stuck

Hi, it's me, procrastinating on a paper again. Sorta. I wanted to blog about weekend stuff anyway, so maybe I have an excuse?

I'm halfway into my Facebook fast for Lent. I'm really glad I had daddy change my password, otherwise I know I'd be weak and log on. It's awful, the first few days I gave it up, I almost had minor withdrawal symptoms. I felt mopey and just out of it and would spend time just looking at the FB login page. Yeah, I know, super lame. But doesn't that sound like I was addicted? Yep, it was definitely a good idea to get away from it, if only for 40 days.

Saturday was the Chorale concert. It went quite well, and our audience wasn't as small as I had worried it might be. There were apparently 500+ people at the Glee Club concert last week, but they were in Pierce so the house was packed. Edman, which seats ~2500, would look mostly empty with 500 people. Fortunately they roped off the two side sections and had everyone sitting in the middle so it looked better. :D

We sang quite well, I think. There were some spots where we were still unsure of ourselves, and as always, we could have had more expression and musicality in our singing. Like Dr. H was saying, we had to put on a rich "chocolate" concert, not a bland "vanilla" one. The difference between a women's choir and a men's choir is that men can just put on a tux and everyone will love them, whereas women somehow have to work a lot harder to be as popular. pft. whatever. The motions for No Thank You John went over quite well. I'd been a little "...uh...really?" about them. I thought they were a little lame but the audience seemed to like it, so that was good.

I didn't make any silly mistakes playing for the five Hebrew love songs, so that was good too. Afterwards a guy from my bro floor came up to me and was like, "I didn't know you played the piano until this evening!" Really, cadet, really? LOL I spend my whole day in the conserv...

Then yesterday we had our banquet. It was a splendid evening! Turned out almost better than I could imagine. Do you know, the night before I was subconsciously so worried about it that I had a strange dream about it. Usually the things that show up in my dreams are things that I've been thinking about a lot, whether I know it or not. My dream had something to do with not being able to find a ride, and stormy rain. I have no idea. haha.

I was going to try to get a bit of homework done in between church and getting ready, but I pretty much ended up coming back, napping, and then primping. hehe. such a girl. My hair was what took most of the time. I was wishing for curls, and K kindly offered to do it for me, so she spent an hour on that. But she did an amazing job...I'm really glad with the way it turned out. She has skillzzz :D I wore the red dress I wore for graduation (yay recycling!)

[This darn paper is ruining my life. Not really, but it really sucks to write papers with citations. This is why I am not an English Writing major. Research papers are the bane of my existence. I may or may not make it through the night.

well, I did make it through the night. Stayed up till 3am, and in peer review today C was like "uh...well, I think it doesn't quite answer the prompt..." Shoot me now.

Anyway, to continue the original purpose of the post...

The actual banquet was quite fun, nothing spectacular. We were in the outdoorsy banquet tent of a golf club, similar to biu-goh's wedding reception. Dinner was hearty, good food. We were sitting with K, of course, and Ana and Joy and Manny, who had all brought glee clubbers or concert choir guys. So I felt a bit bad for my and K's dates because neither of them were particularly musical...but A and I had some good conversation. That's why I asked him, you know, because I like talking with him. After dinner we had a slideshow, some fun awards, and the cabinet video, which was a spoof on Ocean's Eleven, because after all, it was casino-themed.

And after that, as at any event where girls get all dolled up, there must needs be oodles of pictures taken! A and A were such good sports to let us and help us take pictures.

Altogether I had a lovely time and this tedious post doesn't do justice to it.

Sometimes I fail at writing. But on with life and school...

randomosity + procrastination

I would like to be able to say that whenever I lack inspiration, I blog and then, ta-da! I'm able to finish my paper or whatever I'm writing, but unfortunately the is not the case. It's usually more like, I'm really stuck so instead of writing something I don't understand I'll write about me.

