Lord Jesus, I love thee

God is so amazing! Just the way he reveals himself to me.

My day started off really crappy. Worst morning so far. Got my theory homework back and what do I see? A big fat F. F for Failure. I was stunned. Yeah, first F I've ever gotten in my life. I was a little dumb through the whole class, you can ask Faith. Just so floored. I don't know what's worse...getting an F because you don't understand the material, or getting an F because you missed half the assignment due to carelessness. Obviously for me it was the latter. I didn't read the directions carefully and forgot to label the intervals. Stupid. Mommy's always right of course..."don't make careless mistakes!"

So I was all upset and posted an angry FB status about it and basically announced it to the world, stupidly, again. There's nothing I can do about it, talked with Dr. Gordon, but he said it was just one homework grade out of like 30 so it shouldn't affect my overall grade tooo much. Still, I better get all A+s and not just A's from now on if I want my overall grade to be an A. Grrr

Throughout the day it was still sorta simmering inside...angry at myself for being so stupid. Tonight there was something called Student Vigil, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. I wasn't in the mood, I thought. But it sounded a bit interesting so I decided to go check it out and maybe stay for half an hour. I ended up staying the whole time - 1.5 hrs. That's how amazing it was. It turned my whole mood upside down.

It's basically a really chill time of music for conservies and non alike. Everyone sits on blankets and pillows on Pierce stage and there's tea and cookies. People came up to play music and we listened and sang along as we liked. Someone played Heart of Worship...brought back good memories for me of learning to play that on the guitar and being able to worship with it...because it's the one song I could play fluently. Becky and Chris did House of God Forever and three other songs. Someone played an arrangement of Come Thou Fount, and Riley played a mvt. of a Haydn sonata. I don't know if it was the music, or just the overall mood, but by the end when it was prayer time I was so ready for it, I really wanted it. I usually struggle with prayer the most...a lot of the time when they're like, ok, split into small groups and pray for 10 minutes I start freaking as to what I'll say when it's my turn. But this time I just focused on God, not me, and said what was in my heart without thinking about how people would take it or respond to it. Overall it was just an amazing time and I feel so blessed that God slapped me upside the head (well...gently) and reminded me that one grade is not the end of the world.

And one guy's testimony really moved me in another way...he had been away from Wheaton for the past two years because his family couldn't afford it so he left after one semester. And it just reminded me how extremely blessed I am to be here. I take it for granted- the community, the fact that M and D can afford it. Of course it is always in the back of my mind that I should do something to relieve the financial burden on Daddy, but it is not near enough that I act on it. I really should get a job though. But even if I can't help out with money, the least I can do is really apply myself in my studies and make it worth it. meaning no more carelessness on easy homework.

In between the F and vigil, there was awkward Wellness class, as usual, short workout, awesome English class. Our next essay is a narrative on travel...I'm so excited! I love narratives!!! So much easier for me. And I love having a "forced" opportunity to write about my travels...I never write coherently about them. Now I just have to decide what to write on...

I met with the director of the play today. I didn't get cast for the play but I expressed interest in stage managing, so I met with Angelo to discuss that. It's gonna be fun, getting involved in theatre again. can't wait! Angelo's a pretty cool guy too...we got to talking about other stuff like siblings and stuff.

Yep so that was pretty much my day...with 3 hours of practice, of course. I hope I don't suck too badly at my lesson tomorrow. Oh yeah we have that photoshoot for Music Tech too...blech.

today was a crazy day

Not because I did anything crazy, really. It was just really interesting. I feel like recapping the whole day yay

Woke up early, for a Sunday, 8:30, because Zanna and I had a meeting with two other girls for music tech. We were supposed to shoot the videos for our mission statements, but turns out we couldn't get the cameras on weekends. So we decided to just discuss the content of our mission statements, and walk down to Adams Park to do a bit of location scouting. Since we were there already I suggested we go visit the French Farmers' Market. Such cool stuff there! Jewelry and scarves and old books....and best of all, FOOD. :D Lots of free samples. Ahhhh I wanted to buy all those pastries, they looked so good. Of course I shouldn't...no moola. I've been using too much >< No more buying silly things! Especially food when I already have so much of it.

After that we went to brunch, where I ate a peanut butter and chocolate chip waffle. ahhh soo good. I can't get over how delicious food is. I could not survive without all the wonderful tastes and yums and ahhhh.

Went back to my room and attempted to do homework but just sorta puttered around and cleaned my room. At 1:00 I went to the saga circle to meet the head crew girl from Jukebox to go do some inventorying at the storage place. There were supposed to be more people but it ended up being just me and Mara. It was cool though. Scripture Press, as it's called is a huge building owned by the college which houses several ministries and organizations, including Church of the Res. In the warehouse part there are many "cages" - wire and wood structures that are basically like see-through rooms.

We thought it would take longer but it ended up only taking an hour to go through everything. Costumes, random furniture, not too many props, actually. some set stuff. It'll be cool to work with the people on crew. Though deep down I really want to get cast, but I know it probably won't happen. But that's okay. I think I'll definitely be disappointed, but I'm pretty much guaranteed a spot on crew, and maybe even stage manager, so I'll still be involved.

After that I met up with Zanna to go downtown to La Spiaza to meet Kaitlyn. Love that place...so eclectic. Except when they play weird music and/or the place starts to smell like puke because of someone's garlic pizza. No joke. But, chai tea latte is good but pricey. shouldn't go there too often. Anyway, crazy part of the visit was the guy working there. So either because I was wearing a kooky hat or something, the guy decided to have a little fun with me. Z and I were discussing it afterwards and we couldn't decide if he was flirting, being weird, or just joking around cuz he was bored.

