Lord Jesus, I love thee

God is so amazing! Just the way he reveals himself to me.

My day started off really crappy. Worst morning so far. Got my theory homework back and what do I see? A big fat F. F for Failure. I was stunned. Yeah, first F I've ever gotten in my life. I was a little dumb through the whole class, you can ask Faith. Just so floored. I don't know what's worse...getting an F because you don't understand the material, or getting an F because you missed half the assignment due to carelessness. Obviously for me it was the latter. I didn't read the directions carefully and forgot to label the intervals. Stupid. Mommy's always right of course..."don't make careless mistakes!"

So I was all upset and posted an angry FB status about it and basically announced it to the world, stupidly, again. There's nothing I can do about it, talked with Dr. Gordon, but he said it was just one homework grade out of like 30 so it shouldn't affect my overall grade tooo much. Still, I better get all A+s and not just A's from now on if I want my overall grade to be an A. Grrr

Throughout the day it was still sorta simmering inside...angry at myself for being so stupid. Tonight there was something called Student Vigil, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. I wasn't in the mood, I thought. But it sounded a bit interesting so I decided to go check it out and maybe stay for half an hour. I ended up staying the whole time - 1.5 hrs. That's how amazing it was. It turned my whole mood upside down.

It's basically a really chill time of music for conservies and non alike. Everyone sits on blankets and pillows on Pierce stage and there's tea and cookies. People came up to play music and we listened and sang along as we liked. Someone played Heart of Worship...brought back good memories for me of learning to play that on the guitar and being able to worship with it...because it's the one song I could play fluently. Becky and Chris did House of God Forever and three other songs. Someone played an arrangement of Come Thou Fount, and Riley played a mvt. of a Haydn sonata. I don't know if it was the music, or just the overall mood, but by the end when it was prayer time I was so ready for it, I really wanted it. I usually struggle with prayer the most...a lot of the time when they're like, ok, split into small groups and pray for 10 minutes I start freaking as to what I'll say when it's my turn. But this time I just focused on God, not me, and said what was in my heart without thinking about how people would take it or respond to it. Overall it was just an amazing time and I feel so blessed that God slapped me upside the head (well...gently) and reminded me that one grade is not the end of the world.

And one guy's testimony really moved me in another way...he had been away from Wheaton for the past two years because his family couldn't afford it so he left after one semester. And it just reminded me how extremely blessed I am to be here. I take it for granted- the community, the fact that M and D can afford it. Of course it is always in the back of my mind that I should do something to relieve the financial burden on Daddy, but it is not near enough that I act on it. I really should get a job though. But even if I can't help out with money, the least I can do is really apply myself in my studies and make it worth it. meaning no more carelessness on easy homework.

In between the F and vigil, there was awkward Wellness class, as usual, short workout, awesome English class. Our next essay is a narrative on travel...I'm so excited! I love narratives!!! So much easier for me. And I love having a "forced" opportunity to write about my travels...I never write coherently about them. Now I just have to decide what to write on...

I met with the director of the play today. I didn't get cast for the play but I expressed interest in stage managing, so I met with Angelo to discuss that. It's gonna be fun, getting involved in theatre again. can't wait! Angelo's a pretty cool guy too...we got to talking about other stuff like siblings and stuff.

Yep so that was pretty much my day...with 3 hours of practice, of course. I hope I don't suck too badly at my lesson tomorrow. Oh yeah we have that photoshoot for Music Tech too...blech.

today was a crazy day

Not because I did anything crazy, really. It was just really interesting. I feel like recapping the whole day yay

Woke up early, for a Sunday, 8:30, because Zanna and I had a meeting with two other girls for music tech. We were supposed to shoot the videos for our mission statements, but turns out we couldn't get the cameras on weekends. So we decided to just discuss the content of our mission statements, and walk down to Adams Park to do a bit of location scouting. Since we were there already I suggested we go visit the French Farmers' Market. Such cool stuff there! Jewelry and scarves and old books....and best of all, FOOD. :D Lots of free samples. Ahhhh I wanted to buy all those pastries, they looked so good. Of course I shouldn't...no moola. I've been using too much >< No more buying silly things! Especially food when I already have so much of it.

After that we went to brunch, where I ate a peanut butter and chocolate chip waffle. ahhh soo good. I can't get over how delicious food is. I could not survive without all the wonderful tastes and yums and ahhhh.

