heart matters

Every Christian woman hears at some point that modesty is a matter of the heart, not simply dress. I've heard my fair share of that view, and I always thought I agreed with and adhered to it. But after talking with Hannah about modesty and all that goes with it the other night, I'm thinking...maybe I'm still not quite approaching this the right way.

I realized my standards are different depending on where I'll be/who I'll be seeing. For example, I'd never wear a strapless dress to Sunday service at RCCC, but, I'd wear a strapless dress in a church if I were playing piano in a recital. Or, if I'm going to be hanging out with my more conservative homeschool friends, I'll make sure my skirt's a bit longer and my shirt has no danger of showing anything, anywhere.

Double standard much? I'm letting people and places define what I wear, who I am, even. And I'm not loving all of my neighbors. Why do I feel like I need to serve my Christian brothers more than I need to serve my non-Christian guy friends? Somewhere in my mind the thought comes, "Psh, they're used to seeing much more skin, so if I wear this v-neck shirt, they're not even going to notice anything."

Wow. That sounds incredibly silly. And I've been living like this forever...when I'm picking my outfit, I always evaluate based on the particular event or day, not based on one high standard I believe God wants me to set.

And now it's time to examine how many other areas of my life fall under this deluded logic...

[un-relateds]:

1. I passed the prelims for the Princeton Festival Piano Comp today, so moving on to finals in two weeks! I'm so thankful that my hard work paid off...though this means I can't build my push up muscles for another two weeks...

2. Below issue is still...rather undecided. Well, I've been praying about it and...I just don't know. I think I need to pray more fervently.

3. I am so thankful for friends! Grace and love are so beautiful, I don't know how people can live without them!

words words words

It's sad that I've lost the compulsion to write. I guess in a way it's a good thing for me, since that means I've lost the need to relieve stress in that way. Or maybe it means that I just don't have time to let myself think about stress and so have to dwell on it and get it out.

Anyway I haven't blogged or even journaled for a while. Maybe a week. I think, maybe because I've talked so much to various people that anything I put down here will feel like a rehashing of my conversations, yet another "person" to tell the same story too. But if I don't write it down in "ink" somewhere, then my words live only in my own memory and in the memories of others. And memory, as we all know, is short-lived. I shan't be able to look back in 20 years and know what I was thinking right now, today, through my memory.

These past few weeks, the start of the semester, have been weird. "Rough", is the word I've been using. Spring semester feels like a continuation of the school year, well, it is, and not nearly as easing into as fall semester. Homework piles up in the first few days, and tests and exams have come and gone already. It's as if...we never left. So on that front I've been a teeny bit overwhelmed.

Then practicing...I've lost a bit of motivation. Or maybe direction. Just not as super excited about my practicing. Or maybe I'm not perfectionist enough. I don't feel challenged by my pieces...but it's not like I'm giving 100% to them yet. So it's not that I'm not challenged, but just too lazy to perfect them.

Then of course there's the added work of Encampment. Let's just say it can be super stressful. I feel like I'm caught in the middle a lot of the times. I'm the primary line of communication between the cadet staff and the command staff, so basically I'm supposed to stay in close contact with 6+ people. And by close contact I mean at least one phone call a week to each of them. I have to learn not to have my opinion swayed so easily and to think and talk on my feet more persuasively.

Cadet staff review boards are coming up this weekend, and though I'm super excited and pumped, I'm also a little nervous. I feel as if I've got something to prove, and in a way I do. I have to prove to the cadet applicants that I will be an effective CC, that I am someone they can look up to. I'm at a disadvantage for several reasons: I'm a girl, I'm not going into the military, I'm not going into aviation, I'm not super physically fit. Advantages might be: I'm smart, I'm older and in college, I'm a girl. Yes, I am aware that I put "girl" in both categories. In an organization that's made up of 90% guys, it can work to my advantage. But sometimes it's also inconvenient.

There, I'm voicing my fears. Someone once told me that if I wrote out my fears on a piece of paper, all of a sudden they might sound a lot less menacing.

I believe that I communicate way better in writing than in speaking. Simply having time to think out what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say makes so much more sense to me. That's why I sound like I have no opinion of my own when I'm on the phone. Because I can't evaluate what the other person is saying and make a judgment right away. Something to do with my ears and learning style. I'm definitely not an auditory learner. If I see words on paper or the screen I can process them so much more efficiently.

But then my problem in writing is that I write unnaturally. Perhaps not now, because I happen to be simply spitting words out lickety-split without even the usual editing I do as I write anything else. But when I sit down and think about dialogue in my short story and try to write it out truthfully, it comes out stilted and archaic. A guy in my writing class commented that the way my characters were talking, he thought they were in the 19th century, so that when I mentioned the sports car, he felt a jarring sense of anachronism.