Whenever I sit and study in a coffeeshop (I'm at Caribou in downtown Wheaton right now), I feel extremely like a college student. I guess partly because I never did this in high school, though I know plenty of people who did. It makes me feel grown-up in general, simply because I'm on my own, spending my own money. Caribou is a really nice place to study. It's a lot more spacious than the Starbucks, for one. I have to say a lot of their drinks are a little too sugary though. Next time I come I'm probably going to get straight up coffee just to see how it is.

Earlier (I've been here since 1:00 pm), I was typing away, minding my own business, when I happened to look up out the window just as a couple high school guys were walking by. They decided it would be funny if they smiled and waved at me. I was really confused at first because I wasn't sure if I actually knew them. It reminded me of that time at BMC when we all waved at the random girl in the restaurant window. I think she gave us the finger or something, and we gave her the peace sign. good times.

Oh, and then the dudes walked into Caribou and waved at me. weird.

We have our Women's Chorale concert tonight. I'm super-excited...going to be accompanying a set of Hebrew Love Songs. Unfortunately it conflicts with J's gig at La Spiaza. I really wish I could be there to support her...but I'm sure she'll do fine without me.

And then tomorrow is banquet, which I'm really looking forward to as well. I hope it will just be a chill time for me and my date, no awkwardness please! But A's a really nice guy and we have lots to talk about (which is why I asked him, haha!) so it should be good.

On Thursday, we were doing rhythmic dictation in Aural Skills, and one of the kids asked Dr. O if he could demonstrate his shorthand method for us. He finally agreed to do it on the board. I volunteered to play for him. It was hilarious...it's so great that he was willing to do that. He actually got the last note wrong haha. His excuse being that he hadn't done this in a while.

Did I ever say here that I lost my flip flops a week or two back? Well, I did, and it's the strangest thing ever because they're my shower flip flops which I never wear out of the dorm. And now they're just nowhere to be found.

Sitting in Starbucks for the first time this semester. On a whim I decided to join J to study. So far it's been...sort of productive. Read a bit of The Pillow Book but it was getting dull, so I answered some emails and tried to write some of my ballad. But I have to leave soon anyway, since I'm ushering for Artist Series tonight, and I have to get changed and eat dinner and all that mundane stuff.

I've been in a surprisingly good mood for the past two days. I just feel...happy. I haven't much to say except that life is full and mostly good. I still know I need to spend more time with God, though. Which is why underneath my happiness there is a twinge of something, apprehension or expectation, that I'll fall into a slump in a couple days. If I continue to revel in my self-created joy, it will soon be shown for naught.

I've had more time to think and have good conversations these past two weeks, too. Talked to K and learned more about her background over dinner the other day. I'm so excited to be suitemates with her and J next year! And so glad that we've got it figured it out.

I'm almost done with my second journal ever, started when I was 16 years, 10 months, and 24 days old. Yep, that's what I wrote in my first entry. I want to read over everything I wrote before I end it. Maybe tonight or tomorrow. Then I can move onto the beautiful journal Stevie gave me for Christmas. [I love paperblanks!]

Maybe it's because it feels like a season of beginnings that makes me feel so cheerful - springtime (even though it did flurry this morning!), new journals, new-ish class schedule. And also because I ran 2 miles today. Well, I did split into 1.5 and .5...but still.

something to say

I struggle often with significance. Does what I want to say hold meaning, purpose? Does anyone want to hear what I have to say? Do I even have anything to say?

Dr. Schreck says to "write the story you need to write." (In ENGW213 - Creative Writing.) What have I to say about anything that hasn't been said already? Am I the person who needs to tell my story?

We're moving into poetry after spring break. I need to measure my words even more to make them count.

I'm going to make a list. My favorite characters always made lots of lists so I should too.

Things Serfy Thought About Throughout The Day

1. Writing - how hard it is to start, how hard it is to make the words say what I mean.

2. Thoughts - how thinking is so vital to learning but I don't have time to think significantly. Or rather, I have not trained myself to focus on significant thinking.

