on missing a friend

I thought of you today as I was walking back from practicing. I looked up in a moment of stillness and saw the glowing moon in a sumptuous everlasting sky. Puffs of deep grey cloud idled nearby. How I would love watching the stars with you. I missed you then. All the way back I thought of you. I passed a guy yakking away on his cell phone, shuffling along in socks and sandals, and I thought, you would never do that. I noticed the deep intrusive hum of the generators powering all the expensive new buildings and remembered a quiet summer evening.

 I think of you often. I catch myself at the oddest moments saying to myself, you would enjoy doing this. Or perhaps, I would enjoy doing this with you. Are those the same? I hope so.

 Perhaps it is a selfish wish, but my heart would be made so glad if you were here with me.

un-friending...

I dreamt two nights ago that I un-friended two groups of people on Facebook. In those two groups were a couple people that I actually wanted to keep as friends.

I woke up and thought I'd really done that, checked Facebook, and realized it was a dream. Then I laughed at myself for being so ridiculously silly and petty.

But just now I was randomly stalking some of my peeps on Facebook, and remembered this one photo I wanted to look up. I remember that it's in my Deputy Commander's "Summer 2011" album, so I go to her page. And lo and behold, I see the little button that says "Add as friend."

Now, before you tell me this is getting trivial, let me just say that this is someone I've developed a good working relationship with, someone I would say I am good real life friends with. I've been on the phone with her more than any of my good girl friends for the past 8 months. We ESPN. We know how the other person works. We've just survived the most stressful 10 days of our lives together. And now we're not even Facebook friends?

I'm not really upset, just plain surprised. Yes, this is trivial, but really, is this an indicator of where our relationship has gone? At the end of encampment, we had an open discussion where we laid out how we thought we two had miscommunicated during the week and how we said some things we probably shouldn't have. But does she hate me?

Before we left she told me she "f---ing hates [my other deputy]." I took that as heated words in the moment and kinda brushed it off. But I checked, and she's unfriended him too.

I guess the question now is, do I care? Well, yes, I am personally offended that she doesn't think I'm even worth keeping on Facebook. And we need to have a good working relationship until at least the AAR...I can't have her hating my guts before we finish this thing up.

But I think back to that night before we had our little "serious talk." I was talking it over with some of my trusted advisors - CAP senior members and AF personnel and such. Lt. J asked about our personal relationship, whether that factored into the equation. And honestly, it didn't. I didn't see myself staying lifelong friends with her. We come from such radically different places, and we've never been able to be completely open with each other.

So no, in the long run, I don't care that she's being petty and leaving me out of her virtual life. I've got plenty of other people to stalk. ;)

And yes, I just wrote a whole blog post, my first in a while, about unfriending people on Facebook. Oh the travails of a 21st century teen. ::cheeky grin::

In the near future I may post about Encampment. I'm still in the process of writing my private account in my journal, and completing my official account in my continuity file, so it might take a while.

broken relationships

I realized today that I have a lot of broken relationships in my life. From childhood friends whom I've pushed away to cousins I never got to know, my life is just filled with them. A lot of the time I could have done more to care, but sometimes I made the move again and again and I got pushed away. Or maybe I'm just too easily discouraged.

I just can't read certain people. I don't know what they think about me, about our relationship. I don't understand those people who talk with me online but don't even look at me when we meet in person. I don't know if I still like my childhood friends. Usually people in church. I grew up with them, essentially, but we've nothing much in common now. Why is it so much harder to belong in church than at college? Shouldn't our common background and belief give us something to talk about and ground our relationship?

So many questions...no answers.

late night essay writing

So unfocused. My brain's all over the place. Thinking about how I didn't get to practice today because my stupid wrists started hurting. How I wasted the afternoon and am therefore trying to finish an essay due in 12 hours. The event Chorale sang at tonight. The yummy desserts. How I played "dinner music" after not having practiced. How I'll fit in practice time tomorrow. Whether I'll go to breakfast. If the talent show is really worth it...I mean, waiting in line for two hours? Of course I already bought my ticket.

Then people issues. Of course. Always. How I've been so awful in keeping up with my friends back home. I don't know what's going on in their lives. Wanting to stay in touch but not having the time to do it. Then all my friends here...living with people can get on my nerves. Some little habits, ways of viewing things. man. Sometimes they just irritate me. Maybe especially now because my hormones are out of whack. whatever.

