un-friending...

I dreamt two nights ago that I un-friended two groups of people on Facebook. In those two groups were a couple people that I actually wanted to keep as friends.

I woke up and thought I'd really done that, checked Facebook, and realized it was a dream. Then I laughed at myself for being so ridiculously silly and petty.

But just now I was randomly stalking some of my peeps on Facebook, and remembered this one photo I wanted to look up. I remember that it's in my Deputy Commander's "Summer 2011" album, so I go to her page. And lo and behold, I see the little button that says "Add as friend."

Now, before you tell me this is getting trivial, let me just say that this is someone I've developed a good working relationship with, someone I would say I am good real life friends with. I've been on the phone with her more than any of my good girl friends for the past 8 months. We ESPN. We know how the other person works. We've just survived the most stressful 10 days of our lives together. And now we're not even Facebook friends?

I'm not really upset, just plain surprised. Yes, this is trivial, but really, is this an indicator of where our relationship has gone? At the end of encampment, we had an open discussion where we laid out how we thought we two had miscommunicated during the week and how we said some things we probably shouldn't have. But does she hate me?

Before we left she told me she "f---ing hates [my other deputy]." I took that as heated words in the moment and kinda brushed it off. But I checked, and she's unfriended him too.

I guess the question now is, do I care? Well, yes, I am personally offended that she doesn't think I'm even worth keeping on Facebook. And we need to have a good working relationship until at least the AAR...I can't have her hating my guts before we finish this thing up.

But I think back to that night before we had our little "serious talk." I was talking it over with some of my trusted advisors - CAP senior members and AF personnel and such. Lt. J asked about our personal relationship, whether that factored into the equation. And honestly, it didn't. I didn't see myself staying lifelong friends with her. We come from such radically different places, and we've never been able to be completely open with each other.

So no, in the long run, I don't care that she's being petty and leaving me out of her virtual life. I've got plenty of other people to stalk. ;)

And yes, I just wrote a whole blog post, my first in a while, about unfriending people on Facebook. Oh the travails of a 21st century teen. ::cheeky grin::

In the near future I may post about Encampment. I'm still in the process of writing my private account in my journal, and completing my official account in my continuity file, so it might take a while.

and this is why...

God surrounds me with good people. man, can I ever be stupid. I tell people not to vent on FB, and then I go and do the same. STOOPID

I never learn.

heart matters

Every Christian woman hears at some point that modesty is a matter of the heart, not simply dress. I've heard my fair share of that view, and I always thought I agreed with and adhered to it. But after talking with Hannah about modesty and all that goes with it the other night, I'm thinking...maybe I'm still not quite approaching this the right way.

I realized my standards are different depending on where I'll be/who I'll be seeing. For example, I'd never wear a strapless dress to Sunday service at RCCC, but, I'd wear a strapless dress in a church if I were playing piano in a recital. Or, if I'm going to be hanging out with my more conservative homeschool friends, I'll make sure my skirt's a bit longer and my shirt has no danger of showing anything, anywhere.

Double standard much? I'm letting people and places define what I wear, who I am, even. And I'm not loving all of my neighbors. Why do I feel like I need to serve my Christian brothers more than I need to serve my non-Christian guy friends? Somewhere in my mind the thought comes, "Psh, they're used to seeing much more skin, so if I wear this v-neck shirt, they're not even going to notice anything."

Wow. That sounds incredibly silly. And I've been living like this forever...when I'm picking my outfit, I always evaluate based on the particular event or day, not based on one high standard I believe God wants me to set.

And now it's time to examine how many other areas of my life fall under this deluded logic...

[un-relateds]:

1. I passed the prelims for the Princeton Festival Piano Comp today, so moving on to finals in two weeks! I'm so thankful that my hard work paid off...though this means I can't build my push up muscles for another two weeks...

2. Below issue is still...rather undecided. Well, I've been praying about it and...I just don't know. I think I need to pray more fervently.

