whirlwind

Hi. I'd just like to let you know that I'm suffering from a lack of contact with certain friends back home right now. :( It's been so, so lovely reconnecting with all my Wheaton friends, but some people back home I just can't get off my mind. I read someone's cheesy Facebook status yesterday about how missing someone is when you're doing something and you wish they were there with you. Yeah, that's the way I feel about so much of this. Even simply walking through campus, or sitting in a restaurant, I wish it were with so-and-so. I. miss. people.

But really, it's been amazing how "whole" I've felt. It really is almost like coming home. The first night was the most lonely because it was SO quiet. I missed mommy and daddy and Stephen so much I almost cried then. But Kaitlyn came the day after, and more people, and now we've got a bunch of freshmen on the floor. I have started catching up with so many friends too...about our summers, life in general. Even people I didn't think I'd be so glad to see, and would be so glad to see me. I even talked with one of my senior conservie friends about the whole becoming a non-music-major thing...she's not sure she wants to continue with music either.

Work has been another actually good part of life. The work atmosphere at CPO has always been one of heavy sarcasm and indie music. It took me a little getting used to at first because I'm not always that quick-witted. But it's been great to be one of the experienced workers and to spend time, during work and meals, with a different set of people than I'd normally do.

I am off to write more essays yay...

PS...I suppose this is becoming more of a "time at Wheaton" blog than a "musings of a Wheaton freshman" blog, so it's time to change that blog description...

jumbled thoughts of a discontent mind

[I like the form of poetry, but I kind of fail at finding poetical ways to put things. I should stick with prose.]

If I could live on a mountaintop, free from the pollution of human bickering and the hum of machinery, my mind would be clear as the fresh piney air.

At least, that is the delusion I cling to. I keep expecting outward changes to make me feel better. A change of scenery, a change of friend groups. College vs home.

But instead, when I'm here, I wish I was there. When I'm doing this, I wish I could be doing that.

I am never content. Lately, I've been even more so.

I've been considering, very seriously, applying for the AFA Class of 2016. I felt slightly pathetic not being able to do ROTC this past year, but I realize now it's one or the other. It's impossible to mix both of my passions at this point. If I stay in the Conserv, there's no way I could do crosstown AFROTC. If I drop out of the Conserv and stay at Wheaton, I could probably juggle AFROTC, but why would I make my parents pay tens of thousands of dollars for a normal education? OH WAIT. AFROTC includes scholarships if I commit. But still...why?

So the way I see it, it's AFA or bust! Or rather, AFA, or piano performance at Wheaton.

But here comes the long list of problems.

First of all, would I even get into the AFA? That's kinda a toss up. All my life I've been humanities/arts, and now to enter a school where the core curric is mostly sciences? I have the high school creds and the SAT scores, but would I die of the academic workload? Athletics/general physical fitness is another area I'm super iffy on. No team sport, no consistent sport at all, and yeah, I kinda fail at running a mile anywhere near 8:00.

Points in my favor - I'd knock the leadership and non-athletic ECs outta the park. Earhart award? Check. Cadet Commander of CAP Encampment? Check. 14 years of piano? Check. Drama and choir for all of high school? Check. Plenty of volunteer service too. Also, I can BS my way out of anything that involves writing.

Yeah, that's lookin' a little scrawny. But. I have heard that the AFA, like any college, looks for diversity, so maybe it'd be kinda cool that I'm a bit...different?

And like my mom said, I could probably handle the academics. I'm smart, just super lazy.

Oh yeah, that's another thing...parents. um, in multiple ways. Yeah, M and D are mostly okay with it. Basically, they're like, if you get in, go for it. I think deep down they're kinda shocked that they've raised a daughter who's so gungho about the military, but they're rollin' with it. They're cool like that. But they have been saying, make sure you're not acting on a whim (I'm not!) and do you really think you can handle it?

It'd be the greatest achievement of my life if I got in, and if I graduated in four years, commissioning as an AF Lieutenant.

But. What about the rest of my life goals? You know, the "marry the best man in the world" part, and the "have 6 kids and homeschool them" part. It's kinda hard to homeschool when you're in the active duty. And I don't want to get married at 35...I wanna have kids early! Except...getting married involves finding a spouse and that part's totally out of my control anyway.

How do you know whether a desire you have comes from God, or from your own wayward heart? Is it only because I'm not in the musically-steeped environment of the Conserv that I've lost my passion to work hard for music?

But, I'm not giving up my musical dreams for a life of ease or anything. No, I'd have to work ten times as hard if I went to the AFA.

But what about the whole "where I am right now is right where God wants me" thing? I was so sure Wheaton was where God wanted me to be, and now, I'm not so sure. I want this other dream so badly, and I reason that it's now or never...why get stuck in a rut at so early an age?

