expression and musicality in our singing. Like Dr. H was saying, we had to put on a rich "chocolate" concert, not a bland "vanilla" one. The difference between a women's choir and a men's choir is that men can just put on a tux and everyone will love them, whereas women somehow have to work a lot harder to be as popular. pft. whatever. The motions for No Thank You John went over quite well. I'd been a little "...uh...really?" about them. I thought they were a little lame but the audience seemed to like it, so that was good.

I didn't make any silly mistakes playing for the five Hebrew love songs, so that was good too. Afterwards a guy from my bro floor came up to me and was like, "I didn't know you played the piano until this evening!" Really, cadet, really? LOL I spend my whole day in the conserv...

Then yesterday we had our banquet. It was a splendid evening! Turned out almost better than I could imagine. Do you know, the night before I was subconsciously so worried about it that I had a strange dream about it. Usually the things that show up in my dreams are things that I've been thinking about a lot, whether I know it or not. My dream had something to do with not being able to find a ride, and stormy rain. I have no idea. haha.

I was going to try to get a bit of homework done in between church and getting ready, but I pretty much ended up coming back, napping, and then primping. hehe. such a girl. My hair was what took most of the time. I was wishing for curls, and K kindly offered to do it for me, so she spent an hour on that. But she did an amazing job...I'm really glad with the way it turned out. She has skillzzz :D I wore the red dress I wore for graduation (yay recycling!)

[This darn paper is ruining my life. Not really, but it really sucks to write papers with citations. This is why I am not an English Writing major. Research papers are the bane of my existence. I may or may not make it through the night.

well, I did make it through the night. Stayed up till 3am, and in peer review today C was like "uh...well, I think it doesn't quite answer the prompt..." Shoot me now.

Anyway, to continue the original purpose of the post...

The actual banquet was quite fun, nothing spectacular. We were in the outdoorsy banquet tent of a golf club, similar to biu-goh's wedding reception. Dinner was hearty, good food. We were sitting with K, of course, and Ana and Joy and Manny, who had all brought glee clubbers or concert choir guys. So I felt a bit bad for my and K's dates because neither of them were particularly musical...but A and I had some good conversation. That's why I asked him, you know, because I like talking with him. After dinner we had a slideshow, some fun awards, and the cabinet video, which was a spoof on Ocean's Eleven, because after all, it was casino-themed.

And after that, as at any event where girls get all dolled up, there must needs be oodles of pictures taken! A and A were such good sports to let us and help us take pictures.

Altogether I had a lovely time and this tedious post doesn't do justice to it.

Sometimes I fail at writing. But on with life and school...

randomosity + procrastination

I would like to be able to say that whenever I lack inspiration, I blog and then, ta-da! I'm able to finish my paper or whatever I'm writing, but unfortunately the is not the case. It's usually more like, I'm really stuck so instead of writing something I don't understand I'll write about me.

Whenever I sit and study in a coffeeshop (I'm at Caribou in downtown Wheaton right now), I feel extremely like a college student. I guess partly because I never did this in high school, though I know plenty of people who did. It makes me feel grown-up in general, simply because I'm on my own, spending my own money. Caribou is a really nice place to study. It's a lot more spacious than the Starbucks, for one. I have to say a lot of their drinks are a little too sugary though. Next time I come I'm probably going to get straight up coffee just to see how it is.

Earlier (I've been here since 1:00 pm), I was typing away, minding my own business, when I happened to look up out the window just as a couple high school guys were walking by. They decided it would be funny if they smiled and waved at me. I was really confused at first because I wasn't sure if I actually knew them. It reminded me of that time at BMC when we all waved at the random girl in the restaurant window. I think she gave us the finger or something, and we gave her the peace sign. good times.

Oh, and then the dudes walked into Caribou and waved at me. weird.

We have our Women's Chorale concert tonight. I'm super-excited...going to be accompanying a set of Hebrew Love Songs. Unfortunately it conflicts with J's gig at La Spiaza. I really wish I could be there to support her...but I'm sure she'll do fine without me.

