it's times like these...

...when I feel disconnected from everyone. I pass by friends on campus and smile and wave. I'm not really happy to see them. I just paste on a grin because I don't want other people to think I'm a jerk. I say hi to the girls on 1S because if I didn't they'd think there was something wrong with me.

I put up a wall so people can't get close. I'm afraid of interference. I don't want their concern. Their meaningless words of fake comfort. "You'll be fine."

Yeah, right. If you took the time to understand my problems you'd see it's not that easy. It's much more complicated than you think.

I know I'm contradicting myself and I know I'm being a hypocrite. But this is why I have this blog. So I write down my frustrations here instead of loading them onto other people.

I realized partly why I'm feeling so weird though. It's that time of month, and I still haven't figured out how to balance being CC and being a college student. Along with all the other hats I wear.

balance. that's a whole 'nother thing. Balance schoolwork and encampment work. Balance exercise and practicing. Balance food intake and expenditure. Balance sleep and socializing.

I took a half hour nap today and it felt good. But now I'm being a bum because I'm still sleepy.

I hate how people just come into the room. No, let me amend that. I hate it when it's inconvenient to me. Yesterday I was writing an email to the C4 and people were chilling in my room talking and I just couldn't concentrate. So I asked them to leave. I felt like a total jerk. I am so not a people person. Whenever I'm just sitting hanging out, my brain is far away thinking about all the work that I should be doing that I'm not.