jumbled thoughts of a discontent mind

[I like the form of poetry, but I kind of fail at finding poetical ways to put things. I should stick with prose.]

If I could live on a mountaintop, free from the pollution of human bickering and the hum of machinery, my mind would be clear as the fresh piney air.

At least, that is the delusion I cling to. I keep expecting outward changes to make me feel better. A change of scenery, a change of friend groups. College vs home.

But instead, when I'm here, I wish I was there. When I'm doing this, I wish I could be doing that.

I am never content. Lately, I've been even more so.

I've been considering, very seriously, applying for the AFA Class of 2016. I felt slightly pathetic not being able to do ROTC this past year, but I realize now it's one or the other. It's impossible to mix both of my passions at this point. If I stay in the Conserv, there's no way I could do crosstown AFROTC. If I drop out of the Conserv and stay at Wheaton, I could probably juggle AFROTC, but why would I make my parents pay tens of thousands of dollars for a normal education? OH WAIT. AFROTC includes scholarships if I commit. But still...why?

So the way I see it, it's AFA or bust! Or rather, AFA, or piano performance at Wheaton.

But here comes the long list of problems.

First of all, would I even get into the AFA? That's kinda a toss up. All my life I've been humanities/arts, and now to enter a school where the core curric is mostly sciences? I have the high school creds and the SAT scores, but would I die of the academic workload? Athletics/general physical fitness is another area I'm super iffy on. No team sport, no consistent sport at all, and yeah, I kinda fail at running a mile anywhere near 8:00.

Points in my favor - I'd knock the leadership and non-athletic ECs outta the park. Earhart award? Check. Cadet Commander of CAP Encampment? Check. 14 years of piano? Check. Drama and choir for all of high school? Check. Plenty of volunteer service too. Also, I can BS my way out of anything that involves writing.

Yeah, that's lookin' a little scrawny. But. I have heard that the AFA, like any college, looks for diversity, so maybe it'd be kinda cool that I'm a bit...different?

And like my mom said, I could probably handle the academics. I'm smart, just super lazy.

Oh yeah, that's another thing...parents. um, in multiple ways. Yeah, M and D are mostly okay with it. Basically, they're like, if you get in, go for it. I think deep down they're kinda shocked that they've raised a daughter who's so gungho about the military, but they're rollin' with it. They're cool like that. But they have been saying, make sure you're not acting on a whim (I'm not!) and do you really think you can handle it?

It'd be the greatest achievement of my life if I got in, and if I graduated in four years, commissioning as an AF Lieutenant.

But. What about the rest of my life goals? You know, the "marry the best man in the world" part, and the "have 6 kids and homeschool them" part. It's kinda hard to homeschool when you're in the active duty. And I don't want to get married at 35...I wanna have kids early! Except...getting married involves finding a spouse and that part's totally out of my control anyway.

How do you know whether a desire you have comes from God, or from your own wayward heart? Is it only because I'm not in the musically-steeped environment of the Conserv that I've lost my passion to work hard for music?

But, I'm not giving up my musical dreams for a life of ease or anything. No, I'd have to work ten times as hard if I went to the AFA.

But what about the whole "where I am right now is right where God wants me" thing? I was so sure Wheaton was where God wanted me to be, and now, I'm not so sure. I want this other dream so badly, and I reason that it's now or never...why get stuck in a rut at so early an age?

See, I could go to the AFA, serve my time, all the while staying involved with my music stuff. Whereas...the other way round doesn't really work. Get my BM in piano at Wheaton then...what? Enlist in the USAF? Officership all the way, man. Enter the AFA class of 2018? Goodness. That's a little bit too long.

GAHH I wish God would tell me what to do. This is like college decisions all over again.

If I could do my life over...I'd not do ballet, join CAP at 12, get my private pilot's license at 16, get ground team certified at 16, do a sport, do IACE and PJOC, and apply for AFA Class of 2014. THAT'S WHAT ALL OF MY SONS ARE DOING.

food for thought

Whew, I haven't been here in a while. Really, I've been so busy that I've barely had a chance to settle down and write anything. Oh, I've felt the need to, but I just didn't have time.