So I walked up and saw scones in the display case and I made a happy/surprised face. The dude looks at me and does the cover-his-mouth-omgosh thing back at me. So I laugh because he did look pretty funny. I ordered my chai latte and he asks me what size I want...except he uses his hands instead of words. So he's moving his hands up and down to mean small/medium/large and I'm like mimicking him to show him medium. man it was weird. I felt so awkward and laughy. ugh. I tell him which scone I want, he takes it out, grabs a plate, and sets it down, saying something like, "that's all I have for you right now". I really didn't catch it so I sorta smiled and waited. Then he takes a fork out and starts pretending to stab/poke me with it. I'm thinking...okay, this is sorta weird... But I don't know how to respond so I sorta laugh. LOL it was painfully funny. And then I was just like, "no...just...no" yeah. That was so random.

Came back, practiced some, then went to dinner, during which we had some interesting conversations...I forget now ahh. But there were curly fries so I felt really happy! :D Some guys at another table were playing a game where they threw an apple around and tried to catch it by skewering it on their fork. It was funny to watch the apple flying through the air with like six forks sticking out of it.

After that Z and I decided to go practice...we were on our way out of saga with a Josh and were talking about how cold it was, and he goes, "this is weird, but do you guys want to huddle for warmth?" Fortunately we had a good excuse because he was going back to the dorms and we were going to the conserv, but I was thinking, "um, easy way to get close to girls....or are you seriously that cold..." hmmm...

Around 8:30 Z and I left and went up to T7, where we played Contact in the lounge. That is one intense game. Hurt my voice playing it.

Man I can't wait to phone/vchat family tomorrow. I was missing them lots today. so much so that I randomly texted D. to remind him how lucky he is to be with his family.

movie watching

We've been watching at least one movie every week...we just finished Becoming Jane. OH. MY. WORD. Saddest movie ever. But it wasn't a sob your heart out everything's tragic type of sad. It was really really sad but it had closure. James McAvoy is my favorite actor ever. omgosh. HIS EYES. so piercing. AHHHH. and with Anne Hathaway? simply amazing. Their chemistry....ahhhh. indescribable. yes i'm spazzing. ahhhhh. Love love love this movie. New favorite movie. AHHH.

getting it out

How do I know if it's about me? I can't tell. I wish I could get inside your mind. How was I supposed to know you liked me if you were always involved with someone else? That's just stupid. If you never went for me I guess I didn't really mean that much anyway. You know what, maybe it's not me. I'm just reading too much into this. But oh, how I wish I could tell you what I feel! I've always admired you and you know it. Haven't I written e-notes and said encouraging things to you enough? I always felt like I was putting myself out there. Maybe I'm still too reserved. Do I have to be more demonstrative? Are there no guys who are willing to take a chance on me? To run after me and capture my heart?

I'm so frustrated. No. I'm just sad. I feel like I lost someone...who I never had in the first place. What a great way to start my Friday. Sometimes I wonder at myself.

Who am I kidding? As if anything now would lead anywhere. We're too young for love. I should just get over this. I'm tired of trying to talk to you and conversations being awkward. You felt like it was one-sided? I feel like it's completely me. No, that's false. You put yourself in sometimes. But still, what am I supposed to do?

You know what? Forget it. He's probably talking to someone else. I'm getting all worked up over nothing. As usual.

and so it goes...

I've got Billy Joel stuck in my head.

Oh how it gives me joy to write grammatically incorrectly.

Wow did I just say that? Whatever happened to the self-appointed Ms. Grammar Police? Ah well I never blog/journal entirely correctly anyway so it doesn't really matter.

Today was a good day. mostly. I could have practiced more, but I somehow couldn't focus at night. but it's all good, had our first DSG meeting. I really hope it'll be good. I'm gonna do my part to make sure it's real and genuine.

Music Tech was interesting today because an A/V guy came in to talk about headshots and he was super knowledgeable and interesting. I felt really bad because we were really quiet...I tried to think of good questions but they just weren't coming. ><

Spent the morning practicing, then lunch with Grace, she's so coolll. And then did what I've been wanting to do: went downtown to La Spiaza, i.e. a NON-STARBUCKS coffeeshop, to study. I thought I might be distracted but it was actually really quiet and good and I mostly finished my paper yay. Just one transition to work on. thank the Lord I don't have to stay up to finish it. It's a really cute little shop. All the tables are different styles and sizes, there are comfy couches, some toys for kids. The coffee was not super special, but it wasn't bad. And it came in a cool mug. They were playing good music when I got there but then it changed so I plugged in my headphones and typed away to tswift. I was so surprisingly productive, finished my paper and read some of Phantastes too. I really want to work there but the guy says he's not hiring right now but I should check back throughout the year because things will change and he might have openings. I don't really know how to do that without being awkward though...do I just ask if they're hiring every time I go? lol

Choir was good, I stayed completely awake and alert. I thought it was because I had done lots of work today or something but then I realized I had coffee. heh.

My audition for the fall play went quite well. I don't think I bowled the director over with my talent or anything, but he laughed at some of the funny stuff I did so I took that as a good sign. I'm preparing myself for nothing, at least I know I'll have a spot on crew. Results come out this weekend...

Alright, gotta go revise my paper and finish theory. I've been finishing theory homework in class but counterpoint just takes some extra time.