I've moved (pretty permanently)!

Visit me at my new digs: serenetea.tumblr.com

orchestras & other cool things

I had my first rehearsal with the orchestra today!!!!!!

exclamation points abound!!!!

Actually, I wasn’t nearly that excited during the rehearsal.  And I wasn’t that nervous either.  I was not in a feeling mood.  I think it’s because I’ve talked about it so much and answered so many questions from people about whether I’m “excited for Friday” that I can’t feel excited any more.  But!  It was still a good rehearsal.  When I came out I realized I was really, really tired.  Like, exhausted.  Couldn’t focus in choir rehearsal and still haven’t finished the homework I was supposed to do.  So I guess I spent a lot of energy in that rehearsal!

What is it like to play with an orchestra?  Well, I can’t really tell you right now.  It really felt more like a gigantic chamber ensemble, since it is Mozart after all and there aren’t huge brass fanfares or timpani entrances.  I did find that if I listened to the orchestra too hard, I started losing my place.  I had so many missed entrances it was ridiculous!  I know the music really well, I just couldn’t get used to hearing strings and winds instead of another piano.  Thank goodness Dr. S is so forgiving and patient.  And he really is a very good accompanist, like Dr. H told me.  It’s a pleasure to be able to play with him.  

Let’s see how Friday goes now.  I can’t even think about the fact that’s also a competition at this point.  

In other music news, I had a brief run-through of my piano ensemble rep with my partner today…and we discovered that the Poulenc duet involves some…interesting hand crossing.  Secondo (me) starts in the middle of the keyboard, and Primo (my partner) has to stretch to the top and bottom of the keyboard.  So naturally we started with my hands under and my partner stretching over, which was just the slightest bit awkward (he’s a guy.)  But whatevs, it’s piano, business and all that.  Then, our coach told my partner to stand up, proceeded to sit down and experiment, saying, “Hm, when my husband and I played this I think he stretched around me.”  So there I am with Dr. E’s arm around me, huddled up two inches away from the keyboard.  One of the other girls was like, “hah, that’s a real smooth move.”  AWKWARD.  I think we’re going to do it the…usual way.  meh, whatever, he has a girlfriend.  One of Wheaton’s recent grads happened to be in Dr. E’s office and was like, “I’ve heard both of you play, you’re gonna be a power duo.”  Score.  I am actually really excited about the Rachmaninov duo we’re doing.  Symphonic Dances.  Intense.

brain = not functioning

pure blue

I stepped out of SAGA (Wheaton's dining hall) into a breathless, inky-blue scene.  No brainless chatter here, no inconsiderate whoops from rowdy college guys.  The still enveloped me and cleared my head, surprising me into surrender.  But only for a moment, for in the distance the Metra announced its arrival in the station with a clang.  I, however, could not help but glance up again and again at the lovely, lovely sky as I walked to the conservatory.  Such a deep, calm blue, deep, deep and unfathomable.  I felt that velvet came close to it, a rich dark navy blue velvet blanket with gently twinkling stars sparkling.  Yes, velvet and diamonds come close, very close, but really, only the midnight sky with its adornment of stars could make me stop and wonder.

9 January 2012

yep, it’s gonna be a rough year.  But I have been complaining way too much today, so I’ll try not to do that here.  Except…I do want to say that my duo partner apparently dropped the class without telling me, so now I’m stuck with all freshmen in my piano duo class… -___-  Okay, so the freshmen are pretty cool, but I actually dropped another class to take piano duo with this guy because he’s someone I actually want to play with, and now he’s dropped the class.  thanks a lot.  

