jumbled thoughts of a discontent mind

[I like the form of poetry, but I kind of fail at finding poetical ways to put things. I should stick with prose.]

If I could live on a mountaintop, free from the pollution of human bickering and the hum of machinery, my mind would be clear as the fresh piney air.

At least, that is the delusion I cling to. I keep expecting outward changes to make me feel better. A change of scenery, a change of friend groups. College vs home.

But instead, when I'm here, I wish I was there. When I'm doing this, I wish I could be doing that.

I am never content. Lately, I've been even more so.

I've been considering, very seriously, applying for the AFA Class of 2016. I felt slightly pathetic not being able to do ROTC this past year, but I realize now it's one or the other. It's impossible to mix both of my passions at this point. If I stay in the Conserv, there's no way I could do crosstown AFROTC. If I drop out of the Conserv and stay at Wheaton, I could probably juggle AFROTC, but why would I make my parents pay tens of thousands of dollars for a normal education? OH WAIT. AFROTC includes scholarships if I commit. But still...why?

So the way I see it, it's AFA or bust! Or rather, AFA, or piano performance at Wheaton.

But here comes the long list of problems.

First of all, would I even get into the AFA? That's kinda a toss up. All my life I've been humanities/arts, and now to enter a school where the core curric is mostly sciences? I have the high school creds and the SAT scores, but would I die of the academic workload? Athletics/general physical fitness is another area I'm super iffy on. No team sport, no consistent sport at all, and yeah, I kinda fail at running a mile anywhere near 8:00.

Points in my favor - I'd knock the leadership and non-athletic ECs outta the park. Earhart award? Check. Cadet Commander of CAP Encampment? Check. 14 years of piano? Check. Drama and choir for all of high school? Check. Plenty of volunteer service too. Also, I can BS my way out of anything that involves writing.

Yeah, that's lookin' a little scrawny. But. I have heard that the AFA, like any college, looks for diversity, so maybe it'd be kinda cool that I'm a bit...different?

And like my mom said, I could probably handle the academics. I'm smart, just super lazy.

Oh yeah, that's another thing...parents. um, in multiple ways. Yeah, M and D are mostly okay with it. Basically, they're like, if you get in, go for it. I think deep down they're kinda shocked that they've raised a daughter who's so gungho about the military, but they're rollin' with it. They're cool like that. But they have been saying, make sure you're not acting on a whim (I'm not!) and do you really think you can handle it?

It'd be the greatest achievement of my life if I got in, and if I graduated in four years, commissioning as an AF Lieutenant.

But. What about the rest of my life goals? You know, the "marry the best man in the world" part, and the "have 6 kids and homeschool them" part. It's kinda hard to homeschool when you're in the active duty. And I don't want to get married at 35...I wanna have kids early! Except...getting married involves finding a spouse and that part's totally out of my control anyway.

How do you know whether a desire you have comes from God, or from your own wayward heart? Is it only because I'm not in the musically-steeped environment of the Conserv that I've lost my passion to work hard for music?

But, I'm not giving up my musical dreams for a life of ease or anything. No, I'd have to work ten times as hard if I went to the AFA.

But what about the whole "where I am right now is right where God wants me" thing? I was so sure Wheaton was where God wanted me to be, and now, I'm not so sure. I want this other dream so badly, and I reason that it's now or never...why get stuck in a rut at so early an age?

See, I could go to the AFA, serve my time, all the while staying involved with my music stuff. Whereas...the other way round doesn't really work. Get my BM in piano at Wheaton then...what? Enlist in the USAF? Officership all the way, man. Enter the AFA class of 2018? Goodness. That's a little bit too long.

GAHH I wish God would tell me what to do. This is like college decisions all over again.

If I could do my life over...I'd not do ballet, join CAP at 12, get my private pilot's license at 16, get ground team certified at 16, do a sport, do IACE and PJOC, and apply for AFA Class of 2014. THAT'S WHAT ALL OF MY SONS ARE DOING.

let's set these guys up for success!!

...and watch them fail.

That's how I feel sometimes, working with CAP cadets. Give 'em all the tools they need and more, and they still fail to complete the task.

My hair is slowly being pulled out. Like I always tell people, the only reason I got the Honor Officer Award last year was because I thoroughly completed every task I was assigned. When you compare what other people do - half-baked plans and ill-written emails - to what I did, you understand why.