Which reminds me of chapel this morning. I don't want to be a whatever person. I care. I really do. It's just so hard when I let school get in the way. And school wouldn't be in the way if facebook wasn't in the way.

Must. Focus. On. Task. and go to sleep. -_-

spiritual friendship

Chapel today was on "spiritual friendship." I'm still sorta "meh" about the whole thing because 1. the speaker didn't really say anything I hadn't heard before, 2. it wasn't even a good reminder because she didn't say anything fresh, and 3. she seemed a little too wannabe-hip. But I'm glad I decided not skip after all, since the music was really awesome. It was an improv by two Conserv profs - violin and clarinet. I thought about recording it but didn't end up doing it. Oh well. I really enjoyed it. It's amazing how they could improv on the spot like that, together, without discussion or rehearsal.

Interesting happening of the day - I got to writing class ten minutes early, which is usual for me and is also when the class before mine lets out. Except today the classroom was dark and no students were streaming out. I peeked in and my prof wasn't there either. So I stayed outside and waited for my classmates. No one knew what was up; we checked email and blackboard and Dr. S had sent nothing out. So we sat down and talked about how we could leave after 15 min. if she didn't show up. Around 2:05, another prof walked in and explained that Dr. S was sick and we were to watch a movie about advertisement instead. She started the movie and left the room, at which half the class promptly left. I stayed, half paying attention, half working on my music tech website. Like J said, I certainly got more work done there than if I had been in my room. Oh well. The movie itself wasn't bad, some interesting and weird points about advertising were made.

First BITH seminar today. My preceptor is pretty awesome. He's a pastor and PhD candidate, has a wicked sense of humor, and has red hair. :D I think I'm going to enjoy it.

Went to half an organ recital after that...so amazing! I never knew the organ could have so many levels of intensity and volume and diversity in sound.

Then had to go to a Jukebox cabinet meeting...even though I'm not on cabinet. Apparently the main crew person just quit so we have to take up the slack. Great. Lackadaisical. Oh well. Three more weeks. I can do this.

Work was not a major fail today. :D I've almost got the hang of mailing packages and flats.

Dilemma tomorrow oh noes...JY's senior recital or SGC care group??? JY's senior recital will only happen once...care group is twice a month...but I really want to get to know the people. I think I'll end up going to the recital though.

After researching claret cup for Jukebox, I really want to make/drink some. :D

those crazy days

practicing on a Friday night...never felt so lonesome. There were a lot fewer people today than usual, it seems. My mind was wandering to ten million other places and I just couldn't concentrate. Funny how I always devolve into Chopin concerto when my brain's not functioning.

So what was taking up my brain power, you ask? Well, MWF as usual are always crazy now, what with my insane schedule. And I'd just come from a 2 hr saga date with T. I sure wasn't expecting such a long dinner when he said we needed to catch up. It was surprisingly easy to talk to him though. We talked about how A quad had gone, what B quad looked like, American lit, English majors, good English profs, RCCC peeps. Funny how it wasn't until I got to Wheaton that I actually got to know him. Now I'm almost sad he's a senior...he won't be around next year.

Work went okay today. It was actually rolling along very well until I screwed up with international postage. There's just so much to remember and I always feel a bit dumb because I don't remember how to do things. Cash registers have too many buttons... But I really enjoy getting to see people through the CPO window.

I decided it was dress-up Friday today, so I wore a purple collared shirt, grey skirt, patterned black tights, and my slouchy boots. It felt good to not be sloppy. Not that I usually am. and it helps to get a couple compliments once in a while ;)

Studio finally got around to celebrating Dr. Horn's birthday. We'd been planning to two weeks ago on his actual birthday, but studio kept getting cancelled so it wasn't until today that we got a chance to do it. K made a scrumptious chocolate chip cake and we had apple cider. Too yum! Apparently it's a tradition. Fun fun.