And then tomorrow is banquet, which I'm really looking forward to as well. I hope it will just be a chill time for me and my date, no awkwardness please! But A's a really nice guy and we have lots to talk about (which is why I asked him, haha!) so it should be good.

On Thursday, we were doing rhythmic dictation in Aural Skills, and one of the kids asked Dr. O if he could demonstrate his shorthand method for us. He finally agreed to do it on the board. I volunteered to play for him. It was hilarious...it's so great that he was willing to do that. He actually got the last note wrong haha. His excuse being that he hadn't done this in a while.

Did I ever say here that I lost my flip flops a week or two back? Well, I did, and it's the strangest thing ever because they're my shower flip flops which I never wear out of the dorm. And now they're just nowhere to be found.

in the spirit of full disclosure...

I shall write now about anything and everything, and maybe awkward things.

I walked downtown today, because I wanted to check out the popcorn store (and maybe buy some to send to a certain someone who is currently out of country) that Wheaton is famous for. Apparently it's the narrowest store in the world/country? and it's supposed to be awesome and everything. But. I was less than impressed. The candy was all commonplace stuff you'd find in any supermarket, and the popcorn was...well, I didn't really get in to see the popcorn since there were people in the way. So I'm not dissing their popcorn, but suffice to say it was in paper bags and therefore would not survive a week+ long trip in a box.

I ended up walking all the way to Caribou Coffee (about 15 min from campus) to study. I managed to write most of my poem there, so it was mostly productive. Caribou is definitely a nicer place to study than Starbucks. For one they just have more space. Walking back I also passed another non-chain coffee shop, i.e. not La Spiaza, that I think I'll try next time I go downtown to study (Saturday?)

I was getting sort of annoyed by my oily scalp recently, so I just googled "oily scalp" and found some simple ways that just might help me get it less oily. It's annoying you know, having to wash my hair everyday when it's getting so long.

Care group today was a huge blessing, as usual. We had some together time just sharing and laughing and praying, then we split into guys and girls. It was lovely to spend time with such a wise group of women. We did talk about "girl things", yes, guys, mainly. But in a very God-honoring way of how to wait patiently for them, to respect them. It's just interesting to see the different stages we're at - one married, two sort of going through break-ups, and two who've never had a boyfriend.

Then when we got back, had a long discussion with Zanna that somehow moved into modesty and honoring our brothers in Christ. I don't remember how we got started, but mummies and clowns were in there along the way.

In Asian Lit today, Dr. N showed us a youtube video of the process of dressing up in a kimono. One wears 10+ layers of sumptuous silk, layered to create a beautiful color gradient. Fascinating! I wonder if there's similar stuff online of traditional formal Chinese-wear. But Zanna and I were just wondering how in the world they could go to the bathroom in those things. gee. It must be difficult and awkward. Sometimes I get annoyed just have to unbutton and unbelt and unzip my pants.

Dr. H has asked me to be the primary accompanist for WC next year. I feel like I'm on MG level!

note: I do put abbreviations because I'm writing about a whole bunch of real people, and because the main purpose of this blog is as a personal record. So down the road I'll probably know who I'm talking about if I just put J, but if you don't...sorry!

when I forgot

It's times like just now that make me annoyed. I thought I had relatively little homework to do, but then realized I had a staff report due tonight. Here's to another late night.

Other than that, it's been a splendid Monday. I was happy because it was a lovely day! That always helps. And I ran two miles this morning.

Sitting in Starbucks for the first time this semester. On a whim I decided to join J to study. So far it's been...sort of productive. Read a bit of The Pillow Book but it was getting dull, so I answered some emails and tried to write some of my ballad. But I have to leave soon anyway, since I'm ushering for Artist Series tonight, and I have to get changed and eat dinner and all that mundane stuff.

I've been in a surprisingly good mood for the past two days. I just feel...happy. I haven't much to say except that life is full and mostly good. I still know I need to spend more time with God, though. Which is why underneath my happiness there is a twinge of something, apprehension or expectation, that I'll fall into a slump in a couple days. If I continue to revel in my self-created joy, it will soon be shown for naught.