Today was a good day, as far as Saturdays go. Except it's bad that I feel accomplished because I actually practiced more than 3 hours today. That should be the norm, not the exception.

Went to see Arena's production of "Eurydice", by Sarah Ruhl, today. Wow. Not at all what I expected, that's for sure. It's based on the Greek myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, and I mean, the basic plot was there, for sure, but the treatment was very interesting. It was bleak and almost confusing, and modern in a way I wasn't used to. It was a superb production, to be sure.

I'm still processing it. I came back after it and just tried to journal about it and ended up sleeping about it. It raised questions in my mind - about self-control, and purpose, and choices. I think my brain was also still thinking about what one of the girls I went with was talking about right before - how she had brought one of her friends, or our mutual friend, to Christ just recently.

My brain was very full after that. Had some drama with staff and drill team and made a bunch of phone calls. Then ushering for Artist Series this evening - Polish Philharmonic. They're quite good, very good, really. As far as I can tell. Played Chopin's 1st Piano concerto, with Mikhail something-or-other. He's a fantastic pianist, I just don't remember his name. Boy, that second movement is really somethin'.

And now I'm still up writing up my staff report for Monday. I should go to sleep so I'm well-rested for church.

Chopin is like a piece of dark chocolate

Chopin shall always forever be my favorite composer. Passion and virtuosity, depth, brilliance. Too bad he's such a pianistic composer...so other musicians don't appreciate him as much. I thought of my title randomly while practicing yesterday. And put it down in my little notebook so I don't forget it like I do half of my other blog post ideas. But yes, Chopin is like a piece of dark chocolate - always satisfying, hits the spot, good for you, scrumptious, and if you get 70% or more, full of flavorful depth. ;) I should rename my old blog "Chocolate and Chopin" instead of "coffee and clementines."

Why is there always so much guy-girl drama? Well the obvious answer is that God created men and women to be attracted to each other and so whenever the two are in proximity to each other, stuff happens. Sometimes...I almost wish I wasn't attracted to guys. They're so distracting sometimes. Like one little comment from a guy or something he does can throw my mood off for the rest of my day. Okay, that makes it sound extreme. It's not like my mood totally depends on guys, but I am affected by them. I hate it though. I wish I didn't care. Does this mean I'm insecure? That I'm not totally assured of my worth and identity in Christ? I always thought I was a pretty well-grounded person...

Yesterday and today I was feeling sorta weird. In a funky mood. hence the cryptic pointless post last night. I didn't feel like being sociable. In fact I felt like tearing someone to pieces. verbally, that is. It was terrible. Maybe I'm feeling the strain of always being polite and friendly here. I mean, the only person I can be remotely free with is Zanna. And even then, I can't lash out like I do to my family. Not like I should even do that. Are my actions a fake then? Do I not really act as I feel? But I shouldn't give into every impulse like that.

ah. I need time to stop and think. I'm always going going going.

Nelson fever

LOL I just got a missed call from some random number, so I called back and this lady picks up the phone and denies that she called me..."No, I didn't call you, my phone must've called you." okay lady...

So I've been really really super quiet on this blog lately...for the past...4, 5 days? The reason is, of course, that I've been super busy. Like, ridiculously. Last week most evenings 6-11 were taken up by Jukebox rehearsals and performances. This week is Brahms/John Nelson week, so 2 or 3 hour rehearsals everyday. Not nearly as long as Jukebox, so I still have time to practice, but it's extremely taxing on my voice. I can't imagine how all the voice majors do it...practicing voice on top of 3 hr choir rehearsals.

But we're singing with the Orchestra for the Brahms and the Band for the new commissioned work so I guess it's worth it. No, it definitely is worth it. I get goose bumps every time we sing the "Denn allles Fleisch..." part (All flesh is as the grass, etc.). And I've never sung with a band so that's new and exciting. A lot of people seem to not like the Kellogg piece, but I actually really enjoy it. It's a very unique text and there are some almost ethereal parts, despite the big band. I won't say much more than that since Saturday will after all be the world premiere. ;)

And whew, having Maestro Nelson conduct us is an experience in itself. He's simply amazing. One of my friends remarked that he didn't know M. Nelson was such a big deal. This was after the Q&A session we had with him for Wednesdays at 3:15. He has such a beautiful conducting style - precise yet passionate. I think he's going to be my conducting hero. I so so so enjoy it. And to know your conductor is a Christian who believes the text, yet immensely successful in the world. Wow. I'm in awe.

