a very long Saturday

ahh I haven't been posting as often as I did or as I would like. I've had a lot busier schedule in general this quad - not so much free time in between things. The little time I have between classes and choir I try to snatch for practicing. So even when I think of things to write about I don't have time to do it right away and put if off till evening, by which time I'm usually so brain-fried that I can't write well about anything. Oh the dilemmas of life. xD

Anyway, about today - mainly it was just long. It was good but long. also, I should be asleep now. But I'm not, obviously. The fact that I just took the time to say that shows that I'm tired.

Wow, way to go in circles about nothing. I'll just dive right in...

0900-1215: Jukebox rehearsal. Went through Acts I and II laboriously. It was painful. That's all I have to say.

After lunch, got ready for the roulette. A roulette is apparently a Wheaton tradition. Basically, a bunch of girls, usually on the same floor, set up blind dates for their roommates and everyone "goes out" together and does something fun. Yeah, it sounds sorta weird, especially for a place like Wheaton. I thought it was really strange when I first heard about it. But I was told it was chill and just supposed to be a chance to get to know a guy you might not have really known, so I went along with it.

My floor had our roulette at a nearby park. We carved pumpkins, ate food, had a three-legged race, and played games like Signs. So it was good, wholesome fun, for the most part. And it was a lot less awkward than I had been anticipating. In fact, I had a lot of fun. My date was a really sweet freshman from our brother floor (Zanna you picked well :D). I did get to know him a little bit better so I guess it fulfilled its purpose. We beasted at Signs...only got in the center once. xD

After we got back and ate dinner, Zann and I and a couple other girls headed right over to Edman for the Bayanihan National Dance performance. Quite exciting. It reminded me of Chinese performances like that, but there was also a lot of Spanish influence. A really neat blend. Oh yeah, forgot to mention they're a Filipino company.

Then we rushed back to Smith-Traber to catch the tail end of bro sis worship. They were pretty much just chilling by that time, just jamming and singing. Finally got to see P and J's room, which is as epic as I've been told. Wide screen TV + L-shaped couch makes for some pretty crazy configs.

SLEEP

feminism, femininity?

I've chosen to write about American Girl dolls for my next essay on "the consumer gaze." I think I talked about it here already so I won't go into what I'm writing about. What I want to talk about and perhaps rant about is the sources I have to use. We have to use at least two sources, so I spent some time researching in the library and came up with some stuff. There's actually quite a bit out there about AG, how they're marketed, the effect they have had on girls, even stuff like the political ideologies embedded in them. I was a little surprised. But that's all good for my purposes, more sources to quote, right?

Well, the one book I interlibrary-loaned is called "Debutantes and Delinquents" and is basically a collection of essays by women on girlhood, girls, how they're portrayed, what types of media are aimed at them. What annoys me most is the emphasis on how all the depictions of girls are "traditional." Needless to say most of the authors in there are really liberal/progressive and want us to rise up against motherhood and all that good stuff.

I read one line that complained about the dearth of literature for girls, and I was like, really? Are you kidding me??? Because growing up I had no trouble finding plenty of interesting books with female protagonists - Little Women, P&P, Anne of Green Gables, Little House books, Betsy and Tacy. Seriously. When Stephen was looking for good books to read, I couldn't think of much because these were all "girly" books. Then I read a bit more and realised that the author was talking about how all these books still depicted girls "traditionally" and encouraged them to fall into conventional roles - mothers, demure, secondary to men.

[continued on the next day]

So I don't exactly know where I'm going with this. I haven't thought through gender roles and feminism and all that stuff well enough to discuss it intelligently. To be honest, it's always been one of those topics that I just dismiss because I find it too troubling. So maybe this paper will be good for me because it will force me to think more about some of these things.

I pray for discernment.

spiritual friendship

Chapel today was on "spiritual friendship." I'm still sorta "meh" about the whole thing because 1. the speaker didn't really say anything I hadn't heard before, 2. it wasn't even a good reminder because she didn't say anything fresh, and 3. she seemed a little too wannabe-hip. But I'm glad I decided not skip after all, since the music was really awesome. It was an improv by two Conserv profs - violin and clarinet. I thought about recording it but didn't end up doing it. Oh well. I really enjoyed it. It's amazing how they could improv on the spot like that, together, without discussion or rehearsal.

Interesting happening of the day - I got to writing class ten minutes early, which is usual for me and is also when the class before mine lets out. Except today the classroom was dark and no students were streaming out. I peeked in and my prof wasn't there either. So I stayed outside and waited for my classmates. No one knew what was up; we checked email and blackboard and Dr. S had sent nothing out. So we sat down and talked about how we could leave after 15 min. if she didn't show up. Around 2:05, another prof walked in and explained that Dr. S was sick and we were to watch a movie about advertisement instead. She started the movie and left the room, at which half the class promptly left. I stayed, half paying attention, half working on my music tech website. Like J said, I certainly got more work done there than if I had been in my room. Oh well. The movie itself wasn't bad, some interesting and weird points about advertising were made.

