c-c-c-c-craaazaayyy

I know I've been awfully quiet, terribly so. But over Thanksgiving break I saw all the people who read my blog so I didn't feel the need to vent here as much. I will record what happened though, perhaps briefly, since I intend this to be a record of what occurred in my first year here.

Zanna and I flew back on Tuesday evening, flight was uneventful. Everyone came to pick me up and I'm sure I was super chattery on the way home. The next day I woke up around 9:30 (ah, bliss!) and ate bao for breakfast. Plus good lai cha with green tea tapioca, and real eggs with ketchup. Ah, food. After lunch of mein I drove Stevie, with mom, to piano. Gave Dr. Lin the CD Dr. Horn had passed on to me. Then to Mrs. Shippey's for voice. Got stuck in some horrible Thanksgiving traffic so only got half the lesson time. But I read some stuff with Stephen so that was good. Came home and made double chocolate oatmeal cookies yummm.

Thursday I made the pumpkin cheesecake I've been longing for! Real pumpkin yo. We were going to go have Vietnamese for lunch, but Pho Anh Dao was closed so we ended up going to dimsum. Which was a disappointment because we had to share a table and the food sorta sucked. But for Thanksgiving dinner we had hotpot, which was ah-may-zing. Ah tofu. Mommy's sending me some paper packaged tofu so I can eat here. MahMah and Julia yee-yee came over, of course. So good to see them! After dinner we started talking about N. and S. Korea and nuclear warfare. A lovely topic, indeed. And then we watched Ip Man, which was EPIC. It's a kung fu movie, sure, but it had really good acting and an actual plot. And it's in the context of a world event, which makes it all the more moving.

We didn't have much planned for Friday except dinner with Eric and MahMah and JYY. I don't even remember what I did anymore...some packing, some piano? hehe. Then afternoon we did a bit of shopping, got some running shoes and boots with good traction. Dinner was at a new Korean BBQ buffet place with the above mentioned people. Gotta love beef bulgogi. No dessert though, except for oranges, which upset Mommy. haha. Then best part of the day, went to pick CYu up for a chat. It was so good just to talk and talk.

Saturday was an early-ish wake up because of review boards for BE2011 C4. Mommy drove me and Park and Zeke, so I got to talk to them a bit about things at Jimmy Stewart and life in general. We got there on time, waited around for one cadet from NY. Then everyone had to take the Myers-Briggs test. I was a little cocky and thinking I knew that I was an ISTJ already. Then the review boards started, around 20 minutes for each person. Meanwhile Maver stayed outside with the rest of us and talked about encampment stuff. Improvements and all that. Pizza for lunch. Somehow or other I ended up being the last one to go. According to the people outside I was in there for the longest, 25 minutes. I think it was cuz they were grilling me about being in Illinois. It definitely didn't seem that long to me. and I think I'll have to write the details of the board in my personal journal as I wouldn't want this going public. Anyway, so I finished and came out and chatted with everyone. By this time we were all sort of restless and just talking about random things. The exec staff and Sav were conferencing in the office. Then I got summoned into the room. I thought they were going to do some private dismissal thing to tell me I hadn't made it. Instead Maver informed me they had chosen me as cadet commander, and asked me if I would accept the position. I was floored, absolutely shocked. I think I just sat there for a couple seconds with a half smile. They were open to me declining and asked me if I had any concerns about accepting. I mentioned my geographical location and not being in CAP that long and stuff but in the end I was convinced. I was still a bit hesitant, so Maver was like, "just say yes". When I said yes I thought about the weirdness of saying yes to a room of men and some vague thought of marriage. LOL. My brain was functioning funny, ok? They immediately had me choose my staff. Decisions decisions, oh my. It was plain crazy.

But, man, I'm cadet commander of BE2011! It's just crazy to think about it. That's the biggest thing that happened over break, for sure. That evening Stephen and I went to the Aus to hang out, which was wonderful, as always. It was so relaxing and beautiful to talk face to face with dear friends I haven't seen in too long. I really hope I'll have more time to hang out with them over Christmas.