3. I need to practice more.

4. Am I an interesting person?

5. I consumed way too much sugar today.

6. Boys. I am being honest here! Who should I invite to the Women's Chorale banquet? Should I invite anyone?

7. Encampment stuff - staff issues, communication issues. Issues!

8. Why am I still up?

Lists are cop-outs! I am not writing anything well, or of worth. I have nothing to say.

slowly fading away

I told my dad yesterday that I was handling the workload fine...but I'm not too sure about that. I mean, I'm maintaining my grades in classes, around an A- right now, but I can bring it up with midterms and quizzes and finals. And I'm more focused in my practice time now since I'm only averaging 2.5 hours a day. But my time with God is suffering. Mornings are rushed again, unlike the beginning of the semester. Oh, the sweet, sweet times I spent with my Lord for those first few weeks. Rising early and spending a full half hour in his Word and praying.

In the evening, by the time I get back to my room, it's usually 9 or later, and I've been out since 8:30 in the morning. I take care of encampment business, roll around to do what homework is due the next day, and look, it's 12am already. Time to sleep.

This is not good. I remember the peace I felt throughout staff selection day because I rose 15 minutes early (5am, baby) to calibrate myself to the Lord before plunging into the day. I desperately need that as I learn and make decisions throughout the day.

Another area I'm failing at - relationships. I never was the most sociable person to begin with, and now with this--I feel like I'm always on the phone. Which I probably am...455 minutes last month, not counting free weekends and nights. I don't have time to spend "chilling" or even having meaningful conversations. Or if I do I'm too emotionally and mentally drained to do justice to my friends. I wonder if this is good for me in the long run.

Don't think I'm regretting my decision. I think this post is colored by 1. the fact that it's getting late, 2. I'm hungry but know I'll feel guilty if I eat at this late hour, and 3. we hit a snag in our RST plans today and things aren't going spit-spot.

I can do this. Tomorrow is Friday already. Another weekend of...homework. Writing 2nd short story. Yay.

words words words

It's sad that I've lost the compulsion to write. I guess in a way it's a good thing for me, since that means I've lost the need to relieve stress in that way. Or maybe it means that I just don't have time to let myself think about stress and so have to dwell on it and get it out.

Anyway I haven't blogged or even journaled for a while. Maybe a week. I think, maybe because I've talked so much to various people that anything I put down here will feel like a rehashing of my conversations, yet another "person" to tell the same story too. But if I don't write it down in "ink" somewhere, then my words live only in my own memory and in the memories of others. And memory, as we all know, is short-lived. I shan't be able to look back in 20 years and know what I was thinking right now, today, through my memory.

These past few weeks, the start of the semester, have been weird. "Rough", is the word I've been using. Spring semester feels like a continuation of the school year, well, it is, and not nearly as easing into as fall semester. Homework piles up in the first few days, and tests and exams have come and gone already. It's as if...we never left. So on that front I've been a teeny bit overwhelmed.

Then practicing...I've lost a bit of motivation. Or maybe direction. Just not as super excited about my practicing. Or maybe I'm not perfectionist enough. I don't feel challenged by my pieces...but it's not like I'm giving 100% to them yet. So it's not that I'm not challenged, but just too lazy to perfect them.

Then of course there's the added work of Encampment. Let's just say it can be super stressful. I feel like I'm caught in the middle a lot of the times. I'm the primary line of communication between the cadet staff and the command staff, so basically I'm supposed to stay in close contact with 6+ people. And by close contact I mean at least one phone call a week to each of them. I have to learn not to have my opinion swayed so easily and to think and talk on my feet more persuasively.

Cadet staff review boards are coming up this weekend, and though I'm super excited and pumped, I'm also a little nervous. I feel as if I've got something to prove, and in a way I do. I have to prove to the cadet applicants that I will be an effective CC, that I am someone they can look up to. I'm at a disadvantage for several reasons: I'm a girl, I'm not going into the military, I'm not going into aviation, I'm not super physically fit. Advantages might be: I'm smart, I'm older and in college, I'm a girl. Yes, I am aware that I put "girl" in both categories. In an organization that's made up of 90% guys, it can work to my advantage. But sometimes it's also inconvenient.

There, I'm voicing my fears. Someone once told me that if I wrote out my fears on a piece of paper, all of a sudden they might sound a lot less menacing.