Should really get working on my BE11 app. Hope I'll have time tomorrow. Got a jukebox rehearsal that might take a while, need to practice, probably gonna visit T7 in the evening. Homework should probably be in that equation also...

brain dump

I'm having trouble deciding what to write my next paper on. The main theme/topic is travel, but I can't decided what place I want to write about. The easy choice would probably be Shanghai/Hong Kong, since that's what's freshest in my memory and I'm older and can process things better. But I feel almost like that would be a cop-out. And there's not any one instance that really stands out to me. Plus I've been thinking and writing sooo much about Asian-ness since coming here that it's almost sickening. I sound so awful right now but it's almost true.

I'm even more confused now about the whole identity thing. Am I Chinese or American or Chinese American? What do these labels mean? I'm Chinese, heritage-wise. I know that for sure. I am of Chinese descent, I have the yellow-toned olive skin of the Chinese, the black straight hair, the flat nose. So I look different. I speak Cantonese, a language clearly very different from English. I like to eat Chinese food. I miss Chinese food now that I've gone 1.5 months without real Chinese food. But are there some essential qualities that identify me as Chinese? Is it tradition? A way of viewing the world?

This extends to friendships too. Do I relate to Asians, Chinese in particular, better because we share that common racial bond? I used to think so. For example Jo and I got along very well but she didn't quite understand the Asian mindset. What is the Asian mindset? Grades money success? But then I never felt entirely comfortable with, say, church people either. Either they were too hung up on AP classes and SAT scores, or they were immersed in kpop and Taiwanese dramas, or they were so liberal it was nauseating, or they didn't get homeschoolers. So maybe it's not true. Since coming to Wheaton I haven't interacted much with Asians. My suitemate and Zanna, pretty much, a couple upperclassmen in my studio. I didn't join the Asian fellowship and I don't know why. I went to the OMD reception and at first I was happy to see all the culture there but I didn't feel comfortable/entirely welcomed. Oh, they weren't unfriendly, but I just didn't like it. Ugh. I don't know what's up with me.

Am I simply rebelling against that "Asian" label? Because lots of people have been telling me to join Koinonia but I just never did. The first time it was a time issue, and then later it was partly time and partly because I didn't want to.

My conversation with Serena rocked my world though. She totally understood where I was coming from and said she felt much the same way when she was here. Just trying to reconcile the two different parts, and she still doesn't have any answers.

At the same time I don't think of myself as entirely Americanized. Do I want to disassociate from American culture because of the trash that comes with it? Mainly the media and the morals. And yet, I feel an intense patriotism for my country that most Asian Americans don't feel. My patriotism stems from a deep appreciation for the freedom that we have in this country. Not so much the political system or the historical aspect, but a deep desire to preserve and spread the freedom of many things that we have in this country.

I suppose that's why I wanted ROTC so bad. So I could feel like I was contributing to preserving that freedom. But in that way I'd be serving my country, not all of which I agree with. I heard another absolutely different view about war/peace the other day that I had never quite heard though. And from someone I deeply respect too. Basically he's almost a Mennonite and believes in pacifism/non-violence. He believes that God calls us to lead peaceful lives and not fight through the example that Jesus set in the NT. Beyond that, he believes that Christians should not get involved with organized government...I forgot quite what his reasoning for that was. I think it was something along the lines of we are but strangers in this world, travelling through to heaven, so we should not build up earthly things like that. I wonder what he thinks about social justice. LIke the times when the only way to help the poor and hurting is through the government. Should you work with and for them then?

I've had so many questions running through my head lately. Just so many random things have happened and I haven't been quiet enough to process all of them properly.

Like the Dugle family. Even though I never knew them very well, I knew they were a great family and I am extraordinarily saddened by their loss. I know Mrs. Dugle had been struggling with her condition for a while, but still, I can't imagine how hard it is on Schuyler. All I can do is keep praying and praying for him.

Then last night's movie made me think about patriotism all over again. and unfulfilled love. Patriotism because obviously it was a war movie and full of heroes and non-heroes. Heroes who were willing to sacrifice their lives for their country. Unfulfilled love, such aching passion that could not be consummated, and again for country. Could I do that for my country? I almost feel like it would be harder to do that for God. Because I know he's in control and it's essentially his "fault" if I didn't get married.

But the chapel speaker a couple days ago reminded me that God does call certain people to singleness - whether for a lifetime or for a longer period of waiting time. And for many it's hard to be content in that place. I wonder how I will feel if I am 40 and unmarried and childless.