I'm coming to see that perhaps my gift isn't in writing. That is, I possess the ability to clearly communicate my thoughts in writing, and can use that as needed in whatever area of life, but I don't have the mind of a professional writer, or passionate writer. I don't feel compelled to write stories, and I don't have the vivid imagination of say, my mom even, that enables me to see that which is not, much less to describe it to anyone else in a coherent and engaging manner.

An exercise in free-writing, perhaps? I certainly didn't expect this to flow out so volubly and easily.

Wow, I didn't know the Conserv was so busy at 2300. I mean, I know people do practice that late, but not so many. All the piano practice rooms were filled. And why was I there so late myself, you ask? [or not] Well, Wednesdays are always packed for me, regularly. Add a Jukebox dress rehearsal and you've got a piano performance major who hasn't touched a piano all day. >.< I ended up just leaving because I didn't want to wait around for a piano and only get in 45 minutes of practicing (before they close the building, you know.) Which is why I should go to sleep early, as in now, so I can practice tomorrow morning.

Anyway, the Jukebox play is getting quite enjoyable. They're bringing out the humor much better, lines are smoother, and we've almost worked in transitions. I'll be doing lights and the curtain for the performances. And keeping props in check. And making "wine." :D I feel okay endorsing it and recommending it to people now. I guess I shouldn't have been so hasty in condemning it to failure. There's still a lot to improve on, and like I told Zann, if they had another two weeks to perfect it, it would be a splendid production. As it is now, it's quite passable, especially for an entirely student-run production.

There are some interesting characters in Jukebox. I actually joined Jukebox partly because I wanted to get to know some people outside those I normally interact with. At first I thought it wasn't going to be that way and things were awkward and I was regretting it, but now it's much better. I mean, we're not going to be super good friends or anything, but they're chill people and I have more people to say hi to. heh. Well not just hi. Anyway. I'm rambling again.

This is why my essays are never as good and to-the-point as they can be. One, I have such a hard time developing a good thesis that can support my paper, and two, my flow is terrible.

I'm writing my research paper on Schumann...won't Dr. Horn be happy. :D I just found it fascinating how he combined his musical interests with his literary talent. I'd like to know if he truly enjoyed being a music critic, or if he did it at least partly out of necessity after his hand injury.

At least the draft is due on the 22nd. This week and next are crazy. Starting tomorrow, I have Jukebox performances to run, plus extra choir rehearsals. because MAESTRO NELSON IS HERE....DUN DUN DUN. hehe. Next week is the epic event, so we have three hour rehearsals on three week days. >.< I have to miss the cast party for a rehearsal. mannn... And of course there's all the regular school stuff and work. Not to mention practicing.

But I picked a concerto for next year, which is exciting! Mozart K. 595, one of his most lyrical. Dunno if I have a real chance, esp. against superhuman pianists like RM, but hey, it's gonna be a great experience. Dr. Horn wants me to learn the whole concerto yay!

those crazy days

practicing on a Friday night...never felt so lonesome. There were a lot fewer people today than usual, it seems. My mind was wandering to ten million other places and I just couldn't concentrate. Funny how I always devolve into Chopin concerto when my brain's not functioning.

So what was taking up my brain power, you ask? Well, MWF as usual are always crazy now, what with my insane schedule. And I'd just come from a 2 hr saga date with T. I sure wasn't expecting such a long dinner when he said we needed to catch up. It was surprisingly easy to talk to him though. We talked about how A quad had gone, what B quad looked like, American lit, English majors, good English profs, RCCC peeps. Funny how it wasn't until I got to Wheaton that I actually got to know him. Now I'm almost sad he's a senior...he won't be around next year.

Work went okay today. It was actually rolling along very well until I screwed up with international postage. There's just so much to remember and I always feel a bit dumb because I don't remember how to do things. Cash registers have too many buttons... But I really enjoy getting to see people through the CPO window.

I decided it was dress-up Friday today, so I wore a purple collared shirt, grey skirt, patterned black tights, and my slouchy boots. It felt good to not be sloppy. Not that I usually am. and it helps to get a couple compliments once in a while ;)

Studio finally got around to celebrating Dr. Horn's birthday. We'd been planning to two weeks ago on his actual birthday, but studio kept getting cancelled so it wasn't until today that we got a chance to do it. K made a scrumptious chocolate chip cake and we had apple cider. Too yum! Apparently it's a tradition. Fun fun.

Should really get working on my BE11 app. Hope I'll have time tomorrow. Got a jukebox rehearsal that might take a while, need to practice, probably gonna visit T7 in the evening. Homework should probably be in that equation also...