my soul finds rest in God

We had a mini-review of the semester during family time. (Family time is when the whole floor, or whoever decides to show up, gets together and just chills and talks.) At the beginning of the sem, SD had us write letters to future selves to be read at the end of the sem. So we shared a bit about what we had learned, how we had grown.

I realized I'm a very goal-oriented person. Well, I didn't really realize that because I already knew that. But essentially my whole letter was a list of things I hoped to achieve. Actually, it was really discouraging to read the letter at first because I've failed in all but two or three of my goals. I mean, I guess I didn't fail fail, but I'm definitely not the person I want to be.

But then HS shared about how we never will be the person we want to be, but how we shouldn't be satisfied with where we are, but always strive for better. And that's so true. And also something I knew already. But it never helps to be reminded of these things.

But that's the way with so many things. I know them already. Like in piano. I know I should crescendo here, I know sforzandi are interpreted this way in Beethoven vs. Schumann, I know how I should practice productively. But instead of remembering and applying, I practice mindlessly and waste time and energy. And then Dr. Horn has to go over stuff that I already knew because I can't show that I already know them.

Applying what I absorb is so difficult.

Finals week is right around the corner yo. Fortunately I only have one test, but I have two papers and four juries to play for tomorrow. So it's not a walk in the park. And I signed up to work four hours on Wednesday yay.

Juries sucked on Saturday. Well not totally, but they were not enjoyable. I was definitely not in game mode, so my focus was off and I could have played so much better. I'm not so much worried about my grade as about disappointing Dr. Horn. I know I know, it's not about that either but I can't help but feel bad about it.

After that though I decided to go ice skating with my floor and our brother floor. I wasn't going to because it cost money and because I felt like I should work, but after flipflopping ten million times I decided to. Was it worth my time? Not entirely. I had fun, I mean, but I could have had just as much fun staying back and going up to T7. Ah, the choices I make.

Today Zann and I ended up not going to church because it was snowing pretty hard in the morning. Because our church is 40 minutes away we felt like it was a little bit more risky. So we did church in our room instead. Listened to Pastor Tim's sermon from last week (super-win!), sang a hymn, took an offering. Good stuff.

Last night I got an urge to decorate for Christmas, so I finally did. Put up some garlands and bells around the door frame. Today after "church" we made some snowflakes too, which was really fun.

Ugh this whole first sergeant and command chief business is frustrating me to no end. I feel like I'm in the middle being bounced around. I need to have a real opinion on this!

HoneyRock reflections - A need to be alone

Not much to say about today, except that Zanna and I went to SGC and got invited over for lunch by a family. Next Sunday, homecooked meal woot woot! So I'll delve into some of the journal reflections [originally handwritten at HR...shocker, I know] on HR. This one was from right after a solitary night-time walk/stargazing session.

The moon creeps high, high above amidst the sparkling stars, stars that blanket the sky. I have never seen so many stars. Not altogether in one sky. And the moon, what a gorgeous moon! Not nearly full, it beams as the sun, a cold, brilliant white sun, casting shadows and illuminating darkness in a way I did not think possible. My path is lit by the moon, except where the tree shadows shield its weak, glaring beams. I can see thousands & thousands of stars and I understand mankind's forever fascination with the heavens. These dots of light filling up that great blue blanket, this web that is the same in Wisconsin and New Jersey. How far it extends & can I almost sense it is round? That one that burns so bright - it rivals the moon, nay, the sun in intensity. If it were the size of the moon how it should hurt my eyes! Why are some so much dimmer? I know it is distance and each star has its place. Are they all content, I wonder. Content with the place God has put them in, content to be less known and seen by humans on earth. They do not care, of course.