I really need to determine to have a good attitude this semester, or it’s gonna be terrible.  Worked for 3.5 hrs this morning before heading to three classes, all of which will require/already have a lot of work.  20th Century Music, most of the homework is critical listening, 1+ hrs per class period.  Plus, have to listen while following the score.  Choral Conducting is just intimidating because of the amount of sight-singing we’ll have to do, Doc’s the prof (even his beard is intimidating), and the fact that we’ll have to actually rehearse the ensemble, not just randomly conduct them.  Old Testament - I have the hardest prof, author of the textbook…at least five papers to write, and lots of reading.  I have my work cut out for me!

hey i'm alive

I got a tumblr a couple weeks back, mostly because quite a few of my friends are on tumblr.  Unfortunately different blogging platforms don't agree with each other, so there's always the rat race of moving to the coolest new neighborhood.  But, after a couple weeks I've come to the conclusion that I might as well keep both up, because some of my other friends (you, dear reader) are only on blogger.  Both will probably have the same content, though more of an emphasis on short "twitter-like" posts on the tumblr and longer posts here.  So yup, an update on what all's going on.  I decided not to forsake ya after all, good ol' blogger.  

For your reference, my tumblr is serenetea.tumblr.com.  (ya, I like to keep things simple so one Google search will trace me to all my online homes.  hehe)

facedesk

I just accidentally friended someone on Facebook. Say wha....? failz.  <--- what happens when I'm tired.  Time to get off Facebook and finish work...

on missing a friend

I thought of you today as I was walking back from practicing. I looked up in a moment of stillness and saw the glowing moon in a sumptuous everlasting sky. Puffs of deep grey cloud idled nearby. How I would love watching the stars with you. I missed you then. All the way back I thought of you. I passed a guy yakking away on his cell phone, shuffling along in socks and sandals, and I thought, you would never do that. I noticed the deep intrusive hum of the generators powering all the expensive new buildings and remembered a quiet summer evening.

 I think of you often. I catch myself at the oddest moments saying to myself, you would enjoy doing this. Or perhaps, I would enjoy doing this with you. Are those the same? I hope so.

 Perhaps it is a selfish wish, but my heart would be made so glad if you were here with me.

a day of infamy

I can't believe it's been 10 years since 9/11. I can't believe there is a generation of kids growing up who don't have a connection to that event at all. As I have no idea how the Vietnam War affected the past generations of Americans, or how other big events like the Watergate scandal changed people's lives.

 I remember I started this blog around this time last year, and wrote a whole long cathartic post on my 9/11 memories. It's late now, and I doubt I'll write anything nearly as long and coherent...but I can't help but feel unwhole if I don't finish this before I go to bed.

 I took a long time thinking of a good Facebook post to put up just now. I wanted to say something along the lines of "America forever" or "We will never forget" or something similarly popular and populist and patriotic. But I found myself getting stuck...was I really proud to be an American? What do I think about this long war we have fought? I got political about it. What a strange place to be. Normally I'm just solidly patriotic. I caught myself being cautious of what I said. And thinking about this never-ending conflict of the human race, whatever the particular difference may be. Do I condone war? I don't know. There are plenty of battles and wars in the Bible. Yeah, the non-God-sanctioned ones didn't alway end up too well, but what about when God told the Israelites to wipe out a particular race? Wow, that didn't make any sense. I mean, America doesn't fight wars based on what God tells us to do. So does that mean any war we're fighting is wrong?

 And the funny thing is I didn't mean to get political about it. I just want to honor the memory of those who unwittingly died in the initial attacks. I suppose the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars are so tied in with 9/11, for me, that I can't separate them. I am so immensely grateful and admire very much the men and women in the service who have served and continue to serve in those places and elsewhere. (And so glad Lt K is back safely!) Maybe they don't keep me safe here in IL...after all I could get mugged and they couldn't do anything about it, but I like to think they make America a slightly safer place by preventing the enemy from attacking American soil.

And so I think I'll commemorate the 10th anniversary of the September 11th attacks with prayer for the families still mourning loved ones, and for those still serving overseas...for God's will to be done and for his justice to rule. Amen.

whirlwind

Hi. I'd just like to let you know that I'm suffering from a lack of contact with certain friends back home right now. :( It's been so, so lovely reconnecting with all my Wheaton friends, but some people back home I just can't get off my mind. I read someone's cheesy Facebook status yesterday about how missing someone is when you're doing something and you wish they were there with you. Yeah, that's the way I feel about so much of this. Even simply walking through campus, or sitting in a restaurant, I wish it were with so-and-so. I. miss. people.

