words words words

It's sad that I've lost the compulsion to write. I guess in a way it's a good thing for me, since that means I've lost the need to relieve stress in that way. Or maybe it means that I just don't have time to let myself think about stress and so have to dwell on it and get it out.

Anyway I haven't blogged or even journaled for a while. Maybe a week. I think, maybe because I've talked so much to various people that anything I put down here will feel like a rehashing of my conversations, yet another "person" to tell the same story too. But if I don't write it down in "ink" somewhere, then my words live only in my own memory and in the memories of others. And memory, as we all know, is short-lived. I shan't be able to look back in 20 years and know what I was thinking right now, today, through my memory.

These past few weeks, the start of the semester, have been weird. "Rough", is the word I've been using. Spring semester feels like a continuation of the school year, well, it is, and not nearly as easing into as fall semester. Homework piles up in the first few days, and tests and exams have come and gone already. It's as if...we never left. So on that front I've been a teeny bit overwhelmed.

Then practicing...I've lost a bit of motivation. Or maybe direction. Just not as super excited about my practicing. Or maybe I'm not perfectionist enough. I don't feel challenged by my pieces...but it's not like I'm giving 100% to them yet. So it's not that I'm not challenged, but just too lazy to perfect them.

Then of course there's the added work of Encampment. Let's just say it can be super stressful. I feel like I'm caught in the middle a lot of the times. I'm the primary line of communication between the cadet staff and the command staff, so basically I'm supposed to stay in close contact with 6+ people. And by close contact I mean at least one phone call a week to each of them. I have to learn not to have my opinion swayed so easily and to think and talk on my feet more persuasively.

Cadet staff review boards are coming up this weekend, and though I'm super excited and pumped, I'm also a little nervous. I feel as if I've got something to prove, and in a way I do. I have to prove to the cadet applicants that I will be an effective CC, that I am someone they can look up to. I'm at a disadvantage for several reasons: I'm a girl, I'm not going into the military, I'm not going into aviation, I'm not super physically fit. Advantages might be: I'm smart, I'm older and in college, I'm a girl. Yes, I am aware that I put "girl" in both categories. In an organization that's made up of 90% guys, it can work to my advantage. But sometimes it's also inconvenient.

There, I'm voicing my fears. Someone once told me that if I wrote out my fears on a piece of paper, all of a sudden they might sound a lot less menacing.

I believe that I communicate way better in writing than in speaking. Simply having time to think out what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say makes so much more sense to me. That's why I sound like I have no opinion of my own when I'm on the phone. Because I can't evaluate what the other person is saying and make a judgment right away. Something to do with my ears and learning style. I'm definitely not an auditory learner. If I see words on paper or the screen I can process them so much more efficiently.

But then my problem in writing is that I write unnaturally. Perhaps not now, because I happen to be simply spitting words out lickety-split without even the usual editing I do as I write anything else. But when I sit down and think about dialogue in my short story and try to write it out truthfully, it comes out stilted and archaic. A guy in my writing class commented that the way my characters were talking, he thought they were in the 19th century, so that when I mentioned the sports car, he felt a jarring sense of anachronism.

I'm coming to see that perhaps my gift isn't in writing. That is, I possess the ability to clearly communicate my thoughts in writing, and can use that as needed in whatever area of life, but I don't have the mind of a professional writer, or passionate writer. I don't feel compelled to write stories, and I don't have the vivid imagination of say, my mom even, that enables me to see that which is not, much less to describe it to anyone else in a coherent and engaging manner.

An exercise in free-writing, perhaps? I certainly didn't expect this to flow out so volubly and easily.

weary

I can't get sick I can't get sick I won't get sick I won't get sick

going gaga

So the big news these days at Wheaton, specifically around the conserv, is the Artist Series concert on Saturday night which will feature Mr. Charlie Siem. Mr. Charlie Siem is, ahem, a young violinist from the UK, with good hair and an even better stylist. Oh, he also is somewhat of a violin virtuoso. That's rather important, isn't it? See, the thing is, Wheaton is capitalizing on Mr. Charlie Siem's good looks, as is every other venue he plays at, with countless posters featuring his good looks. Seriously, I've never seen so many posters for an Artist Series concert. You enter the conserv and Charlie's there to greet you. You go to the bathroom and there he is on the door. You walk up to Smaber and there is staring moodily at you from the glass.

I'm not complaining. He is "easy on the eyes." Still, even within the conserv, where there are plenty of people who appreciate classical music, there is an unnatural amount of emphasis on his appearance. It's not even that much, I guess I'm just more aware of it because usually no reference is made to how the performer looks.

Okay, he is rather dreamy. And, real reason for this post, in the spirit of full disclosure: Guess who I just saw and walked past several times in Saga (that's right, our dining hall)?

Yep, Charlie Siem. I went back to my table, where I was sitting with a bunch of 1Southers and T7ers and announced that I had just seen Charlie in our very own Saga, and the girls immediately went gaga- "Omgosh he's so hot" "WHAT?! WHERE?!" LOL it was hilarious. The guys were obviously not feeling awkward at all.

but c'mon, he's one of those people who look even better in real life than on a poster. :D

That said, can we hear the man play. I can't wait for the concert on Saturday.

我是中國人

今天晚上我從McAlister行回到房間時，突然想起用中文寫blog。我不能自己寫出中文字，但是我可以用電腦和互聯網找出正確的字。當然，我搵出來的字或許可能不對，但是可以practice少少.

haha. I am having too much fun. Time to look into the Mac Mandarin input thingy Daddy sent me a loooong time ago. It was just soo cold walking back that I had to think happy thoughts to get my mind off my frostbitten ears and nose, so I started composing a blog post in Chinese. Amazing what copy/paste and the internet can help you do these days.

So, gonna be a crazy busy semester, so busy that I haven't had down time to want to blog yet. I'm gonna be writing so much for Creative Writing, not to mention random essays for other classes, that I probably won't have too much time to blog. Unless I get writer's block again. Which I probably will.

I was looking at my fingers today and realized my pen callus on my third finger is almost gone! A sign that I am using the laptop much more than the pencil? hmm

I discovered yesterday that I actually like running now. As long as I'm not huffing and puffing. The air inside the SRC is more controlled than outside, so my lungs don't get irritated as easily from the pollen and dust and germs outside. But hopefully even running inside will help my lungs get stronger so running outside will be slightly easier.

ahhh encampment. I can do it!

Less than 36 hours back at Wheaton and I already feel the need to blog...oh boy. This is gonna be one long semester. Though one of the sophs just told me spring sem always goes by a lot quicker...I dunno. We'll see.

I have a feeling I'll have to be even less sociable this sem. I sorta expected that but it's annoying. argh. But on the other hand, that will teach me to budget what time I have to chill to be more productive. Scheduling more saga dates is probably a good start...I've got to eat so why not eat with a friend and get to know them on a deeper level at the same time. But then I've always got the awful feeling of multitasking and not putting the person first. Then again that's what everyone does, we're all busy people.

uh. I had a lot to say like 10 minutes ago. But not anymore. haha.

Well, classes start tomorrow. Here weee goooo