First BITH seminar today. My preceptor is pretty awesome. He's a pastor and PhD candidate, has a wicked sense of humor, and has red hair. :D I think I'm going to enjoy it.

Went to half an organ recital after that...so amazing! I never knew the organ could have so many levels of intensity and volume and diversity in sound.

Then had to go to a Jukebox cabinet meeting...even though I'm not on cabinet. Apparently the main crew person just quit so we have to take up the slack. Great. Lackadaisical. Oh well. Three more weeks. I can do this.

Work was not a major fail today. :D I've almost got the hang of mailing packages and flats.

Dilemma tomorrow oh noes...JY's senior recital or SGC care group??? JY's senior recital will only happen once...care group is twice a month...but I really want to get to know the people. I think I'll end up going to the recital though.

After researching claret cup for Jukebox, I really want to make/drink some. :D

HoneyRock reflections - A need to be alone

Not much to say about today, except that Zanna and I went to SGC and got invited over for lunch by a family. Next Sunday, homecooked meal woot woot! So I'll delve into some of the journal reflections [originally handwritten at HR...shocker, I know] on HR. This one was from right after a solitary night-time walk/stargazing session.

The moon creeps high, high above amidst the sparkling stars, stars that blanket the sky. I have never seen so many stars. Not altogether in one sky. And the moon, what a gorgeous moon! Not nearly full, it beams as the sun, a cold, brilliant white sun, casting shadows and illuminating darkness in a way I did not think possible. My path is lit by the moon, except where the tree shadows shield its weak, glaring beams. I can see thousands & thousands of stars and I understand mankind's forever fascination with the heavens. These dots of light filling up that great blue blanket, this web that is the same in Wisconsin and New Jersey. How far it extends & can I almost sense it is round? That one that burns so bright - it rivals the moon, nay, the sun in intensity. If it were the size of the moon how it should hurt my eyes! Why are some so much dimmer? I know it is distance and each star has its place. Are they all content, I wonder. Content with the place God has put them in, content to be less known and seen by humans on earth. They do not care, of course.

I see the black, spindly silhouette of the bare trees extending into my field of vision, highlighting the intense midnight blue of the sky. The bare, spidery limbs that I had not expected - red orange purple leaves belong on their branches so I may admire & photograph them, not in soggy, ugly, sticky piles of horrid brown. The trees, too, shadow & melt. I shiver as I lie there. The wind whistles, hums through the leafless trees. I listen for the sounds, the noise of Wisconsin I can bottle up & open in New Jersey to smell. Nothing. Then, the wind. After, the water. Lapping ever so gently the shore, sparkling and dancing in the moonlight as it did in the sun seven hours ago. Regular & light, it fills me. I try to push out the sounds of laughter & banter that travels from the bonfire 500 yds away. College kids. Be quiet, will you. They shout at the canoe that splashes past - who are you? Their voices fade back as I filter them. Then, faintly - can it be? - a howl. At first I do not believe my ears. Perhaps a siren? Then, again. Do wolves howl at a moon but three quarters pregnant? Wolves, or coyotes? Coyotes? No, wolves. A long wolf, far, far away. At least I hope. I thrill at the sound - me hearing wolves howl at the moon as I lie alone in the still of night.

I walk the path. Can I see without my flashlight? Oh moon, were that thy beams were stronger. I can see, but fear overtakes me & I turn it on, balancing my Styrofoam cup of water. The weak pool of light shows me the shadow that does not exist. What a different light this gives off out here than in a warm room! I stomp back, then tiptoe when I see my roommates asleep. I hunger for more insight & nature & mourn for a hunger for God that did not come. Yet I am in awe.

high standards or pride?

It's getting a little frustrating to work with J Theater. Except I don't know whether I'm annoyed because I'm simply too snobbish about theater or if they just aren't pursuing excellence. Probably a bit of both. As with many things. I can't help feeling that I could do quite a bit better than the current "director." I finally understand Mommy's frustration at people who simply don't know how to direct. It's one thing to do really well with the language and have a clear idea of the characters, and even to be a good actor yourself, but stage directing is a whole 'nother story. It's amazing how little sense some people have about interest and levels. You can't jolly well sit in one place through five pages of dialogue.