Went back to my room and attempted to do homework but just sorta puttered around and cleaned my room. At 1:00 I went to the saga circle to meet the head crew girl from Jukebox to go do some inventorying at the storage place. There were supposed to be more people but it ended up being just me and Mara. It was cool though. Scripture Press, as it's called is a huge building owned by the college which houses several ministries and organizations, including Church of the Res. In the warehouse part there are many "cages" - wire and wood structures that are basically like see-through rooms.

We thought it would take longer but it ended up only taking an hour to go through everything. Costumes, random furniture, not too many props, actually. some set stuff. It'll be cool to work with the people on crew. Though deep down I really want to get cast, but I know it probably won't happen. But that's okay. I think I'll definitely be disappointed, but I'm pretty much guaranteed a spot on crew, and maybe even stage manager, so I'll still be involved.

After that I met up with Zanna to go downtown to La Spiaza to meet Kaitlyn. Love that place...so eclectic. Except when they play weird music and/or the place starts to smell like puke because of someone's garlic pizza. No joke. But, chai tea latte is good but pricey. shouldn't go there too often. Anyway, crazy part of the visit was the guy working there. So either because I was wearing a kooky hat or something, the guy decided to have a little fun with me. Z and I were discussing it afterwards and we couldn't decide if he was flirting, being weird, or just joking around cuz he was bored.

So I walked up and saw scones in the display case and I made a happy/surprised face. The dude looks at me and does the cover-his-mouth-omgosh thing back at me. So I laugh because he did look pretty funny. I ordered my chai latte and he asks me what size I want...except he uses his hands instead of words. So he's moving his hands up and down to mean small/medium/large and I'm like mimicking him to show him medium. man it was weird. I felt so awkward and laughy. ugh. I tell him which scone I want, he takes it out, grabs a plate, and sets it down, saying something like, "that's all I have for you right now". I really didn't catch it so I sorta smiled and waited. Then he takes a fork out and starts pretending to stab/poke me with it. I'm thinking...okay, this is sorta weird... But I don't know how to respond so I sorta laugh. LOL it was painfully funny. And then I was just like, "no...just...no" yeah. That was so random.

Came back, practiced some, then went to dinner, during which we had some interesting conversations...I forget now ahh. But there were curly fries so I felt really happy! :D Some guys at another table were playing a game where they threw an apple around and tried to catch it by skewering it on their fork. It was funny to watch the apple flying through the air with like six forks sticking out of it.

After that Z and I decided to go practice...we were on our way out of saga with a Josh and were talking about how cold it was, and he goes, "this is weird, but do you guys want to huddle for warmth?" Fortunately we had a good excuse because he was going back to the dorms and we were going to the conserv, but I was thinking, "um, easy way to get close to girls....or are you seriously that cold..." hmmm...

Around 8:30 Z and I left and went up to T7, where we played Contact in the lounge. That is one intense game. Hurt my voice playing it.

Man I can't wait to phone/vchat family tomorrow. I was missing them lots today. so much so that I randomly texted D. to remind him how lucky he is to be with his family.

movie watching

We've been watching at least one movie every week...we just finished Becoming Jane. OH. MY. WORD. Saddest movie ever. But it wasn't a sob your heart out everything's tragic type of sad. It was really really sad but it had closure. James McAvoy is my favorite actor ever. omgosh. HIS EYES. so piercing. AHHHH. and with Anne Hathaway? simply amazing. Their chemistry....ahhhh. indescribable. yes i'm spazzing. ahhhhh. Love love love this movie. New favorite movie. AHHH.

getting it out

How do I know if it's about me? I can't tell. I wish I could get inside your mind. How was I supposed to know you liked me if you were always involved with someone else? That's just stupid. If you never went for me I guess I didn't really mean that much anyway. You know what, maybe it's not me. I'm just reading too much into this. But oh, how I wish I could tell you what I feel! I've always admired you and you know it. Haven't I written e-notes and said encouraging things to you enough? I always felt like I was putting myself out there. Maybe I'm still too reserved. Do I have to be more demonstrative? Are there no guys who are willing to take a chance on me? To run after me and capture my heart?

I'm so frustrated. No. I'm just sad. I feel like I lost someone...who I never had in the first place. What a great way to start my Friday. Sometimes I wonder at myself.