I believe that I communicate way better in writing than in speaking. Simply having time to think out what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say makes so much more sense to me. That's why I sound like I have no opinion of my own when I'm on the phone. Because I can't evaluate what the other person is saying and make a judgment right away. Something to do with my ears and learning style. I'm definitely not an auditory learner. If I see words on paper or the screen I can process them so much more efficiently.

But then my problem in writing is that I write unnaturally. Perhaps not now, because I happen to be simply spitting words out lickety-split without even the usual editing I do as I write anything else. But when I sit down and think about dialogue in my short story and try to write it out truthfully, it comes out stilted and archaic. A guy in my writing class commented that the way my characters were talking, he thought they were in the 19th century, so that when I mentioned the sports car, he felt a jarring sense of anachronism.

I'm coming to see that perhaps my gift isn't in writing. That is, I possess the ability to clearly communicate my thoughts in writing, and can use that as needed in whatever area of life, but I don't have the mind of a professional writer, or passionate writer. I don't feel compelled to write stories, and I don't have the vivid imagination of say, my mom even, that enables me to see that which is not, much less to describe it to anyone else in a coherent and engaging manner.

An exercise in free-writing, perhaps? I certainly didn't expect this to flow out so volubly and easily.

Hi. It's me again.

Good thing I have more time to work with this paper. As usual, I feel like I'm just starting to get into the meat of the writing process, and of course it's the day before. I really need to develop better writing timeline processes. I guess I'll just stay up to work on this. And maybe bring it home for Thanksgiving to work on it.

New word of the day: belletristic. What a beautiful word to describe elegant writing!

I can keep silent no longer. But silence is still needed. I shall bide my time.

I don't think all typing is good for my wrists. But what can I do?

Am I deluding myself by saying that I can only focus on writing at night, or when I have a deadline to meet? Would I really produce better work if I wrote more organizedly, with more time?

Focus, girl, focus.

My mind be all over the place.

Nelson fever

LOL I just got a missed call from some random number, so I called back and this lady picks up the phone and denies that she called me..."No, I didn't call you, my phone must've called you." okay lady...

So I've been really really super quiet on this blog lately...for the past...4, 5 days? The reason is, of course, that I've been super busy. Like, ridiculously. Last week most evenings 6-11 were taken up by Jukebox rehearsals and performances. This week is Brahms/John Nelson week, so 2 or 3 hour rehearsals everyday. Not nearly as long as Jukebox, so I still have time to practice, but it's extremely taxing on my voice. I can't imagine how all the voice majors do it...practicing voice on top of 3 hr choir rehearsals.

But we're singing with the Orchestra for the Brahms and the Band for the new commissioned work so I guess it's worth it. No, it definitely is worth it. I get goose bumps every time we sing the "Denn allles Fleisch..." part (All flesh is as the grass, etc.). And I've never sung with a band so that's new and exciting. A lot of people seem to not like the Kellogg piece, but I actually really enjoy it. It's a very unique text and there are some almost ethereal parts, despite the big band. I won't say much more than that since Saturday will after all be the world premiere. ;)

And whew, having Maestro Nelson conduct us is an experience in itself. He's simply amazing. One of my friends remarked that he didn't know M. Nelson was such a big deal. This was after the Q&A session we had with him for Wednesdays at 3:15. He has such a beautiful conducting style - precise yet passionate. I think he's going to be my conducting hero. I so so so enjoy it. And to know your conductor is a Christian who believes the text, yet immensely successful in the world. Wow. I'm in awe.

Back to the Q&A session - not only is he a phenomenal conductor & musician, he's also very personable. He answered questions about integrating his faith with his work, how he met his wife, how his time at Wheaton affected him. Then someone asked him to tell us about the pranks he pulled with Dr. Whitaker when they were students here. So he told us some really funny stories. His story about his wife was great too. I asked him if he could tell us about a piece of music that was especially meaningful to him. At first he went off on a tangent about how people in interviews always asked him about his favorite composer or favorite music and how he never could answer those questions because everything is so different and they bring unique aspects to music as a whole. I was afraid he was saying my question was silly and regular. But then he said, "But you're asking me about a piece of music that has special meaning. Well, if I could only conduct one more piece, my last work, it would have to be the St. Matthew Passion." Wowza. To think he would choose that just blows my min. In a good way.