Just came back from Mennonite dinner. Every Thursday evening, Dr Coolidge and her husband host students from Wheaton, and a guest speaker, serving a hearty home-cooked meal and lots of good conversation. Sometimes the guest is a Wheaton prof, sometimes a chapel speaker that week. Today was my first time, and the speaker was Dr Keith Johnson in the BITH department. He had moderated the "Patriots, Pacifists, and Peacemakers" panel discussion the night before. I had to leave almost right after they started, because I was supposed to play for G's lesson, but I'd already been there long enough to know that I want to go back! This is the sort of thinking and learning I want to do, in an organic, unstructured environment, with no lesson plan or end-of-course goals to fill. This will fit in very well with my schedule next year, so I will definitely make an effort to go.

Speaking of last night's panel - that was one fascinating evening. A panel of four profs, ranging from ultra-pacifist to strong proponent of just war, discussed questions such as "Is there such a thing as just war?", "Can a Christian killing another Christian ever be justified?", and "What is the role of a Christian in the military?" I took lots of notes, but I feel like we barely scratched the surface! I encountered terms like "just war tradition" that I've never even heard before. Definitely gave me lots to mull over...these are things that affect me deeply, as now, because of CAP, I have a lot of good friends going into or planning to join the military. Plus I'm glad I didn't jump into ROTC at the beginning of the year now, because I realize I've never thought through these things clearly.

Being a student at Wheaton is about so much more than sitting in a practice room and slaving over homework and trying to stay awake in classes. Even more than late night debates and conversations over Saga meals. There are simply so many rich resources like these lectures and gatherings that I need to take advantage of. I won't have the opportunity to do this once I leave...

I miss CAP :(

I miss CAP soooo much. like way too much. At this moment I miss CAP more than I miss my family. That feels wrong but I can't help it. AHHH. I miss my people, I miss being in uniform, I miss the strange sense of brotherly camaraderie. I want to go to squadron meetings so badly. Maybe it's time to look into a local squadron. Or I'm going to go join ROTC. Why didn't the ROTC people ever call me back? hmm. Maybe it's a sign. I should really email them. I so miss that feeling of being proud of my uniform and of serving my country that way, no matter how small it actually is. So maybe I just want to join the military because it makes me feel good? Not a particularly good reason. Though as far as I can tell, not a particularly bad reason either.

So why do I want to join the Air Force? People have been asking me and I can't tell them particularly. I'm not sure myself. I don't have any family connections to the US military, I'm not extremely knowledgeable about airplanes, and I'm not totally physically fit. I think the biggest reason is an overwhelming sense of being proud of my country. Okay, fine. Patriotism. I don't even know why. Compared to a lot of countries, yes, the US is an amazing country. Amazingly free and rich. But there's an enormous crapload of evil and corruption all over. Culture, government, even within the military. Joining the Air Force is just going to disillusion me further.

But I still sooo want to be a part of that. Is it because I want to belong there? To identify with that particular group of people? I want to be known as "that Asian girl in uniform"? No...I don't think I would enjoy that. I just really want to serve my country that way, darn it. Am I naive enough to think that being in the military is simply so noble that it will make me feel like a contributing member of society? like an ego boost? Of course not. I know there's an ugly side to everything.

I don't really want to fly planes either, like a lot of the CAP people who want to go into the Air Force. I'm not up on my plane knowledge, and all those controls intimidate me. So what do I want to do? Band Officer? Capt. Maver thinks I should aim higher.

That's another thing. Do I want to do this so much because of subconscious pressure from CAP people? It's not like they make fun of me or anything (well...like one of them did) or tell me I should join ROTC. But everyone in CAP is essentially preparing for a military career, so I sort of stick out like a sore thumb. But that's not even it. I can stand that. I just really want to experience that part of life. Quite a few of the SMs and cadets and even some active duty told me to at least consider it. Am I trusting their advice when they only know one side of me, the CAP side? I mean, I highly respect all these people, but they don't know what's best for me.

And how does this all fit into my current college path? I really don't know if I can do a piano performance degree with AFROTC, especially having to go off campus. That would be major stress. I mean, all my classes right now are pretty much easy peasy, and since I don't have to take any science or math courses, it shouldn't be too tough. I think. The scheduling I can work out.

The other thing is the physical part. I suspect there's something minorly wrong with my lungs since I can run nonstop for 25 minutes on a treadmill but I'm huffing and wheezing after four minutes outside. I should experiment for three weeks and try to build up my endurance. And the whole wrist thing and pushups. If I were to do ROTC I'd want to push myself as much as possible but that might interfere with practicing. must. do. 100. pushup. program. My body I can conquer. I suppose.