I was talking with Zanna about the whole thing today and she asked me why I didn't speak up more, if it was because I was a freshman. I guess that has a lot to do with it. I don't want to be seen as bossy or pushy or know-it-all. But truth is I have a lot of experience, and I've shadowed professionals so much that I do know what I'm doing. I just can't jump in now and tell people what to do though. I'll just stick it out meekly like I always do. It'll be over in two or three weeks. I'll definitely have to consider carefully about committing for the next show though.

The past few days I've been sort of loopy in my practice sessions. Just finding it really hard to concentrate...my mind is always wandering to so many other places. Sometimes it's empty stuff like planning out outfits to wear (no joke) or thinking about how much food I've consumed. Other times I'm worrying about the homework I need to do. Too often my mind is hundreds of miles away, back in NJ, thinking about my family, about my friends. And most recently I've been thinking about what my friends are doing while I'm slaving away in a practice room. Perhaps people weren't joking when they talk about how you can only have two of the three S's. I know technically if you have really good time management you can have a nice amount of all three. I just need to have the right balance.

Z asked me how my expectations of college measured up with the actual thing. Surprisingly I've never really considered that. I don't quite know what my expectations were...I think I came in balanced enough to know Wheaton wasn't a perfect place so I'm not totally disappointed by how sometimes community isn't totally awesome, or chapel isn't always exciting. I guess my expectations of the actual music parts are quite close to what I've experienced. I cannot stress enough how much I enjoy studying with Dr. Horn. He's definitely my main motivation for practicing more.

I feel like I've been consuming a lot of media at college. but at the same time, I'm writing a lot more than I have in the past year. I'm thinking quite seriously about adding an English minor to my major. I really enjoy it and I'm not half bad at it.

Why do I regret things as soon as I do them? When I know I shouldn't do them in the first place.

This is getting majorly boring...

those crazy days

practicing on a Friday night...never felt so lonesome. There were a lot fewer people today than usual, it seems. My mind was wandering to ten million other places and I just couldn't concentrate. Funny how I always devolve into Chopin concerto when my brain's not functioning.

So what was taking up my brain power, you ask? Well, MWF as usual are always crazy now, what with my insane schedule. And I'd just come from a 2 hr saga date with T. I sure wasn't expecting such a long dinner when he said we needed to catch up. It was surprisingly easy to talk to him though. We talked about how A quad had gone, what B quad looked like, American lit, English majors, good English profs, RCCC peeps. Funny how it wasn't until I got to Wheaton that I actually got to know him. Now I'm almost sad he's a senior...he won't be around next year.

Work went okay today. It was actually rolling along very well until I screwed up with international postage. There's just so much to remember and I always feel a bit dumb because I don't remember how to do things. Cash registers have too many buttons... But I really enjoy getting to see people through the CPO window.

I decided it was dress-up Friday today, so I wore a purple collared shirt, grey skirt, patterned black tights, and my slouchy boots. It felt good to not be sloppy. Not that I usually am. and it helps to get a couple compliments once in a while ;)

Studio finally got around to celebrating Dr. Horn's birthday. We'd been planning to two weeks ago on his actual birthday, but studio kept getting cancelled so it wasn't until today that we got a chance to do it. K made a scrumptious chocolate chip cake and we had apple cider. Too yum! Apparently it's a tradition. Fun fun.

Should really get working on my BE11 app. Hope I'll have time tomorrow. Got a jukebox rehearsal that might take a while, need to practice, probably gonna visit T7 in the evening. Homework should probably be in that equation also...

consumerism

I'm supposed to write an essay on "the consumer gaze"- how people view items and brands, how advertising encourages us to purchase, how advertising pulls the wool over our eyes and fools us into thinking we need a certain item, etc etc etc. But instead of writing I find myself on landsend.com simply itching to buy stuff. argh. My self-control has been in a very poor state. In regards to clothes, in regards to food. I've acquired so many items of clothing since coming to college. granted, half of them are from the co-op, so I didn't actually spend money for them. But I really don't need them. I need to control myself. I think I got a job partly out of guilt for spending that money on clothes. I was able to stop myself this time by thinking about how much I already have and what I could do for other people with the money I was about to spend.

And of course food we've already discussed. I think. Oh food. How much joy I derive from the taste sensations, yet how awful I feel when I eat too much dessert (like the brownies I had with lunch today) or look in the mirror and see my tummy bulge. oy vey. Who knew the freshmen 15 was really an issue. No, I haven't gained fifteen pounds...yet. I went running for 1/2 an hour today. It's just so hard to fit it in with my schedule...Wednesdays I'm going from 0800-2100, essentially.

Eat salad eat salad eat salad. No new clothes no new clothes no new clothes. I can do this I can do this I can do this.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I also need to get back into the habit of Scripture memory. Lord, help me.

and so it continues

I have returned! I forgot to blog before I left for HoneyRock for fall break, hence the silence. I just wrote an uber-long email to family about it so I don't feel like recapping it here. But I'll probably be posting journal entires I wrote while I was there, so hold on to that thought.