I see the black, spindly silhouette of the bare trees extending into my field of vision, highlighting the intense midnight blue of the sky. The bare, spidery limbs that I had not expected - red orange purple leaves belong on their branches so I may admire & photograph them, not in soggy, ugly, sticky piles of horrid brown. The trees, too, shadow & melt. I shiver as I lie there. The wind whistles, hums through the leafless trees. I listen for the sounds, the noise of Wisconsin I can bottle up & open in New Jersey to smell. Nothing. Then, the wind. After, the water. Lapping ever so gently the shore, sparkling and dancing in the moonlight as it did in the sun seven hours ago. Regular & light, it fills me. I try to push out the sounds of laughter & banter that travels from the bonfire 500 yds away. College kids. Be quiet, will you. They shout at the canoe that splashes past - who are you? Their voices fade back as I filter them. Then, faintly - can it be? - a howl. At first I do not believe my ears. Perhaps a siren? Then, again. Do wolves howl at a moon but three quarters pregnant? Wolves, or coyotes? Coyotes? No, wolves. A long wolf, far, far away. At least I hope. I thrill at the sound - me hearing wolves howl at the moon as I lie alone in the still of night.

I walk the path. Can I see without my flashlight? Oh moon, were that thy beams were stronger. I can see, but fear overtakes me & I turn it on, balancing my Styrofoam cup of water. The weak pool of light shows me the shadow that does not exist. What a different light this gives off out here than in a warm room! I stomp back, then tiptoe when I see my roommates asleep. I hunger for more insight & nature & mourn for a hunger for God that did not come. Yet I am in awe.

so I have this addiction....

It's called "eating." It's pretty much true, yeah, because I've gained 4.5 pounds since coming to Wheaton. No joke. It's bad, man. those saga desserts are just so tempting. I really need to build up self control in so many areas, maybe food is a good place to start. Seriously, if I'm not careful I'm going to develop an eating disorder. I almost feel guilty sometimes when I eat too much. Almost being the key word here. And yes, I indulge in mindless eating. My mouth is itching for food but my stomach isn't really hungry. Like what I just did. Had beef jerky, pistachios and cheerios. ok ew that sounds gross. this was after the random cookies and snacks I consumed in various places today. You know what, maybe if I write everything I eat down, I'll eat less. Because when I typed it out like that I realized how much I actually ate and that sort of grossed me out.

Maybe that's my biggest struggle here. ha.

Anyway, today was a good day. Well let's start with last night. I really liked Sovereign Grace Church again, so I decided to check out the "Care Group" they have for young adults. Didn't quite know what to expect, I guess I thought it would be a Bible study type thing. It turned out to be more of a fellowship/sharing time based on a theme, which happened to be Time Management. How timely! haha, ha, ha... anyway. People shared about their struggles with time--using it wisely, temptations to waste time, etc. And then others asked questions to clarify and gave advice as they saw fit. But what pleased me was that a lot of the advice given wasn't just "I think you should..." but backed up by biblical references. Amazing. We also had a prayer time which was really good. Very refreshing. At first I felt a little weird about the whole thing because right now the group is four college girls and four guys who are all recent grads of Wheaton, but it turned out to be a real blessing. I'm definitely sticking with it.

When I got back to campus I went straight to homework, because we had been tipped off that T7 was gonna raid us that night ;) In a way I was a little disappointed that it wasn't a complete surprise, but it was still really awesome because I had no idea what to expect. The guys really put a lot of effort into it. The theme that tied the whole thing together was a little loose/confusing, but the individual stations were really fun. Especially the main terminal set up, complete with sound system and flashing lights and voice warper. Good stuff. Love those T7 guys.

Today was actually a really boring day, come to think of it. Theory was review in preparation for the midterm, Wellness got out early, also because of the midterm. Didn't have English because...wait for it...it's midterm time! So I bummed and I practiced and I debated getting coffee, oh yeah, I worked out. Skipped open recital and practiced instead. Went to ST's recital in the evening. A bummy day. Gah. I need to be less lazy.