But really, it's been amazing how "whole" I've felt. It really is almost like coming home. The first night was the most lonely because it was SO quiet. I missed mommy and daddy and Stephen so much I almost cried then. But Kaitlyn came the day after, and more people, and now we've got a bunch of freshmen on the floor. I have started catching up with so many friends too...about our summers, life in general. Even people I didn't think I'd be so glad to see, and would be so glad to see me. I even talked with one of my senior conservie friends about the whole becoming a non-music-major thing...she's not sure she wants to continue with music either.

Work has been another actually good part of life. The work atmosphere at CPO has always been one of heavy sarcasm and indie music. It took me a little getting used to at first because I'm not always that quick-witted. But it's been great to be one of the experienced workers and to spend time, during work and meals, with a different set of people than I'd normally do.

I am off to write more essays yay...

PS...I suppose this is becoming more of a "time at Wheaton" blog than a "musings of a Wheaton freshman" blog, so it's time to change that blog description...

please don't leave, don't leave me

I am feeling sad and down and angsty tonight. I do not want to leave home again. I hate packing my life into two suitcases, a carry-on, and a backpack. Why does life turn out this way? Whoever thought up the idea of college, and leaving your home to study your butt off in a foreign place, clearly wasn't one of the ones being sent (/was an idiot). Whoever thought it was a good idea for me to go to college 800 miles away was...oh wait, that was me. Because no matter how much I complain about New Jersey, no matter how much I chafe under my parents' discipline, this will always be home. And I will always be homesick. Even when I am happy.

And this is why emotional stability is one of the tenets of good leadership. Because if I were writing this about encampment, I'd be in serious doo-doo right about now. Venting on FB? fuggedaboutit.

just for funzies

LOLOL so I just read an article on Tiger Woods firing his longtime caddie...and here's one of the readers' comments: "Tiger who? I wish he'd just retire and disappear. Why should I be interested in anything he does/did/may do? Like the Kardashians, and Real Housewives, Mike Tyson, Lady Gag-Gag, and Uriah Heep. Good bye, and good night."

URIAH HEEP?? major props to you, well-read commenter. HAHAHA

unless...he's referring to the English rock band, Uriah Heep. In which case I will give him less props, but props to the band for choosing that name. xD

just for funs (and lazies)

So I saw the piano template while I was working on another form...and decided it was now or never, or else I'd never have a chance to use the piano template for anything...so I made a form. Consider it the grown-up version of "Quiz about MEHHH!!?!! <3" hehe

un-friending...

I dreamt two nights ago that I un-friended two groups of people on Facebook. In those two groups were a couple people that I actually wanted to keep as friends.

I woke up and thought I'd really done that, checked Facebook, and realized it was a dream. Then I laughed at myself for being so ridiculously silly and petty.

But just now I was randomly stalking some of my peeps on Facebook, and remembered this one photo I wanted to look up. I remember that it's in my Deputy Commander's "Summer 2011" album, so I go to her page. And lo and behold, I see the little button that says "Add as friend."

Now, before you tell me this is getting trivial, let me just say that this is someone I've developed a good working relationship with, someone I would say I am good real life friends with. I've been on the phone with her more than any of my good girl friends for the past 8 months. We ESPN. We know how the other person works. We've just survived the most stressful 10 days of our lives together. And now we're not even Facebook friends?

I'm not really upset, just plain surprised. Yes, this is trivial, but really, is this an indicator of where our relationship has gone? At the end of encampment, we had an open discussion where we laid out how we thought we two had miscommunicated during the week and how we said some things we probably shouldn't have. But does she hate me?

Before we left she told me she "f---ing hates [my other deputy]." I took that as heated words in the moment and kinda brushed it off. But I checked, and she's unfriended him too.

I guess the question now is, do I care? Well, yes, I am personally offended that she doesn't think I'm even worth keeping on Facebook. And we need to have a good working relationship until at least the AAR...I can't have her hating my guts before we finish this thing up.

But I think back to that night before we had our little "serious talk." I was talking it over with some of my trusted advisors - CAP senior members and AF personnel and such. Lt. J asked about our personal relationship, whether that factored into the equation. And honestly, it didn't. I didn't see myself staying lifelong friends with her. We come from such radically different places, and we've never been able to be completely open with each other.