Right now is a perfect example of not seizing the moment (and throttling it...jkjk). I had quite a few splendiferous topics I wanted to write about throughout the day but I've forgotten them all now because I didn't write it down. Wait. I wrote a note to myself to blog about pathos, logos, and ethos. We talked about that today in writing. Except right now my brain is too fried to think about that properly. See what I mean?

Wednesdays are crazy right now. Three classes, Conserv recital, choir, and now work. I got a job at CPO! It's a bit more complicated than I expected but NUTHIN' I CAN'T HANDLE! :D Except it means I'm going nonstop from 0800-1800. Plus practice after that, which essentially means I go from 0800-2130. TIME TO SLEEP.

::edit::

Ah, I remember one more thing I wanted to blog about. A friend linked to this post about how men should respect women. I read it even though it's intended for guys to read, and I'm so glad I did. It was a very timely reminder of what I should be looking for in a guy- not to compromise because my "pool" of eligible guys sometimes seems so weak, but to hold out for that guy who will be the spiritual and physical leader of the household. And not to want a man when I clearly am not ready for marriage and therefore have no right to be toying with that type of relationship.

three by Amy Carmichael

We've been singing three beautiful texts by Amy Carmichael in Women's Chorale. I'm touched every time I sing them and wanted to share. This is a woman who gave up many dreams, albeit conventional ones, gave up comfort, to serve needy women in India. She suffered physically from disease, yet remained with her girls. She never married (who knows if she had the gift of celibacy?) and yet was content with her place in life. Would that I could aspire to be more like her. Meditate.

Rock of My Heart

Rock of my heart and my Fortress Tow'r,
Dear are Thy thoughts to me.
Like the unfolding of leaf or flow'r,
Opening silently.

And on the edge of these Thy ways,
Standing in awe as heretofore,
Thee do I worship,
Thee do I praise,
And adore.

Rock of my heart and my Fortress Tow'r,
Dear is Thy love to me.
Search I the world for a word of pow'r,
Find it at Calvary.

O deeps of love that rise and flow
Round about me and all things mine,
Love of all loves,
In Thee I know,
Love Divine.


Love's Eternal Wonder

Lord, beloved, I would ponder
Breadth and length and depth and height
Of Thy love's eternal wonder,
All embracing, infinite

Never, never have I brought Thee
Gold and frankincense and myrrh,
In the hands that groping, sought Thee
Precious treasures never were

What was that to Thee?
The measure of Thy love was Calvary.
Stooping low, Love found a treasure
In the least of things that be.

O the Passion of Thy loving,
O the Flame of Thy desire,
Melt my heart with Thy great loving,
Set me all aglow, afire.


Before the Winds That Blow Do Cease

Before the winds that blow do cease,
Teach me to dwell within thy calm;
Before the pain has passed in peace,
Give me, my God, to sing a psalm.
Let me not lose the chance to prove the fulness of enabling love.

O Love of God, do this for me
Maintain a constant victory

Before I leave the desert land for meadows of immortal flow'rs,
Lead me where streams at Thy command flow by the borders of the hours,
That when the thirsty come,
I may show them the fountains in the way.

O Love of God, do this for me
Maintain a constant victory.
Amen.

so I have this addiction....

It's called "eating." It's pretty much true, yeah, because I've gained 4.5 pounds since coming to Wheaton. No joke. It's bad, man. those saga desserts are just so tempting. I really need to build up self control in so many areas, maybe food is a good place to start. Seriously, if I'm not careful I'm going to develop an eating disorder. I almost feel guilty sometimes when I eat too much. Almost being the key word here. And yes, I indulge in mindless eating. My mouth is itching for food but my stomach isn't really hungry. Like what I just did. Had beef jerky, pistachios and cheerios. ok ew that sounds gross. this was after the random cookies and snacks I consumed in various places today. You know what, maybe if I write everything I eat down, I'll eat less. Because when I typed it out like that I realized how much I actually ate and that sort of grossed me out.

Maybe that's my biggest struggle here. ha.

Anyway, today was a good day. Well let's start with last night. I really liked Sovereign Grace Church again, so I decided to check out the "Care Group" they have for young adults. Didn't quite know what to expect, I guess I thought it would be a Bible study type thing. It turned out to be more of a fellowship/sharing time based on a theme, which happened to be Time Management. How timely! haha, ha, ha... anyway. People shared about their struggles with time--using it wisely, temptations to waste time, etc. And then others asked questions to clarify and gave advice as they saw fit. But what pleased me was that a lot of the advice given wasn't just "I think you should..." but backed up by biblical references. Amazing. We also had a prayer time which was really good. Very refreshing. At first I felt a little weird about the whole thing because right now the group is four college girls and four guys who are all recent grads of Wheaton, but it turned out to be a real blessing. I'm definitely sticking with it.