After rehearsal yesterday, Zanna suggested we go up and thank him for the rehearsal. At first I was hesitant because he was busy and I was like...two measly freshmen going to say "hi"? But Zanna convinced me, so we went up and introduced ourselves. Boy, am I glad we did. He asked Suzanna about her heritage and talked about India. He tried out his Chinese on me, ni hao and xie xie. :D It was great. boy oh boy. I am so excited for Saturday right now.

Except have to start working on my paper. Well, Schumann, good friend of Brahms, you shall soon be my good friend as well. Nuthin' can put me down!

I went to the Career Services office today to talk to the Study Abroad lady. Looks like my best bet right now would be to wait until Spring of Junior year, so all my required music theory classes are done with. That way I could even focus on English that sem, taking private lessons on the side, which would give me options. I think I'm looking at the UK (England, Scotland, OR Ireland. Or maybe even Wales...after all I've never been there. Well I've never been to England either.), Italy, or China. We shall see and we shall see.

LESS THAN A WEEK TILL THANKSGIVING WOOT WOOT

late night essay writing

So unfocused. My brain's all over the place. Thinking about how I didn't get to practice today because my stupid wrists started hurting. How I wasted the afternoon and am therefore trying to finish an essay due in 12 hours. The event Chorale sang at tonight. The yummy desserts. How I played "dinner music" after not having practiced. How I'll fit in practice time tomorrow. Whether I'll go to breakfast. If the talent show is really worth it...I mean, waiting in line for two hours? Of course I already bought my ticket.

Then people issues. Of course. Always. How I've been so awful in keeping up with my friends back home. I don't know what's going on in their lives. Wanting to stay in touch but not having the time to do it. Then all my friends here...living with people can get on my nerves. Some little habits, ways of viewing things. man. Sometimes they just irritate me. Maybe especially now because my hormones are out of whack. whatever.

Which reminds me of chapel this morning. I don't want to be a whatever person. I care. I really do. It's just so hard when I let school get in the way. And school wouldn't be in the way if facebook wasn't in the way.

Must. Focus. On. Task. and go to sleep. -_-

to continue my poor choices

A loose syllogism:

College students are prone to do stupid things.

Serenity is a college student.

Therefore, Serenity does stupid things.

Shh, I know my logic doesn't hold water. It dun hold nothin', actually. Though I would like to say I was one of few who actually knew what my theory prof was talking about when he went off on a tangent about symbolic logic, all those sideways "U"s and tildas and whatnot. My logic studies have paid off! By allowing me to feel superior! ahem. yes. well.

So what stupid thing did you do, you ask? Well, I went trick-or-treating today. Trick-or-treating itself isn't stupid, per se, but the fact that I'm 18 and a college student and had a load of unfinished homework to do made it stupid. First time yo. I enjoy all the candy I got and hanging out with friends, but still, looking back (3 hours later ha) it was definitely one of the not-so-smart things I've done since coming to college. Hence the staying up and homeworking marathon right now. I just ate a cookie bar and drank some green tea, so I'm not super sleepy yet.

List of Not-So-Smart Things Serfy-the-College-Student Has Done:

1. Get an F in Music Theory on a homework assignment.

2. Unmentionable on this site. Involves a lake at night.

3. Go trick-or-treating instead of homeworking.

Hopefully this list won't get any longer.

I was also thinking that I should list all the performances I've attended so far, and start posting about all the recitals I attend from here on. Those are the things I want to look back on and remember, not the trivial things I did in my spare time.

Off to brainstorm and outline my paper...I've decided to change my topic to a more palatable subject. Hopefully it will work out. I have about 7 hours to make it work.

feminism, femininity?