So encampment has sort of taken over my life, and will for the next 8 months. Of course, as mom and dad keep reminding me, my studies come first, but I'm pretty much splitting even between school and CAP. I've renounced movies and most social activities in order to make sure I have enough time and sleep. I'm also starting a running program so I'll be good shape, better shape than I've ever been, by the time Encampment rolls around. Can't have me lagging behind my staff now, can I.

I still can't quite believe I'll be running the whole show. To think just a little more than two years ago I had just joined CAP. wowza. It really is crazy. I don't know if I can handle it! ahhhh. Can't let the stress get to me. Time to really rely on God. I'm wondering if this is the ministry opportunity God is giving me. I have a very powerful platform here and if I use it skillfully I can influence plenty of people.

I feel so out of my element sometimes though. I know zilch about the military, which I said as much in my board. I've ruled out being in the military myself. How am I going to interact with all those military personnel? boy oh boy. Already I've got a dozen encampment emails flooding my inbox in just two days. Am I in over my head?

Time to sleeeeep so I can get up to run tomorrow. More concerns to come...

consumerism

I'm supposed to write an essay on "the consumer gaze"- how people view items and brands, how advertising encourages us to purchase, how advertising pulls the wool over our eyes and fools us into thinking we need a certain item, etc etc etc. But instead of writing I find myself on landsend.com simply itching to buy stuff. argh. My self-control has been in a very poor state. In regards to clothes, in regards to food. I've acquired so many items of clothing since coming to college. granted, half of them are from the co-op, so I didn't actually spend money for them. But I really don't need them. I need to control myself. I think I got a job partly out of guilt for spending that money on clothes. I was able to stop myself this time by thinking about how much I already have and what I could do for other people with the money I was about to spend.

And of course food we've already discussed. I think. Oh food. How much joy I derive from the taste sensations, yet how awful I feel when I eat too much dessert (like the brownies I had with lunch today) or look in the mirror and see my tummy bulge. oy vey. Who knew the freshmen 15 was really an issue. No, I haven't gained fifteen pounds...yet. I went running for 1/2 an hour today. It's just so hard to fit it in with my schedule...Wednesdays I'm going from 0800-2100, essentially.

Eat salad eat salad eat salad. No new clothes no new clothes no new clothes. I can do this I can do this I can do this.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I also need to get back into the habit of Scripture memory. Lord, help me.

so I have this addiction....

It's called "eating." It's pretty much true, yeah, because I've gained 4.5 pounds since coming to Wheaton. No joke. It's bad, man. those saga desserts are just so tempting. I really need to build up self control in so many areas, maybe food is a good place to start. Seriously, if I'm not careful I'm going to develop an eating disorder. I almost feel guilty sometimes when I eat too much. Almost being the key word here. And yes, I indulge in mindless eating. My mouth is itching for food but my stomach isn't really hungry. Like what I just did. Had beef jerky, pistachios and cheerios. ok ew that sounds gross. this was after the random cookies and snacks I consumed in various places today. You know what, maybe if I write everything I eat down, I'll eat less. Because when I typed it out like that I realized how much I actually ate and that sort of grossed me out.

Maybe that's my biggest struggle here. ha.

Anyway, today was a good day. Well let's start with last night. I really liked Sovereign Grace Church again, so I decided to check out the "Care Group" they have for young adults. Didn't quite know what to expect, I guess I thought it would be a Bible study type thing. It turned out to be more of a fellowship/sharing time based on a theme, which happened to be Time Management. How timely! haha, ha, ha... anyway. People shared about their struggles with time--using it wisely, temptations to waste time, etc. And then others asked questions to clarify and gave advice as they saw fit. But what pleased me was that a lot of the advice given wasn't just "I think you should..." but backed up by biblical references. Amazing. We also had a prayer time which was really good. Very refreshing. At first I felt a little weird about the whole thing because right now the group is four college girls and four guys who are all recent grads of Wheaton, but it turned out to be a real blessing. I'm definitely sticking with it.