Who am I kidding? As if anything now would lead anywhere. We're too young for love. I should just get over this. I'm tired of trying to talk to you and conversations being awkward. You felt like it was one-sided? I feel like it's completely me. No, that's false. You put yourself in sometimes. But still, what am I supposed to do?

You know what? Forget it. He's probably talking to someone else. I'm getting all worked up over nothing. As usual.

and so it goes...

I've got Billy Joel stuck in my head.

Oh how it gives me joy to write grammatically incorrectly.

Wow did I just say that? Whatever happened to the self-appointed Ms. Grammar Police? Ah well I never blog/journal entirely correctly anyway so it doesn't really matter.

Today was a good day. mostly. I could have practiced more, but I somehow couldn't focus at night. but it's all good, had our first DSG meeting. I really hope it'll be good. I'm gonna do my part to make sure it's real and genuine.

Music Tech was interesting today because an A/V guy came in to talk about headshots and he was super knowledgeable and interesting. I felt really bad because we were really quiet...I tried to think of good questions but they just weren't coming. ><

Spent the morning practicing, then lunch with Grace, she's so coolll. And then did what I've been wanting to do: went downtown to La Spiaza, i.e. a NON-STARBUCKS coffeeshop, to study. I thought I might be distracted but it was actually really quiet and good and I mostly finished my paper yay. Just one transition to work on. thank the Lord I don't have to stay up to finish it. It's a really cute little shop. All the tables are different styles and sizes, there are comfy couches, some toys for kids. The coffee was not super special, but it wasn't bad. And it came in a cool mug. They were playing good music when I got there but then it changed so I plugged in my headphones and typed away to tswift. I was so surprisingly productive, finished my paper and read some of Phantastes too. I really want to work there but the guy says he's not hiring right now but I should check back throughout the year because things will change and he might have openings. I don't really know how to do that without being awkward though...do I just ask if they're hiring every time I go? lol

Choir was good, I stayed completely awake and alert. I thought it was because I had done lots of work today or something but then I realized I had coffee. heh.

My audition for the fall play went quite well. I don't think I bowled the director over with my talent or anything, but he laughed at some of the funny stuff I did so I took that as a good sign. I'm preparing myself for nothing, at least I know I'll have a spot on crew. Results come out this weekend...

Alright, gotta go revise my paper and finish theory. I've been finishing theory homework in class but counterpoint just takes some extra time.

weekend pt. 2

So yesterday I just bummed. I think. I practiced for two hours. Oh wait, went to the farmer's market. Got strawberries! and good coffee! and a yummy scone! And then bro-sis bonfire in the rain. It was okay though. yay s'mores

Today went to First Baptist. I really liked it even though many Wheaton students go there. Worship was amazing and sermon wasn't bad.

After that and saga, I went with some conservies to a nursing home to give a mini-concert and just talk to them. It's gonna be a monthly thing, and I'm excited. I didn't feel like any of my classical stuff was ready, so I decided to play "wo men ai." I'm glad it worked out. I just improvised what I remembered of the intro and played it, different octaves and all that. Good stuff. Met some cool old people - Elizabeth, Clara, Vern, George. Vern said I reminded him of his pseudo-adopted granddaughter who is apparently Chinese. And George...I talked a long time with George lol He's been a Baptist, Presbyterian, Catholic, and Methodist LOL and hates the Lutheran church. Used to be a Navy dentist, during WWII. And then at the end as I was leaving, we had the following conversation (italics are my thoughts):

George: You were very interesting to talk to...

Me: whew, I'm glad I wasn't entirely boring.

George: ...and you're very good-looking...

Me: oooookaayyyy that's like the 5th time some old guy has said that to me...must be the whole exotic Asian thing

George: ....for a....

He stops. If he could look embarrassed, he would have his embarrassed face on.

Me: OH MY GAWSH did he just almost say for a Chinese?

George: well I was going to say for a Chinese girl but then I realized...oh bad me...I shouldn't say that, should I?

Me: Um...no...it's okay...this is so freakin' awkward!!!

Come to think of it, that was highly racist lol. Totally. gosh at the time I was just like, this is crazy and awkward and I don't know why I still like you people. But Vern was a dear, as was an old lady I talked to at the end whose name I forgot. I'm excited about going back.

Letters to Juliet is possibly THE most cheeseball movie EVER. Northanger Abbey is okay, except the ending is a little abrupt.

Tomorrow is Monday...more school...will it never end?