I've chosen to write about American Girl dolls for my next essay on "the consumer gaze." I think I talked about it here already so I won't go into what I'm writing about. What I want to talk about and perhaps rant about is the sources I have to use. We have to use at least two sources, so I spent some time researching in the library and came up with some stuff. There's actually quite a bit out there about AG, how they're marketed, the effect they have had on girls, even stuff like the political ideologies embedded in them. I was a little surprised. But that's all good for my purposes, more sources to quote, right?

Well, the one book I interlibrary-loaned is called "Debutantes and Delinquents" and is basically a collection of essays by women on girlhood, girls, how they're portrayed, what types of media are aimed at them. What annoys me most is the emphasis on how all the depictions of girls are "traditional." Needless to say most of the authors in there are really liberal/progressive and want us to rise up against motherhood and all that good stuff.

I read one line that complained about the dearth of literature for girls, and I was like, really? Are you kidding me??? Because growing up I had no trouble finding plenty of interesting books with female protagonists - Little Women, P&P, Anne of Green Gables, Little House books, Betsy and Tacy. Seriously. When Stephen was looking for good books to read, I couldn't think of much because these were all "girly" books. Then I read a bit more and realised that the author was talking about how all these books still depicted girls "traditionally" and encouraged them to fall into conventional roles - mothers, demure, secondary to men.

[continued on the next day]

So I don't exactly know where I'm going with this. I haven't thought through gender roles and feminism and all that stuff well enough to discuss it intelligently. To be honest, it's always been one of those topics that I just dismiss because I find it too troubling. So maybe this paper will be good for me because it will force me to think more about some of these things.

I pray for discernment.

and so it continues

I have returned! I forgot to blog before I left for HoneyRock for fall break, hence the silence. I just wrote an uber-long email to family about it so I don't feel like recapping it here. But I'll probably be posting journal entires I wrote while I was there, so hold on to that thought.

Right now is a perfect example of not seizing the moment (and throttling it...jkjk). I had quite a few splendiferous topics I wanted to write about throughout the day but I've forgotten them all now because I didn't write it down. Wait. I wrote a note to myself to blog about pathos, logos, and ethos. We talked about that today in writing. Except right now my brain is too fried to think about that properly. See what I mean?

Wednesdays are crazy right now. Three classes, Conserv recital, choir, and now work. I got a job at CPO! It's a bit more complicated than I expected but NUTHIN' I CAN'T HANDLE! :D Except it means I'm going nonstop from 0800-1800. Plus practice after that, which essentially means I go from 0800-2130. TIME TO SLEEP.

::edit::

Ah, I remember one more thing I wanted to blog about. A friend linked to this post about how men should respect women. I read it even though it's intended for guys to read, and I'm so glad I did. It was a very timely reminder of what I should be looking for in a guy- not to compromise because my "pool" of eligible guys sometimes seems so weak, but to hold out for that guy who will be the spiritual and physical leader of the household. And not to want a man when I clearly am not ready for marriage and therefore have no right to be toying with that type of relationship.

three by Amy Carmichael

We've been singing three beautiful texts by Amy Carmichael in Women's Chorale. I'm touched every time I sing them and wanted to share. This is a woman who gave up many dreams, albeit conventional ones, gave up comfort, to serve needy women in India. She suffered physically from disease, yet remained with her girls. She never married (who knows if she had the gift of celibacy?) and yet was content with her place in life. Would that I could aspire to be more like her. Meditate.

Rock of My Heart

Rock of my heart and my Fortress Tow'r,
Dear are Thy thoughts to me.
Like the unfolding of leaf or flow'r,
Opening silently.

And on the edge of these Thy ways,
Standing in awe as heretofore,
Thee do I worship,
Thee do I praise,
And adore.

Rock of my heart and my Fortress Tow'r,
Dear is Thy love to me.
Search I the world for a word of pow'r,
Find it at Calvary.

O deeps of love that rise and flow
Round about me and all things mine,
Love of all loves,
In Thee I know,
Love Divine.