Back to the Q&A session - not only is he a phenomenal conductor & musician, he's also very personable. He answered questions about integrating his faith with his work, how he met his wife, how his time at Wheaton affected him. Then someone asked him to tell us about the pranks he pulled with Dr. Whitaker when they were students here. So he told us some really funny stories. His story about his wife was great too. I asked him if he could tell us about a piece of music that was especially meaningful to him. At first he went off on a tangent about how people in interviews always asked him about his favorite composer or favorite music and how he never could answer those questions because everything is so different and they bring unique aspects to music as a whole. I was afraid he was saying my question was silly and regular. But then he said, "But you're asking me about a piece of music that has special meaning. Well, if I could only conduct one more piece, my last work, it would have to be the St. Matthew Passion." Wowza. To think he would choose that just blows my min. In a good way.

After rehearsal yesterday, Zanna suggested we go up and thank him for the rehearsal. At first I was hesitant because he was busy and I was like...two measly freshmen going to say "hi"? But Zanna convinced me, so we went up and introduced ourselves. Boy, am I glad we did. He asked Suzanna about her heritage and talked about India. He tried out his Chinese on me, ni hao and xie xie. :D It was great. boy oh boy. I am so excited for Saturday right now.

Except have to start working on my paper. Well, Schumann, good friend of Brahms, you shall soon be my good friend as well. Nuthin' can put me down!

I went to the Career Services office today to talk to the Study Abroad lady. Looks like my best bet right now would be to wait until Spring of Junior year, so all my required music theory classes are done with. That way I could even focus on English that sem, taking private lessons on the side, which would give me options. I think I'm looking at the UK (England, Scotland, OR Ireland. Or maybe even Wales...after all I've never been there. Well I've never been to England either.), Italy, or China. We shall see and we shall see.

LESS THAN A WEEK TILL THANKSGIVING WOOT WOOT

Wow, I didn't know the Conserv was so busy at 2300. I mean, I know people do practice that late, but not so many. All the piano practice rooms were filled. And why was I there so late myself, you ask? [or not] Well, Wednesdays are always packed for me, regularly. Add a Jukebox dress rehearsal and you've got a piano performance major who hasn't touched a piano all day. >.< I ended up just leaving because I didn't want to wait around for a piano and only get in 45 minutes of practicing (before they close the building, you know.) Which is why I should go to sleep early, as in now, so I can practice tomorrow morning.

Anyway, the Jukebox play is getting quite enjoyable. They're bringing out the humor much better, lines are smoother, and we've almost worked in transitions. I'll be doing lights and the curtain for the performances. And keeping props in check. And making "wine." :D I feel okay endorsing it and recommending it to people now. I guess I shouldn't have been so hasty in condemning it to failure. There's still a lot to improve on, and like I told Zann, if they had another two weeks to perfect it, it would be a splendid production. As it is now, it's quite passable, especially for an entirely student-run production.

There are some interesting characters in Jukebox. I actually joined Jukebox partly because I wanted to get to know some people outside those I normally interact with. At first I thought it wasn't going to be that way and things were awkward and I was regretting it, but now it's much better. I mean, we're not going to be super good friends or anything, but they're chill people and I have more people to say hi to. heh. Well not just hi. Anyway. I'm rambling again.

This is why my essays are never as good and to-the-point as they can be. One, I have such a hard time developing a good thesis that can support my paper, and two, my flow is terrible.

I'm writing my research paper on Schumann...won't Dr. Horn be happy. :D I just found it fascinating how he combined his musical interests with his literary talent. I'd like to know if he truly enjoyed being a music critic, or if he did it at least partly out of necessity after his hand injury.

At least the draft is due on the 22nd. This week and next are crazy. Starting tomorrow, I have Jukebox performances to run, plus extra choir rehearsals. because MAESTRO NELSON IS HERE....DUN DUN DUN. hehe. Next week is the epic event, so we have three hour rehearsals on three week days. >.< I have to miss the cast party for a rehearsal. mannn... And of course there's all the regular school stuff and work. Not to mention practicing.