When I got back to campus I went straight to homework, because we had been tipped off that T7 was gonna raid us that night ;) In a way I was a little disappointed that it wasn't a complete surprise, but it was still really awesome because I had no idea what to expect. The guys really put a lot of effort into it. The theme that tied the whole thing together was a little loose/confusing, but the individual stations were really fun. Especially the main terminal set up, complete with sound system and flashing lights and voice warper. Good stuff. Love those T7 guys.

Today was actually a really boring day, come to think of it. Theory was review in preparation for the midterm, Wellness got out early, also because of the midterm. Didn't have English because...wait for it...it's midterm time! So I bummed and I practiced and I debated getting coffee, oh yeah, I worked out. Skipped open recital and practiced instead. Went to ST's recital in the evening. A bummy day. Gah. I need to be less lazy.

A lot of people have told me recently that my smiling face makes them happy. That's one of those things I absolutely don't notice myself. I don't feel like I smile especially much, but apparently I do it a lot. And of course, being me, I proceed to analyze why I smile so much. Is it because I'm always happy? Certainly not. But I have to say a lot of the time my smile is genuine. Am I trying to get a response from people? Or am I trying to please people? Or maybe I'm trying to make myself feel good? I DON'T KNOW. I don't even know why there's a need to analyze this. Actually there is no need.

As you can see, I need to work on my logic.
ok BYE time to finish my homework -_-

being intentional

Today in my piano lesson, of all places, I had a conversation about being intentional. Granted, Dr. Horn and I were talking about playing notes and music in general intentionally, with a purpose, but it was just sort of interesting to have that big part of Wheaton community weave into my music too. We talk about having intentional relationships all the time, but I'd never thought about my piano playing being intentional. hmm...there's a connection there somewhere.

Apparently there's like this weird hole thing underneath the tissue holder things in our floor bathroom stalls...so you can essentially see into the other stall...highly awkward.

I also learned that the grammatically correct way to use an ellipsis is with spaces in between . . . like this. so much more complicated.

It's endearing when a guy notices you're wearing a long skirt and compliments you on it. :)

I now realize why my skirt today was at the co-op...the zipper's essentially done for. I've been wearing three safety pins to hold it together. :D oh well it's such a good day to wear a skirt.

writing

Writing. I used to have a love-hate relationship with it, for sure. Memories of crying over one paragraph book reports that took me 3 hours and staying up till 2am to finish CWG assignments. But at the same time there was the quest for the perfect word to fit in that spot, to put words down in a way that would speak to the reader. Of course that's only when I cared. Sometimes I was content to just let mediocre language appear in Times New Roman, usually when it was past 1am. And I didn't feel a need to try harder, because I still got high marks on my work. Bad habit, I know.

I have to say in general it's still the same way right now. I write better when I leave myself more time. I still get a good grade when I churn out the four page essay the night before. But now I enjoy it more. I enjoy the outcome of a paper I'm content with and know I put effort into. I even almost enjoy the process of producing the paper. Almost. And I still get good grades on them. I had a one-on-one conference with my writing prof today and she was surprised I wasn't planning to be an English major because I was a good writer. Well, it's definitely good to know my writing is worth something. I was planning to register for another writing class next sem anyway because it turned out to be much funner than I expected. And it's a good break from mooozik.

Jukebox rehearsal tonight, let's see how it goes.

busy? pt. 2

After I got back from the awesome shopping trip, loaded down by shopping bags and some fruit and yogurt J's mom had us take home, I headed straight for the practice room since it was already 4:00 by now and I had to usher in the evening. Oh, forgot to mention that we also went to the cutest little boutique, Francesca's Collections, and picked up some gifts for Suzanna. Girl is turning 18 this Thursday!

After dinner, headed straight over to Edman to usher the Artist Series concert, Paragon Ragtime. I'm a fan of ragtime, so I was excited, unlike a lot of people, it seemed. I mean, it can get a bit repetitive after a while, but this conductor was quite engaging and took time between pieces to explain and lead us on the musical "journey" we were taking. The special attraction was a silent film that they played with at the end, slapstick fun stuff with Buster Keaton. Great experience.

Sunday I went to Sovereign Grace Church again. Good sermon and worship. Finally met the "Tim" that people have been asking me if I knew...when I went to LWEC people kept asking me and I was like...there are so many freshmen, idk. But yeah like me he's always been to a Chinese church so wanted to try something new.

