jumbled thoughts of a discontent mind

[I like the form of poetry, but I kind of fail at finding poetical ways to put things. I should stick with prose.]

If I could live on a mountaintop, free from the pollution of human bickering and the hum of machinery, my mind would be clear as the fresh piney air.

At least, that is the delusion I cling to. I keep expecting outward changes to make me feel better. A change of scenery, a change of friend groups. College vs home.

But instead, when I'm here, I wish I was there. When I'm doing this, I wish I could be doing that.

I am never content. Lately, I've been even more so.

I've been considering, very seriously, applying for the AFA Class of 2016. I felt slightly pathetic not being able to do ROTC this past year, but I realize now it's one or the other. It's impossible to mix both of my passions at this point. If I stay in the Conserv, there's no way I could do crosstown AFROTC. If I drop out of the Conserv and stay at Wheaton, I could probably juggle AFROTC, but why would I make my parents pay tens of thousands of dollars for a normal education? OH WAIT. AFROTC includes scholarships if I commit. But still...why?

So the way I see it, it's AFA or bust! Or rather, AFA, or piano performance at Wheaton.

But here comes the long list of problems.

First of all, would I even get into the AFA? That's kinda a toss up. All my life I've been humanities/arts, and now to enter a school where the core curric is mostly sciences? I have the high school creds and the SAT scores, but would I die of the academic workload? Athletics/general physical fitness is another area I'm super iffy on. No team sport, no consistent sport at all, and yeah, I kinda fail at running a mile anywhere near 8:00.

Points in my favor - I'd knock the leadership and non-athletic ECs outta the park. Earhart award? Check. Cadet Commander of CAP Encampment? Check. 14 years of piano? Check. Drama and choir for all of high school? Check. Plenty of volunteer service too. Also, I can BS my way out of anything that involves writing.

Yeah, that's lookin' a little scrawny. But. I have heard that the AFA, like any college, looks for diversity, so maybe it'd be kinda cool that I'm a bit...different?

And like my mom said, I could probably handle the academics. I'm smart, just super lazy.

Oh yeah, that's another thing...parents. um, in multiple ways. Yeah, M and D are mostly okay with it. Basically, they're like, if you get in, go for it. I think deep down they're kinda shocked that they've raised a daughter who's so gungho about the military, but they're rollin' with it. They're cool like that. But they have been saying, make sure you're not acting on a whim (I'm not!) and do you really think you can handle it?

It'd be the greatest achievement of my life if I got in, and if I graduated in four years, commissioning as an AF Lieutenant.

But. What about the rest of my life goals? You know, the "marry the best man in the world" part, and the "have 6 kids and homeschool them" part. It's kinda hard to homeschool when you're in the active duty. And I don't want to get married at 35...I wanna have kids early! Except...getting married involves finding a spouse and that part's totally out of my control anyway.

How do you know whether a desire you have comes from God, or from your own wayward heart? Is it only because I'm not in the musically-steeped environment of the Conserv that I've lost my passion to work hard for music?

But, I'm not giving up my musical dreams for a life of ease or anything. No, I'd have to work ten times as hard if I went to the AFA.

But what about the whole "where I am right now is right where God wants me" thing? I was so sure Wheaton was where God wanted me to be, and now, I'm not so sure. I want this other dream so badly, and I reason that it's now or never...why get stuck in a rut at so early an age?

See, I could go to the AFA, serve my time, all the while staying involved with my music stuff. Whereas...the other way round doesn't really work. Get my BM in piano at Wheaton then...what? Enlist in the USAF? Officership all the way, man. Enter the AFA class of 2018? Goodness. That's a little bit too long.

GAHH I wish God would tell me what to do. This is like college decisions all over again.