I've had more time to think and have good conversations these past two weeks, too. Talked to K and learned more about her background over dinner the other day. I'm so excited to be suitemates with her and J next year! And so glad that we've got it figured it out.

I'm almost done with my second journal ever, started when I was 16 years, 10 months, and 24 days old. Yep, that's what I wrote in my first entry. I want to read over everything I wrote before I end it. Maybe tonight or tomorrow. Then I can move onto the beautiful journal Stevie gave me for Christmas. [I love paperblanks!]

Maybe it's because it feels like a season of beginnings that makes me feel so cheerful - springtime (even though it did flurry this morning!), new journals, new-ish class schedule. And also because I ran 2 miles today. Well, I did split into 1.5 and .5...but still.

shootz

I just ripped a big stinkin' hole in my new silver tights. sad day.

beautiful days

It's such a lovely lovely day today, here in Wheaton. It was simply too lovely to waste inside a practice room. Especially after hearing four seniors speak today in Conserv chapel about not being so focused on practicing and fine-tuning your skill to the neglect of everything else.

So I'm sitting outside in one of my favorite parts of campus. I'd thought I'd like a quieter

::edit:: so I didn't get to finish my post yesterday but I can still write in the same vein today, even though it's rainy ::edit::

...place to study, but it's actually perfect.

::edit 2:: I didn't get to finish the post yesterday either, so here I am writing about Monday... ::edit 2::

Or maybe I won't. I'll just...move on with my life. hehe.

So last night we raided our brother floor. The theme was TV, which gave us license to do pretty much anything. The idea was that the different videos would be of anything you could find on TV. So that included sports-themed stuff (ESPN's Not Top Ten), a parody of MTV's Cribs, random music video mash-ups, NCIS-turned-Never Cross 1 South, and of course commercials. I would say we all, combined, spent a total of 20 hours if not more filming around 55 minutes of footage.

It was pretty fun to just think of random funny things to film and to be involved in other people's ideas. for the NC1S spoof, Zanna and I were ninjas who had to kidnap the T7 RA. yeah...running through lower Beamer in all black with a scarf around my face...is not an experience I'll recreate anytime soon.

The part I was most involved in was the commercials, which I did with Zanna. We thought they were pretty funny, but we weren't sure if our "brand" of humor would translate to everyone else. But I got so many comments about how ridiculously awesome they were that I'm very glad. We spoofed Old Spice, Geico, Garnier Fructis, and a made-up Anger Management Pill. So. much. fun.

We had drama right up to the last minute, with the projector not being connectable to the laptops. Silly Apple. Making things that aren't compatible with the rest of the world. I don't know why, but I became techie for that...I, who am notoriously bad at messing up techie things. I think partly because of my bossy personality, so I sort of took over from Zanna (sorry, Zanna!)

Anyway, now that that's over with, I can get on with life and school. I have a B+ in Aural Skills right now, so I better work hard to bring that up to an A.

raids are fun!

So this weekend was composed mostly of preparing for the loud raid...coming up sometime this week (hey, I can't be too specific, even if I'm 99.999% sure none of my Wheaton friends, let alone T7 guys, read this.) Yesterday I spent an hour dressed in all black with a white and black scarf wrapped around my head and face. Talk about sketch. While dressed thus I also kidnapped my brother floor's RA. yeah. Good times were had by all.

I also filmed Suzanna as the Old Spice guy in a onesie, did some Scottish nose-humming, watched 12 girls in a row whippin' their hair, and practiced some epic stage combat.

Yes, good times were had by all indeed. I'm looking forward to the raid...hopefully the guys will enjoy it as much as we are in preparing it.

Oh yes, I also practiced 3+ hours yesterday and played hairdresser to two girls who were going to the spring dance. I know I know, why didn't I go lame-o? Well, because it cost 8$ (I'm cheap) and because it was a girls-ask-guys dance and I didn't have any guy I particularly wanted to ask. yes, I could have gone with a bunch of girls but somehow it just didn't seem worth it. Plus I'm not particular adept at, nor do I enjoy that type of dancing.

I still haven't found my flip flops. This is becoming a problem. First chance I get tomorrow I'm going to go to the Co-op to pick up a pair. I can't go on borrowing Zann's flip flops just to shower.