Afternoon I went on the SMM trip to Wyndemere. I was half-thinking about not going originally because I'd been out all Saturday and hadn't done any homework yet. But I'm glad I went. Played the Schumann I'd played in studio and messed up a lot, though I've apparently gotten really good at hiding it as one of the juniors complimented me on it. I was freaking out over the memory slip and the numerous finger slips and he was like, "don't be such a piano major!" hehe. but I think I do bring out the character pretty well, which makes people think I'm better than I am. lol. Had a good time talking with some of the residents and getting to know my SMM group more.

Got back to the dorm and half helped Suzanna make apple crisp and half tried to do homework. Sorta got a little bit done...we were making apple crisp to bring to her prof's house for a studio party.

That was pretty interesting. Apparently her prof has two of these gatherings every year at his house. His wife is a really good cook, I must say, lots of soups and chili. People brought dessert and we had ice cream, mmm it was good. After we ate, we started watching Princess Bride. Lots of people who could quote it word for word. I left early though because I wanted to try to get some work done. Ended up not doing much though.

As usual, I can't think of what to write about for my next essay. Always happens. But I have to come up with some sort of proposal by 2:15 today because I'm discussing with my teacher....think think think

busy?

What a full weekend. Barely had time to work on my homework. Of course a lot of it was my own doing.

For example...I spent half of Saturday shopping. xP One of the girls on my floor lives 25 min. away from Wheaton and she needed to go shopping and asked if anyone wanted to go. I've been looking for black flats, so I went with her. And yes, I did accomplish my black flats mission...in addition to some other things. :D Leggings (F21), purple button-up shirt (NY&Co), and jean shorts (Banana Republic). And on Thursday I picked up three skirts (H&M, long gypsy-ish, and BR), a brown vest thing, and a pair of J.Crew wool pants from the co-op (which = free). SCORE. I do feel like I'm acquiring too much clothing though. no more, Serfy.

Before we went shopping, we stopped by J's house for breakfast. Her house is the most amazing place EVER. It's an ivy-covered smallish house with a covered sunroom, facing a golf course. The interior is full of dark wood mixed with cream and pastel-colored walls. It's an older house so the rooms are on the small size, but decorated so beautifully that you don't notice it. J's mom has a very elegant taste in general. I felt like I had entered the ultimate American home. J's bedroom especially is like an American Girl Doll bedroom, complete with white metal bedframe. Wallpapered bathroom walls with a mini-dumbwaiter. I am in love with that house. Breakfast was super yummy too. Waffles and egg-potato-bacon casserole, fruit salad, yogurt. mm so good to have a home-cooked meal.

After shopping till we dropped, went to Potbelly's for a light lunch and then J's mom picked us all up for ice cream, Grammy's treat! Ahhh I loved it. J's family is just too sweet. Her brother's played with Midori. I had a great time even though part of the time my mind was thinking about the homework I should have been doing.

sleeptimeeee
to be continued...

my family

My daddy is the sweetest man ever and when I grow up I want a husband just like him. well, maybe minus the boring job. My mama is so lucky to have him. He made her a photobook of the past 21 years of marriage and it brought back so many memories I started tearing up. ahhh my family is so wonderful and I miss them so much.

brain dump

I'm having trouble deciding what to write my next paper on. The main theme/topic is travel, but I can't decided what place I want to write about. The easy choice would probably be Shanghai/Hong Kong, since that's what's freshest in my memory and I'm older and can process things better. But I feel almost like that would be a cop-out. And there's not any one instance that really stands out to me. Plus I've been thinking and writing sooo much about Asian-ness since coming here that it's almost sickening. I sound so awful right now but it's almost true.

I'm even more confused now about the whole identity thing. Am I Chinese or American or Chinese American? What do these labels mean? I'm Chinese, heritage-wise. I know that for sure. I am of Chinese descent, I have the yellow-toned olive skin of the Chinese, the black straight hair, the flat nose. So I look different. I speak Cantonese, a language clearly very different from English. I like to eat Chinese food. I miss Chinese food now that I've gone 1.5 months without real Chinese food. But are there some essential qualities that identify me as Chinese? Is it tradition? A way of viewing the world?

This extends to friendships too. Do I relate to Asians, Chinese in particular, better because we share that common racial bond? I used to think so. For example Jo and I got along very well but she didn't quite understand the Asian mindset. What is the Asian mindset? Grades money success? But then I never felt entirely comfortable with, say, church people either. Either they were too hung up on AP classes and SAT scores, or they were immersed in kpop and Taiwanese dramas, or they were so liberal it was nauseating, or they didn't get homeschoolers. So maybe it's not true. Since coming to Wheaton I haven't interacted much with Asians. My suitemate and Zanna, pretty much, a couple upperclassmen in my studio. I didn't join the Asian fellowship and I don't know why. I went to the OMD reception and at first I was happy to see all the culture there but I didn't feel comfortable/entirely welcomed. Oh, they weren't unfriendly, but I just didn't like it. Ugh. I don't know what's up with me.