See, I could go to the AFA, serve my time, all the while staying involved with my music stuff. Whereas...the other way round doesn't really work. Get my BM in piano at Wheaton then...what? Enlist in the USAF? Officership all the way, man. Enter the AFA class of 2018? Goodness. That's a little bit too long.

GAHH I wish God would tell me what to do. This is like college decisions all over again.

If I could do my life over...I'd not do ballet, join CAP at 12, get my private pilot's license at 16, get ground team certified at 16, do a sport, do IACE and PJOC, and apply for AFA Class of 2014. THAT'S WHAT ALL OF MY SONS ARE DOING.

food for thought

Whew, I haven't been here in a while. Really, I've been so busy that I've barely had a chance to settle down and write anything. Oh, I've felt the need to, but I just didn't have time.

Just came back from Mennonite dinner. Every Thursday evening, Dr Coolidge and her husband host students from Wheaton, and a guest speaker, serving a hearty home-cooked meal and lots of good conversation. Sometimes the guest is a Wheaton prof, sometimes a chapel speaker that week. Today was my first time, and the speaker was Dr Keith Johnson in the BITH department. He had moderated the "Patriots, Pacifists, and Peacemakers" panel discussion the night before. I had to leave almost right after they started, because I was supposed to play for G's lesson, but I'd already been there long enough to know that I want to go back! This is the sort of thinking and learning I want to do, in an organic, unstructured environment, with no lesson plan or end-of-course goals to fill. This will fit in very well with my schedule next year, so I will definitely make an effort to go.

Speaking of last night's panel - that was one fascinating evening. A panel of four profs, ranging from ultra-pacifist to strong proponent of just war, discussed questions such as "Is there such a thing as just war?", "Can a Christian killing another Christian ever be justified?", and "What is the role of a Christian in the military?" I took lots of notes, but I feel like we barely scratched the surface! I encountered terms like "just war tradition" that I've never even heard before. Definitely gave me lots to mull over...these are things that affect me deeply, as now, because of CAP, I have a lot of good friends going into or planning to join the military. Plus I'm glad I didn't jump into ROTC at the beginning of the year now, because I realize I've never thought through these things clearly.

Being a student at Wheaton is about so much more than sitting in a practice room and slaving over homework and trying to stay awake in classes. Even more than late night debates and conversations over Saga meals. There are simply so many rich resources like these lectures and gatherings that I need to take advantage of. I won't have the opportunity to do this once I leave...

stuck

Hi, it's me, procrastinating on a paper again. Sorta. I wanted to blog about weekend stuff anyway, so maybe I have an excuse?

I'm halfway into my Facebook fast for Lent. I'm really glad I had daddy change my password, otherwise I know I'd be weak and log on. It's awful, the first few days I gave it up, I almost had minor withdrawal symptoms. I felt mopey and just out of it and would spend time just looking at the FB login page. Yeah, I know, super lame. But doesn't that sound like I was addicted? Yep, it was definitely a good idea to get away from it, if only for 40 days.

Saturday was the Chorale concert. It went quite well, and our audience wasn't as small as I had worried it might be. There were apparently 500+ people at the Glee Club concert last week, but they were in Pierce so the house was packed. Edman, which seats ~2500, would look mostly empty with 500 people. Fortunately they roped off the two side sections and had everyone sitting in the middle so it looked better. :D

We sang quite well, I think. There were some spots where we were still unsure of ourselves, and as always, we could have had more expression and musicality in our singing. Like Dr. H was saying, we had to put on a rich "chocolate" concert, not a bland "vanilla" one. The difference between a women's choir and a men's choir is that men can just put on a tux and everyone will love them, whereas women somehow have to work a lot harder to be as popular. pft. whatever. The motions for No Thank You John went over quite well. I'd been a little "...uh...really?" about them. I thought they were a little lame but the audience seemed to like it, so that was good.

I didn't make any silly mistakes playing for the five Hebrew love songs, so that was good too. Afterwards a guy from my bro floor came up to me and was like, "I didn't know you played the piano until this evening!" Really, cadet, really? LOL I spend my whole day in the conserv...

Then yesterday we had our banquet. It was a splendid evening! Turned out almost better than I could imagine. Do you know, the night before I was subconsciously so worried about it that I had a strange dream about it. Usually the things that show up in my dreams are things that I've been thinking about a lot, whether I know it or not. My dream had something to do with not being able to find a ride, and stormy rain. I have no idea. haha.

I was going to try to get a bit of homework done in between church and getting ready, but I pretty much ended up coming back, napping, and then primping. hehe. such a girl. My hair was what took most of the time. I was wishing for curls, and K kindly offered to do it for me, so she spent an hour on that. But she did an amazing job...I'm really glad with the way it turned out. She has skillzzz :D I wore the red dress I wore for graduation (yay recycling!)

