in the spirit of full disclosure...

I shall write now about anything and everything, and maybe awkward things.

I walked downtown today, because I wanted to check out the popcorn store (and maybe buy some to send to a certain someone who is currently out of country) that Wheaton is famous for. Apparently it's the narrowest store in the world/country? and it's supposed to be awesome and everything. But. I was less than impressed. The candy was all commonplace stuff you'd find in any supermarket, and the popcorn was...well, I didn't really get in to see the popcorn since there were people in the way. So I'm not dissing their popcorn, but suffice to say it was in paper bags and therefore would not survive a week+ long trip in a box.

I ended up walking all the way to Caribou Coffee (about 15 min from campus) to study. I managed to write most of my poem there, so it was mostly productive. Caribou is definitely a nicer place to study than Starbucks. For one they just have more space. Walking back I also passed another non-chain coffee shop, i.e. not La Spiaza, that I think I'll try next time I go downtown to study (Saturday?)

I was getting sort of annoyed by my oily scalp recently, so I just googled "oily scalp" and found some simple ways that just might help me get it less oily. It's annoying you know, having to wash my hair everyday when it's getting so long.

Care group today was a huge blessing, as usual. We had some together time just sharing and laughing and praying, then we split into guys and girls. It was lovely to spend time with such a wise group of women. We did talk about "girl things", yes, guys, mainly. But in a very God-honoring way of how to wait patiently for them, to respect them. It's just interesting to see the different stages we're at - one married, two sort of going through break-ups, and two who've never had a boyfriend.

Then when we got back, had a long discussion with Zanna that somehow moved into modesty and honoring our brothers in Christ. I don't remember how we got started, but mummies and clowns were in there along the way.

In Asian Lit today, Dr. N showed us a youtube video of the process of dressing up in a kimono. One wears 10+ layers of sumptuous silk, layered to create a beautiful color gradient. Fascinating! I wonder if there's similar stuff online of traditional formal Chinese-wear. But Zanna and I were just wondering how in the world they could go to the bathroom in those things. gee. It must be difficult and awkward. Sometimes I get annoyed just have to unbutton and unbelt and unzip my pants.

Dr. H has asked me to be the primary accompanist for WC next year. I feel like I'm on MG level!

note: I do put abbreviations because I'm writing about a whole bunch of real people, and because the main purpose of this blog is as a personal record. So down the road I'll probably know who I'm talking about if I just put J, but if you don't...sorry!

slowly fading away

I told my dad yesterday that I was handling the workload fine...but I'm not too sure about that. I mean, I'm maintaining my grades in classes, around an A- right now, but I can bring it up with midterms and quizzes and finals. And I'm more focused in my practice time now since I'm only averaging 2.5 hours a day. But my time with God is suffering. Mornings are rushed again, unlike the beginning of the semester. Oh, the sweet, sweet times I spent with my Lord for those first few weeks. Rising early and spending a full half hour in his Word and praying.

In the evening, by the time I get back to my room, it's usually 9 or later, and I've been out since 8:30 in the morning. I take care of encampment business, roll around to do what homework is due the next day, and look, it's 12am already. Time to sleep.

This is not good. I remember the peace I felt throughout staff selection day because I rose 15 minutes early (5am, baby) to calibrate myself to the Lord before plunging into the day. I desperately need that as I learn and make decisions throughout the day.

Another area I'm failing at - relationships. I never was the most sociable person to begin with, and now with this--I feel like I'm always on the phone. Which I probably am...455 minutes last month, not counting free weekends and nights. I don't have time to spend "chilling" or even having meaningful conversations. Or if I do I'm too emotionally and mentally drained to do justice to my friends. I wonder if this is good for me in the long run.

Don't think I'm regretting my decision. I think this post is colored by 1. the fact that it's getting late, 2. I'm hungry but know I'll feel guilty if I eat at this late hour, and 3. we hit a snag in our RST plans today and things aren't going spit-spot.

I can do this. Tomorrow is Friday already. Another weekend of...homework. Writing 2nd short story. Yay.

HoneyRock reflections - A need to be alone

Not much to say about today, except that Zanna and I went to SGC and got invited over for lunch by a family. Next Sunday, homecooked meal woot woot! So I'll delve into some of the journal reflections [originally handwritten at HR...shocker, I know] on HR. This one was from right after a solitary night-time walk/stargazing session.

The moon creeps high, high above amidst the sparkling stars, stars that blanket the sky. I have never seen so many stars. Not altogether in one sky. And the moon, what a gorgeous moon! Not nearly full, it beams as the sun, a cold, brilliant white sun, casting shadows and illuminating darkness in a way I did not think possible. My path is lit by the moon, except where the tree shadows shield its weak, glaring beams. I can see thousands & thousands of stars and I understand mankind's forever fascination with the heavens. These dots of light filling up that great blue blanket, this web that is the same in Wisconsin and New Jersey. How far it extends & can I almost sense it is round? That one that burns so bright - it rivals the moon, nay, the sun in intensity. If it were the size of the moon how it should hurt my eyes! Why are some so much dimmer? I know it is distance and each star has its place. Are they all content, I wonder. Content with the place God has put them in, content to be less known and seen by humans on earth. They do not care, of course.