Am I simply rebelling against that "Asian" label? Because lots of people have been telling me to join Koinonia but I just never did. The first time it was a time issue, and then later it was partly time and partly because I didn't want to.

My conversation with Serena rocked my world though. She totally understood where I was coming from and said she felt much the same way when she was here. Just trying to reconcile the two different parts, and she still doesn't have any answers.

At the same time I don't think of myself as entirely Americanized. Do I want to disassociate from American culture because of the trash that comes with it? Mainly the media and the morals. And yet, I feel an intense patriotism for my country that most Asian Americans don't feel. My patriotism stems from a deep appreciation for the freedom that we have in this country. Not so much the political system or the historical aspect, but a deep desire to preserve and spread the freedom of many things that we have in this country.

I suppose that's why I wanted ROTC so bad. So I could feel like I was contributing to preserving that freedom. But in that way I'd be serving my country, not all of which I agree with. I heard another absolutely different view about war/peace the other day that I had never quite heard though. And from someone I deeply respect too. Basically he's almost a Mennonite and believes in pacifism/non-violence. He believes that God calls us to lead peaceful lives and not fight through the example that Jesus set in the NT. Beyond that, he believes that Christians should not get involved with organized government...I forgot quite what his reasoning for that was. I think it was something along the lines of we are but strangers in this world, travelling through to heaven, so we should not build up earthly things like that. I wonder what he thinks about social justice. LIke the times when the only way to help the poor and hurting is through the government. Should you work with and for them then?

I've had so many questions running through my head lately. Just so many random things have happened and I haven't been quiet enough to process all of them properly.

Like the Dugle family. Even though I never knew them very well, I knew they were a great family and I am extraordinarily saddened by their loss. I know Mrs. Dugle had been struggling with her condition for a while, but still, I can't imagine how hard it is on Schuyler. All I can do is keep praying and praying for him.

Then last night's movie made me think about patriotism all over again. and unfulfilled love. Patriotism because obviously it was a war movie and full of heroes and non-heroes. Heroes who were willing to sacrifice their lives for their country. Unfulfilled love, such aching passion that could not be consummated, and again for country. Could I do that for my country? I almost feel like it would be harder to do that for God. Because I know he's in control and it's essentially his "fault" if I didn't get married.

But the chapel speaker a couple days ago reminded me that God does call certain people to singleness - whether for a lifetime or for a longer period of waiting time. And for many it's hard to be content in that place. I wonder how I will feel if I am 40 and unmarried and childless.

Ah brain dumps. I just spent half an hour writing instead of practicing. And there's still so much to mull over. Was it worth it? I really can't say. Anyway it's dinnertime.

emotionally wrecked

LOL because of a movie. Watched Hua Mulan with my floor today...it is legit the saddest movie ever. It's GUT-WRENCHING. I screamed during the uber-suspenseful parts and came thisclose to crying over the sad parts. Velma was all out bawling. Soooo many super sad parts...quite a violent movie too, in some respects. Lots of killing, because it's essentially a war movie with a love story intertwined. I did like how the main couple didn't do anymore than hug though. Yep, hug. Not even a kiss. I so enjoyed listening to the Mandarin and understanding most of it.

Had pizza and mooncake for dinner...good stuff. xD In the afternoon, I essentially studied/facebooked/bummed. Had a spontaneous jamming session with suitemates minus Zann.

Yeah I really didn't do much this Sunday. I did really like the church I attended this morning though. Sovereign Grace Church. One of the seniors in my studio goes there, and of course I've heard quite a bit of Sovereign Grace music, so I decided to check it out. And boy, I think I sensed God calling me there. I'm not entirely sure if it's just a feeling though...I mean, I enjoyed it there. I didn't really talk to any of the people there though. But I'm gonna go back again next week for sure. The sermon was really expository; preaching from the passage instead of using random Bible verses to support a point. And the music was good...musically and lyrically. They meet in a school, which gave it a bit more of a laidback feel. I feel like it was a bit more informal than I'm used to, e.g. the preacher was wearing jeans, but they certainly had a worshipful spirit, which is more important, I suppose. We'll see.

Yay for a new week!

a good Saturday

It's been a good day. So far. Except for the fact that the reason I'm blogging is because I'm waiting for a practice room. This concert tonight screws up my schedule...normally I practice Saturday evening because there are so fewer people. Okay. Let me just say that people who leave their stuff in a practice room and don't come back for like half an hour are really annoying. I'm gonna go take that room soon.