3. I am so thankful for friends! Grace and love are so beautiful, I don't know how people can live without them!

jumbled thoughts of a discontent mind

[I like the form of poetry, but I kind of fail at finding poetical ways to put things. I should stick with prose.]

If I could live on a mountaintop, free from the pollution of human bickering and the hum of machinery, my mind would be clear as the fresh piney air.

At least, that is the delusion I cling to. I keep expecting outward changes to make me feel better. A change of scenery, a change of friend groups. College vs home.

But instead, when I'm here, I wish I was there. When I'm doing this, I wish I could be doing that.

I am never content. Lately, I've been even more so.

I've been considering, very seriously, applying for the AFA Class of 2016. I felt slightly pathetic not being able to do ROTC this past year, but I realize now it's one or the other. It's impossible to mix both of my passions at this point. If I stay in the Conserv, there's no way I could do crosstown AFROTC. If I drop out of the Conserv and stay at Wheaton, I could probably juggle AFROTC, but why would I make my parents pay tens of thousands of dollars for a normal education? OH WAIT. AFROTC includes scholarships if I commit. But still...why?

So the way I see it, it's AFA or bust! Or rather, AFA, or piano performance at Wheaton.

But here comes the long list of problems.

First of all, would I even get into the AFA? That's kinda a toss up. All my life I've been humanities/arts, and now to enter a school where the core curric is mostly sciences? I have the high school creds and the SAT scores, but would I die of the academic workload? Athletics/general physical fitness is another area I'm super iffy on. No team sport, no consistent sport at all, and yeah, I kinda fail at running a mile anywhere near 8:00.

Points in my favor - I'd knock the leadership and non-athletic ECs outta the park. Earhart award? Check. Cadet Commander of CAP Encampment? Check. 14 years of piano? Check. Drama and choir for all of high school? Check. Plenty of volunteer service too. Also, I can BS my way out of anything that involves writing.

Yeah, that's lookin' a little scrawny. But. I have heard that the AFA, like any college, looks for diversity, so maybe it'd be kinda cool that I'm a bit...different?

And like my mom said, I could probably handle the academics. I'm smart, just super lazy.

Oh yeah, that's another thing...parents. um, in multiple ways. Yeah, M and D are mostly okay with it. Basically, they're like, if you get in, go for it. I think deep down they're kinda shocked that they've raised a daughter who's so gungho about the military, but they're rollin' with it. They're cool like that. But they have been saying, make sure you're not acting on a whim (I'm not!) and do you really think you can handle it?

It'd be the greatest achievement of my life if I got in, and if I graduated in four years, commissioning as an AF Lieutenant.

But. What about the rest of my life goals? You know, the "marry the best man in the world" part, and the "have 6 kids and homeschool them" part. It's kinda hard to homeschool when you're in the active duty. And I don't want to get married at 35...I wanna have kids early! Except...getting married involves finding a spouse and that part's totally out of my control anyway.

How do you know whether a desire you have comes from God, or from your own wayward heart? Is it only because I'm not in the musically-steeped environment of the Conserv that I've lost my passion to work hard for music?

But, I'm not giving up my musical dreams for a life of ease or anything. No, I'd have to work ten times as hard if I went to the AFA.

But what about the whole "where I am right now is right where God wants me" thing? I was so sure Wheaton was where God wanted me to be, and now, I'm not so sure. I want this other dream so badly, and I reason that it's now or never...why get stuck in a rut at so early an age?

See, I could go to the AFA, serve my time, all the while staying involved with my music stuff. Whereas...the other way round doesn't really work. Get my BM in piano at Wheaton then...what? Enlist in the USAF? Officership all the way, man. Enter the AFA class of 2018? Goodness. That's a little bit too long.

GAHH I wish God would tell me what to do. This is like college decisions all over again.

If I could do my life over...I'd not do ballet, join CAP at 12, get my private pilot's license at 16, get ground team certified at 16, do a sport, do IACE and PJOC, and apply for AFA Class of 2014. THAT'S WHAT ALL OF MY SONS ARE DOING.

AHHHHHHHH

I'M GOING CRAZY HERE

HELP

I HATE FINALS