"you were very interesting to talk to, and you're good-looking too...

...for a Chinese girl," said the slightly racist former Navy dentist.

Story of my life. More to come...

homesick

I am missing people so badly right now. What is this? Just suddenly, randomly, my Wheaton friends aren't enough for me. Well, of course they aren't. Each of my friends means something different to me. I love how C.S. Lewis talks about Friendship in The Four Loves - how each of our friends brings out a different facet of us. [I should read that book again.]

I miss Mommy because I want someone to just talk to who's really wise and knows what's going on with me. Because she has so much life experience and she loves every single bit of me.

I miss Daddy because he's my favorite boy in the world (yes, more than Stevie) and because he works so hard because he loves us.

I miss Stevie because he's so goofy and awesome and I really want a great big bear hug right now. And because he understands me so well and he doesn't care when I say silly things and we like to trade pointless insults and crack random jokes.

I miss Christine because she knows me so well too and is so wise and funny. I hope she's doing well in college. must be crazy stressful for her.

I miss all my Jimmy Stewart people, especially Park. He has such a special brand of sarcasm and I miss his Korean-ness and our banter and the way he talks.

I miss Johnny because he's so sweet and always cares about people before himself. I miss just talking about the randomest things with him.

I miss all the senior members at CAP because they all love me and give me such great advice.

I miss drama class people because they're some of the coolest people I know. All so funny and talented. I miss laughing that much and speaking Shakespeare and cracking Shakespeare jokes.

It's weird because I miss CAP people more than church people.

I so cannot wait until break, especially Christmas break, when I'll get to see everyone.

I miss CAP :(

I miss CAP soooo much. like way too much. At this moment I miss CAP more than I miss my family. That feels wrong but I can't help it. AHHH. I miss my people, I miss being in uniform, I miss the strange sense of brotherly camaraderie. I want to go to squadron meetings so badly. Maybe it's time to look into a local squadron. Or I'm going to go join ROTC. Why didn't the ROTC people ever call me back? hmm. Maybe it's a sign. I should really email them. I so miss that feeling of being proud of my uniform and of serving my country that way, no matter how small it actually is. So maybe I just want to join the military because it makes me feel good? Not a particularly good reason. Though as far as I can tell, not a particularly bad reason either.

So why do I want to join the Air Force? People have been asking me and I can't tell them particularly. I'm not sure myself. I don't have any family connections to the US military, I'm not extremely knowledgeable about airplanes, and I'm not totally physically fit. I think the biggest reason is an overwhelming sense of being proud of my country. Okay, fine. Patriotism. I don't even know why. Compared to a lot of countries, yes, the US is an amazing country. Amazingly free and rich. But there's an enormous crapload of evil and corruption all over. Culture, government, even within the military. Joining the Air Force is just going to disillusion me further.

But I still sooo want to be a part of that. Is it because I want to belong there? To identify with that particular group of people? I want to be known as "that Asian girl in uniform"? No...I don't think I would enjoy that. I just really want to serve my country that way, darn it. Am I naive enough to think that being in the military is simply so noble that it will make me feel like a contributing member of society? like an ego boost? Of course not. I know there's an ugly side to everything.

I don't really want to fly planes either, like a lot of the CAP people who want to go into the Air Force. I'm not up on my plane knowledge, and all those controls intimidate me. So what do I want to do? Band Officer? Capt. Maver thinks I should aim higher.

That's another thing. Do I want to do this so much because of subconscious pressure from CAP people? It's not like they make fun of me or anything (well...like one of them did) or tell me I should join ROTC. But everyone in CAP is essentially preparing for a military career, so I sort of stick out like a sore thumb. But that's not even it. I can stand that. I just really want to experience that part of life. Quite a few of the SMs and cadets and even some active duty told me to at least consider it. Am I trusting their advice when they only know one side of me, the CAP side? I mean, I highly respect all these people, but they don't know what's best for me.

And how does this all fit into my current college path? I really don't know if I can do a piano performance degree with AFROTC, especially having to go off campus. That would be major stress. I mean, all my classes right now are pretty much easy peasy, and since I don't have to take any science or math courses, it shouldn't be too tough. I think. The scheduling I can work out.