But I picked a concerto for next year, which is exciting! Mozart K. 595, one of his most lyrical. Dunno if I have a real chance, esp. against superhuman pianists like RM, but hey, it's gonna be a great experience. Dr. Horn wants me to learn the whole concerto yay!

to continue my poor choices

A loose syllogism:

College students are prone to do stupid things.

Serenity is a college student.

Therefore, Serenity does stupid things.

Shh, I know my logic doesn't hold water. It dun hold nothin', actually. Though I would like to say I was one of few who actually knew what my theory prof was talking about when he went off on a tangent about symbolic logic, all those sideways "U"s and tildas and whatnot. My logic studies have paid off! By allowing me to feel superior! ahem. yes. well.

So what stupid thing did you do, you ask? Well, I went trick-or-treating today. Trick-or-treating itself isn't stupid, per se, but the fact that I'm 18 and a college student and had a load of unfinished homework to do made it stupid. First time yo. I enjoy all the candy I got and hanging out with friends, but still, looking back (3 hours later ha) it was definitely one of the not-so-smart things I've done since coming to college. Hence the staying up and homeworking marathon right now. I just ate a cookie bar and drank some green tea, so I'm not super sleepy yet.

List of Not-So-Smart Things Serfy-the-College-Student Has Done:

1. Get an F in Music Theory on a homework assignment.

2. Unmentionable on this site. Involves a lake at night.

3. Go trick-or-treating instead of homeworking.

Hopefully this list won't get any longer.

I was also thinking that I should list all the performances I've attended so far, and start posting about all the recitals I attend from here on. Those are the things I want to look back on and remember, not the trivial things I did in my spare time.

Off to brainstorm and outline my paper...I've decided to change my topic to a more palatable subject. Hopefully it will work out. I have about 7 hours to make it work.

spiritual friendship

Chapel today was on "spiritual friendship." I'm still sorta "meh" about the whole thing because 1. the speaker didn't really say anything I hadn't heard before, 2. it wasn't even a good reminder because she didn't say anything fresh, and 3. she seemed a little too wannabe-hip. But I'm glad I decided not skip after all, since the music was really awesome. It was an improv by two Conserv profs - violin and clarinet. I thought about recording it but didn't end up doing it. Oh well. I really enjoyed it. It's amazing how they could improv on the spot like that, together, without discussion or rehearsal.

Interesting happening of the day - I got to writing class ten minutes early, which is usual for me and is also when the class before mine lets out. Except today the classroom was dark and no students were streaming out. I peeked in and my prof wasn't there either. So I stayed outside and waited for my classmates. No one knew what was up; we checked email and blackboard and Dr. S had sent nothing out. So we sat down and talked about how we could leave after 15 min. if she didn't show up. Around 2:05, another prof walked in and explained that Dr. S was sick and we were to watch a movie about advertisement instead. She started the movie and left the room, at which half the class promptly left. I stayed, half paying attention, half working on my music tech website. Like J said, I certainly got more work done there than if I had been in my room. Oh well. The movie itself wasn't bad, some interesting and weird points about advertising were made.

First BITH seminar today. My preceptor is pretty awesome. He's a pastor and PhD candidate, has a wicked sense of humor, and has red hair. :D I think I'm going to enjoy it.

Went to half an organ recital after that...so amazing! I never knew the organ could have so many levels of intensity and volume and diversity in sound.

Then had to go to a Jukebox cabinet meeting...even though I'm not on cabinet. Apparently the main crew person just quit so we have to take up the slack. Great. Lackadaisical. Oh well. Three more weeks. I can do this.

Work was not a major fail today. :D I've almost got the hang of mailing packages and flats.

Dilemma tomorrow oh noes...JY's senior recital or SGC care group??? JY's senior recital will only happen once...care group is twice a month...but I really want to get to know the people. I think I'll end up going to the recital though.

After researching claret cup for Jukebox, I really want to make/drink some. :D

high standards or pride?

It's getting a little frustrating to work with J Theater. Except I don't know whether I'm annoyed because I'm simply too snobbish about theater or if they just aren't pursuing excellence. Probably a bit of both. As with many things. I can't help feeling that I could do quite a bit better than the current "director." I finally understand Mommy's frustration at people who simply don't know how to direct. It's one thing to do really well with the language and have a clear idea of the characters, and even to be a good actor yourself, but stage directing is a whole 'nother story. It's amazing how little sense some people have about interest and levels. You can't jolly well sit in one place through five pages of dialogue.