[This darn paper is ruining my life. Not really, but it really sucks to write papers with citations. This is why I am not an English Writing major. Research papers are the bane of my existence. I may or may not make it through the night.

well, I did make it through the night. Stayed up till 3am, and in peer review today C was like "uh...well, I think it doesn't quite answer the prompt..." Shoot me now.

Anyway, to continue the original purpose of the post...

The actual banquet was quite fun, nothing spectacular. We were in the outdoorsy banquet tent of a golf club, similar to biu-goh's wedding reception. Dinner was hearty, good food. We were sitting with K, of course, and Ana and Joy and Manny, who had all brought glee clubbers or concert choir guys. So I felt a bit bad for my and K's dates because neither of them were particularly musical...but A and I had some good conversation. That's why I asked him, you know, because I like talking with him. After dinner we had a slideshow, some fun awards, and the cabinet video, which was a spoof on Ocean's Eleven, because after all, it was casino-themed.

And after that, as at any event where girls get all dolled up, there must needs be oodles of pictures taken! A and A were such good sports to let us and help us take pictures.

Altogether I had a lovely time and this tedious post doesn't do justice to it.

Sometimes I fail at writing. But on with life and school...

randomosity + procrastination

I would like to be able to say that whenever I lack inspiration, I blog and then, ta-da! I'm able to finish my paper or whatever I'm writing, but unfortunately the is not the case. It's usually more like, I'm really stuck so instead of writing something I don't understand I'll write about me.

Whenever I sit and study in a coffeeshop (I'm at Caribou in downtown Wheaton right now), I feel extremely like a college student. I guess partly because I never did this in high school, though I know plenty of people who did. It makes me feel grown-up in general, simply because I'm on my own, spending my own money. Caribou is a really nice place to study. It's a lot more spacious than the Starbucks, for one. I have to say a lot of their drinks are a little too sugary though. Next time I come I'm probably going to get straight up coffee just to see how it is.

Earlier (I've been here since 1:00 pm), I was typing away, minding my own business, when I happened to look up out the window just as a couple high school guys were walking by. They decided it would be funny if they smiled and waved at me. I was really confused at first because I wasn't sure if I actually knew them. It reminded me of that time at BMC when we all waved at the random girl in the restaurant window. I think she gave us the finger or something, and we gave her the peace sign. good times.

Oh, and then the dudes walked into Caribou and waved at me. weird.

We have our Women's Chorale concert tonight. I'm super-excited...going to be accompanying a set of Hebrew Love Songs. Unfortunately it conflicts with J's gig at La Spiaza. I really wish I could be there to support her...but I'm sure she'll do fine without me.

And then tomorrow is banquet, which I'm really looking forward to as well. I hope it will just be a chill time for me and my date, no awkwardness please! But A's a really nice guy and we have lots to talk about (which is why I asked him, haha!) so it should be good.

On Thursday, we were doing rhythmic dictation in Aural Skills, and one of the kids asked Dr. O if he could demonstrate his shorthand method for us. He finally agreed to do it on the board. I volunteered to play for him. It was hilarious...it's so great that he was willing to do that. He actually got the last note wrong haha. His excuse being that he hadn't done this in a while.

Did I ever say here that I lost my flip flops a week or two back? Well, I did, and it's the strangest thing ever because they're my shower flip flops which I never wear out of the dorm. And now they're just nowhere to be found.

in the spirit of full disclosure...

I shall write now about anything and everything, and maybe awkward things.

I walked downtown today, because I wanted to check out the popcorn store (and maybe buy some to send to a certain someone who is currently out of country) that Wheaton is famous for. Apparently it's the narrowest store in the world/country? and it's supposed to be awesome and everything. But. I was less than impressed. The candy was all commonplace stuff you'd find in any supermarket, and the popcorn was...well, I didn't really get in to see the popcorn since there were people in the way. So I'm not dissing their popcorn, but suffice to say it was in paper bags and therefore would not survive a week+ long trip in a box.

I ended up walking all the way to Caribou Coffee (about 15 min from campus) to study. I managed to write most of my poem there, so it was mostly productive. Caribou is definitely a nicer place to study than Starbucks. For one they just have more space. Walking back I also passed another non-chain coffee shop, i.e. not La Spiaza, that I think I'll try next time I go downtown to study (Saturday?)

I was getting sort of annoyed by my oily scalp recently, so I just googled "oily scalp" and found some simple ways that just might help me get it less oily. It's annoying you know, having to wash my hair everyday when it's getting so long.

Care group today was a huge blessing, as usual. We had some together time just sharing and laughing and praying, then we split into guys and girls. It was lovely to spend time with such a wise group of women. We did talk about "girl things", yes, guys, mainly. But in a very God-honoring way of how to wait patiently for them, to respect them. It's just interesting to see the different stages we're at - one married, two sort of going through break-ups, and two who've never had a boyfriend.

Then when we got back, had a long discussion with Zanna that somehow moved into modesty and honoring our brothers in Christ. I don't remember how we got started, but mummies and clowns were in there along the way.