When I got back to campus I went straight to homework, because we had been tipped off that T7 was gonna raid us that night ;) In a way I was a little disappointed that it wasn't a complete surprise, but it was still really awesome because I had no idea what to expect. The guys really put a lot of effort into it. The theme that tied the whole thing together was a little loose/confusing, but the individual stations were really fun. Especially the main terminal set up, complete with sound system and flashing lights and voice warper. Good stuff. Love those T7 guys.

Today was actually a really boring day, come to think of it. Theory was review in preparation for the midterm, Wellness got out early, also because of the midterm. Didn't have English because...wait for it...it's midterm time! So I bummed and I practiced and I debated getting coffee, oh yeah, I worked out. Skipped open recital and practiced instead. Went to ST's recital in the evening. A bummy day. Gah. I need to be less lazy.

A lot of people have told me recently that my smiling face makes them happy. That's one of those things I absolutely don't notice myself. I don't feel like I smile especially much, but apparently I do it a lot. And of course, being me, I proceed to analyze why I smile so much. Is it because I'm always happy? Certainly not. But I have to say a lot of the time my smile is genuine. Am I trying to get a response from people? Or am I trying to please people? Or maybe I'm trying to make myself feel good? I DON'T KNOW. I don't even know why there's a need to analyze this. Actually there is no need.

As you can see, I need to work on my logic.
ok BYE time to finish my homework -_-

busy? pt. 2

After I got back from the awesome shopping trip, loaded down by shopping bags and some fruit and yogurt J's mom had us take home, I headed straight for the practice room since it was already 4:00 by now and I had to usher in the evening. Oh, forgot to mention that we also went to the cutest little boutique, Francesca's Collections, and picked up some gifts for Suzanna. Girl is turning 18 this Thursday!

After dinner, headed straight over to Edman to usher the Artist Series concert, Paragon Ragtime. I'm a fan of ragtime, so I was excited, unlike a lot of people, it seemed. I mean, it can get a bit repetitive after a while, but this conductor was quite engaging and took time between pieces to explain and lead us on the musical "journey" we were taking. The special attraction was a silent film that they played with at the end, slapstick fun stuff with Buster Keaton. Great experience.

Sunday I went to Sovereign Grace Church again. Good sermon and worship. Finally met the "Tim" that people have been asking me if I knew...when I went to LWEC people kept asking me and I was like...there are so many freshmen, idk. But yeah like me he's always been to a Chinese church so wanted to try something new.

Afternoon I went on the SMM trip to Wyndemere. I was half-thinking about not going originally because I'd been out all Saturday and hadn't done any homework yet. But I'm glad I went. Played the Schumann I'd played in studio and messed up a lot, though I've apparently gotten really good at hiding it as one of the juniors complimented me on it. I was freaking out over the memory slip and the numerous finger slips and he was like, "don't be such a piano major!" hehe. but I think I do bring out the character pretty well, which makes people think I'm better than I am. lol. Had a good time talking with some of the residents and getting to know my SMM group more.

Got back to the dorm and half helped Suzanna make apple crisp and half tried to do homework. Sorta got a little bit done...we were making apple crisp to bring to her prof's house for a studio party.

That was pretty interesting. Apparently her prof has two of these gatherings every year at his house. His wife is a really good cook, I must say, lots of soups and chili. People brought dessert and we had ice cream, mmm it was good. After we ate, we started watching Princess Bride. Lots of people who could quote it word for word. I left early though because I wanted to try to get some work done. Ended up not doing much though.

As usual, I can't think of what to write about for my next essay. Always happens. But I have to come up with some sort of proposal by 2:15 today because I'm discussing with my teacher....think think think

brain dump

I'm having trouble deciding what to write my next paper on. The main theme/topic is travel, but I can't decided what place I want to write about. The easy choice would probably be Shanghai/Hong Kong, since that's what's freshest in my memory and I'm older and can process things better. But I feel almost like that would be a cop-out. And there's not any one instance that really stands out to me. Plus I've been thinking and writing sooo much about Asian-ness since coming here that it's almost sickening. I sound so awful right now but it's almost true.