ILWG has a spring encampment! I have plans for next year mwahaha. I'll probably be a C/Major by then, so I'll apply for an Exec staff position. It's spread over two weekends in April, which would fit quite well. That would be so friggin' epic. In 2007 they had a C/CMSgt as the XO, for goodness' sake. ILWG must be lacking in dots and diamonds.

one track minded

The most bizarre thing has happened. I lost my flip flops.

Now before you go saying that that's a perfectly normal happening, hear me out.

These are flip flops that I only wear inside the dorm to shower and go to the bathroom. So they've gotta be somewhere in my room or in my hall. But they're nowhere to be found.

I traced my course of action up to the last I remember of them. I showered this afternoon after I ran, so I had them as late as 1330. Just as I came into the room in my towel and flip flops, I saw my phone vibrating, and Lt Capiak was calling me. So I answered it, and during the course of the phone call I changed and sat down at my desk to open up documents. Sometime then I must have kicked the flip flops off and changed to my room slippers.

So that's that, plain and simple. I don't recollect wearing them afterwards. So did someone willfully take them?

It's very inconvenient, and I've been puzzling over it the whole evening, since 2230ish, when I discovered their disappearance. I can't shower, for goodness' sake. Well, I can, but not without a feeling of uncleanness of feet. It's so disturbing!

selig sind...

Just got back from Chicago where we performed the Brahms again. This time at Symphony Center, which was an amazing experience. The venue itself is breathtakingly beautiful - ornate, gilded wall carvings, plush velvet seats, soaring balconies and boxes. Compounded with the heritage of it being the home of one of the best orchestras in the world and the many splendid musicians I shared the stage with, it will definitely be one of my favorite memories.

And the way we sang tonight -- I was certainly moved. I don't know about the audience, though I'm pretty sure they were too. I poured my heart into it - pain and sorrow, love and joy.

I get goosebumps every time we sing "Denn alles fleisch" at forte. Something about the text and the music and the volume.

Denn alles Fleisch, es ist wie Gras
und alle Herrlichkeit des Menschen
wie des Grases Blumen.

Now all flesh is as grass and all the glory of man as the flower of grass.

How transient our being is!

tension

I just googled what size shirt a 6ft tall man would wear. I feel like a tool. A sketchy tool.

Actually I don't even know what the vernacular use of "tool" means. I probably shouldn't call myself one. Watch me call myself some dumb putdown.

Hey, don't judge. I was getting some discounted Wheaton swag for my homies in NJ.

It's Brahms week again, so long rehearsals. Standing up rehearsals. My feet were tired and slightly swollen, sure, but what really kills is the tension in my neck. I don't know how it gets there. I was thinking today and remembering that the same tension came when we did the Brahms last time in November, right before Thanksgiving. And how I went home for Thanksgiving and slept and the tension magically melted away. except this time I don't get to go home to lose the tension...please don't tell me I have to go through the whole quad with this pain. G says it's probably a physical manifestation of the intense mental concentration required in singing German in my passaggio and above for three hours.

At least the weather is fine. I can smell spring now. I really hope it won't turn very cold again. See, a Chicago winter really isn't that bad. I get to be home for three weeks of it anyway.

We were writing haiku for Creative Writing, and I thought I'd share.

Twitching, quietly

She stalks with tail erect. Crash!

Goes the Christmas tree.

"too busy living..."

"A poem may be the residue of an inner urgency, one through which the self wishes to register itself, write itself into being, and, finally, to charm another self, the reader, into belief. It may also be something equally elusive - the ghost within every experience that wishes it could be seen or felt, acknowledged as a kind of meaning.

It could be a truth so forgiving that it offers up, a humanness in which we are able to imagine ourselves. A poem is a place where the conditions of beyondness and withinness are made palpable, where to imagine is to feel what it is like to be. It allows us to have the life we are denied because we are too busy living. Even more paradoxically, a poem permits us to live in ourselves as if we were just out of reach of ourselves."