In Asian Lit today, Dr. N showed us a youtube video of the process of dressing up in a kimono. One wears 10+ layers of sumptuous silk, layered to create a beautiful color gradient. Fascinating! I wonder if there's similar stuff online of traditional formal Chinese-wear. But Zanna and I were just wondering how in the world they could go to the bathroom in those things. gee. It must be difficult and awkward. Sometimes I get annoyed just have to unbutton and unbelt and unzip my pants.

Dr. H has asked me to be the primary accompanist for WC next year. I feel like I'm on MG level!

note: I do put abbreviations because I'm writing about a whole bunch of real people, and because the main purpose of this blog is as a personal record. So down the road I'll probably know who I'm talking about if I just put J, but if you don't...sorry!

when I forgot

It's times like just now that make me annoyed. I thought I had relatively little homework to do, but then realized I had a staff report due tonight. Here's to another late night.

Other than that, it's been a splendid Monday. I was happy because it was a lovely day! That always helps. And I ran two miles this morning.

Sitting in Starbucks for the first time this semester. On a whim I decided to join J to study. So far it's been...sort of productive. Read a bit of The Pillow Book but it was getting dull, so I answered some emails and tried to write some of my ballad. But I have to leave soon anyway, since I'm ushering for Artist Series tonight, and I have to get changed and eat dinner and all that mundane stuff.

I've been in a surprisingly good mood for the past two days. I just feel...happy. I haven't much to say except that life is full and mostly good. I still know I need to spend more time with God, though. Which is why underneath my happiness there is a twinge of something, apprehension or expectation, that I'll fall into a slump in a couple days. If I continue to revel in my self-created joy, it will soon be shown for naught.

I've had more time to think and have good conversations these past two weeks, too. Talked to K and learned more about her background over dinner the other day. I'm so excited to be suitemates with her and J next year! And so glad that we've got it figured it out.

I'm almost done with my second journal ever, started when I was 16 years, 10 months, and 24 days old. Yep, that's what I wrote in my first entry. I want to read over everything I wrote before I end it. Maybe tonight or tomorrow. Then I can move onto the beautiful journal Stevie gave me for Christmas. [I love paperblanks!]

Maybe it's because it feels like a season of beginnings that makes me feel so cheerful - springtime (even though it did flurry this morning!), new journals, new-ish class schedule. And also because I ran 2 miles today. Well, I did split into 1.5 and .5...but still.

raids are fun!

So this weekend was composed mostly of preparing for the loud raid...coming up sometime this week (hey, I can't be too specific, even if I'm 99.999% sure none of my Wheaton friends, let alone T7 guys, read this.) Yesterday I spent an hour dressed in all black with a white and black scarf wrapped around my head and face. Talk about sketch. While dressed thus I also kidnapped my brother floor's RA. yeah. Good times were had by all.

I also filmed Suzanna as the Old Spice guy in a onesie, did some Scottish nose-humming, watched 12 girls in a row whippin' their hair, and practiced some epic stage combat.

Yes, good times were had by all indeed. I'm looking forward to the raid...hopefully the guys will enjoy it as much as we are in preparing it.

Oh yes, I also practiced 3+ hours yesterday and played hairdresser to two girls who were going to the spring dance. I know I know, why didn't I go lame-o? Well, because it cost 8$ (I'm cheap) and because it was a girls-ask-guys dance and I didn't have any guy I particularly wanted to ask. yes, I could have gone with a bunch of girls but somehow it just didn't seem worth it. Plus I'm not particular adept at, nor do I enjoy that type of dancing.

I still haven't found my flip flops. This is becoming a problem. First chance I get tomorrow I'm going to go to the Co-op to pick up a pair. I can't go on borrowing Zann's flip flops just to shower.

ILWG has a spring encampment! I have plans for next year mwahaha. I'll probably be a C/Major by then, so I'll apply for an Exec staff position. It's spread over two weekends in April, which would fit quite well. That would be so friggin' epic. In 2007 they had a C/CMSgt as the XO, for goodness' sake. ILWG must be lacking in dots and diamonds.

slowly fading away

I told my dad yesterday that I was handling the workload fine...but I'm not too sure about that. I mean, I'm maintaining my grades in classes, around an A- right now, but I can bring it up with midterms and quizzes and finals. And I'm more focused in my practice time now since I'm only averaging 2.5 hours a day. But my time with God is suffering. Mornings are rushed again, unlike the beginning of the semester. Oh, the sweet, sweet times I spent with my Lord for those first few weeks. Rising early and spending a full half hour in his Word and praying.

In the evening, by the time I get back to my room, it's usually 9 or later, and I've been out since 8:30 in the morning. I take care of encampment business, roll around to do what homework is due the next day, and look, it's 12am already. Time to sleep.

