brain dump

I'm having trouble deciding what to write my next paper on. The main theme/topic is travel, but I can't decided what place I want to write about. The easy choice would probably be Shanghai/Hong Kong, since that's what's freshest in my memory and I'm older and can process things better. But I feel almost like that would be a cop-out. And there's not any one instance that really stands out to me. Plus I've been thinking and writing sooo much about Asian-ness since coming here that it's almost sickening. I sound so awful right now but it's almost true.

I'm even more confused now about the whole identity thing. Am I Chinese or American or Chinese American? What do these labels mean? I'm Chinese, heritage-wise. I know that for sure. I am of Chinese descent, I have the yellow-toned olive skin of the Chinese, the black straight hair, the flat nose. So I look different. I speak Cantonese, a language clearly very different from English. I like to eat Chinese food. I miss Chinese food now that I've gone 1.5 months without real Chinese food. But are there some essential qualities that identify me as Chinese? Is it tradition? A way of viewing the world?

This extends to friendships too. Do I relate to Asians, Chinese in particular, better because we share that common racial bond? I used to think so. For example Jo and I got along very well but she didn't quite understand the Asian mindset. What is the Asian mindset? Grades money success? But then I never felt entirely comfortable with, say, church people either. Either they were too hung up on AP classes and SAT scores, or they were immersed in kpop and Taiwanese dramas, or they were so liberal it was nauseating, or they didn't get homeschoolers. So maybe it's not true. Since coming to Wheaton I haven't interacted much with Asians. My suitemate and Zanna, pretty much, a couple upperclassmen in my studio. I didn't join the Asian fellowship and I don't know why. I went to the OMD reception and at first I was happy to see all the culture there but I didn't feel comfortable/entirely welcomed. Oh, they weren't unfriendly, but I just didn't like it. Ugh. I don't know what's up with me.

Am I simply rebelling against that "Asian" label? Because lots of people have been telling me to join Koinonia but I just never did. The first time it was a time issue, and then later it was partly time and partly because I didn't want to.

My conversation with Serena rocked my world though. She totally understood where I was coming from and said she felt much the same way when she was here. Just trying to reconcile the two different parts, and she still doesn't have any answers.

At the same time I don't think of myself as entirely Americanized. Do I want to disassociate from American culture because of the trash that comes with it? Mainly the media and the morals. And yet, I feel an intense patriotism for my country that most Asian Americans don't feel. My patriotism stems from a deep appreciation for the freedom that we have in this country. Not so much the political system or the historical aspect, but a deep desire to preserve and spread the freedom of many things that we have in this country.

I suppose that's why I wanted ROTC so bad. So I could feel like I was contributing to preserving that freedom. But in that way I'd be serving my country, not all of which I agree with. I heard another absolutely different view about war/peace the other day that I had never quite heard though. And from someone I deeply respect too. Basically he's almost a Mennonite and believes in pacifism/non-violence. He believes that God calls us to lead peaceful lives and not fight through the example that Jesus set in the NT. Beyond that, he believes that Christians should not get involved with organized government...I forgot quite what his reasoning for that was. I think it was something along the lines of we are but strangers in this world, travelling through to heaven, so we should not build up earthly things like that. I wonder what he thinks about social justice. LIke the times when the only way to help the poor and hurting is through the government. Should you work with and for them then?

I've had so many questions running through my head lately. Just so many random things have happened and I haven't been quiet enough to process all of them properly.

Like the Dugle family. Even though I never knew them very well, I knew they were a great family and I am extraordinarily saddened by their loss. I know Mrs. Dugle had been struggling with her condition for a while, but still, I can't imagine how hard it is on Schuyler. All I can do is keep praying and praying for him.

Then last night's movie made me think about patriotism all over again. and unfulfilled love. Patriotism because obviously it was a war movie and full of heroes and non-heroes. Heroes who were willing to sacrifice their lives for their country. Unfulfilled love, such aching passion that could not be consummated, and again for country. Could I do that for my country? I almost feel like it would be harder to do that for God. Because I know he's in control and it's essentially his "fault" if I didn't get married.

But the chapel speaker a couple days ago reminded me that God does call certain people to singleness - whether for a lifetime or for a longer period of waiting time. And for many it's hard to be content in that place. I wonder how I will feel if I am 40 and unmarried and childless.

Ah brain dumps. I just spent half an hour writing instead of practicing. And there's still so much to mull over. Was it worth it? I really can't say. Anyway it's dinnertime.

a good Saturday

It's been a good day. So far. Except for the fact that the reason I'm blogging is because I'm waiting for a practice room. This concert tonight screws up my schedule...normally I practice Saturday evening because there are so fewer people. Okay. Let me just say that people who leave their stuff in a practice room and don't come back for like half an hour are really annoying. I'm gonna go take that room soon.

[continued afterwards]

Anyway, this morning we went apple-picking. It was supposed to be a bro-sis thing but only one guy showed up, not including the RA and our RA's bf. Still, it was a lot of fun just hanging out with the girls and the token boy. Because he's really chill and generally friendly, so it wasn't weird or awkward. The only thing that would have made it better was slightly warmer weather...it was really windy. But the apples were absolutely delish, and I bought half a dozen cider donuts! MMMMYUMMMM

Came back in time for lunch at saga. Then I met Serena for coffee. oh yeah, I didn't tell that story yet.

So yesterday I was practicing in 214 and decided to take a practice break. I walked out of the room and saw this lady who looked like someone I knew. I was almost sure but not 100%, but lately I've been working on acting on my impulses (the good ones...that I sometimes second guess) so I went up to her and said, "Ms. Chin?" She whipped around and had this shocked look on her face. She totally recognized me though. She wasn't sure of my name but she remembered me as Stephen's sister. She told me later that she had sort of thought I looked familiar too but wasn't sure, and that I had a funny look on my face as she walked past me, like I knew her too.

Boy, am I glad I acted on that impulse though. We had a nice long chat over coffee today, and we talked about everything from PGC to Wheaton in general to being Chinese on campus. It was so awesome to talk with someone who understands my struggles with my Asian identity here and isn't just like, "join koinonia and everything will be alright!" It was great. She reminisced a bit about her days, gave me some advice, and talked about some of the changes. It was such an awesome coincidence - well, I won't say coincidence because I know God planned it. But just getting to meet an alumna whom I had known before, however distantly, was great. So I have her contact info now should I ever need her help or advice.

Tonight we had our first orchestra concert. The choirs sang too for two movements of the Brahms. SO COOL. I love singing with the orchestra.

We got back and Zanna and I decided to have a mini food party and talk about our weeks. I really love being roommates with her. We really do get along very well, I think.

There were amazing chocolate truffles for dinner. YUM

This is getting boring and I need to sleep. Goodnight.