So no, in the long run, I don't care that she's being petty and leaving me out of her virtual life. I've got plenty of other people to stalk. ;)

And yes, I just wrote a whole blog post, my first in a while, about unfriending people on Facebook. Oh the travails of a 21st century teen. ::cheeky grin::

In the near future I may post about Encampment. I'm still in the process of writing my private account in my journal, and completing my official account in my continuity file, so it might take a while.

and this is why...

God surrounds me with good people. man, can I ever be stupid. I tell people not to vent on FB, and then I go and do the same. STOOPID

I never learn.

heart matters

Every Christian woman hears at some point that modesty is a matter of the heart, not simply dress. I've heard my fair share of that view, and I always thought I agreed with and adhered to it. But after talking with Hannah about modesty and all that goes with it the other night, I'm thinking...maybe I'm still not quite approaching this the right way.

I realized my standards are different depending on where I'll be/who I'll be seeing. For example, I'd never wear a strapless dress to Sunday service at RCCC, but, I'd wear a strapless dress in a church if I were playing piano in a recital. Or, if I'm going to be hanging out with my more conservative homeschool friends, I'll make sure my skirt's a bit longer and my shirt has no danger of showing anything, anywhere.

Double standard much? I'm letting people and places define what I wear, who I am, even. And I'm not loving all of my neighbors. Why do I feel like I need to serve my Christian brothers more than I need to serve my non-Christian guy friends? Somewhere in my mind the thought comes, "Psh, they're used to seeing much more skin, so if I wear this v-neck shirt, they're not even going to notice anything."

Wow. That sounds incredibly silly. And I've been living like this forever...when I'm picking my outfit, I always evaluate based on the particular event or day, not based on one high standard I believe God wants me to set.

And now it's time to examine how many other areas of my life fall under this deluded logic...

[un-relateds]:

1. I passed the prelims for the Princeton Festival Piano Comp today, so moving on to finals in two weeks! I'm so thankful that my hard work paid off...though this means I can't build my push up muscles for another two weeks...

2. Below issue is still...rather undecided. Well, I've been praying about it and...I just don't know. I think I need to pray more fervently.

3. I am so thankful for friends! Grace and love are so beautiful, I don't know how people can live without them!

jumbled thoughts of a discontent mind

[I like the form of poetry, but I kind of fail at finding poetical ways to put things. I should stick with prose.]

If I could live on a mountaintop, free from the pollution of human bickering and the hum of machinery, my mind would be clear as the fresh piney air.

At least, that is the delusion I cling to. I keep expecting outward changes to make me feel better. A change of scenery, a change of friend groups. College vs home.

But instead, when I'm here, I wish I was there. When I'm doing this, I wish I could be doing that.

I am never content. Lately, I've been even more so.

I've been considering, very seriously, applying for the AFA Class of 2016. I felt slightly pathetic not being able to do ROTC this past year, but I realize now it's one or the other. It's impossible to mix both of my passions at this point. If I stay in the Conserv, there's no way I could do crosstown AFROTC. If I drop out of the Conserv and stay at Wheaton, I could probably juggle AFROTC, but why would I make my parents pay tens of thousands of dollars for a normal education? OH WAIT. AFROTC includes scholarships if I commit. But still...why?

So the way I see it, it's AFA or bust! Or rather, AFA, or piano performance at Wheaton.

But here comes the long list of problems.

First of all, would I even get into the AFA? That's kinda a toss up. All my life I've been humanities/arts, and now to enter a school where the core curric is mostly sciences? I have the high school creds and the SAT scores, but would I die of the academic workload? Athletics/general physical fitness is another area I'm super iffy on. No team sport, no consistent sport at all, and yeah, I kinda fail at running a mile anywhere near 8:00.

Points in my favor - I'd knock the leadership and non-athletic ECs outta the park. Earhart award? Check. Cadet Commander of CAP Encampment? Check. 14 years of piano? Check. Drama and choir for all of high school? Check. Plenty of volunteer service too. Also, I can BS my way out of anything that involves writing.