This is not good. I remember the peace I felt throughout staff selection day because I rose 15 minutes early (5am, baby) to calibrate myself to the Lord before plunging into the day. I desperately need that as I learn and make decisions throughout the day.

Another area I'm failing at - relationships. I never was the most sociable person to begin with, and now with this--I feel like I'm always on the phone. Which I probably am...455 minutes last month, not counting free weekends and nights. I don't have time to spend "chilling" or even having meaningful conversations. Or if I do I'm too emotionally and mentally drained to do justice to my friends. I wonder if this is good for me in the long run.

Don't think I'm regretting my decision. I think this post is colored by 1. the fact that it's getting late, 2. I'm hungry but know I'll feel guilty if I eat at this late hour, and 3. we hit a snag in our RST plans today and things aren't going spit-spot.

I can do this. Tomorrow is Friday already. Another weekend of...homework. Writing 2nd short story. Yay.

going gaga

So the big news these days at Wheaton, specifically around the conserv, is the Artist Series concert on Saturday night which will feature Mr. Charlie Siem. Mr. Charlie Siem is, ahem, a young violinist from the UK, with good hair and an even better stylist. Oh, he also is somewhat of a violin virtuoso. That's rather important, isn't it? See, the thing is, Wheaton is capitalizing on Mr. Charlie Siem's good looks, as is every other venue he plays at, with countless posters featuring his good looks. Seriously, I've never seen so many posters for an Artist Series concert. You enter the conserv and Charlie's there to greet you. You go to the bathroom and there he is on the door. You walk up to Smaber and there is staring moodily at you from the glass.

I'm not complaining. He is "easy on the eyes." Still, even within the conserv, where there are plenty of people who appreciate classical music, there is an unnatural amount of emphasis on his appearance. It's not even that much, I guess I'm just more aware of it because usually no reference is made to how the performer looks.

Okay, he is rather dreamy. And, real reason for this post, in the spirit of full disclosure: Guess who I just saw and walked past several times in Saga (that's right, our dining hall)?

Yep, Charlie Siem. I went back to my table, where I was sitting with a bunch of 1Southers and T7ers and announced that I had just seen Charlie in our very own Saga, and the girls immediately went gaga- "Omgosh he's so hot" "WHAT?! WHERE?!" LOL it was hilarious. The guys were obviously not feeling awkward at all.

but c'mon, he's one of those people who look even better in real life than on a poster. :D

That said, can we hear the man play. I can't wait for the concert on Saturday.

我是中國人

今天晚上我從McAlister行回到房間時，突然想起用中文寫blog。我不能自己寫出中文字，但是我可以用電腦和互聯網找出正確的字。當然，我搵出來的字或許可能不對，但是可以practice少少.

haha. I am having too much fun. Time to look into the Mac Mandarin input thingy Daddy sent me a loooong time ago. It was just soo cold walking back that I had to think happy thoughts to get my mind off my frostbitten ears and nose, so I started composing a blog post in Chinese. Amazing what copy/paste and the internet can help you do these days.

So, gonna be a crazy busy semester, so busy that I haven't had down time to want to blog yet. I'm gonna be writing so much for Creative Writing, not to mention random essays for other classes, that I probably won't have too much time to blog. Unless I get writer's block again. Which I probably will.

I was looking at my fingers today and realized my pen callus on my third finger is almost gone! A sign that I am using the laptop much more than the pencil? hmm

I discovered yesterday that I actually like running now. As long as I'm not huffing and puffing. The air inside the SRC is more controlled than outside, so my lungs don't get irritated as easily from the pollen and dust and germs outside. But hopefully even running inside will help my lungs get stronger so running outside will be slightly easier.

ahhh encampment. I can do it!

Less than 36 hours back at Wheaton and I already feel the need to blog...oh boy. This is gonna be one long semester. Though one of the sophs just told me spring sem always goes by a lot quicker...I dunno. We'll see.

I have a feeling I'll have to be even less sociable this sem. I sorta expected that but it's annoying. argh. But on the other hand, that will teach me to budget what time I have to chill to be more productive. Scheduling more saga dates is probably a good start...I've got to eat so why not eat with a friend and get to know them on a deeper level at the same time. But then I've always got the awful feeling of multitasking and not putting the person first. Then again that's what everyone does, we're all busy people.

uh. I had a lot to say like 10 minutes ago. But not anymore. haha.

Well, classes start tomorrow. Here weee goooo

tying up loose ends

I just submitted my last assignment of the semester w00t! Which means I'm pretty much done done done with school for this year! I'm still hanging around because Zann has two more finals. And I'm working for 4 hours tomorrow and meeting with Dr. Horn so it's not like I'm totally free. But at least I don't have to study for stinkin' finals or write papers anymore.

I'll probably spend the days cleaning my room and packing and moving furniture. Maybe I should go downtown to shop on Thursday...hmm...