- On Becoming a Poet, by Mark Strand, from The Making of a Poem: A Norton Anthology of Poetic Forms, Strand and Boland

The life we are denied because we are too busy living. That's a thought I've been thinking and expressing to many people recently. Though of course I didn't put it that elegantly.

Life at Wheaton is so fast-paced, so full, that I don't have time to think. I encounter so many fascinating ideas in the classroom, but instead of being able to savor those thoughts, I head straight for the homework, which yields good grades. honestly the homework doesn't take me that much time, but then what time I have left I spend on practicing.

Or perhaps the problem is that I don't have good time management in my thoughts. There's a notion. When my mind is free to think, like when I'm walking to and from class by myself, or when I'm showering, what do I think of?

Thoughts Serfy Thinks When She Has Spare Thoughts
1. When and what will I eat next?

2. What should I wear tomorrow?

3. I wish I weren't walking by myself.

4. My schedule sucks.

5. My friends don't understand how hard music majors have to work.

6. some OPSEC Encampment problem

7. I need to walk faster to get to class on time.

Self-centered? yeah...

I should work on time management in my thoughts. plus, thinking idle thoughts leads to sin.

I don't think about God at all. This needs to change.

MY DAY IS COMPLETE

amazing how one email from a good friend can make my day oh-so-much better. I can't tell you how much I love long emails! thank you, m'dear!

real post to come soon...

silence

I prayed some dangerous prayers today.

"Lord, may I be a witness to ____"

"You know what's good for me. And maybe it's not my best. But I will submit."

But will I? Am I willing to give up what I think is best, for what God knows is best?

I need to look at this problems through new eyes. I know what my idea of a perfect outcome is. That would make life so much easier, I say. It would relieve the burden on me. God, if it turns out otherwise, I won't be happy. I'll be stressed. I'll be upset. Do you hear me?

Yes, my child. But you can't see past July. You will see how I work.

But what if I don't like the way you work? What if it hurts? What if it irritates?

Silence.

God speaks in the silence.

Wait, my child. Wait patiently. I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of captivity into a land of milk and honey. I am sovereign over all, and you are my child, my heir, my beloved. I love you, and I will give you the desires of your heart. Only long after me, and you will be fulfilled.

an open letter to the musicians I accompany

Dear singer/instrumentalist,

Without you, I wouldn't have any hands-on experience accompanying. Without me, you wouldn't be able to perform.

It's a mutually dependent relationship, right? That involves mutual respect. That's right. I respect your time by arriving promptly at your lesson. You respect my time by notifying me that you've changed your lesson time and that I won't be needed that day.

I'm not asking for 24 hour notice. I understand emergencies and changing schedules. I deal with that all the time. But at least have the decency to let me know that your lesson is cancelled so I don't spend half an hour waiting around because half an hour is barely decent time to find a practice room and actually practice.

Oh yeah, while you're at it, you might want to also let your teacher know that you're not showing up.

And hey, there's a reason that Collaborative Piano is now a degree offered at many schools. I'm not your background track and I'm not a pushover. Heck, I'm usually more musical than you. So get over yourself and treat me like a live musician.

Signed,

Frustrated Accompanist

being insignificant

I think I just got the nearest to being slandered that I've ever been. I don't know, I might be blowing this out of proportion, but the person I was talking to is certainly not out there to give me a good name. But this isn't about my reputation. This is about truth, and standing up for it.

Where do we draw the line between turning the other cheek and being meek, and standing up for the truth? Or, the question could be, is what I'm sticking my head out for, truth? So, the truth, that is Truth, is worth standing up for. It's not wrong to stand firm on something that is biblically right. But 1 Peter says, "...but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame." [emphasis mine] So we are to proclaim boldly the Truth, though always with gentleness and respect.

I understand that. But what about when you're not sure what you're standing up for is true? (Does Truth equal Right?) What if it's a position you're required to take that isn't morally wrong or right? And someone's beating you down for that position, but it's a standard you have to enforce.

I'm frustrated. I hate it when people throw a barrage of rhetoric at me, because I'm not good at responding to that, nor am I good at even just thinking on my feet, so that I come across as timid or dumb or a pushover.

I wish this issue was resolved.

let's set these guys up for success!!

