in the spirit of full disclosure...

I shall write now about anything and everything, and maybe awkward things.

I walked downtown today, because I wanted to check out the popcorn store (and maybe buy some to send to a certain someone who is currently out of country) that Wheaton is famous for. Apparently it's the narrowest store in the world/country? and it's supposed to be awesome and everything. But. I was less than impressed. The candy was all commonplace stuff you'd find in any supermarket, and the popcorn was...well, I didn't really get in to see the popcorn since there were people in the way. So I'm not dissing their popcorn, but suffice to say it was in paper bags and therefore would not survive a week+ long trip in a box.

I ended up walking all the way to Caribou Coffee (about 15 min from campus) to study. I managed to write most of my poem there, so it was mostly productive. Caribou is definitely a nicer place to study than Starbucks. For one they just have more space. Walking back I also passed another non-chain coffee shop, i.e. not La Spiaza, that I think I'll try next time I go downtown to study (Saturday?)

I was getting sort of annoyed by my oily scalp recently, so I just googled "oily scalp" and found some simple ways that just might help me get it less oily. It's annoying you know, having to wash my hair everyday when it's getting so long.

Care group today was a huge blessing, as usual. We had some together time just sharing and laughing and praying, then we split into guys and girls. It was lovely to spend time with such a wise group of women. We did talk about "girl things", yes, guys, mainly. But in a very God-honoring way of how to wait patiently for them, to respect them. It's just interesting to see the different stages we're at - one married, two sort of going through break-ups, and two who've never had a boyfriend.

Then when we got back, had a long discussion with Zanna that somehow moved into modesty and honoring our brothers in Christ. I don't remember how we got started, but mummies and clowns were in there along the way.

In Asian Lit today, Dr. N showed us a youtube video of the process of dressing up in a kimono. One wears 10+ layers of sumptuous silk, layered to create a beautiful color gradient. Fascinating! I wonder if there's similar stuff online of traditional formal Chinese-wear. But Zanna and I were just wondering how in the world they could go to the bathroom in those things. gee. It must be difficult and awkward. Sometimes I get annoyed just have to unbutton and unbelt and unzip my pants.

Dr. H has asked me to be the primary accompanist for WC next year. I feel like I'm on MG level!

note: I do put abbreviations because I'm writing about a whole bunch of real people, and because the main purpose of this blog is as a personal record. So down the road I'll probably know who I'm talking about if I just put J, but if you don't...sorry!

Chopin is like a piece of dark chocolate

Chopin shall always forever be my favorite composer. Passion and virtuosity, depth, brilliance. Too bad he's such a pianistic composer...so other musicians don't appreciate him as much. I thought of my title randomly while practicing yesterday. And put it down in my little notebook so I don't forget it like I do half of my other blog post ideas. But yes, Chopin is like a piece of dark chocolate - always satisfying, hits the spot, good for you, scrumptious, and if you get 70% or more, full of flavorful depth. ;) I should rename my old blog "Chocolate and Chopin" instead of "coffee and clementines."

Why is there always so much guy-girl drama? Well the obvious answer is that God created men and women to be attracted to each other and so whenever the two are in proximity to each other, stuff happens. Sometimes...I almost wish I wasn't attracted to guys. They're so distracting sometimes. Like one little comment from a guy or something he does can throw my mood off for the rest of my day. Okay, that makes it sound extreme. It's not like my mood totally depends on guys, but I am affected by them. I hate it though. I wish I didn't care. Does this mean I'm insecure? That I'm not totally assured of my worth and identity in Christ? I always thought I was a pretty well-grounded person...

Yesterday and today I was feeling sorta weird. In a funky mood. hence the cryptic pointless post last night. I didn't feel like being sociable. In fact I felt like tearing someone to pieces. verbally, that is. It was terrible. Maybe I'm feeling the strain of always being polite and friendly here. I mean, the only person I can be remotely free with is Zanna. And even then, I can't lash out like I do to my family. Not like I should even do that. Are my actions a fake then? Do I not really act as I feel? But I shouldn't give into every impulse like that.

ah. I need time to stop and think. I'm always going going going.

more exploring of cultural differences

Today was a rather chill Wednesday. Surprisingly I didn't feel stressed or overwhelmed. The only weird part was theory this morning. Our class is prone to go off on tangents, especially if K or P ask a random question. And we really were awful in terms of paying attention this morning. What followed hopefully shook some people up. But perhaps not...as I will show later.