Then there's the whole "future" question. As in, what do I want to do with my life? Because if I do ROTC, that's 3 years active duty after college and 7 years in the reserves. Is it worth it to essential sign 10 years of my life away (my prime child-bearing years too xP)? Am I throwing my desire for a family out the window? Is it worth it to sacrifice family for country? Am I just wanting too much?

Sigh. There's so much to think through. I just really don't know.

11 September 2010

I'm keeping this as my online journal for now. I think I'll be keeping it "private" in the sense that I won't go announcing it. If people find it, so be it. Hmm...maybe it's a good way to keep my family up to date...

So, I'm 3 weeks into college life. How do I like it? I really don't know. Like everything else, there are parts I love and parts that aren't so dandy. Like the showers. I miss having clean showers where I don't have to wear flip-flops. I guess that's just a minor detail though. I miss my family lots and lots. And just home life in general. I haven't cried though, because I know it's not for forever, and because I know if I really really needed to I could fly home just like that.

I do love my classes, in general. Even Writing, which I wasn't looking forward to. I mean, it's not easy, but my professor makes it so fresh and stimulating that I actually enjoy class. Speaking of professors, they're one of the best things here. They're knowledgeable, witty, genuinely interested in their students, and all godly people.

Actually right now I'm writing this instead of revising my paper for English. Oops. Well, it's still writing, so it counts...right? Sigh. Procrastination. I was practicing before and decided to take a homework break...which turned into a Facebook break...and then a youtube break...and now a blogging break.

Today marks the ninth anniversary of 9/11. I've been thinking all day about how time has gone by so quickly. Has it really been nine years? A lot of people are asking that question. There are so many children in the world, like all my Primary Choir kids, who have no memory of that day because they weren't born yet. I remember it, quite vividly, even though I myself was only nine years old then. Wow, did it really happen half my lifetime ago?

I remember it was a crisp, bright fall day. We were at 43 Nevsky, in the process of moving house. But the TV was still set up in the family room. Daddy was working at home, and we had started school. I think we were upstairs in the study/guestroom when Daddy called up from downstairs to tell us to come down and look at the news on TV. I don't remember what he said...probably something along the lines of "big accident." Mommy and I and Stephen hurried down. Either we had moved the sofa away already, or we were just so stunned, but somehow we ended up on the ground, staring at the screen. I was on my knees, mouth agape, as we watched shot after shot of the plane crashing into the first tower. It was around 9:30am...not quite sure, but I know it was soon after the first plane hit. We stayed there for a good half hour or more, in shock. Mommy was saying "Oh no, oh no" over and over again, near tears. Daddy had to go back to monitor his work after a while, but I stayed there, not quite understanding what was going on. I knew it was something really bad. The images of the building exploding and crumbling are forever seared in my brain. As are the clips of people, humans, covered in dust and running, running, fleeing down the streets of Manhattan. I lived their terror as they ran into the camera, I was chilled by the images of handbags left on the ground, owners missing perhaps. Two images will always haunt me: that of a severed hand lying by the side of the street, and a story several days later of bodies wrapped up like mummies. They terrified me at the time and still bring chills down my spine whenever I think about it.

The rest of the day was spent in countless prayers and frantic phone calls to friends whom we knew worked in NYC. We heard how Ms. Yolanda was about to cross the Brooklyn Bridge on foot but managed to get on one of the last buses leaving the city. Later in the day, mommy got a call from Mr. Richard's wife. She desperately needed someone to go pick up her husband from the train station. Somehow he had managed to get out on a train but she couldn't go because she had to watch her two young kids.

Surprisingly, I've never been to Ground Zero. My family never decided to visit there, and I don't think I would have been ready to face it until recently. Even though I wasn't hit directly, i.e. I don't think I actually know anyone, or a friend of a friend, who died there, and I wasn't in the city at the time, 9/11 impacted me deeply. It scared me. We were essentially attacked on our own soil. The lives lost were so many. Recovery efforts went on for months, years. I guess it's also because I do live relatively close and I've actually been in NYC. e.g. I didn't feel Katrina as deeply because I'm physically removed from it.

Maybe...that's something that has unconsciously influenced me in my desire to join the military. Even before I heard about CAP I always had this childish dream to join the army. Seriously, I told my mom I was considering that as a career.

That was, in a way, quite cathartic. Now that was a real first draft of mine. I barely stopped in writing that. If only I could do my writing assignments so quickly. I think I might have to do this with all my other childhood scarring experiences. Sounds so sketchy haha.

Well, it's off to homework and dinner I go. I feel strangely restless today...like I want to do something but I don't know what. Visiting another Chinese church tomorrow.