...and watch them fail.

That's how I feel sometimes, working with CAP cadets. Give 'em all the tools they need and more, and they still fail to complete the task.

My hair is slowly being pulled out. Like I always tell people, the only reason I got the Honor Officer Award last year was because I thoroughly completed every task I was assigned. When you compare what other people do - half-baked plans and ill-written emails - to what I did, you understand why.

Today was a good day, as far as Saturdays go. Except it's bad that I feel accomplished because I actually practiced more than 3 hours today. That should be the norm, not the exception.

Went to see Arena's production of "Eurydice", by Sarah Ruhl, today. Wow. Not at all what I expected, that's for sure. It's based on the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, and I mean, the basic plot was there, for sure, but the treatment was very interesting. It was bleak and almost confusing, and modern in a way I wasn't used to. It was a superb production, to be sure.

I'm still processing it. I came back after it and just tried to journal about it and ended up sleeping about it. It raised questions in my mind - about self-control, and purpose, and choices. I think my brain was also still thinking about what one of the girls I went with was talking about right before - how she had brought one of her friends, or our mutual friend, to Christ just recently.

My brain was very full after that. Had some drama with staff and drill team and made a bunch of phone calls. Then ushering for Artist Series this evening - Polish Philharmonic. They're quite good, very good, really. As far as I can tell. Played Chopin's 1st Piano concerto, with Mikhail something-or-other. He's a fantastic pianist, I just don't remember his name. Boy, that second movement is really somethin'.

And now I'm still up writing up my staff report for Monday. I should go to sleep so I'm well-rested for church.

something to say

I struggle often with significance. Does what I want to say hold meaning, purpose? Does anyone want to hear what I have to say? Do I even have anything to say?

Dr. Schreck says to "write the story you need to write." (In ENGW213 - Creative Writing.) What have I to say about anything that hasn't been said already? Am I the person who needs to tell my story?

We're moving into poetry after spring break. I need to measure my words even more to make them count.

I'm going to make a list. My favorite characters always made lots of lists so I should too.

Things Serfy Thought About Throughout The Day

1. Writing - how hard it is to start, how hard it is to make the words say what I mean.

2. Thoughts - how thinking is so vital to learning but I don't have time to think significantly. Or rather, I have not trained myself to focus on significant thinking.

3. I need to practice more.

4. Am I an interesting person?

5. I consumed way too much sugar today.

6. Boys. I am being honest here! Who should I invite to the Women's Chorale banquet? Should I invite anyone?

7. Encampment stuff - staff issues, communication issues. Issues!

8. Why am I still up?

Lists are cop-outs! I am not writing anything well, or of worth. I have nothing to say.

heart-thought

These are the golden shadow times that veil our urge to express.

We sit, content to shine.

The whisper, the lure of silence.

We sit, ensnared by time.

A brush, a sense of impotence.

These are the misted purple times that crowd our longing to love.

It always surprises me when I find out I'm FB friends with someone that I didn't think I was friends with.

I rejoice. I rejoice in the Lord that I can see the fruits of a personal, deep relationship with Christ in the life of one of my formerly close friends whom I haven't talked to in the longest time. I rejoice for my friend.

opsec...?

Is it bad that I think of all the things I could say that would get me in trouble? Like venting about OPSEC stuff on FB.

shoot. I hate it when I'm not sure who's on what google group and I end up emailing the wrong people. FAIL of epicness

slowly fading away

I told my dad yesterday that I was handling the workload fine...but I'm not too sure about that. I mean, I'm maintaining my grades in classes, around an A- right now, but I can bring it up with midterms and quizzes and finals. And I'm more focused in my practice time now since I'm only averaging 2.5 hours a day. But my time with God is suffering. Mornings are rushed again, unlike the beginning of the semester. Oh, the sweet, sweet times I spent with my Lord for those first few weeks. Rising early and spending a full half hour in his Word and praying.

In the evening, by the time I get back to my room, it's usually 9 or later, and I've been out since 8:30 in the morning. I take care of encampment business, roll around to do what homework is due the next day, and look, it's 12am already. Time to sleep.