I'm even more confused now about the whole identity thing. Am I Chinese or American or Chinese American? What do these labels mean? I'm Chinese, heritage-wise. I know that for sure. I am of Chinese descent, I have the yellow-toned olive skin of the Chinese, the black straight hair, the flat nose. So I look different. I speak Cantonese, a language clearly very different from English. I like to eat Chinese food. I miss Chinese food now that I've gone 1.5 months without real Chinese food. But are there some essential qualities that identify me as Chinese? Is it tradition? A way of viewing the world?

This extends to friendships too. Do I relate to Asians, Chinese in particular, better because we share that common racial bond? I used to think so. For example Jo and I got along very well but she didn't quite understand the Asian mindset. What is the Asian mindset? Grades money success? But then I never felt entirely comfortable with, say, church people either. Either they were too hung up on AP classes and SAT scores, or they were immersed in kpop and Taiwanese dramas, or they were so liberal it was nauseating, or they didn't get homeschoolers. So maybe it's not true. Since coming to Wheaton I haven't interacted much with Asians. My suitemate and Zanna, pretty much, a couple upperclassmen in my studio. I didn't join the Asian fellowship and I don't know why. I went to the OMD reception and at first I was happy to see all the culture there but I didn't feel comfortable/entirely welcomed. Oh, they weren't unfriendly, but I just didn't like it. Ugh. I don't know what's up with me.

Am I simply rebelling against that "Asian" label? Because lots of people have been telling me to join Koinonia but I just never did. The first time it was a time issue, and then later it was partly time and partly because I didn't want to.

My conversation with Serena rocked my world though. She totally understood where I was coming from and said she felt much the same way when she was here. Just trying to reconcile the two different parts, and she still doesn't have any answers.

At the same time I don't think of myself as entirely Americanized. Do I want to disassociate from American culture because of the trash that comes with it? Mainly the media and the morals. And yet, I feel an intense patriotism for my country that most Asian Americans don't feel. My patriotism stems from a deep appreciation for the freedom that we have in this country. Not so much the political system or the historical aspect, but a deep desire to preserve and spread the freedom of many things that we have in this country.

I suppose that's why I wanted ROTC so bad. So I could feel like I was contributing to preserving that freedom. But in that way I'd be serving my country, not all of which I agree with. I heard another absolutely different view about war/peace the other day that I had never quite heard though. And from someone I deeply respect too. Basically he's almost a Mennonite and believes in pacifism/non-violence. He believes that God calls us to lead peaceful lives and not fight through the example that Jesus set in the NT. Beyond that, he believes that Christians should not get involved with organized government...I forgot quite what his reasoning for that was. I think it was something along the lines of we are but strangers in this world, travelling through to heaven, so we should not build up earthly things like that. I wonder what he thinks about social justice. LIke the times when the only way to help the poor and hurting is through the government. Should you work with and for them then?

I've had so many questions running through my head lately. Just so many random things have happened and I haven't been quiet enough to process all of them properly.

Like the Dugle family. Even though I never knew them very well, I knew they were a great family and I am extraordinarily saddened by their loss. I know Mrs. Dugle had been struggling with her condition for a while, but still, I can't imagine how hard it is on Schuyler. All I can do is keep praying and praying for him.

Then last night's movie made me think about patriotism all over again. and unfulfilled love. Patriotism because obviously it was a war movie and full of heroes and non-heroes. Heroes who were willing to sacrifice their lives for their country. Unfulfilled love, such aching passion that could not be consummated, and again for country. Could I do that for my country? I almost feel like it would be harder to do that for God. Because I know he's in control and it's essentially his "fault" if I didn't get married.

But the chapel speaker a couple days ago reminded me that God does call certain people to singleness - whether for a lifetime or for a longer period of waiting time. And for many it's hard to be content in that place. I wonder how I will feel if I am 40 and unmarried and childless.