The other thing is the physical part. I suspect there's something minorly wrong with my lungs since I can run nonstop for 25 minutes on a treadmill but I'm huffing and wheezing after four minutes outside. I should experiment for three weeks and try to build up my endurance. And the whole wrist thing and pushups. If I were to do ROTC I'd want to push myself as much as possible but that might interfere with practicing. must. do. 100. pushup. program. My body I can conquer. I suppose.

Then there's the whole "future" question. As in, what do I want to do with my life? Because if I do ROTC, that's 3 years active duty after college and 7 years in the reserves. Is it worth it to essential sign 10 years of my life away (my prime child-bearing years too xP)? Am I throwing my desire for a family out the window? Is it worth it to sacrifice family for country? Am I just wanting too much?

Sigh. There's so much to think through. I just really don't know.

busy busy

Failing at the whole "blogging every day" thing, as usual. My excuse is that I've been really busy. surprise surprise. Yes, I could manage my time a little better. I only practiced 1.5 hours today because I had so much homework and had to go to the library to take the stupid Wellness quiz. And tonight I'm hosting a visiting high school senior so I had to spend the evening with her showing her around. But I don't want to make it sound like I didn't like that...because I loved being able to show her around. She's a really sweet girl, potential music major, so I really did enjoy having her. Well, still enjoy, since she's here until tomorrow.

Inauguration tomorrow! Singing with the choirs. Tomorrow's gonna be crazy schedule-wise. Hopefully I can get some practicing in tomorrow evening after inauguration.

why?

It's good to ask that question sometimes. Sometimes it hurts though. It cuts. It sears.

Why does God take away young, healthy men and women right in their prime of life? Why does he allow couples who have been married for 20 years to separate and cause pain in so many loves. Why does he allow evil to grow and grow without seeming to curb it? Why are my tormentors not repaid? Why can I not love people as I want to? Why?

My heart breaks. It breaks for those near me I see going through hard times. Those who are dealing with circumstances way bigger than themselves that they have no control over. Who don't know where to turn anymore. Who have pain and stress and heartache in their lives. Who deal with family problems day in and day out and just can't get away.

It breaks for worldwide events that I read about in the news. Things that really aren't related to me but are horrifying in their level of sorrow and evil. Catastrophes and tragedies that strike me to my core and make me doubt God's goodness.

And the worst thing is there doesn't seem to be a single thing I can do about it. All I can do is love people and pray for them. I can't make their pain go away. I can't soothe their wounds. I can't make the situation better. Praying sometimes feels empowering, but too often it feels empty and not useful. How long, O Lord, how long? Is this what patience is about? Lord, teach me patience then! I am hungry for some sign, anything, something small, that you are working in my life, in the lives of those who need you, who are hurting.

Or when God just answers, "because." And expects me to be satisfied. I don't need to know now. But I WANT TO. Why can't I know? It's so frustrating.

Lord God, I pray your loving mercy and peace on the ____ family. Overwhelm them with your steadfast love. Amen.

12 September 2010

Another reason I started this blog is because my writing professor encouraged us to write down our thoughts and ideas as soon as they hit us, instead of waiting for a "good" time to sit down and flesh it out. Often when we reach that "good" time, we are in an entirely different mood and what comes out is totally different from our original intent. So since I'm lugging around my laptop a lot of the time now, and writing with pen and paper is slower than I like, I'm going to try this.

I attended the other Chinese church today. (I'm not going to put names so this won't show up in search engines...hopefully.) Compared to home church, the English congregation is tiny. Really sparse. But quite a few people actually came up to welcome me, and then introduce me to other people, so I actually felt like I had some sort of personal connection. And it turns out one of the seniors in my studio goes there too, so that was nice. The pastor is really young...the overall feel is very informal. I sorta felt bad for him because his entire sermon he was holding the mic. But what he said was sound, if not as insightful as Pastor Tim or Pastor Wilson. Dr. Pun found me after service and we lunched together, he prayed for me. Then chatted with some guys for a bit. I had to stay until 1500 because my ride had a meeting, so I wandered around the building, tried to hack into the sanctuary piano which was locked, and finally settled down outside to read Phantastes.

Phantastes is so far unlike any other book I've ever read. It's like a grown-up fairy tale, complete with fairies and goblins and knights and King Arthur. Crazy. Crazy good, that is. Can't wait to get enough time to finish it.

Some of the girls decided to watch The Pursuit of Happyness tonight and I decided foolishly to watch with them...but halfway through I realized I still had work to do and stopped...so I still have some homework to do right now. sigh. Really gotta work on self-control and time management. Off to read an essay for Writing...