A lot of people have told me recently that my smiling face makes them happy. That's one of those things I absolutely don't notice myself. I don't feel like I smile especially much, but apparently I do it a lot. And of course, being me, I proceed to analyze why I smile so much. Is it because I'm always happy? Certainly not. But I have to say a lot of the time my smile is genuine. Am I trying to get a response from people? Or am I trying to please people? Or maybe I'm trying to make myself feel good? I DON'T KNOW. I don't even know why there's a need to analyze this. Actually there is no need.

As you can see, I need to work on my logic.
ok BYE time to finish my homework -_-

busy? pt. 2

After I got back from the awesome shopping trip, loaded down by shopping bags and some fruit and yogurt J's mom had us take home, I headed straight for the practice room since it was already 4:00 by now and I had to usher in the evening. Oh, forgot to mention that we also went to the cutest little boutique, Francesca's Collections, and picked up some gifts for Suzanna. Girl is turning 18 this Thursday!

After dinner, headed straight over to Edman to usher the Artist Series concert, Paragon Ragtime. I'm a fan of ragtime, so I was excited, unlike a lot of people, it seemed. I mean, it can get a bit repetitive after a while, but this conductor was quite engaging and took time between pieces to explain and lead us on the musical "journey" we were taking. The special attraction was a silent film that they played with at the end, slapstick fun stuff with Buster Keaton. Great experience.

Sunday I went to Sovereign Grace Church again. Good sermon and worship. Finally met the "Tim" that people have been asking me if I knew...when I went to LWEC people kept asking me and I was like...there are so many freshmen, idk. But yeah like me he's always been to a Chinese church so wanted to try something new.

Afternoon I went on the SMM trip to Wyndemere. I was half-thinking about not going originally because I'd been out all Saturday and hadn't done any homework yet. But I'm glad I went. Played the Schumann I'd played in studio and messed up a lot, though I've apparently gotten really good at hiding it as one of the juniors complimented me on it. I was freaking out over the memory slip and the numerous finger slips and he was like, "don't be such a piano major!" hehe. but I think I do bring out the character pretty well, which makes people think I'm better than I am. lol. Had a good time talking with some of the residents and getting to know my SMM group more.

Got back to the dorm and half helped Suzanna make apple crisp and half tried to do homework. Sorta got a little bit done...we were making apple crisp to bring to her prof's house for a studio party.

That was pretty interesting. Apparently her prof has two of these gatherings every year at his house. His wife is a really good cook, I must say, lots of soups and chili. People brought dessert and we had ice cream, mmm it was good. After we ate, we started watching Princess Bride. Lots of people who could quote it word for word. I left early though because I wanted to try to get some work done. Ended up not doing much though.

As usual, I can't think of what to write about for my next essay. Always happens. But I have to come up with some sort of proposal by 2:15 today because I'm discussing with my teacher....think think think

emotionally wrecked

LOL because of a movie. Watched Hua Mulan with my floor today...it is legit the saddest movie ever. It's GUT-WRENCHING. I screamed during the uber-suspenseful parts and came thisclose to crying over the sad parts. Velma was all out bawling. Soooo many super sad parts...quite a violent movie too, in some respects. Lots of killing, because it's essentially a war movie with a love story intertwined. I did like how the main couple didn't do anymore than hug though. Yep, hug. Not even a kiss. I so enjoyed listening to the Mandarin and understanding most of it.

Had pizza and mooncake for dinner...good stuff. xD In the afternoon, I essentially studied/facebooked/bummed. Had a spontaneous jamming session with suitemates minus Zann.

Yeah I really didn't do much this Sunday. I did really like the church I attended this morning though. Sovereign Grace Church. One of the seniors in my studio goes there, and of course I've heard quite a bit of Sovereign Grace music, so I decided to check it out. And boy, I think I sensed God calling me there. I'm not entirely sure if it's just a feeling though...I mean, I enjoyed it there. I didn't really talk to any of the people there though. But I'm gonna go back again next week for sure. The sermon was really expository; preaching from the passage instead of using random Bible verses to support a point. And the music was good...musically and lyrically. They meet in a school, which gave it a bit more of a laidback feel. I feel like it was a bit more informal than I'm used to, e.g. the preacher was wearing jeans, but they certainly had a worshipful spirit, which is more important, I suppose. We'll see.