Yeah, that's lookin' a little scrawny. But. I have heard that the AFA, like any college, looks for diversity, so maybe it'd be kinda cool that I'm a bit...different?

And like my mom said, I could probably handle the academics. I'm smart, just super lazy.

Oh yeah, that's another thing...parents. um, in multiple ways. Yeah, M and D are mostly okay with it. Basically, they're like, if you get in, go for it. I think deep down they're kinda shocked that they've raised a daughter who's so gungho about the military, but they're rollin' with it. They're cool like that. But they have been saying, make sure you're not acting on a whim (I'm not!) and do you really think you can handle it?

It'd be the greatest achievement of my life if I got in, and if I graduated in four years, commissioning as an AF Lieutenant.

But. What about the rest of my life goals? You know, the "marry the best man in the world" part, and the "have 6 kids and homeschool them" part. It's kinda hard to homeschool when you're in the active duty. And I don't want to get married at 35...I wanna have kids early! Except...getting married involves finding a spouse and that part's totally out of my control anyway.

How do you know whether a desire you have comes from God, or from your own wayward heart? Is it only because I'm not in the musically-steeped environment of the Conserv that I've lost my passion to work hard for music?

But, I'm not giving up my musical dreams for a life of ease or anything. No, I'd have to work ten times as hard if I went to the AFA.

But what about the whole "where I am right now is right where God wants me" thing? I was so sure Wheaton was where God wanted me to be, and now, I'm not so sure. I want this other dream so badly, and I reason that it's now or never...why get stuck in a rut at so early an age?

See, I could go to the AFA, serve my time, all the while staying involved with my music stuff. Whereas...the other way round doesn't really work. Get my BM in piano at Wheaton then...what? Enlist in the USAF? Officership all the way, man. Enter the AFA class of 2018? Goodness. That's a little bit too long.

GAHH I wish God would tell me what to do. This is like college decisions all over again.

If I could do my life over...I'd not do ballet, join CAP at 12, get my private pilot's license at 16, get ground team certified at 16, do a sport, do IACE and PJOC, and apply for AFA Class of 2014. THAT'S WHAT ALL OF MY SONS ARE DOING.

AHHHHHHHH

I'M GOING CRAZY HERE

HELP

I HATE FINALS

food for thought

Whew, I haven't been here in a while. Really, I've been so busy that I've barely had a chance to settle down and write anything. Oh, I've felt the need to, but I just didn't have time.

Just came back from Mennonite dinner. Every Thursday evening, Dr Coolidge and her husband host students from Wheaton, and a guest speaker, serving a hearty home-cooked meal and lots of good conversation. Sometimes the guest is a Wheaton prof, sometimes a chapel speaker that week. Today was my first time, and the speaker was Dr Keith Johnson in the BITH department. He had moderated the "Patriots, Pacifists, and Peacemakers" panel discussion the night before. I had to leave almost right after they started, because I was supposed to play for G's lesson, but I'd already been there long enough to know that I want to go back! This is the sort of thinking and learning I want to do, in an organic, unstructured environment, with no lesson plan or end-of-course goals to fill. This will fit in very well with my schedule next year, so I will definitely make an effort to go.

Speaking of last night's panel - that was one fascinating evening. A panel of four profs, ranging from ultra-pacifist to strong proponent of just war, discussed questions such as "Is there such a thing as just war?", "Can a Christian killing another Christian ever be justified?", and "What is the role of a Christian in the military?" I took lots of notes, but I feel like we barely scratched the surface! I encountered terms like "just war tradition" that I've never even heard before. Definitely gave me lots to mull over...these are things that affect me deeply, as now, because of CAP, I have a lot of good friends going into or planning to join the military. Plus I'm glad I didn't jump into ROTC at the beginning of the year now, because I realize I've never thought through these things clearly.

