broken relationships

I realized today that I have a lot of broken relationships in my life. From childhood friends whom I've pushed away to cousins I never got to know, my life is just filled with them. A lot of the time I could have done more to care, but sometimes I made the move again and again and I got pushed away. Or maybe I'm just too easily discouraged.

I just can't read certain people. I don't know what they think about me, about our relationship. I don't understand those people who talk with me online but don't even look at me when we meet in person. I don't know if I still like my childhood friends. Usually people in church. I grew up with them, essentially, but we've nothing much in common now. Why is it so much harder to belong in church than at college? Shouldn't our common background and belief give us something to talk about and ground our relationship?

So many questions...no answers.

tying up loose ends

I just submitted my last assignment of the semester w00t! Which means I'm pretty much done done done with school for this year! I'm still hanging around because Zann has two more finals. And I'm working for 4 hours tomorrow and meeting with Dr. Horn so it's not like I'm totally free. But at least I don't have to study for stinkin' finals or write papers anymore.

I'll probably spend the days cleaning my room and packing and moving furniture. Maybe I should go downtown to shop on Thursday...hmm...

I went to care group for the first time in a while tonight. I always find it a very interesting mix of people...a bunch of underclass girls, working guys and a young married couple. We mix so nicely though that no one notices. I feel so comfortable with them already even though I've really only been there three times. It's probably the extreme intentionality with which we fellowship. Except it's not in-your-face intentionality but a very subtle type. We just talk and share and pray for each other. Sometimes we have a lot of fun too. Like today there were lots of goodies because it's Christmas, and we played Favorites for a good hour. And pretty much the best part of the evening- getting to hold the C's little baby, Judah. So precious! I love the smell of clean baby. He fell asleep in my arms and stayed that way for a good half hour. Ahhh I love babies. And I love care group. And I also love sleep so I shall go do that now...

my soul finds rest in God

We had a mini-review of the semester during family time. (Family time is when the whole floor, or whoever decides to show up, gets together and just chills and talks.) At the beginning of the sem, SD had us write letters to future selves to be read at the end of the sem. So we shared a bit about what we had learned, how we had grown.

I realized I'm a very goal-oriented person. Well, I didn't really realize that because I already knew that. But essentially my whole letter was a list of things I hoped to achieve. Actually, it was really discouraging to read the letter at first because I've failed in all but two or three of my goals. I mean, I guess I didn't fail fail, but I'm definitely not the person I want to be.

But then HS shared about how we never will be the person we want to be, but how we shouldn't be satisfied with where we are, but always strive for better. And that's so true. And also something I knew already. But it never helps to be reminded of these things.

But that's the way with so many things. I know them already. Like in piano. I know I should crescendo here, I know sforzandi are interpreted this way in Beethoven vs. Schumann, I know how I should practice productively. But instead of remembering and applying, I practice mindlessly and waste time and energy. And then Dr. Horn has to go over stuff that I already knew because I can't show that I already know them.

Applying what I absorb is so difficult.

Finals week is right around the corner yo. Fortunately I only have one test, but I have two papers and four juries to play for tomorrow. So it's not a walk in the park. And I signed up to work four hours on Wednesday yay.

Juries sucked on Saturday. Well not totally, but they were not enjoyable. I was definitely not in game mode, so my focus was off and I could have played so much better. I'm not so much worried about my grade as about disappointing Dr. Horn. I know I know, it's not about that either but I can't help but feel bad about it.

After that though I decided to go ice skating with my floor and our brother floor. I wasn't going to because it cost money and because I felt like I should work, but after flipflopping ten million times I decided to. Was it worth my time? Not entirely. I had fun, I mean, but I could have had just as much fun staying back and going up to T7. Ah, the choices I make.

Today Zann and I ended up not going to church because it was snowing pretty hard in the morning. Because our church is 40 minutes away we felt like it was a little bit more risky. So we did church in our room instead. Listened to Pastor Tim's sermon from last week (super-win!), sang a hymn, took an offering. Good stuff.

Last night I got an urge to decorate for Christmas, so I finally did. Put up some garlands and bells around the door frame. Today after "church" we made some snowflakes too, which was really fun.

Ugh this whole first sergeant and command chief business is frustrating me to no end. I feel like I'm in the middle being bounced around. I need to have a real opinion on this!

failure

gah has it really been nearly a week since I last posted? -_- Goes to show you how busy I've been. Haven't had time to do anything. nuffin I tell you, nuffin.