So while trying to answer a really easy question, someone mentioned that K wasn't there and wasn't asking questions. So Prof G. mentions offhandedly that he wouldn't be with us any longer and that he had dropped out of the conserv. Which immediately caused a ruckus, everyone was like, "wait what, we thought he loved theory!" Prof G. tries to quiet us down and return to the question. Meanwhile some members of the class are still exclaiming over K, so it's definitely sort of chaotic still. Finally Prof G. loses it and leaves the room. Comes back and starts over. Asks some guy the same question. Guy hasn't been paying attention and so fails to answer the question. Prof G. gets really quietly angry and stops teaching. He puts up a class exercise and tells us we have the last 15 minutes of class to do it. By this time the tension is so thick you could feel it smothering everyone. so. awkward. Everyone is absolutely silent. He leaves the room as we start and comes back and just sits there. I felt soooo bad. Honestly, even though I hadn't done anything personally. After we finish he gives us a talking to. I agreed with most of what he said. Basically we had taken the joking too far, we were disrespectful by falling asleep and stuff.

But. apparently some people didn't quite agree as much as I did. I talked with one kid later about it and he didn't feel bad at all. He thought it was Prof G.'s fault that the class always went off on tangents because Prof G. himself always makes funny/sarcastic comments. I was so surprised when he said that. I had never even considered the idea that it was the professor's fault. I think I'm so deeply imbedded with the idea of respect for authority/teachers that Chinese culture dictates that I've never considered that possibility. I just assume that they're right, that they're smarter than me. Well, no. Not always. I think I always respect them no matter whether they know a lot or not. Yeah. Even if I disagree with them, I still respect them. Americans can be so disrespectful. American teenagers especially. Texting during class, during chapel, falling asleep all over the place, cutting classes indiscriminately. And they wouldn't agree that they were being disrespectful. They have no concept of that.

Sigh.

oh, finally met one of the ROTC guys. Through church. engage guy radar, mmhmm. LOL did I just say that out loud? yep. It's true though. And he's a really sweet guy. Just keepin' my eye out for potentials. I promise I won't be silly about guys until forever.

creative title coming up juices have disappeared

yep. they're all "my weird day", and "what a crazy day." Can't seem to find any creativity nowadays. So...here's how my day went down yo.

I skipped breakfast because I stayed up really late homeworking last night. So that was abnormal. Then little things like forgetting my phone and my shoelaces coming untied kept annoying me in the morning. I felt so petty and unsettled. Just a very inexplicable feeling. My day did get better though. It was pretty regular in general until the evening.

With every mealtime comes the minor anxiety of "who am I going to eat with?" It is minor because I actually enjoy eating alone sometimes, though people don't always understand it. I guess I am concerned about what people will think though..."she's such a loner" or "she must be lonely." Normally I don't like it when people act like that, but today was different. I was sitting by myself in the middle of saga, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked up to see the T7 RA and JA smiling down at me. They asked me if I minded sitting alone. I was sort of confused, so I was like...um, not really...but you can join me if you like...? Turns out they were done already, but A said, "If you want someone to sit with, there's a table of T7 guys over there who would love to eat with their sister." And then I couldn't see the table, so JA pulled my chair out so I could see and pushed me back in. Too sweet. I love those guys.

Turned pages for Dr. Horn during the concerto competition tonight. I like turning pages, though it can be a little stressful. So many good pianists! I heard that R won, though I'm not absolutely sure.

Well I'm bone tired. g'night

a very long Saturday

ahh I haven't been posting as often as I did or as I would like. I've had a lot busier schedule in general this quad - not so much free time in between things. The little time I have between classes and choir I try to snatch for practicing. So even when I think of things to write about I don't have time to do it right away and put if off till evening, by which time I'm usually so brain-fried that I can't write well about anything. Oh the dilemmas of life. xD

Anyway, about today - mainly it was just long. It was good but long. also, I should be asleep now. But I'm not, obviously. The fact that I just took the time to say that shows that I'm tired.