If I could do my life over...I'd not do ballet, join CAP at 12, get my private pilot's license at 16, get ground team certified at 16, do a sport, do IACE and PJOC, and apply for AFA Class of 2014. THAT'S WHAT ALL OF MY SONS ARE DOING.

brain dump

I'm having trouble deciding what to write my next paper on. The main theme/topic is travel, but I can't decided what place I want to write about. The easy choice would probably be Shanghai/Hong Kong, since that's what's freshest in my memory and I'm older and can process things better. But I feel almost like that would be a cop-out. And there's not any one instance that really stands out to me. Plus I've been thinking and writing sooo much about Asian-ness since coming here that it's almost sickening. I sound so awful right now but it's almost true.

I'm even more confused now about the whole identity thing. Am I Chinese or American or Chinese American? What do these labels mean? I'm Chinese, heritage-wise. I know that for sure. I am of Chinese descent, I have the yellow-toned olive skin of the Chinese, the black straight hair, the flat nose. So I look different. I speak Cantonese, a language clearly very different from English. I like to eat Chinese food. I miss Chinese food now that I've gone 1.5 months without real Chinese food. But are there some essential qualities that identify me as Chinese? Is it tradition? A way of viewing the world?

This extends to friendships too. Do I relate to Asians, Chinese in particular, better because we share that common racial bond? I used to think so. For example Jo and I got along very well but she didn't quite understand the Asian mindset. What is the Asian mindset? Grades money success? But then I never felt entirely comfortable with, say, church people either. Either they were too hung up on AP classes and SAT scores, or they were immersed in kpop and Taiwanese dramas, or they were so liberal it was nauseating, or they didn't get homeschoolers. So maybe it's not true. Since coming to Wheaton I haven't interacted much with Asians. My suitemate and Zanna, pretty much, a couple upperclassmen in my studio. I didn't join the Asian fellowship and I don't know why. I went to the OMD reception and at first I was happy to see all the culture there but I didn't feel comfortable/entirely welcomed. Oh, they weren't unfriendly, but I just didn't like it. Ugh. I don't know what's up with me.

Am I simply rebelling against that "Asian" label? Because lots of people have been telling me to join Koinonia but I just never did. The first time it was a time issue, and then later it was partly time and partly because I didn't want to.

My conversation with Serena rocked my world though. She totally understood where I was coming from and said she felt much the same way when she was here. Just trying to reconcile the two different parts, and she still doesn't have any answers.

At the same time I don't think of myself as entirely Americanized. Do I want to disassociate from American culture because of the trash that comes with it? Mainly the media and the morals. And yet, I feel an intense patriotism for my country that most Asian Americans don't feel. My patriotism stems from a deep appreciation for the freedom that we have in this country. Not so much the political system or the historical aspect, but a deep desire to preserve and spread the freedom of many things that we have in this country.

I suppose that's why I wanted ROTC so bad. So I could feel like I was contributing to preserving that freedom. But in that way I'd be serving my country, not all of which I agree with. I heard another absolutely different view about war/peace the other day that I had never quite heard though. And from someone I deeply respect too. Basically he's almost a Mennonite and believes in pacifism/non-violence. He believes that God calls us to lead peaceful lives and not fight through the example that Jesus set in the NT. Beyond that, he believes that Christians should not get involved with organized government...I forgot quite what his reasoning for that was. I think it was something along the lines of we are but strangers in this world, travelling through to heaven, so we should not build up earthly things like that. I wonder what he thinks about social justice. LIke the times when the only way to help the poor and hurting is through the government. Should you work with and for them then?

I've had so many questions running through my head lately. Just so many random things have happened and I haven't been quiet enough to process all of them properly.

Like the Dugle family. Even though I never knew them very well, I knew they were a great family and I am extraordinarily saddened by their loss. I know Mrs. Dugle had been struggling with her condition for a while, but still, I can't imagine how hard it is on Schuyler. All I can do is keep praying and praying for him.

Then last night's movie made me think about patriotism all over again. and unfulfilled love. Patriotism because obviously it was a war movie and full of heroes and non-heroes. Heroes who were willing to sacrifice their lives for their country. Unfulfilled love, such aching passion that could not be consummated, and again for country. Could I do that for my country? I almost feel like it would be harder to do that for God. Because I know he's in control and it's essentially his "fault" if I didn't get married.