Combination of college + cadet commander duties = no time for fun.

Sigh. I'm not complaining, I guess. There just isn't enough time to do everything. First goes socialization, then, let's see, exercise, then sleep, then studying.

I don't even have time to stop and think about all the interesting thoughts I have during the day, much less write them down.

oh hey, I skipped a day...

Because Fridays are usually busy, and yesterday was unusually crammed! First of all I covered another girl's shift at CPO, which does mean more moolah though. So I went straight from BITH to theory (except in between I hightailed it back to Smith because I left my music in my room!), to chapel, where we sang Greening Branch, to work, to Writing class, to studio class, where I played Beethoven, and finally a break. I checked out the Christmas fair in lower beamer, where I got mommy and Stephen presents! Then a quick dinner, back to the dorm to change, and Christmas Fest #1!

Christmas has officially started! Yes yes yes, the campus is all decorated with wreaths and garlands and bows and now SNOW! You bet, it's snowed all day today, there's about 5 inches on the ground. Not too bad. And...it won't go away till April. yay. lol

Today was a chill day...ran and exercised in the morning, yummy brunch with the chai tea Stephen gave me, and a waffle. Did some encampment work, took a nap, did some homework, practiced 2.5 hours. Then I had to call Lt. Kleiman, whom I have sadly neglected. LOL Capt. Maver was like, have you talked to lt. Kleiman? And I had to say, not since review boards...but I'll call him today! So yeah, I realized I pretty much only talk to guys now on the phone, besides mommy.

One of the weirdest things I've experienced since coming to college is the unexpected freedom. Obviously I can't and don't want to go hogwild now that I'm not under my parents' direct influence, but in some ways it's very different from any situation I've ever lived in. The whole "I'll give you a ride to ____" thing is weird, for one. I'm sitting in the car of some random dude (well, he's on my bro floor) who's the same age as me and could be a terrible driver for all I know. Back home I would have never done that. I realized that recently and talked to M and D about it and I've decided to be a little more discerning for things like that. Like today someone mentioned going to Target and I sorta wanted to get some stuff, but it's been snowing so it's probably not the best idea.

But the weirdest thing, for me, especially coming essentially right out of encampment, is guy-girl stuff. It's so strange not to have a rule against a guy and a girl being in the same room alone.

oops, dinnertime! then Christmasfest #2!

it's times like these...

...when I feel disconnected from everyone. I pass by friends on campus and smile and wave. I'm not really happy to see them. I just paste on a grin because I don't want other people to think I'm a jerk. I say hi to the girls on 1S because if I didn't they'd think there was something wrong with me.

I put up a wall so people can't get close. I'm afraid of interference. I don't want their concern. Their meaningless words of fake comfort. "You'll be fine."

Yeah, right. If you took the time to understand my problems you'd see it's not that easy. It's much more complicated than you think.

I know I'm contradicting myself and I know I'm being a hypocrite. But this is why I have this blog. So I write down my frustrations here instead of loading them onto other people.

I realized partly why I'm feeling so weird though. It's that time of month, and I still haven't figured out how to balance being CC and being a college student. Along with all the other hats I wear.

balance. that's a whole 'nother thing. Balance schoolwork and encampment work. Balance exercise and practicing. Balance food intake and expenditure. Balance sleep and socializing.

I took a half hour nap today and it felt good. But now I'm being a bum because I'm still sleepy.

I hate how people just come into the room. No, let me amend that. I hate it when it's inconvenient to me. Yesterday I was writing an email to the C4 and people were chilling in my room talking and I just couldn't concentrate. So I asked them to leave. I felt like a total jerk. I am so not a people person. Whenever I'm just sitting hanging out, my brain is far away thinking about all the work that I should be doing that I'm not.

ennui

What a captivating word. I used to think it was pronounced "ehn-noo-ee". One of those awesome French words that got transferred to the English language. It rather describes how I'm feeling right now. A bit. Perhaps a better way to say it would be divided. I just feel like I'm split up. I don't know if I belong here or back home. I think it's being CC that intensified this feeling. I have so much more keeping me home now that I feel so un-whole when I'm on campus now. I hate this feeling, hate it hate it hate it.

I need to be whole and well. It's like that line Frodo says to Sam at the end of LOTR, something about being whole and well for his family. I wonder if he did return to "whole-ness."

I had a talk about this with JA today and our conclusion is that I need more sleep. :)