I see the black, spindly silhouette of the bare trees extending into my field of vision, highlighting the intense midnight blue of the sky. The bare, spidery limbs that I had not expected - red orange purple leaves belong on their branches so I may admire & photograph them, not in soggy, ugly, sticky piles of horrid brown. The trees, too, shadow & melt. I shiver as I lie there. The wind whistles, hums through the leafless trees. I listen for the sounds, the noise of Wisconsin I can bottle up & open in New Jersey to smell. Nothing. Then, the wind. After, the water. Lapping ever so gently the shore, sparkling and dancing in the moonlight as it did in the sun seven hours ago. Regular & light, it fills me. I try to push out the sounds of laughter & banter that travels from the bonfire 500 yds away. College kids. Be quiet, will you. They shout at the canoe that splashes past - who are you? Their voices fade back as I filter them. Then, faintly - can it be? - a howl. At first I do not believe my ears. Perhaps a siren? Then, again. Do wolves howl at a moon but three quarters pregnant? Wolves, or coyotes? Coyotes? No, wolves. A long wolf, far, far away. At least I hope. I thrill at the sound - me hearing wolves howl at the moon as I lie alone in the still of night.

I walk the path. Can I see without my flashlight? Oh moon, were that thy beams were stronger. I can see, but fear overtakes me & I turn it on, balancing my Styrofoam cup of water. The weak pool of light shows me the shadow that does not exist. What a different light this gives off out here than in a warm room! I stomp back, then tiptoe when I see my roommates asleep. I hunger for more insight & nature & mourn for a hunger for God that did not come. Yet I am in awe.

Lord Jesus, I love thee

God is so amazing! Just the way he reveals himself to me.

My day started off really crappy. Worst morning so far. Got my theory homework back and what do I see? A big fat F. F for Failure. I was stunned. Yeah, first F I've ever gotten in my life. I was a little dumb through the whole class, you can ask Faith. Just so floored. I don't know what's worse...getting an F because you don't understand the material, or getting an F because you missed half the assignment due to carelessness. Obviously for me it was the latter. I didn't read the directions carefully and forgot to label the intervals. Stupid. Mommy's always right of course..."don't make careless mistakes!"

So I was all upset and posted an angry FB status about it and basically announced it to the world, stupidly, again. There's nothing I can do about it, talked with Dr. Gordon, but he said it was just one homework grade out of like 30 so it shouldn't affect my overall grade tooo much. Still, I better get all A+s and not just A's from now on if I want my overall grade to be an A. Grrr

Throughout the day it was still sorta simmering inside...angry at myself for being so stupid. Tonight there was something called Student Vigil, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. I wasn't in the mood, I thought. But it sounded a bit interesting so I decided to go check it out and maybe stay for half an hour. I ended up staying the whole time - 1.5 hrs. That's how amazing it was. It turned my whole mood upside down.

It's basically a really chill time of music for conservies and non alike. Everyone sits on blankets and pillows on Pierce stage and there's tea and cookies. People came up to play music and we listened and sang along as we liked. Someone played Heart of Worship...brought back good memories for me of learning to play that on the guitar and being able to worship with it...because it's the one song I could play fluently. Becky and Chris did House of God Forever and three other songs. Someone played an arrangement of Come Thou Fount, and Riley played a mvt. of a Haydn sonata. I don't know if it was the music, or just the overall mood, but by the end when it was prayer time I was so ready for it, I really wanted it. I usually struggle with prayer the most...a lot of the time when they're like, ok, split into small groups and pray for 10 minutes I start freaking as to what I'll say when it's my turn. But this time I just focused on God, not me, and said what was in my heart without thinking about how people would take it or respond to it. Overall it was just an amazing time and I feel so blessed that God slapped me upside the head (well...gently) and reminded me that one grade is not the end of the world.

And one guy's testimony really moved me in another way...he had been away from Wheaton for the past two years because his family couldn't afford it so he left after one semester. And it just reminded me how extremely blessed I am to be here. I take it for granted- the community, the fact that M and D can afford it. Of course it is always in the back of my mind that I should do something to relieve the financial burden on Daddy, but it is not near enough that I act on it. I really should get a job though. But even if I can't help out with money, the least I can do is really apply myself in my studies and make it worth it. meaning no more carelessness on easy homework.

In between the F and vigil, there was awkward Wellness class, as usual, short workout, awesome English class. Our next essay is a narrative on travel...I'm so excited! I love narratives!!! So much easier for me. And I love having a "forced" opportunity to write about my travels...I never write coherently about them. Now I just have to decide what to write on...

I met with the director of the play today. I didn't get cast for the play but I expressed interest in stage managing, so I met with Angelo to discuss that. It's gonna be fun, getting involved in theatre again. can't wait! Angelo's a pretty cool guy too...we got to talking about other stuff like siblings and stuff.

Yep so that was pretty much my day...with 3 hours of practice, of course. I hope I don't suck too badly at my lesson tomorrow. Oh yeah we have that photoshoot for Music Tech too...blech.