high standards or pride?

It's getting a little frustrating to work with J Theater. Except I don't know whether I'm annoyed because I'm simply too snobbish about theater or if they just aren't pursuing excellence. Probably a bit of both. As with many things. I can't help feeling that I could do quite a bit better than the current "director." I finally understand Mommy's frustration at people who simply don't know how to direct. It's one thing to do really well with the language and have a clear idea of the characters, and even to be a good actor yourself, but stage directing is a whole 'nother story. It's amazing how little sense some people have about interest and levels. You can't jolly well sit in one place through five pages of dialogue.

I was talking with Zanna about the whole thing today and she asked me why I didn't speak up more, if it was because I was a freshman. I guess that has a lot to do with it. I don't want to be seen as bossy or pushy or know-it-all. But truth is I have a lot of experience, and I've shadowed professionals so much that I do know what I'm doing. I just can't jump in now and tell people what to do though. I'll just stick it out meekly like I always do. It'll be over in two or three weeks. I'll definitely have to consider carefully about committing for the next show though.

The past few days I've been sort of loopy in my practice sessions. Just finding it really hard to concentrate...my mind is always wandering to so many other places. Sometimes it's empty stuff like planning out outfits to wear (no joke) or thinking about how much food I've consumed. Other times I'm worrying about the homework I need to do. Too often my mind is hundreds of miles away, back in NJ, thinking about my family, about my friends. And most recently I've been thinking about what my friends are doing while I'm slaving away in a practice room. Perhaps people weren't joking when they talk about how you can only have two of the three S's. I know technically if you have really good time management you can have a nice amount of all three. I just need to have the right balance.

Z asked me how my expectations of college measured up with the actual thing. Surprisingly I've never really considered that. I don't quite know what my expectations were...I think I came in balanced enough to know Wheaton wasn't a perfect place so I'm not totally disappointed by how sometimes community isn't totally awesome, or chapel isn't always exciting. I guess my expectations of the actual music parts are quite close to what I've experienced. I cannot stress enough how much I enjoy studying with Dr. Horn. He's definitely my main motivation for practicing more.

I feel like I've been consuming a lot of media at college. but at the same time, I'm writing a lot more than I have in the past year. I'm thinking quite seriously about adding an English minor to my major. I really enjoy it and I'm not half bad at it.

Why do I regret things as soon as I do them? When I know I shouldn't do them in the first place.

This is getting majorly boring...