I was talking with Zanna about the whole thing today and she asked me why I didn't speak up more, if it was because I was a freshman. I guess that has a lot to do with it. I don't want to be seen as bossy or pushy or know-it-all. But truth is I have a lot of experience, and I've shadowed professionals so much that I do know what I'm doing. I just can't jump in now and tell people what to do though. I'll just stick it out meekly like I always do. It'll be over in two or three weeks. I'll definitely have to consider carefully about committing for the next show though.

The past few days I've been sort of loopy in my practice sessions. Just finding it really hard to concentrate...my mind is always wandering to so many other places. Sometimes it's empty stuff like planning out outfits to wear (no joke) or thinking about how much food I've consumed. Other times I'm worrying about the homework I need to do. Too often my mind is hundreds of miles away, back in NJ, thinking about my family, about my friends. And most recently I've been thinking about what my friends are doing while I'm slaving away in a practice room. Perhaps people weren't joking when they talk about how you can only have two of the three S's. I know technically if you have really good time management you can have a nice amount of all three. I just need to have the right balance.

Z asked me how my expectations of college measured up with the actual thing. Surprisingly I've never really considered that. I don't quite know what my expectations were...I think I came in balanced enough to know Wheaton wasn't a perfect place so I'm not totally disappointed by how sometimes community isn't totally awesome, or chapel isn't always exciting. I guess my expectations of the actual music parts are quite close to what I've experienced. I cannot stress enough how much I enjoy studying with Dr. Horn. He's definitely my main motivation for practicing more.

I feel like I've been consuming a lot of media at college. but at the same time, I'm writing a lot more than I have in the past year. I'm thinking quite seriously about adding an English minor to my major. I really enjoy it and I'm not half bad at it.

Why do I regret things as soon as I do them? When I know I shouldn't do them in the first place.

This is getting majorly boring...

being intentional

Today in my piano lesson, of all places, I had a conversation about being intentional. Granted, Dr. Horn and I were talking about playing notes and music in general intentionally, with a purpose, but it was just sort of interesting to have that big part of Wheaton community weave into my music too. We talk about having intentional relationships all the time, but I'd never thought about my piano playing being intentional. hmm...there's a connection there somewhere.

Apparently there's like this weird hole thing underneath the tissue holder things in our floor bathroom stalls...so you can essentially see into the other stall...highly awkward.

I also learned that the grammatically correct way to use an ellipsis is with spaces in between . . . like this. so much more complicated.

It's endearing when a guy notices you're wearing a long skirt and compliments you on it. :)

I now realize why my skirt today was at the co-op...the zipper's essentially done for. I've been wearing three safety pins to hold it together. :D oh well it's such a good day to wear a skirt.

busy? pt. 2

After I got back from the awesome shopping trip, loaded down by shopping bags and some fruit and yogurt J's mom had us take home, I headed straight for the practice room since it was already 4:00 by now and I had to usher in the evening. Oh, forgot to mention that we also went to the cutest little boutique, Francesca's Collections, and picked up some gifts for Suzanna. Girl is turning 18 this Thursday!

After dinner, headed straight over to Edman to usher the Artist Series concert, Paragon Ragtime. I'm a fan of ragtime, so I was excited, unlike a lot of people, it seemed. I mean, it can get a bit repetitive after a while, but this conductor was quite engaging and took time between pieces to explain and lead us on the musical "journey" we were taking. The special attraction was a silent film that they played with at the end, slapstick fun stuff with Buster Keaton. Great experience.

Sunday I went to Sovereign Grace Church again. Good sermon and worship. Finally met the "Tim" that people have been asking me if I knew...when I went to LWEC people kept asking me and I was like...there are so many freshmen, idk. But yeah like me he's always been to a Chinese church so wanted to try something new.

Afternoon I went on the SMM trip to Wyndemere. I was half-thinking about not going originally because I'd been out all Saturday and hadn't done any homework yet. But I'm glad I went. Played the Schumann I'd played in studio and messed up a lot, though I've apparently gotten really good at hiding it as one of the juniors complimented me on it. I was freaking out over the memory slip and the numerous finger slips and he was like, "don't be such a piano major!" hehe. but I think I do bring out the character pretty well, which makes people think I'm better than I am. lol. Had a good time talking with some of the residents and getting to know my SMM group more.