Yay for a new week!

weekend pt. 2

So yesterday I just bummed. I think. I practiced for two hours. Oh wait, went to the farmer's market. Got strawberries! and good coffee! and a yummy scone! And then bro-sis bonfire in the rain. It was okay though. yay s'mores

Today went to First Baptist. I really liked it even though many Wheaton students go there. Worship was amazing and sermon wasn't bad.

After that and saga, I went with some conservies to a nursing home to give a mini-concert and just talk to them. It's gonna be a monthly thing, and I'm excited. I didn't feel like any of my classical stuff was ready, so I decided to play "wo men ai." I'm glad it worked out. I just improvised what I remembered of the intro and played it, different octaves and all that. Good stuff. Met some cool old people - Elizabeth, Clara, Vern, George. Vern said I reminded him of his pseudo-adopted granddaughter who is apparently Chinese. And George...I talked a long time with George lol He's been a Baptist, Presbyterian, Catholic, and Methodist LOL and hates the Lutheran church. Used to be a Navy dentist, during WWII. And then at the end as I was leaving, we had the following conversation (italics are my thoughts):

George: You were very interesting to talk to...

Me: whew, I'm glad I wasn't entirely boring.

George: ...and you're very good-looking...

Me: oooookaayyyy that's like the 5th time some old guy has said that to me...must be the whole exotic Asian thing

George: ....for a....

He stops. If he could look embarrassed, he would have his embarrassed face on.

Me: OH MY GAWSH did he just almost say for a Chinese?

George: well I was going to say for a Chinese girl but then I realized...oh bad me...I shouldn't say that, should I?

Me: Um...no...it's okay...this is so freakin' awkward!!!

Come to think of it, that was highly racist lol. Totally. gosh at the time I was just like, this is crazy and awkward and I don't know why I still like you people. But Vern was a dear, as was an old lady I talked to at the end whose name I forgot. I'm excited about going back.

Letters to Juliet is possibly THE most cheeseball movie EVER. Northanger Abbey is okay, except the ending is a little abrupt.

Tomorrow is Monday...more school...will it never end?

12 September 2010

Another reason I started this blog is because my writing professor encouraged us to write down our thoughts and ideas as soon as they hit us, instead of waiting for a "good" time to sit down and flesh it out. Often when we reach that "good" time, we are in an entirely different mood and what comes out is totally different from our original intent. So since I'm lugging around my laptop a lot of the time now, and writing with pen and paper is slower than I like, I'm going to try this.

I attended the other Chinese church today. (I'm not going to put names so this won't show up in search engines...hopefully.) Compared to home church, the English congregation is tiny. Really sparse. But quite a few people actually came up to welcome me, and then introduce me to other people, so I actually felt like I had some sort of personal connection. And it turns out one of the seniors in my studio goes there too, so that was nice. The pastor is really young...the overall feel is very informal. I sorta felt bad for him because his entire sermon he was holding the mic. But what he said was sound, if not as insightful as Pastor Tim or Pastor Wilson. Dr. Pun found me after service and we lunched together, he prayed for me. Then chatted with some guys for a bit. I had to stay until 1500 because my ride had a meeting, so I wandered around the building, tried to hack into the sanctuary piano which was locked, and finally settled down outside to read Phantastes.

Phantastes is so far unlike any other book I've ever read. It's like a grown-up fairy tale, complete with fairies and goblins and knights and King Arthur. Crazy. Crazy good, that is. Can't wait to get enough time to finish it.

Some of the girls decided to watch The Pursuit of Happyness tonight and I decided foolishly to watch with them...but halfway through I realized I still had work to do and stopped...so I still have some homework to do right now. sigh. Really gotta work on self-control and time management. Off to read an essay for Writing...