11 September 2010

I'm keeping this as my online journal for now. I think I'll be keeping it "private" in the sense that I won't go announcing it. If people find it, so be it. Hmm...maybe it's a good way to keep my family up to date...

So, I'm 3 weeks into college life. How do I like it? I really don't know. Like everything else, there are parts I love and parts that aren't so dandy. Like the showers. I miss having clean showers where I don't have to wear flip-flops. I guess that's just a minor detail though. I miss my family lots and lots. And just home life in general. I haven't cried though, because I know it's not for forever, and because I know if I really really needed to I could fly home just like that.

I do love my classes, in general. Even Writing, which I wasn't looking forward to. I mean, it's not easy, but my professor makes it so fresh and stimulating that I actually enjoy class. Speaking of professors, they're one of the best things here. They're knowledgeable, witty, genuinely interested in their students, and all godly people.

Actually right now I'm writing this instead of revising my paper for English. Oops. Well, it's still writing, so it counts...right? Sigh. Procrastination. I was practicing before and decided to take a homework break...which turned into a Facebook break...and then a youtube break...and now a blogging break.

Today marks the ninth anniversary of 9/11. I've been thinking all day about how time has gone by so quickly. Has it really been nine years? A lot of people are asking that question. There are so many children in the world, like all my Primary Choir kids, who have no memory of that day because they weren't born yet. I remember it, quite vividly, even though I myself was only nine years old then. Wow, did it really happen half my lifetime ago?

I remember it was a crisp, bright fall day. We were at 43 Nevsky, in the process of moving house. But the TV was still set up in the family room. Daddy was working at home, and we had started school. I think we were upstairs in the study/guestroom when Daddy called up from downstairs to tell us to come down and look at the news on TV. I don't remember what he said...probably something along the lines of "big accident." Mommy and I and Stephen hurried down. Either we had moved the sofa away already, or we were just so stunned, but somehow we ended up on the ground, staring at the screen. I was on my knees, mouth agape, as we watched shot after shot of the plane crashing into the first tower. It was around 9:30am...not quite sure, but I know it was soon after the first plane hit. We stayed there for a good half hour or more, in shock. Mommy was saying "Oh no, oh no" over and over again, near tears. Daddy had to go back to monitor his work after a while, but I stayed there, not quite understanding what was going on. I knew it was something really bad. The images of the building exploding and crumbling are forever seared in my brain. As are the clips of people, humans, covered in dust and running, running, fleeing down the streets of Manhattan. I lived their terror as they ran into the camera, I was chilled by the images of handbags left on the ground, owners missing perhaps. Two images will always haunt me: that of a severed hand lying by the side of the street, and a story several days later of bodies wrapped up like mummies. They terrified me at the time and still bring chills down my spine whenever I think about it.

The rest of the day was spent in countless prayers and frantic phone calls to friends whom we knew worked in NYC. We heard how Ms. Yolanda was about to cross the Brooklyn Bridge on foot but managed to get on one of the last buses leaving the city. Later in the day, mommy got a call from Mr. Richard's wife. She desperately needed someone to go pick up her husband from the train station. Somehow he had managed to get out on a train but she couldn't go because she had to watch her two young kids.

Surprisingly, I've never been to Ground Zero. My family never decided to visit there, and I don't think I would have been ready to face it until recently. Even though I wasn't hit directly, i.e. I don't think I actually know anyone, or a friend of a friend, who died there, and I wasn't in the city at the time, 9/11 impacted me deeply. It scared me. We were essentially attacked on our own soil. The lives lost were so many. Recovery efforts went on for months, years. I guess it's also because I do live relatively close and I've actually been in NYC. e.g. I didn't feel Katrina as deeply because I'm physically removed from it.

Maybe...that's something that has unconsciously influenced me in my desire to join the military. Even before I heard about CAP I always had this childish dream to join the army. Seriously, I told my mom I was considering that as a career.

That was, in a way, quite cathartic. Now that was a real first draft of mine. I barely stopped in writing that. If only I could do my writing assignments so quickly. I think I might have to do this with all my other childhood scarring experiences. Sounds so sketchy haha.

Well, it's off to homework and dinner I go. I feel strangely restless today...like I want to do something but I don't know what. Visiting another Chinese church tomorrow.