Got back to the dorm and half helped Suzanna make apple crisp and half tried to do homework. Sorta got a little bit done...we were making apple crisp to bring to her prof's house for a studio party.

That was pretty interesting. Apparently her prof has two of these gatherings every year at his house. His wife is a really good cook, I must say, lots of soups and chili. People brought dessert and we had ice cream, mmm it was good. After we ate, we started watching Princess Bride. Lots of people who could quote it word for word. I left early though because I wanted to try to get some work done. Ended up not doing much though.

As usual, I can't think of what to write about for my next essay. Always happens. But I have to come up with some sort of proposal by 2:15 today because I'm discussing with my teacher....think think think

Lord Jesus, I love thee

God is so amazing! Just the way he reveals himself to me.

My day started off really crappy. Worst morning so far. Got my theory homework back and what do I see? A big fat F. F for Failure. I was stunned. Yeah, first F I've ever gotten in my life. I was a little dumb through the whole class, you can ask Faith. Just so floored. I don't know what's worse...getting an F because you don't understand the material, or getting an F because you missed half the assignment due to carelessness. Obviously for me it was the latter. I didn't read the directions carefully and forgot to label the intervals. Stupid. Mommy's always right of course..."don't make careless mistakes!"

So I was all upset and posted an angry FB status about it and basically announced it to the world, stupidly, again. There's nothing I can do about it, talked with Dr. Gordon, but he said it was just one homework grade out of like 30 so it shouldn't affect my overall grade tooo much. Still, I better get all A+s and not just A's from now on if I want my overall grade to be an A. Grrr

Throughout the day it was still sorta simmering inside...angry at myself for being so stupid. Tonight there was something called Student Vigil, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. I wasn't in the mood, I thought. But it sounded a bit interesting so I decided to go check it out and maybe stay for half an hour. I ended up staying the whole time - 1.5 hrs. That's how amazing it was. It turned my whole mood upside down.

It's basically a really chill time of music for conservies and non alike. Everyone sits on blankets and pillows on Pierce stage and there's tea and cookies. People came up to play music and we listened and sang along as we liked. Someone played Heart of Worship...brought back good memories for me of learning to play that on the guitar and being able to worship with it...because it's the one song I could play fluently. Becky and Chris did House of God Forever and three other songs. Someone played an arrangement of Come Thou Fount, and Riley played a mvt. of a Haydn sonata. I don't know if it was the music, or just the overall mood, but by the end when it was prayer time I was so ready for it, I really wanted it. I usually struggle with prayer the most...a lot of the time when they're like, ok, split into small groups and pray for 10 minutes I start freaking as to what I'll say when it's my turn. But this time I just focused on God, not me, and said what was in my heart without thinking about how people would take it or respond to it. Overall it was just an amazing time and I feel so blessed that God slapped me upside the head (well...gently) and reminded me that one grade is not the end of the world.

And one guy's testimony really moved me in another way...he had been away from Wheaton for the past two years because his family couldn't afford it so he left after one semester. And it just reminded me how extremely blessed I am to be here. I take it for granted- the community, the fact that M and D can afford it. Of course it is always in the back of my mind that I should do something to relieve the financial burden on Daddy, but it is not near enough that I act on it. I really should get a job though. But even if I can't help out with money, the least I can do is really apply myself in my studies and make it worth it. meaning no more carelessness on easy homework.

In between the F and vigil, there was awkward Wellness class, as usual, short workout, awesome English class. Our next essay is a narrative on travel...I'm so excited! I love narratives!!! So much easier for me. And I love having a "forced" opportunity to write about my travels...I never write coherently about them. Now I just have to decide what to write on...

I met with the director of the play today. I didn't get cast for the play but I expressed interest in stage managing, so I met with Angelo to discuss that. It's gonna be fun, getting involved in theatre again. can't wait! Angelo's a pretty cool guy too...we got to talking about other stuff like siblings and stuff.

Yep so that was pretty much my day...with 3 hours of practice, of course. I hope I don't suck too badly at my lesson tomorrow. Oh yeah we have that photoshoot for Music Tech too...blech.