I went to care group for the first time in a while tonight. I always find it a very interesting mix of people...a bunch of underclass girls, working guys and a young married couple. We mix so nicely though that no one notices. I feel so comfortable with them already even though I've really only been there three times. It's probably the extreme intentionality with which we fellowship. Except it's not in-your-face intentionality but a very subtle type. We just talk and share and pray for each other. Sometimes we have a lot of fun too. Like today there were lots of goodies because it's Christmas, and we played Favorites for a good hour. And pretty much the best part of the evening- getting to hold the C's little baby, Judah. So precious! I love the smell of clean baby. He fell asleep in my arms and stayed that way for a good half hour. Ahhh I love babies. And I love care group. And I also love sleep so I shall go do that now...

my soul finds rest in God

We had a mini-review of the semester during family time. (Family time is when the whole floor, or whoever decides to show up, gets together and just chills and talks.) At the beginning of the sem, SD had us write letters to future selves to be read at the end of the sem. So we shared a bit about what we had learned, how we had grown.

I realized I'm a very goal-oriented person. Well, I didn't really realize that because I already knew that. But essentially my whole letter was a list of things I hoped to achieve. Actually, it was really discouraging to read the letter at first because I've failed in all but two or three of my goals. I mean, I guess I didn't fail fail, but I'm definitely not the person I want to be.

But then HS shared about how we never will be the person we want to be, but how we shouldn't be satisfied with where we are, but always strive for better. And that's so true. And also something I knew already. But it never helps to be reminded of these things.

But that's the way with so many things. I know them already. Like in piano. I know I should crescendo here, I know sforzandi are interpreted this way in Beethoven vs. Schumann, I know how I should practice productively. But instead of remembering and applying, I practice mindlessly and waste time and energy. And then Dr. Horn has to go over stuff that I already knew because I can't show that I already know them.

Applying what I absorb is so difficult.

Finals week is right around the corner yo. Fortunately I only have one test, but I have two papers and four juries to play for tomorrow. So it's not a walk in the park. And I signed up to work four hours on Wednesday yay.

Juries sucked on Saturday. Well not totally, but they were not enjoyable. I was definitely not in game mode, so my focus was off and I could have played so much better. I'm not so much worried about my grade as about disappointing Dr. Horn. I know I know, it's not about that either but I can't help but feel bad about it.

After that though I decided to go ice skating with my floor and our brother floor. I wasn't going to because it cost money and because I felt like I should work, but after flipflopping ten million times I decided to. Was it worth my time? Not entirely. I had fun, I mean, but I could have had just as much fun staying back and going up to T7. Ah, the choices I make.

Today Zann and I ended up not going to church because it was snowing pretty hard in the morning. Because our church is 40 minutes away we felt like it was a little bit more risky. So we did church in our room instead. Listened to Pastor Tim's sermon from last week (super-win!), sang a hymn, took an offering. Good stuff.

Last night I got an urge to decorate for Christmas, so I finally did. Put up some garlands and bells around the door frame. Today after "church" we made some snowflakes too, which was really fun.

Ugh this whole first sergeant and command chief business is frustrating me to no end. I feel like I'm in the middle being bounced around. I need to have a real opinion on this!

it's times like these...

...when I feel disconnected from everyone. I pass by friends on campus and smile and wave. I'm not really happy to see them. I just paste on a grin because I don't want other people to think I'm a jerk. I say hi to the girls on 1S because if I didn't they'd think there was something wrong with me.

I put up a wall so people can't get close. I'm afraid of interference. I don't want their concern. Their meaningless words of fake comfort. "You'll be fine."

Yeah, right. If you took the time to understand my problems you'd see it's not that easy. It's much more complicated than you think.

I know I'm contradicting myself and I know I'm being a hypocrite. But this is why I have this blog. So I write down my frustrations here instead of loading them onto other people.

I realized partly why I'm feeling so weird though. It's that time of month, and I still haven't figured out how to balance being CC and being a college student. Along with all the other hats I wear.

balance. that's a whole 'nother thing. Balance schoolwork and encampment work. Balance exercise and practicing. Balance food intake and expenditure. Balance sleep and socializing.

I took a half hour nap today and it felt good. But now I'm being a bum because I'm still sleepy.

I hate how people just come into the room. No, let me amend that. I hate it when it's inconvenient to me. Yesterday I was writing an email to the C4 and people were chilling in my room talking and I just couldn't concentrate. So I asked them to leave. I felt like a total jerk. I am so not a people person. Whenever I'm just sitting hanging out, my brain is far away thinking about all the work that I should be doing that I'm not.