Love's Eternal Wonder

Lord, beloved, I would ponder
Breadth and length and depth and height
Of Thy love's eternal wonder,
All embracing, infinite

Never, never have I brought Thee
Gold and frankincense and myrrh,
In the hands that groping, sought Thee
Precious treasures never were

What was that to Thee?
The measure of Thy love was Calvary.
Stooping low, Love found a treasure
In the least of things that be.

O the Passion of Thy loving,
O the Flame of Thy desire,
Melt my heart with Thy great loving,
Set me all aglow, afire.


Before the Winds That Blow Do Cease

Before the winds that blow do cease,
Teach me to dwell within thy calm;
Before the pain has passed in peace,
Give me, my God, to sing a psalm.
Let me not lose the chance to prove the fulness of enabling love.

O Love of God, do this for me
Maintain a constant victory

Before I leave the desert land for meadows of immortal flow'rs,
Lead me where streams at Thy command flow by the borders of the hours,
That when the thirsty come,
I may show them the fountains in the way.

O Love of God, do this for me
Maintain a constant victory.
Amen.

writing

Writing. I used to have a love-hate relationship with it, for sure. Memories of crying over one paragraph book reports that took me 3 hours and staying up till 2am to finish CWG assignments. But at the same time there was the quest for the perfect word to fit in that spot, to put words down in a way that would speak to the reader. Of course that's only when I cared. Sometimes I was content to just let mediocre language appear in Times New Roman, usually when it was past 1am. And I didn't feel a need to try harder, because I still got high marks on my work. Bad habit, I know.

I have to say in general it's still the same way right now. I write better when I leave myself more time. I still get a good grade when I churn out the four page essay the night before. But now I enjoy it more. I enjoy the outcome of a paper I'm content with and know I put effort into. I even almost enjoy the process of producing the paper. Almost. And I still get good grades on them. I had a one-on-one conference with my writing prof today and she was surprised I wasn't planning to be an English major because I was a good writer. Well, it's definitely good to know my writing is worth something. I was planning to register for another writing class next sem anyway because it turned out to be much funner than I expected. And it's a good break from mooozik.

Jukebox rehearsal tonight, let's see how it goes.

brain dump

I'm having trouble deciding what to write my next paper on. The main theme/topic is travel, but I can't decided what place I want to write about. The easy choice would probably be Shanghai/Hong Kong, since that's what's freshest in my memory and I'm older and can process things better. But I feel almost like that would be a cop-out. And there's not any one instance that really stands out to me. Plus I've been thinking and writing sooo much about Asian-ness since coming here that it's almost sickening. I sound so awful right now but it's almost true.

I'm even more confused now about the whole identity thing. Am I Chinese or American or Chinese American? What do these labels mean? I'm Chinese, heritage-wise. I know that for sure. I am of Chinese descent, I have the yellow-toned olive skin of the Chinese, the black straight hair, the flat nose. So I look different. I speak Cantonese, a language clearly very different from English. I like to eat Chinese food. I miss Chinese food now that I've gone 1.5 months without real Chinese food. But are there some essential qualities that identify me as Chinese? Is it tradition? A way of viewing the world?

This extends to friendships too. Do I relate to Asians, Chinese in particular, better because we share that common racial bond? I used to think so. For example Jo and I got along very well but she didn't quite understand the Asian mindset. What is the Asian mindset? Grades money success? But then I never felt entirely comfortable with, say, church people either. Either they were too hung up on AP classes and SAT scores, or they were immersed in kpop and Taiwanese dramas, or they were so liberal it was nauseating, or they didn't get homeschoolers. So maybe it's not true. Since coming to Wheaton I haven't interacted much with Asians. My suitemate and Zanna, pretty much, a couple upperclassmen in my studio. I didn't join the Asian fellowship and I don't know why. I went to the OMD reception and at first I was happy to see all the culture there but I didn't feel comfortable/entirely welcomed. Oh, they weren't unfriendly, but I just didn't like it. Ugh. I don't know what's up with me.

Am I simply rebelling against that "Asian" label? Because lots of people have been telling me to join Koinonia but I just never did. The first time it was a time issue, and then later it was partly time and partly because I didn't want to.