This is not good. I remember the peace I felt throughout staff selection day because I rose 15 minutes early (5am, baby) to calibrate myself to the Lord before plunging into the day. I desperately need that as I learn and make decisions throughout the day.

Another area I'm failing at - relationships. I never was the most sociable person to begin with, and now with this--I feel like I'm always on the phone. Which I probably am...455 minutes last month, not counting free weekends and nights. I don't have time to spend "chilling" or even having meaningful conversations. Or if I do I'm too emotionally and mentally drained to do justice to my friends. I wonder if this is good for me in the long run.

Don't think I'm regretting my decision. I think this post is colored by 1. the fact that it's getting late, 2. I'm hungry but know I'll feel guilty if I eat at this late hour, and 3. we hit a snag in our RST plans today and things aren't going spit-spot.

I can do this. Tomorrow is Friday already. Another weekend of...homework. Writing 2nd short story. Yay.

AHHHHHH

SNOW DAY SNOW DAY SNOW DAY

first time in like...30+ years?? praise the Lord! More time to recuperate and work.

words words words

It's sad that I've lost the compulsion to write. I guess in a way it's a good thing for me, since that means I've lost the need to relieve stress in that way. Or maybe it means that I just don't have time to let myself think about stress and so have to dwell on it and get it out.

Anyway I haven't blogged or even journaled for a while. Maybe a week. I think, maybe because I've talked so much to various people that anything I put down here will feel like a rehashing of my conversations, yet another "person" to tell the same story too. But if I don't write it down in "ink" somewhere, then my words live only in my own memory and in the memories of others. And memory, as we all know, is short-lived. I shan't be able to look back in 20 years and know what I was thinking right now, today, through my memory.

These past few weeks, the start of the semester, have been weird. "Rough", is the word I've been using. Spring semester feels like a continuation of the school year, well, it is, and not nearly as easing into as fall semester. Homework piles up in the first few days, and tests and exams have come and gone already. It's as if...we never left. So on that front I've been a teeny bit overwhelmed.

Then practicing...I've lost a bit of motivation. Or maybe direction. Just not as super excited about my practicing. Or maybe I'm not perfectionist enough. I don't feel challenged by my pieces...but it's not like I'm giving 100% to them yet. So it's not that I'm not challenged, but just too lazy to perfect them.

Then of course there's the added work of Encampment. Let's just say it can be super stressful. I feel like I'm caught in the middle a lot of the times. I'm the primary line of communication between the cadet staff and the command staff, so basically I'm supposed to stay in close contact with 6+ people. And by close contact I mean at least one phone call a week to each of them. I have to learn not to have my opinion swayed so easily and to think and talk on my feet more persuasively.

Cadet staff review boards are coming up this weekend, and though I'm super excited and pumped, I'm also a little nervous. I feel as if I've got something to prove, and in a way I do. I have to prove to the cadet applicants that I will be an effective CC, that I am someone they can look up to. I'm at a disadvantage for several reasons: I'm a girl, I'm not going into the military, I'm not going into aviation, I'm not super physically fit. Advantages might be: I'm smart, I'm older and in college, I'm a girl. Yes, I am aware that I put "girl" in both categories. In an organization that's made up of 90% guys, it can work to my advantage. But sometimes it's also inconvenient.

There, I'm voicing my fears. Someone once told me that if I wrote out my fears on a piece of paper, all of a sudden they might sound a lot less menacing.

I believe that I communicate way better in writing than in speaking. Simply having time to think out what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say makes so much more sense to me. That's why I sound like I have no opinion of my own when I'm on the phone. Because I can't evaluate what the other person is saying and make a judgment right away. Something to do with my ears and learning style. I'm definitely not an auditory learner. If I see words on paper or the screen I can process them so much more efficiently.

But then my problem in writing is that I write unnaturally. Perhaps not now, because I happen to be simply spitting words out lickety-split without even the usual editing I do as I write anything else. But when I sit down and think about dialogue in my short story and try to write it out truthfully, it comes out stilted and archaic. A guy in my writing class commented that the way my characters were talking, he thought they were in the 19th century, so that when I mentioned the sports car, he felt a jarring sense of anachronism.