Chopin is like a piece of dark chocolate

Chopin shall always forever be my favorite composer. Passion and virtuosity, depth, brilliance. Too bad he's such a pianistic composer...so other musicians don't appreciate him as much. I thought of my title randomly while practicing yesterday. And put it down in my little notebook so I don't forget it like I do half of my other blog post ideas. But yes, Chopin is like a piece of dark chocolate - always satisfying, hits the spot, good for you, scrumptious, and if you get 70% or more, full of flavorful depth. ;) I should rename my old blog "Chocolate and Chopin" instead of "coffee and clementines."

Why is there always so much guy-girl drama? Well the obvious answer is that God created men and women to be attracted to each other and so whenever the two are in proximity to each other, stuff happens. Sometimes...I almost wish I wasn't attracted to guys. They're so distracting sometimes. Like one little comment from a guy or something he does can throw my mood off for the rest of my day. Okay, that makes it sound extreme. It's not like my mood totally depends on guys, but I am affected by them. I hate it though. I wish I didn't care. Does this mean I'm insecure? That I'm not totally assured of my worth and identity in Christ? I always thought I was a pretty well-grounded person...

Yesterday and today I was feeling sorta weird. In a funky mood. hence the cryptic pointless post last night. I didn't feel like being sociable. In fact I felt like tearing someone to pieces. verbally, that is. It was terrible. Maybe I'm feeling the strain of always being polite and friendly here. I mean, the only person I can be remotely free with is Zanna. And even then, I can't lash out like I do to my family. Not like I should even do that. Are my actions a fake then? Do I not really act as I feel? But I shouldn't give into every impulse like that.

ah. I need time to stop and think. I'm always going going going.

Nelson fever

LOL I just got a missed call from some random number, so I called back and this lady picks up the phone and denies that she called me..."No, I didn't call you, my phone must've called you." okay lady...

So I've been really really super quiet on this blog lately...for the past...4, 5 days? The reason is, of course, that I've been super busy. Like, ridiculously. Last week most evenings 6-11 were taken up by Jukebox rehearsals and performances. This week is Brahms/John Nelson week, so 2 or 3 hour rehearsals everyday. Not nearly as long as Jukebox, so I still have time to practice, but it's extremely taxing on my voice. I can't imagine how all the voice majors do it...practicing voice on top of 3 hr choir rehearsals.

But we're singing with the Orchestra for the Brahms and the Band for the new commissioned work so I guess it's worth it. No, it definitely is worth it. I get goose bumps every time we sing the "Denn allles Fleisch..." part (All flesh is as the grass, etc.). And I've never sung with a band so that's new and exciting. A lot of people seem to not like the Kellogg piece, but I actually really enjoy it. It's a very unique text and there are some almost ethereal parts, despite the big band. I won't say much more than that since Saturday will after all be the world premiere. ;)

And whew, having Maestro Nelson conduct us is an experience in itself. He's simply amazing. One of my friends remarked that he didn't know M. Nelson was such a big deal. This was after the Q&A session we had with him for Wednesdays at 3:15. He has such a beautiful conducting style - precise yet passionate. I think he's going to be my conducting hero. I so so so enjoy it. And to know your conductor is a Christian who believes the text, yet immensely successful in the world. Wow. I'm in awe.

Back to the Q&A session - not only is he a phenomenal conductor & musician, he's also very personable. He answered questions about integrating his faith with his work, how he met his wife, how his time at Wheaton affected him. Then someone asked him to tell us about the pranks he pulled with Dr. Whitaker when they were students here. So he told us some really funny stories. His story about his wife was great too. I asked him if he could tell us about a piece of music that was especially meaningful to him. At first he went off on a tangent about how people in interviews always asked him about his favorite composer or favorite music and how he never could answer those questions because everything is so different and they bring unique aspects to music as a whole. I was afraid he was saying my question was silly and regular. But then he said, "But you're asking me about a piece of music that has special meaning. Well, if I could only conduct one more piece, my last work, it would have to be the St. Matthew Passion." Wowza. To think he would choose that just blows my min. In a good way.

After rehearsal yesterday, Zanna suggested we go up and thank him for the rehearsal. At first I was hesitant because he was busy and I was like...two measly freshmen going to say "hi"? But Zanna convinced me, so we went up and introduced ourselves. Boy, am I glad we did. He asked Suzanna about her heritage and talked about India. He tried out his Chinese on me, ni hao and xie xie. :D It was great. boy oh boy. I am so excited for Saturday right now.

Except have to start working on my paper. Well, Schumann, good friend of Brahms, you shall soon be my good friend as well. Nuthin' can put me down!

I went to the Career Services office today to talk to the Study Abroad lady. Looks like my best bet right now would be to wait until Spring of Junior year, so all my required music theory classes are done with. That way I could even focus on English that sem, taking private lessons on the side, which would give me options. I think I'm looking at the UK (England, Scotland, OR Ireland. Or maybe even Wales...after all I've never been there. Well I've never been to England either.), Italy, or China. We shall see and we shall see.