Ah brain dumps. I just spent half an hour writing instead of practicing. And there's still so much to mull over. Was it worth it? I really can't say. Anyway it's dinnertime.

today was a crazy day

Not because I did anything crazy, really. It was just really interesting. I feel like recapping the whole day yay

Woke up early, for a Sunday, 8:30, because Zanna and I had a meeting with two other girls for music tech. We were supposed to shoot the videos for our mission statements, but turns out we couldn't get the cameras on weekends. So we decided to just discuss the content of our mission statements, and walk down to Adams Park to do a bit of location scouting. Since we were there already I suggested we go visit the French Farmers' Market. Such cool stuff there! Jewelry and scarves and old books....and best of all, FOOD. :D Lots of free samples. Ahhhh I wanted to buy all those pastries, they looked so good. Of course I shouldn't...no moola. I've been using too much >< No more buying silly things! Especially food when I already have so much of it.

After that we went to brunch, where I ate a peanut butter and chocolate chip waffle. ahhh soo good. I can't get over how delicious food is. I could not survive without all the wonderful tastes and yums and ahhhh.

Went back to my room and attempted to do homework but just sorta puttered around and cleaned my room. At 1:00 I went to the saga circle to meet the head crew girl from Jukebox to go do some inventorying at the storage place. There were supposed to be more people but it ended up being just me and Mara. It was cool though. Scripture Press, as it's called is a huge building owned by the college which houses several ministries and organizations, including Church of the Res. In the warehouse part there are many "cages" - wire and wood structures that are basically like see-through rooms.

We thought it would take longer but it ended up only taking an hour to go through everything. Costumes, random furniture, not too many props, actually. some set stuff. It'll be cool to work with the people on crew. Though deep down I really want to get cast, but I know it probably won't happen. But that's okay. I think I'll definitely be disappointed, but I'm pretty much guaranteed a spot on crew, and maybe even stage manager, so I'll still be involved.

After that I met up with Zanna to go downtown to La Spiaza to meet Kaitlyn. Love that place...so eclectic. Except when they play weird music and/or the place starts to smell like puke because of someone's garlic pizza. No joke. But, chai tea latte is good but pricey. shouldn't go there too often. Anyway, crazy part of the visit was the guy working there. So either because I was wearing a kooky hat or something, the guy decided to have a little fun with me. Z and I were discussing it afterwards and we couldn't decide if he was flirting, being weird, or just joking around cuz he was bored.

So I walked up and saw scones in the display case and I made a happy/surprised face. The dude looks at me and does the cover-his-mouth-omgosh thing back at me. So I laugh because he did look pretty funny. I ordered my chai latte and he asks me what size I want...except he uses his hands instead of words. So he's moving his hands up and down to mean small/medium/large and I'm like mimicking him to show him medium. man it was weird. I felt so awkward and laughy. ugh. I tell him which scone I want, he takes it out, grabs a plate, and sets it down, saying something like, "that's all I have for you right now". I really didn't catch it so I sorta smiled and waited. Then he takes a fork out and starts pretending to stab/poke me with it. I'm thinking...okay, this is sorta weird... But I don't know how to respond so I sorta laugh. LOL it was painfully funny. And then I was just like, "no...just...no" yeah. That was so random.

Came back, practiced some, then went to dinner, during which we had some interesting conversations...I forget now ahh. But there were curly fries so I felt really happy! :D Some guys at another table were playing a game where they threw an apple around and tried to catch it by skewering it on their fork. It was funny to watch the apple flying through the air with like six forks sticking out of it.

After that Z and I decided to go practice...we were on our way out of saga with a Josh and were talking about how cold it was, and he goes, "this is weird, but do you guys want to huddle for warmth?" Fortunately we had a good excuse because he was going back to the dorms and we were going to the conserv, but I was thinking, "um, easy way to get close to girls....or are you seriously that cold..." hmmm...

Around 8:30 Z and I left and went up to T7, where we played Contact in the lounge. That is one intense game. Hurt my voice playing it.

Man I can't wait to phone/vchat family tomorrow. I was missing them lots today. so much so that I randomly texted D. to remind him how lucky he is to be with his family.