I'm coming to see that perhaps my gift isn't in writing. That is, I possess the ability to clearly communicate my thoughts in writing, and can use that as needed in whatever area of life, but I don't have the mind of a professional writer, or passionate writer. I don't feel compelled to write stories, and I don't have the vivid imagination of say, my mom even, that enables me to see that which is not, much less to describe it to anyone else in a coherent and engaging manner.

An exercise in free-writing, perhaps? I certainly didn't expect this to flow out so volubly and easily.

weary

I can't get sick I can't get sick I won't get sick I won't get sick

going gaga

So the big news these days at Wheaton, specifically around the conserv, is the Artist Series concert on Saturday night which will feature Mr. Charlie Siem. Mr. Charlie Siem is, ahem, a young violinist from the UK, with good hair and an even better stylist. Oh, he also is somewhat of a violin virtuoso. That's rather important, isn't it? See, the thing is, Wheaton is capitalizing on Mr. Charlie Siem's good looks, as is every other venue he plays at, with countless posters featuring his good looks. Seriously, I've never seen so many posters for an Artist Series concert. You enter the conserv and Charlie's there to greet you. You go to the bathroom and there he is on the door. You walk up to Smaber and there is staring moodily at you from the glass.

I'm not complaining. He is "easy on the eyes." Still, even within the conserv, where there are plenty of people who appreciate classical music, there is an unnatural amount of emphasis on his appearance. It's not even that much, I guess I'm just more aware of it because usually no reference is made to how the performer looks.

Okay, he is rather dreamy. And, real reason for this post, in the spirit of full disclosure: Guess who I just saw and walked past several times in Saga (that's right, our dining hall)?

Yep, Charlie Siem. I went back to my table, where I was sitting with a bunch of 1Southers and T7ers and announced that I had just seen Charlie in our very own Saga, and the girls immediately went gaga- "Omgosh he's so hot" "WHAT?! WHERE?!" LOL it was hilarious. The guys were obviously not feeling awkward at all.

but c'mon, he's one of those people who look even better in real life than on a poster. :D

That said, can we hear the man play. I can't wait for the concert on Saturday.

我是中國人

今天晚上我從McAlister行回到房間時，突然想起用中文寫blog。我不能自己寫出中文字，但是我可以用電腦和互聯網找出正確的字。當然，我搵出來的字或許可能不對，但是可以practice少少.

haha. I am having too much fun. Time to look into the Mac Mandarin input thingy Daddy sent me a loooong time ago. It was just soo cold walking back that I had to think happy thoughts to get my mind off my frostbitten ears and nose, so I started composing a blog post in Chinese. Amazing what copy/paste and the internet can help you do these days.

So, gonna be a crazy busy semester, so busy that I haven't had down time to want to blog yet. I'm gonna be writing so much for Creative Writing, not to mention random essays for other classes, that I probably won't have too much time to blog. Unless I get writer's block again. Which I probably will.

I was looking at my fingers today and realized my pen callus on my third finger is almost gone! A sign that I am using the laptop much more than the pencil? hmm

I discovered yesterday that I actually like running now. As long as I'm not huffing and puffing. The air inside the SRC is more controlled than outside, so my lungs don't get irritated as easily from the pollen and dust and germs outside. But hopefully even running inside will help my lungs get stronger so running outside will be slightly easier.

ahhh encampment. I can do it!

Less than 36 hours back at Wheaton and I already feel the need to blog...oh boy. This is gonna be one long semester. Though one of the sophs just told me spring sem always goes by a lot quicker...I dunno. We'll see.

I have a feeling I'll have to be even less sociable this sem. I sorta expected that but it's annoying. argh. But on the other hand, that will teach me to budget what time I have to chill to be more productive. Scheduling more saga dates is probably a good start...I've got to eat so why not eat with a friend and get to know them on a deeper level at the same time. But then I've always got the awful feeling of multitasking and not putting the person first. Then again that's what everyone does, we're all busy people.

uh. I had a lot to say like 10 minutes ago. But not anymore. haha.

Well, classes start tomorrow. Here weee goooo