Ah brain dumps. I just spent half an hour writing instead of practicing. And there's still so much to mull over. Was it worth it? I really can't say. Anyway it's dinnertime.

a good Saturday

It's been a good day. So far. Except for the fact that the reason I'm blogging is because I'm waiting for a practice room. This concert tonight screws up my schedule...normally I practice Saturday evening because there are so fewer people. Okay. Let me just say that people who leave their stuff in a practice room and don't come back for like half an hour are really annoying. I'm gonna go take that room soon.

[continued afterwards]

Anyway, this morning we went apple-picking. It was supposed to be a bro-sis thing but only one guy showed up, not including the RA and our RA's bf. Still, it was a lot of fun just hanging out with the girls and the token boy. Because he's really chill and generally friendly, so it wasn't weird or awkward. The only thing that would have made it better was slightly warmer weather...it was really windy. But the apples were absolutely delish, and I bought half a dozen cider donuts! MMMMYUMMMM

Came back in time for lunch at saga. Then I met Serena for coffee. oh yeah, I didn't tell that story yet.

So yesterday I was practicing in 214 and decided to take a practice break. I walked out of the room and saw this lady who looked like someone I knew. I was almost sure but not 100%, but lately I've been working on acting on my impulses (the good ones...that I sometimes second guess) so I went up to her and said, "Ms. Chin?" She whipped around and had this shocked look on her face. She totally recognized me though. She wasn't sure of my name but she remembered me as Stephen's sister. She told me later that she had sort of thought I looked familiar too but wasn't sure, and that I had a funny look on my face as she walked past me, like I knew her too.

Boy, am I glad I acted on that impulse though. We had a nice long chat over coffee today, and we talked about everything from PGC to Wheaton in general to being Chinese on campus. It was so awesome to talk with someone who understands my struggles with my Asian identity here and isn't just like, "join koinonia and everything will be alright!" It was great. She reminisced a bit about her days, gave me some advice, and talked about some of the changes. It was such an awesome coincidence - well, I won't say coincidence because I know God planned it. But just getting to meet an alumna whom I had known before, however distantly, was great. So I have her contact info now should I ever need her help or advice.

Tonight we had our first orchestra concert. The choirs sang too for two movements of the Brahms. SO COOL. I love singing with the orchestra.

We got back and Zanna and I decided to have a mini food party and talk about our weeks. I really love being roommates with her. We really do get along very well, I think.

There were amazing chocolate truffles for dinner. YUM

This is getting boring and I need to sleep. Goodnight.

what a day...

I thought it would end happy...but I just got news that Schuyler's mom passed away today. My heart breaks for Schuyler and his dad...it must be so hard on them. Lord, I pray, I pray and beg that you will lavish your love on them and fill them with your comfort, the comfort that only you can give. Let them not lose hope and let them cling to your goodness no matter how dark it gets. Lord, please.

homesick

I am missing people so badly right now. What is this? Just suddenly, randomly, my Wheaton friends aren't enough for me. Well, of course they aren't. Each of my friends means something different to me. I love how C.S. Lewis talks about Friendship in The Four Loves - how each of our friends brings out a different facet of us. [I should read that book again.]

I miss Mommy because I want someone to just talk to who's really wise and knows what's going on with me. Because she has so much life experience and she loves every single bit of me.

I miss Daddy because he's my favorite boy in the world (yes, more than Stevie) and because he works so hard because he loves us.

I miss Stevie because he's so goofy and awesome and I really want a great big bear hug right now. And because he understands me so well and he doesn't care when I say silly things and we like to trade pointless insults and crack random jokes.

I miss Christine because she knows me so well too and is so wise and funny. I hope she's doing well in college. must be crazy stressful for her.

I miss all my Jimmy Stewart people, especially Park. He has such a special brand of sarcasm and I miss his Korean-ness and our banter and the way he talks.

I miss Johnny because he's so sweet and always cares about people before himself. I miss just talking about the randomest things with him.

I miss all the senior members at CAP because they all love me and give me such great advice.

I miss drama class people because they're some of the coolest people I know. All so funny and talented. I miss laughing that much and speaking Shakespeare and cracking Shakespeare jokes.

It's weird because I miss CAP people more than church people.

I so cannot wait until break, especially Christmas break, when I'll get to see everyone.