Wow, way to go in circles about nothing. I'll just dive right in...

0900-1215: Jukebox rehearsal. Went through Acts I and II laboriously. It was painful. That's all I have to say.

After lunch, got ready for the roulette. A roulette is apparently a Wheaton tradition. Basically, a bunch of girls, usually on the same floor, set up blind dates for their roommates and everyone "goes out" together and does something fun. Yeah, it sounds sorta weird, especially for a place like Wheaton. I thought it was really strange when I first heard about it. But I was told it was chill and just supposed to be a chance to get to know a guy you might not have really known, so I went along with it.

My floor had our roulette at a nearby park. We carved pumpkins, ate food, had a three-legged race, and played games like Signs. So it was good, wholesome fun, for the most part. And it was a lot less awkward than I had been anticipating. In fact, I had a lot of fun. My date was a really sweet freshman from our brother floor (Zanna you picked well :D). I did get to know him a little bit better so I guess it fulfilled its purpose. We beasted at Signs...only got in the center once. xD

After we got back and ate dinner, Zann and I and a couple other girls headed right over to Edman for the Bayanihan National Dance performance. Quite exciting. It reminded me of Chinese performances like that, but there was also a lot of Spanish influence. A really neat blend. Oh yeah, forgot to mention they're a Filipino company.

Then we rushed back to Smith-Traber to catch the tail end of bro sis worship. They were pretty much just chilling by that time, just jamming and singing. Finally got to see P and J's room, which is as epic as I've been told. Wide screen TV + L-shaped couch makes for some pretty crazy configs.

SLEEP

and so it continues

I have returned! I forgot to blog before I left for HoneyRock for fall break, hence the silence. I just wrote an uber-long email to family about it so I don't feel like recapping it here. But I'll probably be posting journal entires I wrote while I was there, so hold on to that thought.

Right now is a perfect example of not seizing the moment (and throttling it...jkjk). I had quite a few splendiferous topics I wanted to write about throughout the day but I've forgotten them all now because I didn't write it down. Wait. I wrote a note to myself to blog about pathos, logos, and ethos. We talked about that today in writing. Except right now my brain is too fried to think about that properly. See what I mean?

Wednesdays are crazy right now. Three classes, Conserv recital, choir, and now work. I got a job at CPO! It's a bit more complicated than I expected but NUTHIN' I CAN'T HANDLE! :D Except it means I'm going nonstop from 0800-1800. Plus practice after that, which essentially means I go from 0800-2130. TIME TO SLEEP.

::edit::

Ah, I remember one more thing I wanted to blog about. A friend linked to this post about how men should respect women. I read it even though it's intended for guys to read, and I'm so glad I did. It was a very timely reminder of what I should be looking for in a guy- not to compromise because my "pool" of eligible guys sometimes seems so weak, but to hold out for that guy who will be the spiritual and physical leader of the household. And not to want a man when I clearly am not ready for marriage and therefore have no right to be toying with that type of relationship.

getting it out

How do I know if it's about me? I can't tell. I wish I could get inside your mind. How was I supposed to know you liked me if you were always involved with someone else? That's just stupid. If you never went for me I guess I didn't really mean that much anyway. You know what, maybe it's not me. I'm just reading too much into this. But oh, how I wish I could tell you what I feel! I've always admired you and you know it. Haven't I written e-notes and said encouraging things to you enough? I always felt like I was putting myself out there. Maybe I'm still too reserved. Do I have to be more demonstrative? Are there no guys who are willing to take a chance on me? To run after me and capture my heart?

I'm so frustrated. No. I'm just sad. I feel like I lost someone...who I never had in the first place. What a great way to start my Friday. Sometimes I wonder at myself.

Who am I kidding? As if anything now would lead anywhere. We're too young for love. I should just get over this. I'm tired of trying to talk to you and conversations being awkward. You felt like it was one-sided? I feel like it's completely me. No, that's false. You put yourself in sometimes. But still, what am I supposed to do?

You know what? Forget it. He's probably talking to someone else. I'm getting all worked up over nothing. As usual.