But the chapel speaker a couple days ago reminded me that God does call certain people to singleness - whether for a lifetime or for a longer period of waiting time. And for many it's hard to be content in that place. I wonder how I will feel if I am 40 and unmarried and childless.

Ah brain dumps. I just spent half an hour writing instead of practicing. And there's still so much to mull over. Was it worth it? I really can't say. Anyway it's dinnertime.

I miss CAP :(

I miss CAP soooo much. like way too much. At this moment I miss CAP more than I miss my family. That feels wrong but I can't help it. AHHH. I miss my people, I miss being in uniform, I miss the strange sense of brotherly camaraderie. I want to go to squadron meetings so badly. Maybe it's time to look into a local squadron. Or I'm going to go join ROTC. Why didn't the ROTC people ever call me back? hmm. Maybe it's a sign. I should really email them. I so miss that feeling of being proud of my uniform and of serving my country that way, no matter how small it actually is. So maybe I just want to join the military because it makes me feel good? Not a particularly good reason. Though as far as I can tell, not a particularly bad reason either.

So why do I want to join the Air Force? People have been asking me and I can't tell them particularly. I'm not sure myself. I don't have any family connections to the US military, I'm not extremely knowledgeable about airplanes, and I'm not totally physically fit. I think the biggest reason is an overwhelming sense of being proud of my country. Okay, fine. Patriotism. I don't even know why. Compared to a lot of countries, yes, the US is an amazing country. Amazingly free and rich. But there's an enormous crapload of evil and corruption all over. Culture, government, even within the military. Joining the Air Force is just going to disillusion me further.

But I still sooo want to be a part of that. Is it because I want to belong there? To identify with that particular group of people? I want to be known as "that Asian girl in uniform"? No...I don't think I would enjoy that. I just really want to serve my country that way, darn it. Am I naive enough to think that being in the military is simply so noble that it will make me feel like a contributing member of society? like an ego boost? Of course not. I know there's an ugly side to everything.

I don't really want to fly planes either, like a lot of the CAP people who want to go into the Air Force. I'm not up on my plane knowledge, and all those controls intimidate me. So what do I want to do? Band Officer? Capt. Maver thinks I should aim higher.

That's another thing. Do I want to do this so much because of subconscious pressure from CAP people? It's not like they make fun of me or anything (well...like one of them did) or tell me I should join ROTC. But everyone in CAP is essentially preparing for a military career, so I sort of stick out like a sore thumb. But that's not even it. I can stand that. I just really want to experience that part of life. Quite a few of the SMs and cadets and even some active duty told me to at least consider it. Am I trusting their advice when they only know one side of me, the CAP side? I mean, I highly respect all these people, but they don't know what's best for me.

And how does this all fit into my current college path? I really don't know if I can do a piano performance degree with AFROTC, especially having to go off campus. That would be major stress. I mean, all my classes right now are pretty much easy peasy, and since I don't have to take any science or math courses, it shouldn't be too tough. I think. The scheduling I can work out.

The other thing is the physical part. I suspect there's something minorly wrong with my lungs since I can run nonstop for 25 minutes on a treadmill but I'm huffing and wheezing after four minutes outside. I should experiment for three weeks and try to build up my endurance. And the whole wrist thing and pushups. If I were to do ROTC I'd want to push myself as much as possible but that might interfere with practicing. must. do. 100. pushup. program. My body I can conquer. I suppose.

Then there's the whole "future" question. As in, what do I want to do with my life? Because if I do ROTC, that's 3 years active duty after college and 7 years in the reserves. Is it worth it to essential sign 10 years of my life away (my prime child-bearing years too xP)? Am I throwing my desire for a family out the window? Is it worth it to sacrifice family for country? Am I just wanting too much?

Sigh. There's so much to think through. I just really don't know.