LESS THAN A WEEK TILL THANKSGIVING WOOT WOOT

Wow, I didn't know the Conserv was so busy at 2300. I mean, I know people do practice that late, but not so many. All the piano practice rooms were filled. And why was I there so late myself, you ask? [or not] Well, Wednesdays are always packed for me, regularly. Add a Jukebox dress rehearsal and you've got a piano performance major who hasn't touched a piano all day. >.< I ended up just leaving because I didn't want to wait around for a piano and only get in 45 minutes of practicing (before they close the building, you know.) Which is why I should go to sleep early, as in now, so I can practice tomorrow morning.

Anyway, the Jukebox play is getting quite enjoyable. They're bringing out the humor much better, lines are smoother, and we've almost worked in transitions. I'll be doing lights and the curtain for the performances. And keeping props in check. And making "wine." :D I feel okay endorsing it and recommending it to people now. I guess I shouldn't have been so hasty in condemning it to failure. There's still a lot to improve on, and like I told Zann, if they had another two weeks to perfect it, it would be a splendid production. As it is now, it's quite passable, especially for an entirely student-run production.

There are some interesting characters in Jukebox. I actually joined Jukebox partly because I wanted to get to know some people outside those I normally interact with. At first I thought it wasn't going to be that way and things were awkward and I was regretting it, but now it's much better. I mean, we're not going to be super good friends or anything, but they're chill people and I have more people to say hi to. heh. Well not just hi. Anyway. I'm rambling again.

This is why my essays are never as good and to-the-point as they can be. One, I have such a hard time developing a good thesis that can support my paper, and two, my flow is terrible.

I'm writing my research paper on Schumann...won't Dr. Horn be happy. :D I just found it fascinating how he combined his musical interests with his literary talent. I'd like to know if he truly enjoyed being a music critic, or if he did it at least partly out of necessity after his hand injury.

At least the draft is due on the 22nd. This week and next are crazy. Starting tomorrow, I have Jukebox performances to run, plus extra choir rehearsals. because MAESTRO NELSON IS HERE....DUN DUN DUN. hehe. Next week is the epic event, so we have three hour rehearsals on three week days. >.< I have to miss the cast party for a rehearsal. mannn... And of course there's all the regular school stuff and work. Not to mention practicing.

But I picked a concerto for next year, which is exciting! Mozart K. 595, one of his most lyrical. Dunno if I have a real chance, esp. against superhuman pianists like RM, but hey, it's gonna be a great experience. Dr. Horn wants me to learn the whole concerto yay!

more exploring of cultural differences

Today was a rather chill Wednesday. Surprisingly I didn't feel stressed or overwhelmed. The only weird part was theory this morning. Our class is prone to go off on tangents, especially if K or P ask a random question. And we really were awful in terms of paying attention this morning. What followed hopefully shook some people up. But perhaps not...as I will show later.

So while trying to answer a really easy question, someone mentioned that K wasn't there and wasn't asking questions. So Prof G. mentions offhandedly that he wouldn't be with us any longer and that he had dropped out of the conserv. Which immediately caused a ruckus, everyone was like, "wait what, we thought he loved theory!" Prof G. tries to quiet us down and return to the question. Meanwhile some members of the class are still exclaiming over K, so it's definitely sort of chaotic still. Finally Prof G. loses it and leaves the room. Comes back and starts over. Asks some guy the same question. Guy hasn't been paying attention and so fails to answer the question. Prof G. gets really quietly angry and stops teaching. He puts up a class exercise and tells us we have the last 15 minutes of class to do it. By this time the tension is so thick you could feel it smothering everyone. so. awkward. Everyone is absolutely silent. He leaves the room as we start and comes back and just sits there. I felt soooo bad. Honestly, even though I hadn't done anything personally. After we finish he gives us a talking to. I agreed with most of what he said. Basically we had taken the joking too far, we were disrespectful by falling asleep and stuff.

But. apparently some people didn't quite agree as much as I did. I talked with one kid later about it and he didn't feel bad at all. He thought it was Prof G.'s fault that the class always went off on tangents because Prof G. himself always makes funny/sarcastic comments. I was so surprised when he said that. I had never even considered the idea that it was the professor's fault. I think I'm so deeply imbedded with the idea of respect for authority/teachers that Chinese culture dictates that I've never considered that possibility. I just assume that they're right, that they're smarter than me. Well, no. Not always. I think I always respect them no matter whether they know a lot or not. Yeah. Even if I disagree with them, I still respect them. Americans can be so disrespectful. American teenagers especially. Texting during class, during chapel, falling asleep all over the place, cutting classes indiscriminately. And they wouldn't agree that they were being disrespectful. They have no concept of that.

Sigh.

oh, finally met one of the ROTC guys. Through church. engage guy radar, mmhmm. LOL did I just say that out loud? yep. It's true though. And he's a really sweet guy. Just keepin' my eye out for potentials. I promise I won't be silly about guys until forever.