I miss CAP :(

I miss CAP soooo much. like way too much. At this moment I miss CAP more than I miss my family. That feels wrong but I can't help it. AHHH. I miss my people, I miss being in uniform, I miss the strange sense of brotherly camaraderie. I want to go to squadron meetings so badly. Maybe it's time to look into a local squadron. Or I'm going to go join ROTC. Why didn't the ROTC people ever call me back? hmm. Maybe it's a sign. I should really email them. I so miss that feeling of being proud of my uniform and of serving my country that way, no matter how small it actually is. So maybe I just want to join the military because it makes me feel good? Not a particularly good reason. Though as far as I can tell, not a particularly bad reason either.

So why do I want to join the Air Force? People have been asking me and I can't tell them particularly. I'm not sure myself. I don't have any family connections to the US military, I'm not extremely knowledgeable about airplanes, and I'm not totally physically fit. I think the biggest reason is an overwhelming sense of being proud of my country. Okay, fine. Patriotism. I don't even know why. Compared to a lot of countries, yes, the US is an amazing country. Amazingly free and rich. But there's an enormous crapload of evil and corruption all over. Culture, government, even within the military. Joining the Air Force is just going to disillusion me further.

But I still sooo want to be a part of that. Is it because I want to belong there? To identify with that particular group of people? I want to be known as "that Asian girl in uniform"? No...I don't think I would enjoy that. I just really want to serve my country that way, darn it. Am I naive enough to think that being in the military is simply so noble that it will make me feel like a contributing member of society? like an ego boost? Of course not. I know there's an ugly side to everything.

I don't really want to fly planes either, like a lot of the CAP people who want to go into the Air Force. I'm not up on my plane knowledge, and all those controls intimidate me. So what do I want to do? Band Officer? Capt. Maver thinks I should aim higher.

That's another thing. Do I want to do this so much because of subconscious pressure from CAP people? It's not like they make fun of me or anything (well...like one of them did) or tell me I should join ROTC. But everyone in CAP is essentially preparing for a military career, so I sort of stick out like a sore thumb. But that's not even it. I can stand that. I just really want to experience that part of life. Quite a few of the SMs and cadets and even some active duty told me to at least consider it. Am I trusting their advice when they only know one side of me, the CAP side? I mean, I highly respect all these people, but they don't know what's best for me.

And how does this all fit into my current college path? I really don't know if I can do a piano performance degree with AFROTC, especially having to go off campus. That would be major stress. I mean, all my classes right now are pretty much easy peasy, and since I don't have to take any science or math courses, it shouldn't be too tough. I think. The scheduling I can work out.

The other thing is the physical part. I suspect there's something minorly wrong with my lungs since I can run nonstop for 25 minutes on a treadmill but I'm huffing and wheezing after four minutes outside. I should experiment for three weeks and try to build up my endurance. And the whole wrist thing and pushups. If I were to do ROTC I'd want to push myself as much as possible but that might interfere with practicing. must. do. 100. pushup. program. My body I can conquer. I suppose.

Then there's the whole "future" question. As in, what do I want to do with my life? Because if I do ROTC, that's 3 years active duty after college and 7 years in the reserves. Is it worth it to essential sign 10 years of my life away (my prime child-bearing years too xP)? Am I throwing my desire for a family out the window? Is it worth it to sacrifice family for country? Am I just wanting too much?

Sigh. There's so much to think through. I just really don't know.

why?

It's good to ask that question sometimes. Sometimes it hurts though. It cuts. It sears.

Why does God take away young, healthy men and women right in their prime of life? Why does he allow couples who have been married for 20 years to separate and cause pain in so many loves. Why does he allow evil to grow and grow without seeming to curb it? Why are my tormentors not repaid? Why can I not love people as I want to? Why?

My heart breaks. It breaks for those near me I see going through hard times. Those who are dealing with circumstances way bigger than themselves that they have no control over. Who don't know where to turn anymore. Who have pain and stress and heartache in their lives. Who deal with family problems day in and day out and just can't get away.

It breaks for worldwide events that I read about in the news. Things that really aren't related to me but are horrifying in their level of sorrow and evil. Catastrophes and tragedies that strike me to my core and make me doubt God's goodness.

And the worst thing is there doesn't seem to be a single thing I can do about it. All I can do is love people and pray for them. I can't make their pain go away. I can't soothe their wounds. I can't make the situation better. Praying sometimes feels empowering, but too often it feels empty and not useful. How long, O Lord, how long? Is this what patience is about? Lord, teach me patience then! I am hungry for some sign, anything, something small, that you are working in my life, in the lives of those who need you, who are hurting.

Or when God just answers, "because." And expects me to be satisfied. I don't need to know now. But I WANT TO. Why can't I know? It's so frustrating.

Lord God, I pray your loving mercy and peace on the ____ family. Overwhelm them with your steadfast love. Amen.