My conversation with Serena rocked my world though. She totally understood where I was coming from and said she felt much the same way when she was here. Just trying to reconcile the two different parts, and she still doesn't have any answers.

At the same time I don't think of myself as entirely Americanized. Do I want to disassociate from American culture because of the trash that comes with it? Mainly the media and the morals. And yet, I feel an intense patriotism for my country that most Asian Americans don't feel. My patriotism stems from a deep appreciation for the freedom that we have in this country. Not so much the political system or the historical aspect, but a deep desire to preserve and spread the freedom of many things that we have in this country.

I suppose that's why I wanted ROTC so bad. So I could feel like I was contributing to preserving that freedom. But in that way I'd be serving my country, not all of which I agree with. I heard another absolutely different view about war/peace the other day that I had never quite heard though. And from someone I deeply respect too. Basically he's almost a Mennonite and believes in pacifism/non-violence. He believes that God calls us to lead peaceful lives and not fight through the example that Jesus set in the NT. Beyond that, he believes that Christians should not get involved with organized government...I forgot quite what his reasoning for that was. I think it was something along the lines of we are but strangers in this world, travelling through to heaven, so we should not build up earthly things like that. I wonder what he thinks about social justice. LIke the times when the only way to help the poor and hurting is through the government. Should you work with and for them then?

I've had so many questions running through my head lately. Just so many random things have happened and I haven't been quiet enough to process all of them properly.

Like the Dugle family. Even though I never knew them very well, I knew they were a great family and I am extraordinarily saddened by their loss. I know Mrs. Dugle had been struggling with her condition for a while, but still, I can't imagine how hard it is on Schuyler. All I can do is keep praying and praying for him.

Then last night's movie made me think about patriotism all over again. and unfulfilled love. Patriotism because obviously it was a war movie and full of heroes and non-heroes. Heroes who were willing to sacrifice their lives for their country. Unfulfilled love, such aching passion that could not be consummated, and again for country. Could I do that for my country? I almost feel like it would be harder to do that for God. Because I know he's in control and it's essentially his "fault" if I didn't get married.

But the chapel speaker a couple days ago reminded me that God does call certain people to singleness - whether for a lifetime or for a longer period of waiting time. And for many it's hard to be content in that place. I wonder how I will feel if I am 40 and unmarried and childless.

Ah brain dumps. I just spent half an hour writing instead of practicing. And there's still so much to mull over. Was it worth it? I really can't say. Anyway it's dinnertime.

12 September 2010

Another reason I started this blog is because my writing professor encouraged us to write down our thoughts and ideas as soon as they hit us, instead of waiting for a "good" time to sit down and flesh it out. Often when we reach that "good" time, we are in an entirely different mood and what comes out is totally different from our original intent. So since I'm lugging around my laptop a lot of the time now, and writing with pen and paper is slower than I like, I'm going to try this.

I attended the other Chinese church today. (I'm not going to put names so this won't show up in search engines...hopefully.) Compared to home church, the English congregation is tiny. Really sparse. But quite a few people actually came up to welcome me, and then introduce me to other people, so I actually felt like I had some sort of personal connection. And it turns out one of the seniors in my studio goes there too, so that was nice. The pastor is really young...the overall feel is very informal. I sorta felt bad for him because his entire sermon he was holding the mic. But what he said was sound, if not as insightful as Pastor Tim or Pastor Wilson. Dr. Pun found me after service and we lunched together, he prayed for me. Then chatted with some guys for a bit. I had to stay until 1500 because my ride had a meeting, so I wandered around the building, tried to hack into the sanctuary piano which was locked, and finally settled down outside to read Phantastes.

Phantastes is so far unlike any other book I've ever read. It's like a grown-up fairy tale, complete with fairies and goblins and knights and King Arthur. Crazy. Crazy good, that is. Can't wait to get enough time to finish it.

Some of the girls decided to watch The Pursuit of Happyness tonight and I decided foolishly to watch with them...but halfway through I realized I still had work to do and stopped...so I still have some homework to do right now. sigh. Really gotta work on self-control and time management. Off to read an essay for Writing...