Being a student at Wheaton is about so much more than sitting in a practice room and slaving over homework and trying to stay awake in classes. Even more than late night debates and conversations over Saga meals. There are simply so many rich resources like these lectures and gatherings that I need to take advantage of. I won't have the opportunity to do this once I leave...

tea-time

A splendor lit through panes of purest glass
Gleams gold upon the worn, old kitchen floor.
Rich beams turn faded rags to cloth of brass
And stream, as though a fog, through open door.
A comfort brought by yeasty, fresh-baked bread
Sleeps quietly in each square inch of space.
The kettle steams and sings with heart and head
Promising tea, for care it will efface.
This is the amber shadow time that veils
The longing to express mere discontent.
This is the misted silvery time that sails
Through frantic minds rendering impotent.
Come, leave your load and rest you for a while–
Nought else but hope remains in heart’s exile.

stuck

Hi, it's me, procrastinating on a paper again. Sorta. I wanted to blog about weekend stuff anyway, so maybe I have an excuse?

I'm halfway into my Facebook fast for Lent. I'm really glad I had daddy change my password, otherwise I know I'd be weak and log on. It's awful, the first few days I gave it up, I almost had minor withdrawal symptoms. I felt mopey and just out of it and would spend time just looking at the FB login page. Yeah, I know, super lame. But doesn't that sound like I was addicted? Yep, it was definitely a good idea to get away from it, if only for 40 days.

Saturday was the Chorale concert. It went quite well, and our audience wasn't as small as I had worried it might be. There were apparently 500+ people at the Glee Club concert last week, but they were in Pierce so the house was packed. Edman, which seats ~2500, would look mostly empty with 500 people. Fortunately they roped off the two side sections and had everyone sitting in the middle so it looked better. :D

We sang quite well, I think. There were some spots where we were still unsure of ourselves, and as always, we could have had more expression and musicality in our singing. Like Dr. H was saying, we had to put on a rich "chocolate" concert, not a bland "vanilla" one. The difference between a women's choir and a men's choir is that men can just put on a tux and everyone will love them, whereas women somehow have to work a lot harder to be as popular. pft. whatever. The motions for No Thank You John went over quite well. I'd been a little "...uh...really?" about them. I thought they were a little lame but the audience seemed to like it, so that was good.

I didn't make any silly mistakes playing for the five Hebrew love songs, so that was good too. Afterwards a guy from my bro floor came up to me and was like, "I didn't know you played the piano until this evening!" Really, cadet, really? LOL I spend my whole day in the conserv...

Then yesterday we had our banquet. It was a splendid evening! Turned out almost better than I could imagine. Do you know, the night before I was subconsciously so worried about it that I had a strange dream about it. Usually the things that show up in my dreams are things that I've been thinking about a lot, whether I know it or not. My dream had something to do with not being able to find a ride, and stormy rain. I have no idea. haha.

I was going to try to get a bit of homework done in between church and getting ready, but I pretty much ended up coming back, napping, and then primping. hehe. such a girl. My hair was what took most of the time. I was wishing for curls, and K kindly offered to do it for me, so she spent an hour on that. But she did an amazing job...I'm really glad with the way it turned out. She has skillzzz :D I wore the red dress I wore for graduation (yay recycling!)

[This darn paper is ruining my life. Not really, but it really sucks to write papers with citations. This is why I am not an English Writing major. Research papers are the bane of my existence. I may or may not make it through the night.

well, I did make it through the night. Stayed up till 3am, and in peer review today C was like "uh...well, I think it doesn't quite answer the prompt..." Shoot me now.

Anyway, to continue the original purpose of the post...

The actual banquet was quite fun, nothing spectacular. We were in the outdoorsy banquet tent of a golf club, similar to biu-goh's wedding reception. Dinner was hearty, good food. We were sitting with K, of course, and Ana and Joy and Manny, who had all brought glee clubbers or concert choir guys. So I felt a bit bad for my and K's dates because neither of them were particularly musical...but A and I had some good conversation. That's why I asked him, you know, because I like talking with him. After dinner we had a slideshow, some fun awards, and the cabinet video, which was a spoof on Ocean's Eleven, because after all, it was casino-themed.

And after that, as at any event where girls get all dolled up, there must needs be oodles of pictures taken! A and A were such good sports to let us and help us take pictures.

Altogether I had a lovely time and this tedious post doesn't do justice to it.

Sometimes I fail at writing. But on with life and school...