[continued afterwards]

Anyway, this morning we went apple-picking. It was supposed to be a bro-sis thing but only one guy showed up, not including the RA and our RA's bf. Still, it was a lot of fun just hanging out with the girls and the token boy. Because he's really chill and generally friendly, so it wasn't weird or awkward. The only thing that would have made it better was slightly warmer weather...it was really windy. But the apples were absolutely delish, and I bought half a dozen cider donuts! MMMMYUMMMM

Came back in time for lunch at saga. Then I met Serena for coffee. oh yeah, I didn't tell that story yet.

So yesterday I was practicing in 214 and decided to take a practice break. I walked out of the room and saw this lady who looked like someone I knew. I was almost sure but not 100%, but lately I've been working on acting on my impulses (the good ones...that I sometimes second guess) so I went up to her and said, "Ms. Chin?" She whipped around and had this shocked look on her face. She totally recognized me though. She wasn't sure of my name but she remembered me as Stephen's sister. She told me later that she had sort of thought I looked familiar too but wasn't sure, and that I had a funny look on my face as she walked past me, like I knew her too.

Boy, am I glad I acted on that impulse though. We had a nice long chat over coffee today, and we talked about everything from PGC to Wheaton in general to being Chinese on campus. It was so awesome to talk with someone who understands my struggles with my Asian identity here and isn't just like, "join koinonia and everything will be alright!" It was great. She reminisced a bit about her days, gave me some advice, and talked about some of the changes. It was such an awesome coincidence - well, I won't say coincidence because I know God planned it. But just getting to meet an alumna whom I had known before, however distantly, was great. So I have her contact info now should I ever need her help or advice.

Tonight we had our first orchestra concert. The choirs sang too for two movements of the Brahms. SO COOL. I love singing with the orchestra.

We got back and Zanna and I decided to have a mini food party and talk about our weeks. I really love being roommates with her. We really do get along very well, I think.

There were amazing chocolate truffles for dinner. YUM

This is getting boring and I need to sleep. Goodnight.

my crazy week

This has definitely been a week of crazy ups and downs. Every time something bad happened, something good would come up and counterbalance it. Just when I thought it was smooth again, my boat would tip and something stinky would happen.

I'm gonna go backwards because that's how I remember things. Jessina had a mini "Welcome October" party in her room today which was quite relaxing and fun. We just snacked and talked. She is absolutely wonderful. I think she felt like she had been away for too many weekends and wanted to connect with us all again.

In English today, Dr. Schreck had me read aloud my essay to the whole class. I totally wasn't expecting that. She had asked for a clean copy but I didn't know why and it didn't click. And I thought she would talk to me beforehand. Oh well. I guess I'm fine with it...it is weird reading your own work out loud to a group of people though. But I got some really good feedback. The most surprising thing was the flow. Quite a few people thought the flow of my essay was very good. I feel like my transitions were still really choppy but perhaps reading out loud, or speechifying, is different from just reading mentally.

We sang for Dr. Hopper's award ceremony today. Kaitlyn and I ended up wearing the same shade of salmon without planning it. And people actually noticed. We have a really cute picture together ^^ I'm so glad I got to be a part of that ceremony as a member of WC...maybe there are advantages to being in WC after all.

I skipped Wellness to finish writing for English. I'm glad I didn't skip Chapel though. It was a very good chapel today. Homecoming is this weekend, so lots of alumni are back. The speaker was an alumnus who is now a successful businessman, President of some company or something. He spoke on appreciating what we have here and making choices to capitalize on our time here. But it wasn't just another motivational speech; I think he was really speaking from the heart. He teared up several times while talking, like when he talked about still being single after so many years. Which is like the anti-poster boy of Wheaton grad- not a missionary, not married. But it was so good.

Finally got a better score on my theory hw. Got two Fs this week, which was the lowpoint of my week.

Another lowpoint was finding out about Mrs. Dugle. It was such a shocker. I think Schuyler is hanging in there...will just keep praying for him and Mr. Dugle.

And I found out right after our raid on our brother floor too. I was so excited and hyper after that, logged onto Facebook and found out. Could not concentrate on writing the paper.

The raid went well, I guess. I think I enjoyed it...maybe a little too intense. Good cookies.

I'm sleepy. Tomorrow we're hopefully going apple picking, if it doesn't rain.

what a day...

I thought it would end happy...but I just got news that Schuyler's mom passed away today. My heart breaks for Schuyler and his dad...it must be so hard on them. Lord, I pray, I pray and beg that you will lavish your love on them and fill them with your comfort, the comfort that only you can give. Let them not lose hope and let them cling to your goodness no matter how dark it gets. Lord, please.